My wife and I have been married 15 years, but the last 10 have been absolutely brutal (will get into that in a second).
We have 3 young children, all girls – our oldest about to become a teen, our youngest 7.
After our first child was born, my wife and I started sleeping in separate bedrooms and have until this day (10 years). This is the soonest I can remember things going in the wrong direction.
Since then, my wife has been slowly isolating herself from me. I am trying to figure out whether we are better off separating/divorcing.
Fast forward to today, here’s a quick rundown of our life:
- We live in completely separate areas of the house
- I am not allowed in the kitchen/family room area (this is her area) unless I want to get yelled at. - I should note my wife has serious OCD and so she is very anal about people in her space.
- Whenever we are walking through the house, if we happen to cross paths she will stop and practically run the other direction. Sometimes in disgust that I was there, that I got in her way, because she was so “busy”.
- My wife and I never talk face to face. We talk on the phone every couple days, even when we are in the same house. We went from being best of friends, to barely being friends.
- We never spend time together as a family, except a once a year vacation for a week. We don’t eat dinner together each night, in fact I can count probably a handful of times per year we actually have a meal together. Instead, we each do things with the kids on our own. That wasn’t even planned out or discussed, its just how it sort of is, because Im working around what she wants or does not want to do.
- When it comes to dinner each night, I always felt that eating dinner together was important, but she has refused to do it and doesn’t believe in it. So, she makes the kids dinner, and then they come upstairs and I sit and talk together with them as they eat. She stays downstairs on her own accord - she is always welcome to join. Again, no discussion about this, its just how it is.
- The only real time I spend with her is in occasional social settings where we go out with other couples that are our friends, where we are always drinking, pretty heavily. It’s literally like 90% of the time I see her face.
- If she and I go out together just us and start conversing, it very quickly turns into heated and very painful arguments about the kids, or other marital issues.
- We have a sexless marriage, it’s been at least 5 years since we had sex and probably 5 times for sure in the last 10 years. Not just that, she doesn’t want to touch, hold hands, hug, etc.
- we tried counseling 2 years ago, I basically forced it on us, trying to resolve the situation. She never admitted her OCD to the therapist and blamed most of the relationship issues on me, that I yelled at her too much. I tried to explain that the only reason I would ever yell was when she was harassing me so much to the point where I would completely blow up and defend my position as a husband, provider, and father. It felt completely outlandish to me that she would find ways to harass me when I provided a life for her, basically she never had to work past 30 years old, never had to work once we got pregnant with our first, and that continues to this day.
- a couple years ago, she decided she wanted to go back to school to get her masters, my read on this was that she was tired of being a mom and wanted something for herself. I had and have empathy for this, so I supported her on this. Obviously, the financial burden on that is on me. I should also mention our 3 daughters all go to expensive private school.
- I recently had an enormous financial outcome at work that I have been working on for years. It was extremely difficult. After it happened, it should have been a joyous occasion (she is now financially set for the rest of her life by a mile EVEN IF we divorce), but it was more pain. I had to ask for a hug to celebrate the moment. We went out and she found a way to make me feel like crap. Honestly, this was the straw that broke the camels back, but I will go on. And no, I did not have a pre-nup, but I actually dont care so this is a non-issue.
- the craziest part about all of this is that my wife acts as if this life is totally normal, no big problems going on. She grew up in a strict catholic household where you dont get divorced.
- My wife and I do not audibly fight in the house, because we don’t really talk anyways. Whenever we talk on the phone (always to discuss family business matters like the kids, schedules or whatever) we do not fight. But I also think its because I’ve given up, and she clearly did a long time ago, so there’s no point in addressing topics that are going to result in a fight. That’s why they bubble up and come out when we drink.
- I should also mention my wife is gorgeous, went to private school growing up, and I only say that because it plays into the psychology of her life. She and I got married 2 years after she graduated college. Dare I say, she’s had it pretty easy compared to other women out there.
- There has been no cheating from either of us, and I dont suspect she is cheating. She outwardly claims now that she is more “asexual” when this was definitely not the case when we met.
- when I've asked her why she's like this, we cant live this way, etc. which I have done FOR YEARS she says she is "so overwhelmed" with all her mom duties. And now she added school back into it. But the issues were all there prior to starting school again.
- how do I feel? I am incredibly lonely. I lost my best friend, and I dont really even feel that I have a friend in my wife that I can count on, that will be there for me if something bad happened. It’s a terrible feeling. I also have nobody to talk to about this, because I cant tell any close friends or family as that would spread drama in our community which I am not going to do. I have recently sought out counseling.
So after reading this, you are probably like what the hell are you doing, why are you staying in this relationship. Or maybe not. There is a part of me that is sympathetic to the fact that my wife has 3 daughters, and that is a bigger responsibility for her than it is for me, and it is that hard to be a mother without a job. I could be totally off on that, but it’s something I have in my head.
The only reason I am here still is because of the kids. My little girls. I dont want to break up the family unit while they are so young. I have no idea what they think. That said, they are not living in a house with a bunch of yelling and fighting. They are growing up in this weird situation where there is minimal time together as a family, for whatever reason, but they haven't known anything different.
And so here’s where the sanity check comes in. I would love anyone’s opinion – particularly those of you that are divorced. Especially if you got divorced over a lot less than this.
I feel like my wife literally divorced me already in every way. We’re roommates still living with our kids.
Anyways, really struggling with this, trying to figure out what I should do. Really appreciate any help or advice.
