Letting friend know about bridesmaids

This is a topic that could go either way - a "know your crowd" thing. OP, I TOTALLY get what you're saying. I've seen this done both ways, and it totally depends on the two people involved as to how it goes. Personally, I think it would have been a really classy move for the bride to call you and say "hey, i asked so-and-so to be a bridesmaid, and i just wanted to let you know so you didn't find out from someone else or think i'm trying to make this a secretive thing. I am so excited to dance and celebrate with you at the wedding, and i really value our friendship." Bam, done! No miscommunications, no secrets, everything's upfront and transparent, and there's an opportunity to clear anything up before the video chats and girls trips get awkward because some people think it was supposed to be a secret and some people aren't sure if the others know, ya know?

The problem here is that not everyone handles it this way.....either they think it'll do more harm than good.....or they're nervous about it.....or think it'll be awkward....or whatever.....so instead they do nothing (and kinda roll the dice). The bride obviously doesn't owe anyone an explanation as to who she chose and why (and i think there may be some misunderstandings about that in this thread).....BUT what I am saying (and what i think you are saying) is that it would have been a really good thing (in this case) for the bride to put it out in the open and let everyone know (so you're not left wondering why she didn't communicate it). You're obviously not wanting to dispute her decision about her bridesmaids....you just (if I'm understanding well) wish that your good friend would have communicated with you directly about this topic, instead of you finding out indirectly.

I think it would be weirder for her to go out of her way to tell you that you are NOT a bridesmaid.

I guess I can see where you’re coming from just because it would kind of show sensitivity towards you and that other friend. But like everyone else has said she doesn’t have to. Most of the time people don’t tell other people why they weren’t chosen ya know? It’s standard to just only tell the people that are chosen versus telling the people why they weren’t chosen

View Quoted Comment

Everyone's points still hold. We get it. It's still rude to sit someone down and say "you're not in my wedding party and this is why." You, individually, can wish she did so, but it doesn't make her wrong for not doing so.

View Quoted Comment Oh no you have my story all wrong. I am saying after she has worked it out and obviously spoken to her chosen bridesmaids, to then chat to me about it at some point when we are catching up on wedding/life stuff. that would be very odd to do what you have explained in your response.

View Quoted Comment Yes you are 100% on the money! So many people misinterpreting what I have written. Like you said everyone deals with things differently and maybe my friend didn’t want to have that conversation and feel that she was letting us down. But Had the shoe been on the other foot I would have let them know and been open, and said you know if I could I would have had all of you, but I’m so excited to have you there and apart of everything with me every step of the way

View Quoted Comment Sorry if I misunderstood. You said in more than one post it was distressing to find out from someone else. And the only way to guarantee you find out from bride first, would be for her to tell you her intent before she asks them. Otherwise, no guarantee the person involved did not text 8 people in 5 minutes, before the bride got back to all the " not chosen but expect to hear first from bride." This time it was 1 person. But often it is 3-5 chosen and 4-6 sisters friends and cousins who might all have thought they come before a friend of a year. Either the bride asks them first, and you may well find out from them . Or the bride tells those not chosen first, so they hear from her first. You want to have heard it from her first, bit for her to talk to them first, and no guaranties.
🙂 Meanwhile, having been here once, now you know how it works usually. People only talk to the ones they plan to choose. If you feel insecure when a good friend does something with others and you are not invited, make an overture to do something together without the group. Even something like a long phone conversation, but better doing something live. Or send a card or letter, saying you are excited the wedding party has been chosen, or the partner to compete in a tournament, whatever the choice was. Make it conversational and newsy, and likely the friend will call or write back, amd you will be reassured. But don't put the responsibility back on the one making decisions, to go back to those not chosen. It is a burden, and it starts fights, that stem from temporary fits of insecurity or jealousy. And frankly, for adults ( not kids) you are responsible for dealing with things. Other people cannot always worry about you. 🤗 Right after I became engaged, my second wedding, my grandmother came to me. Two of my first cousins, who lived close enough to be in the same schools, heard I chose some people they never met or heard of. They assumed I chose sisters, and them. I was a couple hours drive away. They should have called or written their feelings. But should I have first gone to my 4 sisters, then to my 8 female first cousins on the other side of my family, then the 26 on her side ( all these cousins within 5 years and living close? Explaining to those not chosen? These 2 thought because all the time OI was away, school, work, military, I wrote 2-3 times a month and called, they were closest. Not knowing more than 20 family and 10 friends, I communicated with that way. But only these 2, as far as I know, were upset. They built up other expectations.