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Candi
Super October 2023

It's us or her! So beyond furious. sil from hell!

Candi, on February 6, 2019 at 12:32 AM

Posted in Family and Relationships 65

My sister in law who was at our wedding and now lives in the house we were married in is so selfish. We have had a difficult relationship from the start due to her need to be in charge. She was married the January prior to our wedding and we dressed formally for it and were respectful. Hubby walked...

My sister in law who was at our wedding and now lives in the house we were married in is so selfish. We have had a difficult relationship from the start due to her need to be in charge. She was married the January prior to our wedding and we dressed formally for it and were respectful. Hubby walked her down the isle. We called everyone a few months later to share our engagement and they 5 weeks before the wedding posted about getting the license. I was customarily cussed out for not telling her so she could come. She showed up to the wedding in a pair of men's basketball shorts and a tank that was semi dressy. She questioned me about my panties and even changed all the arrangements while I was getting ready. Yesterday she got engaged to her girlfriend of a few weeks. Posted pics online and announced publicly. Never called or sent a text to us or even mentioned that she was dating another new girl. (She was married and divorced the year we were married.) This is her 3rd engagement in 3 years. Tonight she messaged my husband to inform him she is getting married to this girl on our Friday September 13th, 2019. As in our anniversary and our renewal date. She laughed and said oh well about our plans. Her mother favors her over my husband and so I feel like the family will side with her though it will probably not be her last wedding as she doesn't settle down well. I am wondering do I cancel, reschedule, or tell family to pick? I have about 3 weeks to decide.

65 Comments

  • Hannah
    Dedicated September 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I agree 100%. My FSIL was petty too and announced that they had “finally” set a wedding date the day after we got engaged and announced. My FH and I are graduating college in May and have known the date for a few months and she tried to set her wedding day as the day of graduation. We just took the high road and decided not to feed into it because it did nothing but stir the pot. Ultimately she moved the date, but everything since has been a “competition”. I’m just excited that I get to marry my best friend and the wedding drama isn’t worth making this an unpleasant experience.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    I must be obtuse, but I do not see the major problem here. You already had a wedding. I never heard of anyone avoiding scheduling their wedding on someone else's 6th anniversary. Or any anniversary. When you have had your wedding you do not get the date forever. Anniversary parties or renewals may be important to the couple, but it is up to the people invited to conflicting events to decode which to attend. It is not usual to have family fights. And most people don't make a big deal of either someone's renewal ( a minor event than a wedding) or a third wedding. If the woman SIL is marrying has never married before, or married once, most of the wedding attendees will likely be her future wife's family, and their mutual friends. Instead of fighting this out, both show a little class, hold your events when each of you wants, and leave it up to the guests. If I was choosing between a sixth anniversary renewal, a reenactment for very few years married, nothing like a wedding in importance, And the third wedding in a short time span, which in itself says no big deal, I would be likely to miss both of them because a random friend was having an actual wedding for the first time, or if I had asked for 2 weeks off work because I wanted to go camping, go to a best friend's baby shower, or something more important than either of the events you folks are fighting over the date for. And expecting someone to reserve a date for something announced on social media is totally ridiculous. Stop fighting, each do your own thing. It is really not classy to fight over guests to a minor event, like kids who both want all the toys , instead of playing with one and letting the other kid play with one too. If I knew potential hostesses were fighting over a date, I would not go to either. Who wants to celebrate anything with people who behave like that?
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  • Bluey8616f
    Devoted August 2018
    Bluey8616f ·
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    If that was me I would proceed with my own plans. She did that on purpose and will probably treat you like crap whether you are there or not.

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  • maryann
    Expert June 2019
    maryann ·
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    Man, I wouldn't be canceling anything. At this point you and your husband have each other and if it needs to yall against the world (family) then so be it. That is yall special day and if she wants to jump on the wagon then she would have to do it without us. Why should you have to rearrange your special day cause she is clearly jealous and being spiteful. I would wish her well from a distance. You married him not her. But just to clarify you better than me cause she wouldn't have been at my wedding in no damn basketball shorts. I don't give a crap how formal the top was.... That's just disrespect and Hubby should have addressed that also.

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  • maryann
    Expert June 2019
    maryann ·
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    What you should never do is let what other people are saying or doing effect your forever. You married your best friend, your lover for him not his family. And of course no one wants to have the in laws from hell trust me ( I got them also), but what I am not going to do is let them push me to the point I am questioning if I wanna be with FH anymore. I think you need to sit down and talk to hubby and let him know how all of this is really making you feel. I wouldn't cancel any plans that you already have. Yes it may be your 6 years anniversary and not the actual wedding but you have a right to be just as excited as if it was the wedding day. You don't have to ask family to choose they are going to go where they feel comfortable and if they choose her event over yours don't be mad everyone that shows up to yours is exactly who is suppose to be there. Easier said than done, but talk to the husband..... But don't give up on him if you really love him. Good luck

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  • MIWM
    VIP June 2019
    MIWM ·
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    This sounds like she is a spiteful person. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do have some concerns about my future sister in law. To me it seems like she always has to have all the attention on her. When my future sis in law became engaged she dragged her feet for about a year in a half and did not have a wedding date set. When she found out my fiancé and I were getting engaged she quickly threw together a wedding because she was afraid that we were going to get married before her. Fast forward to now she is pregnant and the baby is supposed to come sometime after our wedding. I cannot help to think that she did this on purpose.

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  • Candi
    Super October 2023
    Candi ·
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    Our wedding was rushed just a few months after we got engaged because their grandmother was passing. We had 3 weeks to put together what we could and invite a few friends. I cooked all the food and everything. We decided to have a renewal for just that reason to have what we wanted from the start. She knows how I feel and also knows that because he has shared most of his birthdays with her and his mom because they are all in 6 days this would upset him even more. I based our original date on him.

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  • Elisabeth
    Savvy October 2019
    Elisabeth ·
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    I'm so sorry Smiley sad She sounds like she just wants to cause drama and get attention. If she sends invites, I would politely RSVP not attending and leave it at that. She knows why. If she doesn't send invites, which it sounds like she won't, then just don't go and forget about it. Have a wonderful time with your hubby. Don't make it seem like an us versus them with the family. Just say, we understand if you want to attend her wedding. Best of luck and hopefully there won't be too much drama!

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  • N
    Expert August 2019
    N ·
    • Flag
    Tell her to go sit and spin on a cactus while you enjoy your day
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  • maryann
    Expert June 2019
    maryann ·
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    See now it makes even more sense now. You never got to have your wedding so this is it for you. I seriously think you need to sit down and speak with him. I mean has he said anything about the sister getting married the same day yall are getting married on? Just talk to him and maybe come from a point of wanting to understand and get clarity vs coming at him like your mad ( even though you are and you have a right to be)... Sometime we have to find a different approach so we can see where their mind and though process is that way we can better understand what they are thinking.

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  • S
    Devoted April 2021
    Soon2BMrsR ·
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    Your SIL is a textbook narcissist, she might even be a sociopath. This is someone you want as far away from you as possible. The closer she draws, the more chaos she will bring into your life and when it all blows up in her face she will find a way to blame you for it. There is no winning with a person like this, all you can do is cut her out of your life like a canker on a tree--cut your losses and move on.

    I would try to visit in person with every single person who you plan to invite to your event. See if you can preempt those who have not heard the news. As for the rest, let the chips fall where they may. You should not feel bad about going ahead with your event--it was scheduled ahead of time. If anything it will show you who you really want to keep in your lives, and who doesn't belong there.

    Let's be honest, it's wedding number 3 in how many years? Aren't people tired of having to get her a gifts? You're probably not asking your guests for anything--one of the things you want to mention when you talk to your people.

    And when she complains about how you stole her thunder because she will, tell her if it's that important, she and her intended can have fun a drive-thru wedding chapel in Vegas and to give your warmest regards to Elvis, who will probably officiate Smiley smile

    Then block her on all social media and on your phone--return all mail unopened. TOTAL BLACKOUT. When she see's she can no longer cause drama in your life, she will hopefully move on.

    Best of luck to you. My soon to be 96 year-old grandmother is also a narcissist. She feigns dementia when it suits her, as she also feigns deafness, and has my 73 year-old mom and my 78 year-old dad in a constant state of stress. My dad has stopped being active around the house because of her; he just stays in the bedroom all day and only comes out to eat. He's lost muscle mass, and with the rains we've been having we sprung a leak in the roof. My dad went up to patch the roof while my mom and I were having some girl time together. When we came home we found out he had a mishap coming down the ladder(I offered to help, but he decided to do it himself because he's old-fashioned and to him it's a "man thing,") and I had to drive him to the emergency room to find out he broke his hand. I have put my grandma on notice as co-owner of my family's home that if anything horrible befalls either of my parents because of her nastiness, I'll have her evicted and she can decide where to live. There's no law that says she has to stay under our roof. We are all taking care of her because it's the "decent" thing to do, but gratitude is not a word in her vocabulary.

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  • A
    Savvy February 2022
    Alina ·
    • Flag
    I would talk to her seriously and her girlfriend with your husband. Ask them to change the date so you can attend her wedding!
    Most likely they wont listen, but asking them might change. Maybe even bring a gift so they will be more lenient to you. Her girlfriend might not even know the whole, TRUE picture.
    If they say no, go talk to all the friends and family. See what they say and ask them straight up what wedding they would go to. It's hard for them also.

    If it's a mix (some say they will go to hers and others to yours), I would screw it, go on a vacation, and re-new the vows there on that day.

    IF you can't go about changing the date or without having some people with you, I would do a double wedding with her. Shove your perfect marraige in her face and maybe she will back off. Tell everyone that you will get married with her and she will get scared. Imagine the Pastor saying, "This couple has been together for 6 years! What an example! And this young couple.... Well, we hope it will last, not like the past."😂😂 If she's for it and you, do it!

    If not, I guess your 3 options are:
    1) Wait another year.
    2) Have people decide on what wedding they will go to.
    3) Let her get married in the morning and you in the evening or you in the morning and she in the evening. Two weddings that your guests will visit.

    Not sure what best thing will suit you but like I said before, ask her first and then go down this list. If you don't try your EXTREME best to sort this out politely, you might regret this. And if it comes down to choice 2, don't sweat it!! Like someone said already, who will be at your wedding needs to be there. Who won't, oh well.

    I'll pray for you! Blessings!☺💛
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    What you do not say here (and may not know), is that her future wife has family and friends who may have conflicts with other dates, and if it is her first wedding, or second, they may be the ones they planned around. My husband and his closest friend each wanted the other for best man, but over the same weekend, set the date immediately with the women they had just proposed to. One dating a woman 1.5 hours west of Boston, 1 dating NH woman, while the guys were in Boston college and grad programs. So, we did get married, 18 mikes apart, same day. But we worked around my sister, brother, second cousin, and grandmother weddings in one year, and 4 college graduations, on my side, and 2 brothers and 1st cousin wedding, 2 baptisms, FI own graduation, and family visiting from Italy for a month for FI, and from Greenland for me. We would not change. And the other couple, where FI's best man choice married same day, was hemmed in by 3 family weddings, a birth of twin sisters for bride, and bride and groom May and August own graduations. . . It is easy to say, SIL should have known this sixth anniversary renewal was important to us. And set another date. But that totally ignores the possible wishes of SIL bride, who may have really wanted that date. And, regardless of what she wore, she was at your actual wedding, and so were others. It would be hard for her to tell her bride, I know this date is when you and your people want the wedding. But because my brother and wife had a real wedding, but did not have as big a party as they wanted, they are doing a sixth anniversary bash and want us to change the real wedding date you and I want. . . If I were her bride, I would hit the roof if asked to accommodate my (only) actual wedding, for a renewal party on a 6th anniversary. The fact that you rushed and did not get as big a party as you wanted, means nothing to her, just that you are six years married. And SIL who already saw you and her brother married, would be in a bad place asking her bride to make the change. Candi, , the functions being on the same day may be her consideration of her future wife, not in any way to spite you. It seems you two do not like each other to begin with, less reason for her and wife to change. And very few guests are affected. So try to be gracious, and let the few guests who care about your renewal, and her 3rd wedding, make their choices without all this resentment and drama. You had your wedding and have been married 6 years. The fact that you care most about your big arty is not more important than her wedding. Let it go, cut the drama, and focus on the good things with your family, and your and FI's friends who will have no conflict. You are the cause of your drama, by not being willing to admit someone else has as much right to feel strongly about their date, SIL and her bride, as you do. Lots of people do not celebrate anniversaries on the exact date. So if you want events not to conflict, change yours. Or just let things be. But it is hard to be sympathetic to you when you completely disregard the feelings of your SIL bride, as being less important than yours about your renewal. That sounds pretty selfish. So just say to yourself, SIL and her bride's date, is as important to them, as our date is to us. Truce. Let guests decide.
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  • Cynthia's and Robert  Wedding Day
    VIP September 2020
    Cynthia's and Robert Wedding Day ·
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    I love your response to the op it so sad but sometimes we have to be nicety (btwn nice and nasty ) and give them a taste of their own medicine. My fiance always tell me don't let negative people/situations rent space in my head. I realized he was correct because at the point that negative person would be controlling not only their life but also mine. OP I always use this quote on WW dont let anyone steal your wedding joy. (renewal) sending positive vibes.
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  • Candi
    Super October 2023
    Candi ·
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    This gf may or may not last as they are less than a month into dating. We shall see. The gf is not interested in meeting my husband, myself or our children. I do not fathom she is concern by anything to do with us either. She chose our date because it is the soonest Friday the 13t and thinks it would be cool. No matter which way it all ends up I find myself luckily married to my friend of 32 years and will not attend family functions with thoughtless selfish impulsive and insulting people anymore. My husband agrees.

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  • Candi
    Super October 2023
    Candi ·
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    If we decided to wait it would be another 6 years because that is how often our exact date happens. I'll still be married then and I suppose that could work. At her current rate she may be divorcing or married several times by then and want to celebrate the divorce that day. Whatever she does is her problem though because I quit. We are going to decide together and she has no part of what we choose.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    The absolute best and most functional thing you can do is just separate yourself and your day, from her and her wedding plans. Just because you are married to her relative does not mean you need to love her, or have much to do with her. And letting all this go by and not upset yourself any more is the best thing. Down the road, your husband can do what he wants. But for now, breaking off from SIL is by far the best thing to do.
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  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    ! DO NOT CANCEL!
    Tell her that she is welcome IF she can act and dress appropriately. Otherwise thank her for makin your guest list smaller.

    But do not, and I mean this, let her win. If she does, again, she will NEVER stop doing this. Be the bad guy and or Hubby too, PT your foot down and say “No more will we allow this disrespectful behavior to continue in our lives”.
    And talk to Hubbies family and ask them to be at your event, prior planned to hers, as it would make HUBBY and you feel loved and happy. Play on the sympathies and or guilt. But do NOT tell them( he can if he wants) to choose or how he feels about them and her, or that she did it out of spite and this won’t be the last.

    And am am I correct she Lives with you?? If so I’d seriously consider her, or you guys, finding another arrangement. That is NOT healthy for long.
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  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    Love the “You better than me cause she wouldn’t have been at my wedding in no damn basketball shorts.” And hubby should’ve corrected it lines!!! Omg! That!!!
    • Reply
  • A
    Savvy February 2022
    Alina ·
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    You are right, she shouldn't be part of your relationship. Shd shouldn't have to be the one deciding. Screw it, just do the wedding on your exact wedding day! If I were in your spot, I would have been heartbroken. Do the wedding and don't care who arrives.
    What I would do right now is send out wedding invitations so automatically you chose the date "first" and you saved it "first." Also, in the invite you can write something like:
    "On Friday, September 13th, 2013 *Husbands name and your name* celebrated their love in marraige! In honor of our 6th year anniversary, please help us celebrate on Friday, September 13th, 3019 in *reception* at *time*. "
    If you send this out, or somethinglike that, to your guests they will understand why you have this specific date.
    I don't know on what you will decide on but my prayers go out to you!!❤❤ Stay strong and don't give up. You deserve that wedding!!!!
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