We're here to help you keep moving forward, no matter what your plans are.

Sam

Letting friend know about bridesmaids

Sam, on January 21, 2021 at 9:03 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 27
Saved Save
Reply
One of my oldest friends recently got engaged. I never expected to be chosen to be a bridesmaid, so that has never been on my radar. She is one of 3 of my best girlfriends from school, and the 4 of us are all very close and I would consider us a bit of a package deal. When we do things we do them as the 4 of us, we regularly video chat as we all live in different cities and organise girls trips a few times a year. I found out that my friend asked one of the other girls to be a bridesmaid but didn’t talk to me or the other girl about it. I’m not jealous or upset about who she chose, but more that she didn’t think that she needed to tell me or talk to me about it. I tried to explain that I’m a little upset that she wasn’t open and honest about it and if she had come to me and let me know t be considerate of how that may have made me feel then it wouldn’t have been a big deal. She doesn’t understand where I’m coming from and thinks that what I’ve said isn’t fair.

27 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on January 24, 2021 at 1:21 PM
  • Hannah
    Rockstar July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    I personally don't see that she did anything wrong. In fact, I would find it odd and a little off-putting if someone approached me to explain why I wasn't in the bridal party. It's the same as not inviting someone to the wedding. You typically don't bring up up conversation with someone when you aren't planning to include them in it. That's not to say your feelings aren't valid. You are 100% entitled to feel the way you feel, and it's OK if you feel hurt.
    • Reply
  • M
    Super June 2021
    Melanie Online ·
    • Flag

    You have every right to be hurt, but I also think it would've been weird if she told you that you weren't in the bridal party. I think it would be super awkward if she said "Hey, I'm having so and so as a bridesmaid but not you since we aren't as close". I don't know what would be a nice or considerate way to say something like that.

    • Reply
  • Sam
    Sam ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Yer I understand that. But I guess for me I’d prefer it to be out in the open then it being this unspoken thing. Especially within our small & tight friendship group. But also hearing from someone else, wasn’t how I thought I would find out
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I don’t see where you’re coming from either. I think everyone is entitled to their feelings, but friendships are not “a package deal” when you’re an adult. You can absolutely be closer to one person than to others and there should never be a reason someone has to warn friends that they aren’t in the wedding party.
    • Reply
  • Sam
    Sam ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Oh Lordy. This is not about not being chosen. She’s totally entitled to have whoever she chooses. And historically she was closer to this one girl, so it’s no surprise to me that she chose her. However it’s been this little “secret” and we’re such close friends that I thought letting me know would be considerate
    • Reply
  • Hannah
    Rockstar July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Did she intend for it to be a secret or was it just something that wasn't discussed? As a previous poster said, there isn't really a good way to bring this up. Had you asked her who was in the bridal party and she skirted the question?
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Rockstar August 2020
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    Hi Sam! I know how you feel and many years ago something very similar happened in our friend group. I actually was quite surprised as we all expected to be bridesmaids. It’s understandable to be confused by it. I never said anything, but truth be told I was a bit hurt.


    I had another friend who was really classy and let me know “hey I just want you to know although you’re not in the bridal party I want you there, I’m excited for you to be there, and I want you to feel included”. I was touched she was so thoughtful and considerate of my feelings. I was invited to the shower, bachelorette party, etc. I’m like you, I prefer things out in the open. 😉
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    How has it been a secret though? I never discussed my wedding party with anyone who wasn’t in it unless someone directly asked me. If you asked her and she hid it from you, that’s one thing, but if she just didn’t mention it I wouldn’t call that a secret.
    • Reply
  • Sam
    Sam ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Omg yes!! Okay you get me. All I would have liked is her to say you know I can’t have you as part of my wedding party but I still want you there and apart of it.
    • Reply
  • Apryl
    Devoted March 2022
    Apryl ·
    • Flag
    Frankly your friend doesn't owe anyone an explanation in her choice of bridesmaids.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Rockstar August 2020
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Absolutely and I’m guilty of it myself where I don’t know how to say the right words sometimes and she probably feels that way. Remember it is common and human nature to feel hurt in this type of situation. Keep it classy by still supporting her by coming as a guest and have a drink at the wedding with the other friend who is not a bridesmaid ❤️🥂😉
    Keep your chin up girlie!! 👍
    • Reply
  • Vicky
    Super January 2020
    Vicky ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    But that's not a reasonable expectation. She was under no obligation to say that to you, and frankly most people would have advised her not to - it's not considered polite or appropriate to tell someone that they're not invited to be part of something.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    I agree with the bride. This os a rule of Etiquette that has always made sense to me. When making a choice of a limited number of people, whether bridesmaids, to the opera, or a kids birthday party, The host never, repeat Never, has to talk with other people who were not chosen, or justify why another person was chosen, or talk with others and see how they feel about things, before asking someone else. Hosts right to decide is absolute. This is not applying for a scholarship for the poor, where you are poor and can point out the recipient has a 2 million dollar trust fund. There, one person os eligible, one is not. But on private matters of friendship, one should not be discussing other friends behind their backs. Mis- information and rumors get out, and friendships of a large group of people can be strained or ruined. For what? Someone is either jealous, or thinks she is superior to all other candidates, or is hurt in a way no conversation can fix, usually in part to her own ( lack ) of self esteem.
    There might be 5 other people from different places and times in a bride's life who thinl they should have been chosen. But a host or bride or groom should not have to run the gauntlet with those not chosen, in order to choose a group, for a wedding or anything else.
    It is pretty clear that the bride has reasons for choosing others. And telling you each reason would make you feel worse. What you want is very understandable in an adolescent. A very emotional view, we all go through. But standards of etiquette are chosen as a way to organize or make sensible guidelines to get through social situations with a minimum of friction, and long term bad consequences. And a big one is, in optional social situations, we trust that other people have good intentions and make the best decisions they can. And it is not right for an adult to continually have to justify their choices to other adults. Ex- lovers are not entitled to any warning or justification when a person becomes engaged to or marries another. If someone declines a wedding or other invitation, they need not share why. They are adults, whom you consider friends and you must assume they acted with good reason. ☹️Sorry, for your hurt feelings. But please, don't let this hurt your friendship. Go to wedding things with good grace.
    • Reply
  • Sam
    Sam ·
    • Flag
    I just want to clear some things up. I would never expect her to justify her choices because that’s not something she needs to do. I never expected or wanted to be a part of her bridal party. Frankly I love the girls she picked, I think it’s a great group that all reflect different stages of her life.
    My point was, which seems to be missed on a lot of people. Was if the shoe was on the other foot and I picked one of 3 of my besties who are a tight group of friends to be my bridesmaid was that I wouldn’t want the other two to feel like they weren’t also equally important to me or left out. And that even though I couldn’t have them as a part of my party, that they would still be a part of the celebration.
    • Reply
  • Sam
    Sam ·
    • Flag
    I don’t have hurt feelings about not being chosen. Honestly her mother is a nightmare with things like this, I’m glad I don’t have to be too involved in that way as much as I love her haha
    I can’t wait to go to her wedding and be there for her. We’re still very close friends, this obviously isn’t that big a deal. I was just interested in what other people thought. Because personally I prefer everything being out in the open and honest. If she had come to me very casually and just said I’ve picked my bridesmaids and I’ve asked “blah blah”. I just want you to know that I still want you a part of everything.


    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle Online ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    This. No one is under obligation to pick anyone or explain why.
    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I would feel the exact opposite- I would find it suuuuper awkward if one of my close friends said that to me. I don’t see why anyone would go out of their way to tell someone they weren’t chosen to be in their wedding. Obviously if you weren’t asked, then you already know you haven’t been chosen. And who was chosen shouldn’t be anyone else’s business/concern. It doesn’t sound like she was being sneaky or secretive or hiding info... she was simply being polite and following basic social etiquette 🤷🏼‍♀️
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    And if, after doing you and maybe someone else this courtesy ( the other people not always the same friend group) she only then goes on to actually ask the people involved, and 1 or 2 cannot do it, does bride then get back to you and say, well 2 that I asked can't do it, so now I am going to see if Mary and my cousin Jean will do it. And she asks them and one says yes, and the other says her family has a conflict. So does she then get back to you to tell you one of the people is not going to do it. And she is not asking anyone else, because no one else is as close a friend. Would you be all that comforted to have her tell you, ask people, tell you others, ask them, and then bypass you for no one ? Cause you are not special enough? Wow, now you can be bypasses 3 times not one. It would be torture. ... Something you seem to overlook: if she is going to hope friends will do ot, doesn't she owe it to each of those froends to talk with them privately , First, before telling any other friends? Why do uour feeling come before all of them?
    Are you going to want to know why they said no? It is endless. And comes down to the custom in this country, that you deal with people directly, not going through a list of steps and permissions from your friends and family for everything
    If you would like someone to be your bridesmaid, you deal with them first, privately, no intermediaries. Other friends have no place in this, including close friends, or family. You say you want everything out, open and honest. But if your friend came to you first, she would be open to you. But going behind the backs of 3 other people. The ones she os asking. Not open and honest. You are asking she put you first.
    • Reply
  • Chantelle
    Devoted October 2021
    Chantelle ·
    • Flag
    You keep saying if it were me I would want it to be open, but she’s not you. lol so just let it go. She’s not wrong for doing what is comfortable for her. Just like it wouldn’t be wrong if you wanted to tell people they’re not a bridesmaid, but still special and still invited to everything. You can’t hold people to things that you would do. Anything you would do is up to you. People will do what they do.
    • Reply
  • Shelly
    Rockstar January 2022
    Shelly ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Agreeed.

    Everyone has their own way of doing things that feels comfortable to them. Just because you would've told her and explained to her the situation if you were the bride, doesn't mean she's wrong for not doing the same to you. I don't see this as her being secretive at all. She more than likely was following social etiquette, and also might not feel comfortable explaining that with you. Yes your feelings are hurt, but I wouldn't take this negatively or think that she's been hiding something from you. Don't let a little thing like this mess up the dynamic of your friendship.

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics