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Just Said Yes October 2021

Is a lap dance at the bachelor party cheating?

Megan, on September 2, 2021 at 5:13 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 30
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I recently told my fiancé that I plan to check out a strip club before we get married, just for kicks and giggles. He wasn't too happy. But i told him he could check one out too. So his friends were excited that they could take him to one. I told him, just look, don't touch. So when I see him on Sunday, he tells me they ended up going the night before. I was cool with it, obviously, since I already planned to go one. We both are religious and have stayed away from that scene, but I figured no harm in just checking one out now. Anyways, I'm cool with it. And then I ask if he got a lap dance. He can hardly look at me and says yes. I'm horrified, jealous, hurt, furious. Lots of emotions are coursing through me. I told him that was deliberately going against my boundaries. He said by that point, he was kind of drunk and wasn't thinking that it wasn't against my boundaries. His friends took him, and he was curious. They bought him one lap dance. I still feel crushed. I was cheated on in my last relationship and I will not stay in relationship where I have been cheated on. I can't decide if it was cheating or not so I wanted to ask others thoughts. .I mean this man is great. He has been there for me through my anxiety attacks, calling him at 3 am when I have anxiety and when he has to get up early. He has come over to my house at 2 am when I was still kind of with my ex, again when he had to be up early for work the next day. He has treated me wonderfully, is always honest and loves me with all of his heart. I don't want to give up this man, but I also don't want to stay with a man who was unfaithful. ..he feels horrible. He brought me flowers, chocolate, and Starbucks the other day as an apology. He also said he will go and talk about this with me at my next therapist appointment. I guess I just want to be told that I would be crazy to leave this man who I'm supposed to marry next month. But I'm afraid the response will be to leave him since a topless woman did a dance and gave him a few seconds lap dance.



30 Comments

Latest activity by Shadia, on September 12, 2021 at 12:07 AM
  • C
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
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    I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt. He was uncomfortable with the thought you you going to a strip club. You then encouraged him to go to one. Without knowing the full conversation, it doesn’t sound like very firm boundaries were set. Even going without telling you ahead of time. I would suggest counseling to get on the same page. It sounds like he was out of his element and behaved that way.
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  • M
    Just Said Yes October 2021
    Megan ·
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    Thank you!
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  • S
    Dedicated October 2021
    Stephanie ·
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    I agree to talk to your therapist together. I wouldn’t consider one lap dance during a guys night cheating. He didn’t ask for it/pay for it, and if he was drunk, the scope of the boundaries you agreed on might have become a little muddy (I agree with the earlier commentator that with what you’ve described, the boundaries were not that clear).


    If he’s as great as you describe, it probably would be a waste to dump him if this is the only thing that happened. That said, cheating/jealousy is a powerful thing, and hopefully a therapist can help talk you through things before the wedding.
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  • E
    Dedicated October 2021
    Elise ·
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    I’ll start with the caveat that only you know your relationship and what you feel in your gut. BUT, I think it would probably be crazy to even consider leaving him. As someone who has enjoyed going to a strip club occasionally, I think you should follow through with your plan and go. They are fun and sexy, but also kinda gross and you can usually tell that this is a ‘job’ for the women - the same way as when a cashier is nice to you at the grocery store. Add in that his friends bought him the dance and were standing there watching and probably teasing him the whole time. Getting roped into a lap dance as the bachelor is pretty common because the strippers know that friends will often get carried away and spend a lot more than they might otherwise - hence the women earn more. (And I know guys whose friends paid to get them beat with their own belt by the stripper! Guys can do some weird things when drinking in a group.)
    Your FH wasn’t trying to be sneaky and he was honest when you asked - I think that’s the sign of a solid and mature relationship. Best of luck!
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    I'm sorry you feel this way. You are entitled to your feelings.


    You kind of set him up for this one. He didn't want to go. He didn't want you to go. You told him to go so he went. He's the bachelor of a bachelor party. It's reasonable to assume his buddies would buy him a lapdance. At that point, his options would be to walk away and thus spoiling the mood or just sit there. When you say look but don't touch, does that mean don't be touched as well? It's a murky boundary. Maybe a reasonable person should have inferred no lapdances.
    He clearly feels guilty. He should have walked away, but I don't feel that the level of your indignation is justified because you're almost complicit, for lack of a better term. You let him go because you want to go yourself. You're not a completely "innocent" wronged party who told him not to go, but if he's going to go anyway, no lapdances.
    When you go to a strip club, your girlfriends will probably buy you a lapdance as a joke. FYI
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  • Samantha
    Expert December 2021
    Samantha ·
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    As someone who has been cheated on I understand where you're coming from. However, you kind of set him up for failure. Definitely talk to your therapist TOGETHER, but don't call off your wedding for this. You're 100% justified in your feelings. I even asked my groom what his thoughts were on this and he said your groom may have went along with his friends, alcohol took over, and it went out of his control BUT HE DIDNT CHEAT. Did the stripper give him a blow job? Did he have sex with her or participate in any inappropriate touching? Sure, he got drunk and got a lap dance, but he was honest about it and apologized for what happened. Flowers and gifts don't make up for or change anything, but he's trying. Extend the olive branch back and ask yourself if you truly love him and if this is something you can move on from.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Since you say neither of you has ever really done this I’m going to add to what everyone is saying and say that in every strip club I’ve ever been in, customers that were getting married got A LOT of attention so I wouldn’t be surprised if a lap dance is also offered to you when you go. Only you and your FH can decide what counts as boundaries in your relationship, but I don’t think you can hold boundaries you’re not setting against him if you didn’t communicate them clearly beforehand. Especially since it sounds like he didn’t even want to do this and you told him to go because you didn’t like that he was telling you not to go.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Everything you describe tells me that you two have some work to do with learning to communicate effectively with each other. Only you can decide if you can forgive your feelings of betrayal, and I am not going to weigh in on that. But if you decide to stay with him (which your last two sentences seem to indicate that you want to), you both need to commit to communicating your own needs and listening to your partner better. Couples counseling would be a good idea.

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  • Rebelle Fleur
    Master July 2021
    Rebelle Fleur ·
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    I don’t think this is cheating, and the fact that you can’t decide wether or not its cheating leads me
    Tot hunk your don’t really think it is either, you just don’t like the thought of your fiancé getting a lap dance.

    You brought up being cheated on in your last relationship and sometimes we hold on to the past and let it ruin our futures. It was just a lap dance, that you never really made it clear whether or not he should get, he was honest with you about it and to be honest the dancers are there to work and I’m sure he’s not building a secret shrine to her or anything of the sort.
    I would let it go and just establish firm rules for the future.
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Totally agree.


    And wait, what? You would have him come over at 2 am when you were still with another guy?
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  • ArizonaDreaming
    Devoted September 2021
    ArizonaDreaming ·
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    Hurt feelings are justifiable. You have every right to feel how you do. However, that needs to also be evaluated within yourself. If you are questioning your rationale, it might mean that you are wrong to some extent and should acknowledge this.

    1. You told your partner he could go into a place where women will be naked and dancing around. You encouraged this choice. You wanted to do it, so you gave the green light for him to go as well.

    2. To me, it is not cheating. He did not engage in any sexual actions with anyone or anything of the sort. Had he engaged in the act, then a line would have been crossed.

    Open communication, all levels need to be discussed prior to anyone going anywhere. I don't feel that occurred. I feel that a lap dance is okay, just like looking at pornography is not cheating. I am sure he got excited while there. It is natural human reaction to that sort of thing. I told my FH that if he wants to go to a strip club and get lap dances, he sure can. He would not be going all of the time. He isn't interested in going, so he won't be.

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  • C
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
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    Woah wait somehow I missed this?


    Therapy. Based on only the information provided here, it sounds like you’ve been manipulating this guy for a while… just let him go if you want to.
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    Wow I missed that part, too. You'd have him come over at 2 am when you were "kind of" still with your ex?? You have no standing to take a holier than thou position re cheating.
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  • M
    Just Said Yes October 2021
    Megan ·
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    I've been manipulating him? I've loved this man with all of my heart for 5 years . I mean yes, I realize I wasn't clear enough with my rules for the strip club, but no , hon, I do not manipulate him


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  • M
    Just Said Yes October 2021
    Megan ·
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    No. I wasn't with my ex anymore, but I had found for sure that he had cheated on me so my now fiancé came over to comfort because it was upsetting.
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  • M
    Just Said Yes October 2021
    Megan ·
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    Ok, let me explain and clarify. When I met my now fiancé he said he wasn't sure about dating me, because I was in a really bad place, but he would be my friend and be there for me. During this time of being friends, I received a text from my ex saying that he never cheated on me, and it was a huge mistake and to just hear me out. I always give people the benefit of the doubt so I went to just hear him out. We talked. Didn't kiss or anything. While we were talking , a woman showed up and confirmed they were seeing each other and had been while him and I were together. I left and saw him again. But I ended up calling now fiancé about how awful it was to find out for sure that I had been cheated on. So he came over and comforted me.
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  • C
    Super July 2020
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    Yeah, that’s manipulation. You were using him when and how it was convenient for you and your other breakup. Id take a few steps back. He wasn’t sure about dating you, you somehow convinced him to. Then you convinced him to go to a strip club only to get mad at him for going - again, when he wasn’t comfortable in the first place.
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  • mrswinteriscoming
    VIP December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    I agree with this.

    I don't think there is any fault on him in the circumstances (you encouraged the strip club visit, his friends bought him the lap dance etc) and I think this is something that you are slightly holding double standards on.

    Discuss it with the therapist and work together to move past it Smiley smile

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  • M
    Just Said Yes October 2021
    Megan ·
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    I can definitely be a hypocrite sometimes. And I can see how in this situation it could seem that way. But I most definitely have never used him. I've been in love with him for 5 years. I never once used him. I didn't make him decide to date me. At first he wanted to, then he thought i was in too bad of a place to date. .along the way he fell in love with me. So using on any parts.
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  • M
    Just Said Yes October 2021
    Megan ·
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    Also, no I didn't get mad at him for going. I told him to have fun, but don't touch. I figured most people know a lap dance is considered touching.
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