Sarah
Expert October 2021

Living with your significant other

Sarah, on December 26, 2020 at 2:01 PM

Posted in Family and Relationships 69

My fiancé and I have been living together for all of almost 3 months and we are already getting on each other’s nerves. My fiancé and I talked about it, we love each other and want to get married, we are having a hard time figuring out how to live together. We have about 10 months left on our...
My fiancé and I have been living together for all of almost 3 months and we are already getting on each other’s nerves. My fiancé and I talked about it, we love each other and want to get married, we are having a hard time figuring out how to live together. We have about 10 months left on our apartment lease. We are going to try and make things work. I feel like I’m at my breaking point. Because I want to marry him, but every little thing he does annoys me. I don’t know if I’m getting cold feet because I don’t feel ready to be with the same person for the rest of my life or if it is because I want to date more to make sure my fiancé is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I need advice, if anyone has been in a similar situation let me know how it worked out. Also was it hard for anyone else to live with their significant other?

69 Comments

  • Heather
    Just Said Yes June 2022
    Heather ·
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    I highly recommend seeing a therapist privately or together to sort these concerns . Do Not ignore your feelings ! Follow your gut .
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  • Sarah
    Expert October 2021
    Sarah ·
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    My fiancé and I got engaged a couple weeks shy of our one year anniversary. We will be engaged for almost 2 1/2 years before we get married. So definitely a long engagement.
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  • Alysia
    Just Said Yes September 2022
    Alysia ·
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    A couples therapist! Helped me boyfriend (now fiancé) so much when we moved BACK IN with each other. Best wishes 💕
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  • Jeanette
    Expert July 2022
    Jeanette ·
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    Oh good! I would just try your best to work through these living together bumps now. Two years and a half will make a big difference, especially in a fresh relationship! It's normal for relationships to take a lot of work, so it's just up to you whether this guy is worth doing it with. I had moments where I would be so angry and or frustrated, even for small periods of time, and I doubted myself. But after I cooled down and we worked through things, it always always felt worth it. That includes even now 😂 but the frustrating moments are further and further apart. Good luck!
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  • Haileigh
    Just Said Yes January 2022
    Haileigh ·
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    My fiancé and I were 15 when we got together and 18 when we got our first place as a couple. We’ve been together 9 years and are now finally in the best spot we’ve ever been in. It’s taken us a long time to grow up together and pinpoint exactly what we want and need from eachother to work and feel comfortable spending the rest of our lives together. I personally would hold off on wedding planning until you are 100% with marrying your partner. There’s no rush on marriage and why not wait until you’re sure it’s going to work. Living together is tough especially if you’re very opposite. My partner and I kind of grew into each other so that made a big difference but sometimes it’s okay to take a step back and feel those feelings! They might be telling you something.
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  • Taylor
    Just Said Yes May 2021
    Taylor ·
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    My comment may not be helpful, and by no means am I saying this is the only "correct" way one should feel through this situation because people are so different but I figure it's always good to hear different perspectives.

    Me and my fiancé have been living together for about 8 months, and even though we still haven't found the balance of chores quite yet. That's okay. I also have moments where I have a tone with him and he respectfully brings that up and vice versa.

    But living together has only brought us closer together. There are stresses in it, absolutely, but none of them have to do with my fiancé as a person if that makes sense.

    Figuring out a chore schedule that will keep the place 100% clean when we are wedding planning and have completely different schedules is very hard and very stressful. But that's the situation not the person.

    And don't get me wrong, me and my fiancé both have little ticks that are frustrating but we usually point it out, either when we are doing it ourselves (and laugh and move on) or we bring it up when the other person is doing it but frame saying it in a non-accusatory way, for example, "Hey honey, I'm just letting you know you're having a slight tone, but I know you just got off wok, is that why? Was work okay?" or we just ask simply "Are you okay?" So we know it's not personal. We also got in the habit of telling each other "I may be quiet for a little bit" or "I may need alone time I don't know if I can control my tone right now, but it has nothing to do with you" and we drop it and let that said person do what they need to do. Then after about 30 minutes that said person usually checks in and explains why they were having a tone before, but it's important to give them that time and space because tone issues will always happen, we're human. It's just learning to lessen the frequency of it and to navigate around it in a healthy way.

    I'm saying all of this to say, stressors are normal. Dividing up chores during a stressful time will always be hard. And little tone issues will always happen because humans are human. But again, living together has only made us fall in love even more and solidified the foundation of our relationship. He is absolutely my family now. When he proposed to me and we moved in together it completely changed our relationship for the better (and it was great before). But I think, besides the soul mate or religious aspect of things, a big reason why is because we dealt with all of our problems before we got engaged.

    Living together and marriage only exemplify the state that you're at, so if you were in love with him, but had doubts before, it will be exemplified now. We made sure before we got engaged we worked through our big issues and landed on a system to bring up the small ones we may have in the future, and I think that's really important.

    Since you are already engaged, I think calling off the wedding at the moment (or at least not planning it) is great. The pressure of that needs to be gone and you both need to talk about your fears and learn to navigate and overcome them. I agree with everyone above that therapy would be ideal for this.

    My personal opinion is I would not start planning the wedding again until you completely trust your fiancé and know that you would never want to be with anyone else because they cannot compare to him. You need to be at a place where your brain can't even go there (because it's just not a possibility to it). And in you heart, you should know that he would never be capable of cheating on you because he feels the exact same way.

    I understand that past situations can creep up and cause problems in a current relationship. But it's important to analyze and feel and say "But my fiancé is not that person and he would never hurt me in that way." Until you feel that security I would not pursue with the wedding planning. And if you are not sure you want to be with him forever I would definitely not get married. I'm not saying he is not the one for you or is, no one knows that except for the two of you. But these issues cannot be present in order for that to be the case.

    Another thing to possibly think about is if small arguments tail spin in your mind and spiral to a darker place of questions like "Why are we even together?" "Does he want to be with someone else?" then you're relationship is not in a good place. But it's good thing to recognize that if that's the case. Normally, small arguments, are just that. You feel annoyed at the situation at hand, and nothing more. It doesn't bring up further thoughts or fears because you are completely secure in that relationship.

    I also wanted to add, if the issue is that you don't want commitment that's okay. But you need to let him go if that's the case. Again, I don't know your situation. If you're in a bad place in a relationship and haven't had these big conversations and navigated through them yet, of course you are not going to feel 100% ready to marry them yet, because you're not. And that could be the issue right there. Or it could be that you don't want marriage, but you feel like you should, and you actually do want to be with other people and date. I would see how you feel. Don't think of your current partner, think about marriage as a whole. Do you like the idea of having one person forever? To have one person to grow old with and change with? Does this excite you or make you fearful? I would think on that for a bit and see if this an issue that can even be resolved.

    But, again, I would highly suggest navigating these thoughts and feelings in therapy and be very honest about your fears with your fiancé.

    I wish you both the best of luck and happiness in what ever form that takes!

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  • Ali
    Expert March 2021
    Ali ·
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    Very true and something that me and my FH went through as well. But in all honesty it made our relationship stronger as things we needed to work on came to light. We both have learned how to live with each othet now and it's much better.
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  • Sarah
    Expert October 2021
    Sarah ·
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    That’s good to hear. That gives me hope. Thank you 😊
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  • Sarah
    Expert October 2021
    Sarah ·
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    Thank you for that. I know my fiancé and I talk a lot about this. We talk about our future like when we are in our 80’s and living in a nursing home what we will be doing. He also always tells me to live in the present, not the future because the future has not happened yet. I know for over two years now, we have been talking about my mistrust and how I am afraid to let my guard down. It took me awhile dating my fiancé before I could show him the real me, not the normal person I pretend to be when I’m not at home with my family. It has been hard, because my exes who cheated on me, started off with the same personality and interests as my fiancé. Trust me I would love to find a therapist. I started going to therapy when I was 5. The only problem is I have not found a therapist who takes my health insurance yet.
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