My fiancé and I have been living together for all of almost 3 months and we are already getting on each other’s nerves. My fiancé and I talked about it, we love each other and want to get married, we are having a hard time figuring out how to live together. We have about 10 months left on our apartment lease. We are going to try and make things work. I feel like I’m at my breaking point. Because I want to marry him, but every little thing he does annoys me. I don’t know if I’m getting cold feet because I don’t feel ready to be with the same person for the rest of my life or if it is because I want to date more to make sure my fiancé is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I need advice, if anyone has been in a similar situation let me know how it worked out. Also was it hard for anyone else to live with their significant other?
Latest activity by Sarah, on December 29, 2020 at 11:24 PM
I would say it is not the living together piece rather you feeling you want to date more to make sure he is the one. Co habitation is always a struggle especially in the beginning. Even if you lived with family or a friend you would butt heads. My husband does things that annoy me and vice versa but after 5 years we are used to some things and we live together well. I think it is the cold feet more so due to you are not sure if he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you are feeling that way then I think a different conversation needs to be had and soon before you two marry.
Living together, especially for the first time, takes a lot of getting used to. Each of you had a routine you followed when you were in your own space and it can be very hard to deal with new routines. What exactly is driving you crazy about him? Is it little things adding up, like he leaves dishes on the counter and you want them cleaned and put away, or are they more serious issues? If they are little things, those can be somewhat easy to get through if you guys sit down and talk about it and come to a solution. My FH and I sat down and divvied up the chores based on what we hated most. For example, I hate washing dishes but don’t mind cooking or cleaning the bathroom. He hates cleaning the bathroom and cooking so he does the dishes and I do cooking and bathroom. He keeps the kitchen clean and I keep the floors clean. He feeds our animals at night and I take care of them in the morning. Stuff like that. Once we figured that out it was much easier. If there are more serious issues, I might recommend some therapy to help you both get used to things and take it from there.
It was a huge adjustment for us, but only took a few months until it got easier. We just had to accept some things about each other and tweak them. I'm a neat freak hes disorganized. So little things like not hanging up a jacket and leaving his personal items all over the living room instead of in proper places (like his belt on furniture etx) drove me nuts but we talked about it and now we are on the same page
I hate how my fiance would put his dirty clothes in the corner of the closet instead of the hamper!!! My mom suggested that I move the hamper to the corner of the closet and then it worked!!! He now puts his dirty clothes in the hamper which is in the closet's corner.
Cohabitation is a big adjustment. Especially within the first few months. You really discover things about each other that you didn’t notice or wouldn’t have known. My fiancé and I annoy each other at times lol and we’ve been living together since the start of quarantine. Are the things that annoy you things you feel you can look past?
Moving in together can be difficult under normal circumstances, but throw in a pandemic and you have some serious adjustments going on. This can be even more difficult if neither of you has lived with a SO in the past. I think the most important thing is making sure that you both have time to yourselves. I’ve lived with my wife for over 3 years. I used to work three 12 hour shifts, so I had plenty of time on my own. I recently took a new position and we now work the exact same schedule. Talk about a learning curve! We’ve both had to make a point to have our alone time. Whether that means running errands separately, my wife taking the long way home so I have an extra 10 minutes to myself, or just scrolling through WeddingWire on the couch for an extra 30 minutes after she goes to bed. On the other side of the same token, don’t mistake living together for spending time together. Sitting on your phones on opposite couches isn’t quality time. It’s equally important to make sure you set aside time devoted to your partner and nothing else. Also...COMMUNICATE! Let him know which of his habits bother you and respond with grace when he does the same.
That, I am afraid will not go away. 24 years living together, I love my husband, but I need my alone time sometimes. This covid sure bring us closer but at the same time I can’t escape from him! He installed cameras in most rooms, and makes me even feel sooo freaking annoyed. Sometimes I feel like pack a bag and leave for a few months. I am very social, but I desperately need alone time now and then. He hates to go out anywhere without me, but I don’t like to go out unless we go on vacation, dance, or roller skating 🤣 I went without him to stay with my sis and mom a couple times for 1-3 months and it felt sooooo good, and also makes me feel how I miss him and that is important to me. I don’t think it’s a commitment issues or cold feet you are feeling. Living with someone could be challenging, especially if you two have different habits/interests. Tell him what annoys you so he knows and try to tolerate you.
Typically I would say to focus on and work on your cohabitation; however, there have been ALOT of red flags in your past posts regarding your relationship and your feelings/commitment to your fiance. You have been saying for quite some time that you cannot see yourself with your fiancé forever. You have said on multiple occasions that you feel as though you want to date other people. You have family issues involving him. You tend to not stick up for him with your family. And now you are saying every thing he does annoys you. Based on your posts as a collective, I would say you are not committed to spending forever with this person. It’s ok to care about and love someone, but realize they are not the right person for you. What is not ok is wasting that person’s time, stringing them along and deceiving them. I would highly suggest seeking therapy (for yourself, not couples therapy), in order to come to terms with your feelings and figure out how to proceed in regards to your relationship.
I agree with the ladies above. I have lived with my fiancé for almost 3 years and there are definitely some things that annoyed me in the beginning, like him leaving a mess on the coffee table every morning etc but we talked and worked it out. It just takes time and patience.
But a major red flag is with what you said " I don’t feel ready to be with the same person for the rest of my life or if it is because I want to date more to make sure my fiancé is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with". You have to be sure that your partner is the one for you before you say "I do", not only to be fair to him but to yourself too. In my opinion, marriage is a big deal and commitment, it is to be taken serious. If you don't feel ready, then don't do it. Marriage is a risk, you have to be willing to take no matter the outcome.
I mean, there's always a period of adjustment when you move in with someone else. Everyone has their own way of doing things and sometimes they irritate. The pandemic has exacerbated everyone's emotions and makes little things seem a lot bigger - either you're dealing with the possibility of being exposed every time you go to work or you're stuck at home, which is not a good time either (I'm an introvert, but after 9 months home, I NEED to get out of here!).
Your problem, however, doesn't seem to be a cohabitation issue. The fact that you aren't sure that he's the only one you want to date/be with for the rest of your life is a problem. Even when I'm angry, irritated, aggravated with H, I can't imagine not being with him. I think Chrysta's right - you need to talk to a therapist about your feelings and figure out if this is the right relationship for you. You can love someone and it not be right.
I lived with and then broke up with one guy. We kept trying to fix things because we cared, but we had different level of cleanliness standards, different understandings of acceptable company, for starters not letting them in if they already had too much to drink. He made lots of promises and got around to doing most, when he felt like it, maybe 10 days later. Bouncef checks left and right when he had plenty of money, but had forgotten to transfer credit union savings to checking. The final straw was when my young nieces and nephews were staying a week ( in my 4 bedroom place , he had moved in) and I saw hoe he treated the kids. A bad example, teasing, cheating them at games so he would win. And they all had better manners, could see what needed doing and do it. Ages 4,6,6,7 and they were all more mature in simple things. He had a Masters in engineering, but getting that shirt in the hamper not on the floor beside it, was beyond him. All just little irritating things. He had a generous nature, made good conversation, was well traveled and interesting, liked to hike, ski, swim and kyak with me. All these things and fin in bed too. But as soon as we had been moved in about 3 months, suddenly he did not need to keep up appearances, and was his own natural self. When my brother visited, just a couple daytimes helping us build a porch, I was constantly irritated. And my brother told me to wake up. And stop trying to fix things . Our parts didn't fit, and all the duct tape and wire in the world couldn't bind us together for long. I invited him to move out.
It wasn't hard but it was definitely a struggle when my husband and I first started living together. It still is and we've lived together for 4+ years now but it isn't as bad. I used to get annoyed with soooo much that he did but when I voiced my annoyance he tried to fix things. & other things I learned to ignore. It gets easier!
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It is minor issues right now. We have divided everything up. I just get like this, I bottle everything up because I don’t want to hurt those that I love. Then everything comes out at once. My fiancé and I are having open conversations about this. We both decided to put the wedding on hold. Because we don’t want to go through with getting married if we are not 100% certain we want to spend the rest of our life together. Our lease is up in 10 months, we decided to give ourselves the next 10 months to work on our relationship to see if we can spend the rest of our life together.
Struggling with cohabitation and having doubts about your fiance are 2 different things.
Don't put down any deposits for a wedding. Put all wedding planning to a full stop. Get into premarital counseling asap to get insight into whether you're compatible Marriage won't make a man tidier or you more tolerating. If you're not able to commit to the status quo as it is right now, get this resolved BEFORE marriage
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It is honestly the littlest of things like not putting his plate in the sink after eating. Plus he does not really ever cook it is either he is having fast food delivered or he is picking fast food up while he is out.
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That is the same for me, I like things neat and orderly. He leaves his stuff every where. I think part of his problem though is he was living at home before we moved into our own place. His mom did everything for him. He never had to clean because his family hired maids to clean the house.
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My fiancé and I started talking about this. He thinks due to the pandemic it is stressing me out and causing me to feel how I do. Since I’m a social butterfly who loves to hangout with friends. Plus before Covid we would do a weekend getaway about once every other month when we where stressed out. We would take a short road trip, stop at random town, stay in a random hotel, and we would do local tourist attractions. It was fun and exciting, then Covid hit. We where starting to have normal going out to a restaurant date nights and then new restrictions from our governor is making that hard to do now.