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Sc
Dedicated June 2018

It happened: removing a bridesmaid

Sc, on February 18, 2018 at 5:39 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 45
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So I had 3 bridesmaids and 1 maid of honor. I asked all of them by September so they would have plenty of time to make arrangements as theee are out of state. I picked out the more dresses on Jan 3rd and sent all of the information. One voiced her concern about paying for the dress and I told her I would pay whatever difference she needed. I am covering lodging for bridesmaids the night before and told her our venue has rooms included and she could have one on the night of if she needed. Well she finally went to get her dress this weekend-which is ridiculous because without rush ordering it would get here a week before the wedding. She texted me-not a phone call-and says she is sorry but the dress shop said with alterations and everything the dress would be too expensive and she needs that money for her children. I completely understand and responded asking what I can do to help. No response, nothing. I intended to give her time but her silence has really, really hurt me and I’ve interpreted it as she no longer wants to be a part of my wedding. I haven’t said anything to her yet because I don’t know what to say. And I’m strongly considering not even inviting her to the wedding because it would cost just as much for her to travel 3 hours as a guest as it would to practically be in my wedding. I need advice on how to handle this.

45 Comments

Latest activity by Emely, on January 21, 2020 at 1:55 PM
  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
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    Why didn’t you ask them all for a budget before looking at dresses? If you don’t invite her to the wedding, prepare for her to not be your friend anymore.
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  • Kaye
    VIP October 2018
    Kaye ·
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    She voiced twice she wasn't able to afford it. You graciously allow her to bow out. And then you invite her to the wedding as a guest because you are a nice person. If she was close enough you to be a bridesmaid, you treat her with respect and love.
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  • C
    Savvy October 2019
    Cortney ·
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    I think you're right, she doesn't want to me a bridesmaid. I wouldn't uninvite her, but if she leaves the wedding party by choice and just becomes a guest, don't help her pay for any travel or accommodations- any offer you've made tp help her pay was when she was doing something for you and being your bridesmaid.
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  • Sc
    Dedicated June 2018
    Sc ·
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    No, I did ask for budgets and offered to pay the difference between the dress I chose and her budget. Why is that something I did wrong?
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  • Kaye
    VIP October 2018
    Kaye ·
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    Admitting you can't afford something is hard and sometimes humiliating.
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  • Danielle
    Dedicated March 2020
    Danielle ·
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    Call her andtalk to her. See whatshe wants to do. If you're doing all you can to include her, but she's not trying herself, I would invite her as a guest. Its your wedding.
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  • CeeCee
    Dedicated September 2018
    CeeCee ·
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    I would let her know you understand the financial strain. Tell her she does not have to fulfill any further expected commitments as a BM and still allow her to attend the wedding as a guest. Let her choose to decline. Otherwise it just makes you seem petty to tell her she's no longer even invited to the wedding.
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  • Future Mrsclark031420
    Devoted March 2020
    Future Mrsclark031420 ·
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    Just let her bow out as a bridesmaid. Asking for help is hard for people. Maybe shoot her a text or a phone call saying that you understand and would like for her to attend as a guest instead. Either way you would want her there on your special day.
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  • Sc
    Dedicated June 2018
    Sc ·
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    Thanks Danielle! I really feel like I’ve extended every single way to help her. I know it wasn’t easy for her to tell me either but I genuinely care about her and our friendship.
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  • Sc
    Dedicated June 2018
    Sc ·
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    Thank you Ceecee!
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  • HowCo Industries
    VIP September 2018
    HowCo Industries ·
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    This is a lovely answer.
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  • Sc
    Dedicated June 2018
    Sc ·
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    I’m not sure where I said I didn’t ask for budgets. I did. And communicated TWO times I would pay for what she could not. I have offered every solution. I asked for advice on how to move forward without losing a friendship. Her coming to the wedding as a guest will be no less expensive because she will now be responsible for her own food and lodging. Let me State one more time for those in the back: budgets were asked for.
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  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
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    But you didn’t actually take budgets into consideration when choosing a dress. You ignored her budget and just expected her to feel comfortable with you paying the rest. I would never feel comfortable with someone else paying for part of my attire to be in their wedding.
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  • Kaye
    VIP October 2018
    Kaye ·
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    You definitely tried to be kind and accommodating. But for some people accepting help is really hard. If I had a super tight budget, I would drive to the wedding and home in one day and eat very lightly on the road. She hopefully will still come to the wedding.
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  • Denise
    Expert June 2018
    Denise ·
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    UO, but I think you did the best you could. Shoot, you offered way more than I offered my bridesmaids. I took into consideration more what type of dresses my girls felt comfortable in rather than the price and all of them were willing to pay. I wouldn't have offered to pay part of their dress for them so like I said, you offered more than I would have. I do not think you uninviting her is a good idea though... She's your friend. Close enough for you to make her a bridesmaid. Just reach out and ask if maybe she'd like to be a guest instead and you also understand if she can't make it. Be humble and let her know you love her no matter what and that her family comes first so you understand. That's what I would do.
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  • Sc
    Dedicated June 2018
    Sc ·
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    Yeah I picked a dress that was within budget. Her budget. All of the budgets. Almost two months ago. Now, with a $40 rush order and alterations it is too expensive. I didn’t ignore anyone’s budget. She waited almost two months to order the dress. I would have paid for her whole dress if it was out of budget no questions asked. But seriously, I asked for advice on how to move forward. I really don’t need to be accused of ignoring my friends because that’s not what happened. I asked her in September. I asked people what they were comfortable spending. I picked a dress with enough time to order and arrive that was within budget.
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  • Sc
    Dedicated June 2018
    Sc ·
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    I didn’t go over her budget. She waited until she had to pay extra fees to rush order a dress. The price she gave me was also $100 more than the price my other bridesmaid paid-I was with her when she paid for her dress so I really don’t know where the $100 difference is coming from.
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  • Heather
    Super April 2019
    Heather ·
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    You stated she’s a parent. Odds are she waited to order because she had to purchase Christmas first. If she’s important enough to be a bridesmaid she’s obviously special to you. She’s also probably super embarrassed and doesn’t want to or know how to bring up the money. Call her offer to either purchase the dress for her or ask her if she would rather come as a dress.
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  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
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    “No, I did ask for budgets and offered to pay the difference between the dress I chose and her budget. Why is that something I did wrong?”

    This is exactly what you said, which makes it sound like you chose a dress outside of her budget.
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  • M
    Super October 2018
    MaltedMilk ·
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    I wonder if she is embarrassed by the offer: I would be, even as a professional earning my own money (which I assume we all do on WW) to accept an offer of having the bride pay the difference of the dress.

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