Many Non-Gifting Guests

Paying for your own wedding has nothing to do with gift giving etiquette. The ideas that there should be reciprocity or worse that the gift should help cover the plate makes weddings sound like a commercial transaction. Your guests are rude but there should be no expectation of "reciprocity"

I am in the same boat as you. I was shocked by the amount of people who did not give anything at our wedding, which was more than 1/2 of the guests . Yes some had traveled to our wedding held in Chicago from other states and I understand that there are extra costs but I could personally never fathom not bringing anything to a wedding even if I traveled and never have gone empty handed. I mean to not even give a card with some sentiment of congratulations? Also worth mentioning that there are people who did not travel and did not give anything. My husband and I paid for our entire wedding ourselves and I felt like we put so much attention to detail for our guests - activity bags for guests coming with kids, a photo booth where they got prints of all their photos... and yes the worst part is feeling petty or materialistic for these feelings - is the salt to the wound. We didn't have any showers prior either. The free food, drink and entertainment is a thank you to the guests that come - but a guest should have something to congratulate the bride and groom on their wedding. It's very disappointing as it appears that my husband and I have been incredibly generous to friends and family in comparison and I can only hope the resentment evaporates over time.

We were just recently married, and I am left with the same sour taste. I don't want to be resentful, but I am. Only one person brought a card. One. We did not want gifts, we did not register, there was not a party for either of us before hand. We just looked forward to the cards. With or without money, great. Just a small token of congrats to the new couple. Mabye even a small thank you for the invite and gifts, it was beautiful? We paid for the entire wedding, planned it and set it up. I sent out thank you cards to all that attended. I found personalized gifts for each guest, that were classy and nice and sort of expensive really. Thoughtful, personalized gifts they can use and enjoy. Not even one thank you card in return? Beautiful ceremony at a mountain church and reception at a resort. One card. I then sent out "Just Married" announcements to 40 people who we know. We received one card and two text messages. We are not selfish people. But I am hurt. My husband is not as sensitive as me and just thinks screw them. I guess I was just really looking forward to all those pretty wedding cards. You know, the ones you see in the card isle, that will look great in your wedding album. I never planned on throwing them away. Even a friend of mine, who has invited us to her wedding in 2 months, sent a text message of congrats, no card. But I'll bring a card at least to her wedding. I can't imagine knowing about a wedding, hearing about it, being notified, and not sending a card?! I guess this old world style of communication is over, but though I am hurt by it, I am forever happy that I am married to my best friend and the way in which we became married as well. I did the right thing for all of them, you can't help other people do good for you. And for what ever reason you can't confront them either because then you seem petty. Out of 60 people I was hoping for like 5 cards. Maybe they just didn't know. Time to move on and get that wedding album put together anyway!

It is extremely rude and tacky to show up to a shower or a wedding without a gift. If you’re going to show up to the event bring a gift. If not, then do not attend. I’d be angry too

We got about eight gifts out of about 75 people that attended and 120 ppl invited... We are a little older and only had a honeymoon registry because we said we had a houseful of stuff already. My dad said that was rude to just have a honeymoon registry ..idk....lt hurt my feeling much more than I thought to get few cards and hardly any gifts.made me feel really awful about even having the wedding . ? Is that crazy?.. only four ppl donated to the registry. My sisters didn’t even give me a gift. I didn’t have a shower or a bachelorette party, just a very small engagement party....

My husband and I just got married in June 2018 and 16% of our guests didn't bring or send gifts. I too feel put off by this. We definitely don't need more stuff by any means but the mere fact that when all is said and done we spent over $150 per guest. I always feel it's appropriate to give a little something as an appreciation for putting on a fancy event and dinner not to mention being selected to be a witness to a couple's special day. Weddings are expensive even if it's a back yard garden wedding like ours.

The people that didnt gift us at our wedding came from the under 40 crowd too. There were only 2 couples who did it. The first couple, who is very well off financially, traveled, however we traveled to their wedding and still got them a generous gift fairly recently. The second couple (already married) was local and RSVPed her husband who didnt show (and she didnt bother to apologize for him not showing...so thank you for costing me another 100 in the process!) I thought both cases were rude mostly due to the situation. To me bringing a gift to a wedding is common sense (and I think its ok to base the gift on factors such as travel). It is very interesting most of the culprits are in the under 40 crowd.

Ugh, I know it's not gracious to be upset about it but honestly, my problem was with the people that didn't give us gifts. One is a good friend who was in our wedding (and while I know none of this matters, we got her a nice gift for their wedding and they are very well off) and she keeps saying she is working on our gift but it's now been almost a year. It kills me too because her husband openly talks about how our wedding was much better hosted than theirs when I see them. Another was his cousin who I know for a fact was given money by her mother to buy us a gift - I know this because his aunt asked us what she got for us and the same thing happened at the shower where she was given money to get a gift from her and her mother and she kept the money both times. I know she is in a tough financial position, but it's gross to me that her mom gave her money specifically for that and she kept it TWICE. After the shower his aunt actually gave us a gift card when she found out from his mom that we didn't get a gift (she called asking if we liked what they got us). The one that really stings is my grandmother. There was some drama with my aunt who decided to not come (after RSVPing yes with the intention of having us not find out) so I don't know if that was part of it or if it's because that side of the family just doesn't value getting married. To her education is the greatest thing we can do, getting married is just slowing down our educational opportunities. We had one or two more and while I know it's "wrong" to say it, it has definitely colored my opinions on these people because I cannot imagine going to a wedding without a gift or at least a card.

To me it's not about the gift. It's about the thought. So I don't say anything, because I know the rules, but I get what you're saying and would be lying to say my feelings aren't hurt.

I don't blame you for being upset at all. Like you said, it is not about the gift or money spent, but it is about etiquette and the thought. Every wedding I have been to or been in, there is always a shower gift and always a gift for the wedding... I think that is pretty standard.

I think its EXTREMELY rude to not bring a gift (or at least a card) to a wedding. I just got married 6 days ago, and there were 5 couples who did not give us a gift. I think 4 of the couples will come through and send us something in the mail but I know we won't be getting anything from the 5th couple. I have never gone to a wedding, birthday party, celebration, or dinner party empty handed. If someone is going to take the time, money, and energy to invite me to their celebration, you can absolutely bet I'm going to give you a token of my appreciation. For those of you who said gift giving is NOT required, well then I hope you never tip at a restaurant, because that is also not required. The classy and polite thing to do is to give a gift to the bride & groom for taking weeks/months/maybe years to plan a huge celebration with their friends and family.

My cousin brought a plus one without really asking me if it's ok. I had to find out her RSVP through her mom (my aunt). This plus one is just her neighbor who self-invited himself because he thought the location of the wedding is too pretty to miss out (Cinque Terre, Italy). I thought, it's ok as long as he pays for his plate, right? WRONG, both my cousin and him did not gift anything nor write me any cards. I find it completely rude like I'm just sponsoring her date a free meal that cost way more than 150€. I am not sure if I should approach her for this issue since it's bothering me so much after the event... I don't mind paying for my cousin, but not her plus one whom I don't even know nor is he her significant other.

Yes my son just got married, with 150 guests, and received 20 gifts. We had a 3 course meal, and an open bar. I believe people have lost the art of giving or show appreciation. We got married 30 years ago, it took all night to open gifts, and received enough money to go on a honeymoon !

We had most everyone provide a gift/card. However we did have one of the Groomsman and his now Fiance not provide a card or gift. I am not bitter about not receiving a gift but not even a card saying congrats and thanks for letting us be apart of your special day is what really has annoyed me. Especially since my husband and him have been friends since being kids and the now fiance none of us had even met. Now that they are in the process of planning their wedding I keep joking with my Husband that we will give them a card but no gift, Yes I know that may be acting petty but thats okay with me.

View Quoted Comment Gifts vary regionally and by social or ethnic group. Near us, it is extremely rare for anyone but older family members to give cash. And usually at least half will give something from a registry , for a wedding, almost no one at a shower, except where couple and guests are under about 25. Online shopping is not very common. But the one true overall, the shower gift is most always a second gift, from very closest friends and family only. And wedding gift larger.

We are facing this now - we have had a lot of people or couples not give a gift, to the point where at the beginning we suspected someone swiped some of the cards. The day after the wedding we began to hear from some people saying they forgot to leave it and dropped it in the mail (none of which ever came). We aren’t people who demand gifts as it actually makes us uncomfortable accepting gifts but some of these people were in our bridal party, some were family who we gifted a substantial amount a few years ago for their wedding and even a friend who has been married twice, so has gotten two cash gifts from us (not to mention christening gifts for their children, birthday presents for them, etc). If someone cannot afford a gift, we would have liked a card so at least we felt like we got well wishes from them. We know these people and they are wonderful and we know they mean well, but it does kind of sting in some cases that they didn’t leave anything. We asked our maid of honor the next day if she experienced it at her wedding and she said she received gifts from all guests and our weddings were the same size. We defenitly felt “alone” in this so I do feel a bit better reading this! Now, the people on the list that his family kind of forced us to invite and didn’t send anything, that’s a different story.

Just got married this weekend. Out of 70 guests, we received 14 cards. Keeping in mind that most of those came from couples, that means that 50% didn’t even give a card, much less any type of gift. I feel extremely frustrated because we worked extra hard to make sure that everyone had an amazing experience at our wedding, which meant shelling out money we didn’t have. The wedding was out of town, which was why we made such a strong effort to do so. I am having a hard time keeping my mind off of this. Not even a card? I showed up to my bridal shower with gifts for my friends that hosted, and they can’t even get a wedding card from the dollar store for my wedding. It just feels so rude. I am hoping my frustration fades with time.

View Quoted Comment I totally hear you, hoping the same! It’s been a month and it still stings. Some people have mentioned the “you have a year” rule, but who remembers after a year? At least give a card that says something like “Stay tunes for a special something from us over the next few months!” Or in the case of a bridal party member who felt that their contribution to the wedding was enough, at least give a card!

I just experienced the same. People must have lot their manners along the way. I wasn’t expecting gifts - but not to leave a card with well wishes to the bride and groom after being fed all day and a free bar is down rude rude.

I completely agree! Its downright rude. Even if someone was short on funds, a thoughtful card or handwritten note can be free or under $2 in cost. I spent hours decorating a honeymoon jar & a birdcage for cards. There was nothing in either one at the end of the night... 100 guests... 4 gifts on the table. The 4 gifts did include cards so I'm thankful to have those for our wedding scrapbook. But I could not fathom not bringing a card or anything to a wedding.

I would be totally annoyed too, and I know my FH would be as well. We are footing the bill for most of our expenses for our wedding. I feel that before getting married I didn't think about gifts because the weddings I attended were always cousins or other relatives and my parents "had me covered" so to speak.

I could not imagine attending the 3 weddings I am going to this fall and not bringing a gift of some kind. I think most of the time us couples are putting so much into this, we don't expect to break even, but we also what a little something to start our lives together (whether it is registry items, cash toward a honeymoon or house, etc.), like the tradition has always been.

I think if you had a bridal shower, people that attended that might not feel like they have to give a gift at the actual wedding. Which, according to tradition and etiquette, is false. For that reason we are not having a bridal shower. We both have good jobs, buy what we want, and are simply asking for honeymoon donations, which I know rubs some people the wrong way, but oh well. We are also having an adult-only event, which I am sure will ruffle a few feathers as well. We're rocking the boat all around. haha