Maid of honor disaster

View Quoted Comment Ok she does need to do that. Have you asked her how she is?

View Quoted Comment Colleen she is also going on trips with friends to the Bahamas and stuff that’s why I put in there I’m giving her the befit of the doubt she’s constantly going out and doing things but then when it comes to my wedding she can’t come to things .. now do you get where I’m coming from?

View Quoted Comment I have had terrible times with moh! My first moh I asked accepted it and then quit talking to me. She wouldn’t respond to my calls or texts. It was about a year later that I asked someone else. And my sister is annoyed like I said. The reasons are she’s never been one before and doesn’t know what to do, plus she is in school, and working full time and she just moved. So I don’t mind. I chose her cause she was the only friend that stuck with me after high school and she would take care of my animals when I go out of town and she never says no. I don’t mind that she isn’t the perfect moh because she’s great in other things. Plus I’m a perfectionist and I like to be in control of everything.

Omg practically same situation she is my cousin But has been a bridesmaid in almost 10 different weddings and she’s going to school and is a nurse and everything else and just like everybody else we all have school jobs and everything else going on so it doesn’t give her a pass so I totally get where you’re coming from

I am constantly texting her how is she doing how is work going how is school and all that but does she ever bothered to ask me how I’m doing how is my life going how’s work and everything else ..no

View Quoted Comment I am one off those people who constantly ask how everyone is but don’t ever get asked myself

Also didn’t add that she said she didn’t want to give a speech for my wedding at all how do you feel about that

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She doesn't need to give a speech. She's not doing anything wrong by not wanting to give a speech. All speeches are optional. Pretty much everything you're complaining about with her are optional things. Bridal showers - throwing or attending - are completely optional parties. All she has to do as either a bridesmaid or MOH is show up to the wedding in the selected dress. You said she never got the dress and then also that you don't know if she got the dress (?), but either way it sounds like she has the dress information and is an adult so let her take care of it; she just needs to have it in hand when she shows up for the wedding (and in the very unlikely event that she doesn't, she can wear whatever she wants and be a regular guest. The wedding will go on.).

You have unrealistic wedding party expectations, combined with complaining wedding party members. I suggest you let them know that you understand that they're frustrated but that you don't want to be involved in planning your bridal shower and you understand that your MOH lives far away and can't be involved in planning and may not even be able to attend, and that's okay with you. Set the tone with your party. Don't let this become (even more of) a 'bash the MOH' group. MOH just means that she's the one you're closest to and honoring the most, not the one with the most 'work' to do. She has no duties. None of your bridesmaids do. If they're choosing to throw you a bridal shower, that's awesome for you and you should be grateful for that gift, not complaining about what you're not getting from someone else. You should not be expecting her to make multiple long distance trips for pre-wedding events for you. If she can, great! If not, oh well. Her financial decisions and calendar are not going to revolve around you for the year leading up to your wedding, and you do not actually know her financial situation; do not judge whether or not she can afford (or should want to spend her money that way) to visit you more often based on your snapshot of her life and expenses and income.

It's not clear to me how she lied about coming to your shower (your posts are difficult to understand because of typos and missing words, by the way, so be careful about berating people for not reading or understanding your comments). Is it because she said at some point that she would, and then wanted to come on a separate trip in July and that would be the only trip she could afford to make other than the wedding? If so, that's not a lie. You said something about her not RSVPing I think, but I couldn't really understand that part.

Based on the comments, it's a little mixed. Side tip though: if you want to vent and get support and agreement, just note that in the post.

In the etiquette section it seems to get a bit savage, where either the original poster is deemed rude (here) or the responses are also pretty rude (also here.)

You'll have to make a decision on whether you can stand up there with her. If you think your wedding wouldn't be the same without her, then make a choice and defend her. If you'd think about all this stuff when seeing pictures with her in bridal party, then ask her to step completely off (IMO).

You don't ask someone to be your MOH based off what they can do for you. You ask them to be your MOH, because they hold special meaning to you (nearest & dearest). I wouldn't ask her to step down because she can't accomplish pre-wedding things when she is living in another state. It's expensive as heck to travel / fly anywhere. Not to mention the time off work. I don't blame her for not being able to make it. As long as she is there for you on your wedding day, then I don't see an issue here.

In general removing someone from MOH means they stop talking to you. Do you want your cousin mad at you for who knows how long?
While I think it's odd and rude she's not responding some people are like that. I personally think it was asking too much for someone out of state to be maid of honor, especially if everyone else lives near you. Flights are expensive and it's hard to match schedules to work correctly.
I also think it's not your mother's or other bridesmaids place to ask you to consider her stepping down, I feel like that is also rude.

View Quoted Comment This! Completely this.

View Quoted Comment And this!!!

I've been on this forum for years and it still shocks me that so many people want to "fire" BM/MOHs because of what they haven't done for them.

Don't we choose these people to stand next to us as an honor? Not as unpaid help? I don't get it....

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I agree. Their only "job" is to show up reasonably sober, dressed for the occasion and smile. MOH is not a job that you fire someone from. You can kick them out of the wedding party, sure, but they will never speak to you again. Full disclosure: I had someone do this to me, as a bride, back in the early 90's at my first wedding. She decided, about a month before, to move on my wedding day! She left a message on my answering machine and we have never spoken since.

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She's going to school AND she's a nurse AND she lives out of state and she's not making your wedding the biggest priority in her life? Nurses work long hours. Throw in school, and she probably barely has time to sleep. In addition to expense, she probably doesn't have multiple days in a row that she can take off. She may be saving your wedding as her splurge time off. Maybe you're not willing to give her a pass, but I certainly would.

That is so frustrating. Unless you want to end the friendship completely, I would just let it be. Let her make her own choices regarding the wedding. You don’t need that stress. If she comes and participates in the required dress I would call it a win. As someone else has suggested, I would maybe add an additional gift to the other girls.

My sister has completely dropped the ball on maid of honor stuff. She has done absolutely NOTHING!!! My bridesmaids are the ones that have handled everything.

View Quoted Comment I'm relatively new here and the amount I've seen in that short time is SHOCKING. I agree 100%! It's supposed to be an honor- your way of letting them know you can't imagine your day without them!

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I agree with Vicky. Please lower your expectations because it's only hurting both of you. If you "fire" her, that will only reflect poorly on you and likely end the friendship