Sarah
Expert October 2021

Living with your significant other

Sarah, on December 26, 2020 at 2:01 PM

Posted in Family and Relationships 69

My fiancé and I have been living together for all of almost 3 months and we are already getting on each other’s nerves. My fiancé and I talked about it, we love each other and want to get married, we are having a hard time figuring out how to live together. We have about 10 months left on our...
My fiancé and I have been living together for all of almost 3 months and we are already getting on each other’s nerves. My fiancé and I talked about it, we love each other and want to get married, we are having a hard time figuring out how to live together. We have about 10 months left on our apartment lease. We are going to try and make things work. I feel like I’m at my breaking point. Because I want to marry him, but every little thing he does annoys me. I don’t know if I’m getting cold feet because I don’t feel ready to be with the same person for the rest of my life or if it is because I want to date more to make sure my fiancé is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I need advice, if anyone has been in a similar situation let me know how it worked out. Also was it hard for anyone else to live with their significant other?

69 Comments

  • Sarah
    Expert October 2021
    Sarah ·
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    That is true, my fiancé thinks having fast food delivered is romantic. For him yes that could be. For me it is coming home after a long day of work and he has candles lit or bought me flowers (I can’t remember the last time he bought me flowers). I just wish we had the same days off, then we could do a spontaneous getaway how we used to before he lost his job due to Covid and had to get a new job. I was actually going to talk to his sister this coming weekend when I see her about helping him plan a romantic date night.
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  • Sarah
    Expert October 2021
    Sarah ·
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    That is actually helpful, I did not know I could schedule a therapy session through video chat. I will definitely have to look into that. Also it is strange, for some reason my family starting today is super supportive of my fiancé and I. They where saying all good things about him. So I’m glad they are starting to be more supportive 😊
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I can't speak for all men but I think that we as women grow up with these Notions of what we consider romantic and we expect that men are going to do that. Really it's very rarely do things like that. I can probably count a handful of times my husband has been truly romantic where I felt Blown Away. Honestly usually dance is us going out for date night or something like that. But in terms of him coming home with like flowers or something like that not even happening. I do think maybe what other people have said as well is that coronavirus has really changed our lives and what we can do so that's probably also causing some stress as well. I think it's okay to communicate what you consider romance but at the same time I understand that he is who he is and maybe romance isn't something natural to him. But again I'm a firm believer of we as women want our men giving us flowers every week or coming home with chocolate and I feel like it's rare that men do stuff like that. I would say appreciate the little things that he does for you. Like my guy isn't a gift giving guy but if I had an upset stomach not too long ago he may think next time he's at the store on let me get some Tums for her which I feel like the fact that he thought of me is really romantic.
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  • Jamie
    Dedicated July 2021
    Jamie ·
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    A couple of things I really suggest: discussing what your pet peeves are, that might help make living together a little easier on top of the normal adjusting of lifestyles. And figuring out what your love languages are and talking them over. He might not need romance to feel loved and therefore doesn't know that you do. Everyone gives and receives love differently and this is a really great way to make sure you guys are always giving each other the things you really need to feel it, which could be very different things.
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  • Allie
    VIP November 2021
    Allie ·
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    The situation you’re in stinks, but it is great to hear that you are willing to work on things together! I wish you the best of luck, we are all here if you need anything at all ❤️.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    To me, it sounds more like you are struggling with the idea of settling down or the possiblity they someone else is out there that could be a better fit for you rather than you being annoyed that he won't pick up after himself. I don't think it is fair to either of you to continue planning a wedding unless both of you are committed to each other. In this care, it doesn't sound like you are that committed to your fiance if you are contemplating the idea that you need to date more.
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  • Victorian Bride
    Master February 2022
    Victorian Bride ·
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    Agree. A good therapist will help you put things in perspective. There is no shame in seeking advice from a professional.
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  • Victorian Bride
    Master February 2022
    Victorian Bride ·
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    Sarah, I have a video chat therapy session at least 3-4 times a month. Truly, if you find a good therapist, someone you can relate to and with, your sessions will be so extremely helpful. So glad to hear your family is being more supportive. I know that is a relief. Stay strong! xx
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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    Have you tried doing this for him to show him what romance means to you?
    It’s a two way street, but it sounds like you expect him to do all the actual work and unfortunately he can’t live up to expectations he doesn’t even know exist.
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  • Sarah
    Expert October 2021
    Sarah ·
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    When he was having a bad day from work I would buy him flowers and his favorite chocolates. I can’t really now because he works overnights and I work days. He is off Wednesday-Friday, I’m off Saturday/Sunday. We don’t really ever have time to spend together which I think is part of the problem. I work 9:30am-6:30pm and he works 6:30pm-6:30am, then he comes home and sleeps until 5pm when he gets up for work. I feel like part of our problem is not having schedules that allow us to really spend time together.
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  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow ·
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    With each of your updates, there seem to be a lot of problems with your relationship, and each of you individually.


    I don't know if a therapist will get him to cook or clean up after himself. You should not have to teach him how to adult. Don't marry a man child. You're to be his wife, not his maid.
    I think a therapist can help you work on your communication and trust/commitment issues. You should probably do therapy on your own regardless of what happens with your relationship.
    You seem very self aware and good at identifying things that bother you.
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  • Delown
    Just Said Yes September 2021
    Delown ·
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    Living with someone definitely tests the waters. Because you see a different side to them. I wound seek couples counseling before moving on any further. You need answers to these things before saying I do.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Struggling to live with each other is one thing that ever couple has to struggle through. And it's normal to be annoyed. But talking about how you aren't really ready to settle down and how you want to date some more is a completely different thing. Sounds to me like you should be canceling your wedding and possibly walking away from your relationship. Stop wasting his time, stop stringing him along, sit down and talk with him and tell him the truth about how you are feeling about the wedding and your relationship with him, give him a chance to decide if he thinks you are worth the possible time wasted.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Totally agree with you
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  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
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    I would put your wedding on hold from what you’ve said. There was no difficulty during our transition of moving in together or any red flags. Of course, you truly figure out his or her daily routines and habits, but nothing to where it made me question anything as you seem to be. As far as people blaming it on the pandemic.. I don’t buy it...lol my partner has made this pandemic quite unapologetically fantastic living with him! I couldn’t imagine living apart during our engagement. Maybe go to therapy and see what happens. Wishing you the best 🤍🤍
    • Reply
  • Jeanette
    Expert July 2022
    Jeanette ·
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    We moved in at the beginning of our relationship so the first year was great but also the hardest. Living with anyone is hard. Personally, I can't imagine marrying someone I haven't already lived with for years and worked out all the fine points. There were times along the way that were rough and we felt like it'd be easier to give up but now through all that we're so happy and work together so well, with a strong foundation to start a marriage and family. I understand if circumstance or religion kept you separate until getting engaged, but I might even do a long engagement in this case if you can. We did two years (because we're very busy, so for different reasons) and it's been great! Either way, you should have a good look into your own feelings and then have an honest conversation with him. Good luck Smiley heart

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  • J
    Savvy April 2021
    Jaquelyn ·
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    I think the transition from living as a single to living with your husband is challenging for various reasons. Although my fiancé & I aren’t technically living together yet he recently moved to the same area so he’s at my house a lot. I love him being around but I’m learning new things about him and vice versa. My love for him trumps everything. I can live with it because that’s far easier than living without him. I’ve never questioned marrying him. Just buckled up knowing it’s going to be a bumpy ride at times. I think a heart to heart with your fiancé is needed. Plus some deep soul searching to make sure you love ALL of him, even the things that get on your nerves. If there’s another life (dating, less annoyances, etc.) that’s more intriguing, then maybe this just isn’t the right time. But don’t rush into any decision. Give yourself as much time as you need to be at peace and don’t let anyone rush you.
    • Reply
  • Ali
    Expert March 2021
    Ali ·
    • Flag
    I totally feel this because living together with my fiancé was one of the hardest things we have ever gone through as a couple. It showed me his true colors and it almost broke us up. It was just a really stressful and dark time for us. Something we don't really like to talk about but it was the turning point for us. Do things to make your partners life easier. We had stupid fights about laundry cleaning and dishes. It's an adjustment for sure. Once you find what works for each other, get used to living with the othet person and what it entails (quirky habits, each others routine, likes/dislikes) it becomes easier. We learned that we needed to do some things as a team such as dishes or laundry and others were handled individually such as cleaning, taking care of my cat and taking out the trash. We have been living together for 2 years going on 3 (together for almost 4, engaged for 3 and about to get married in 2.5 months) and are still discussing how we do things. Just be open with your partner and express how you feel. We honestly thought we wouldn't be where we are today but all it takes is both of you to be willing to work together.
    • Reply
  • Ella
    Just Said Yes September 2022
    Ella ·
    • Flag
    It’s seems like you’re not ready. You’re not even sure he’s the one. Major red flag. Why would you need to date more? You don’t think he has every quality you want and someone else might posses them. That’s messed up. Dating more people isn’t going to make YOU ready.
    • Reply
  • Janessa
    Dedicated November 2022
    Janessa ·
    • Flag
    I totally understand you I’ve been
    Engaged over a year and we’ve lived together with my parents at first and now
    It’s over a year and a half we’ve had our own place . You are going to see all the little flaws and frustrations , those things that probably you would never think to argue about ( I’ve been there and trust me from the smallest to the biggest ) it does play with how committed you are to each other and especially marriage . OneThing though I’ve had to learn is if you are willing to a) can you deal with that annoyance or thing you are arguing over ? Or can it be fixed by communication B) is the ego too big and cares more to be right ? C) understand that everyone has their quirks even you lol and the next person will also have those things you will argue over .
    Weigh a pros and cons chart .. step outside of your perspective a bit .. and see if the two of you can reach a compromise or at least acknowledge each other’s feelings .
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