Not sure if this is the right forum to post on but here goes. My husband and I have been married for 1 yr now together for 10 yrs. Throughout our entire relationship there have been intimacy issues. Mostly on my part I guess. I am not really into sex that much. I have gone to a therapist both alone and with him and can't seem to improve my intimacy issues. I don't really want it or need it as much as my husband. I do it because I know that is what is done in a relationship and is supposed to make your love and bond stronger however I feel like it is more of a chore or job. I think the only time I feel somewhat comfortable and seem to enjoy it a little is when I am drinking/drunk.
This issue has caused many fights and anger in my relationship. My husband is very frustrated and angry. I try to get into sex but I feel like I am always just faking it or acting through the motions. I don't know how to make it better for us both. I am also a very insecure person and pretty shy unless I am drinking. I am most comfortable with sex being in the bedroom, at night, in the dark. Pretty basic and boring. We also don't have sex on a regular basis. Husband would like 3 times a week and I can barely get to 1 time a week. We are both later in age....41. Which doesn't make a difference to him. My sexual appetite has never been at his level. Now there is the added stress of talking about and when to start trying to get pregnant. I have alot of concerns with pregnancy from not being able to conceive due to my age and the added risk of a geriatric pregnancy for the baby and me. I also struggle with still wanting kids. I definitely did when I was younger but now at this age I don't know. I know my husband does and he is the only child of an only child and has the responsibility of carrying on his last name....so there is also pressure of having a boy. I guess advice I am looking for is if anyone else experiences issues with initiamcy, low to no sex drive, concerns about pregnancy etc. I have no idea what to do or if my marriage will survive. My husband was aware of my intimacy issues in the 8 yrs we dated before he proposed. We tried so many things to help from therapy to setting dates on the calendar to have sex. Nothing seemed to work and my husband is extremely frustrated and angry. He also does not feel attractive because I don't want to have sex. I tell him I am attracted to him but sex to him is the ultimate attraction and showing of appreciation. He has talked about getting satisfied by other ways(strip club) and even mentioned other women. I think both are a threat that has been used in the past and I would comply and give him sex and I would do a great acting job. But now I am having trouble and would rather him go to a strip club. I do love my husband. I just don't love or really enjoy sex. Anyone else out there like me? I can't be the only one. Makes me feel like a freak.
Highly recommend still seeing a counselor and start to work on some underlying issues (you being insecure) and read the book “the 5 love languages” by gary chapman....there are more than 1 way to show love
View Quoted Comment
I agree with this - and especially agree with the recommendation of the 5 Love Languages book! I recommend you and your fiance reading the book separately and discussing each chapter together. You'd be surprised at how much you can learn about each other by doing this.
Have you spoken to a medical doctor about this? You may have an underlying medical condition that is suppressing your sexual appetite. I do agree with others that counseling may continue to help with your self esteem and such. Also....do you have any history of sexual abuse or emotional/physical/etc abuse by a former intimate partner? You obviously do not need to answer these questions here, of course. But trauma from previous intimate partners can make intimacy difficult in the future. I also have found myself to be less interested in sex in the last 2 years of our relationship, but for me it is stress. When I am stressed (and I'm in grad school, so I'm always stressed), my sexual desire just plummets to zero. My husband is patient, but clearly frustrated (we both turned 30 this year). We have tried scheduling and have been relatively unsuccessful because we are both unfortunately so busy. So I don't really have an answer for you in terms of what can work. But I am in a similar boat!
You are NOT alone! I struggle with this as well, and my fiancé gets very frustrated. I’ve been to therapy because my issues are a result from things that have happened to me before he and I started dating. It’s a hard thing to get through because it’s expected that couples have sex and if you don’t feel comfortable then you shouldn’t be forced to do it. He chose to be with you despite knowing how you were in that aspect so he needs to take some responsibility as well since he knew what he was getting into. You are absolutely not a freak and it takes a lot more work than people who don’t experience it think. Keep working at it if it’s important to you, but I would also try to have a discussion with your husband about how you feel and maybe try to come to a happy medium where you both will feel comfortable. Some compromise will have to happen to benefit you both.
You need to first figure out who you are sexually. Figure out what triggers you. Try thinking of it as your newfound hobby. You won’t find this by just having sex with him to shut him up lol, you need to have alone time aka the ‘M’ word. Try to browse online sex shops. Explore toys and other options. Watch movies if you have to to get an idea. There are even sex toy subscription boxes. Start viewing yourself as sexy. Do you feel like you’re just too embarrassed now because you’ve not been into it for so long? If you do it’s okay little by little that will go away. Does he listen when you express needs to him while being intimate or do you just not say anything?
Unfortunately, it doesn't really sound like you guys are compatible as you have different sexual desires and goals. Have you tried seeing if there could be something medically wrong that sex doesn't interest you? Have you tried pleasuring yourself? Also, does your husband realize that you might not want children because I think that's something you honestly should've discussed with him before marriage? It wouldn't be fair for you to suddenly spring it on him that you might not want children if he has thought all along that you do. But it also wouldn't be fair for you to have children if you don't want. It sounds like you guys need to sit down and have a serious conversation to determine what each of you want. If it were me, I never would've entered into this marriage with such differences. He shouldn't have to basically force you into sex by threatening to get it else where and it also isn't fair to him for you to fake enjoying sex.
I’m really sorry to hear that and commend you for speaking about something that many women hide. I realize that some people might say that “sex isn’t everything”. But honestly, it’s HUGE when it comes to marriage. It’s the most intimate activity in a marital relationship. And that intimacy crosses over into so many other areas of the marriage. Without a good and healthy sex life, it’s my personal belief that a marriage will struggle, the couple will coexist due to love and being comfortable. But the individuals will gradually grow apart intimately and in other ways. Also, fidelity may become compromised after too long.
I’d love to give ideal advice like “Love is all we need. So your marriage will be fine without sex”. But that’s not realistic, and you’re already experiencing that firsthand with your husband’s frustration and anger. Let me add that I’m your age and this will my second marriage. So, this isn’t coming from an idealistic 20-something, first time bride. Interestingly enough, my EX-husband was very “vanilla” when it came to sex and not very into it. While I’m the total opposite!! So I understand your husband’s feelings. Like you, the sexual issue was present even before marriage. But, also, like you, I ignored it and figured it would be fine and possibly things would change after marriage. But.... NOPE! It just became more magnified (like ALL unaddressed issues that are present pre-marriage). It naturally affected other areas of our marriage. Although we loved one another, the relationship felt more like friends than an intimate married couple. It was horrible and not at all what I wanted in a husband/marriage. I suggested counseling and initially my EX said yes. But, days later changed his mind. It was at that point that I knew our sex life and marriage overall wouldn’t change if nothing changed, and I refused to live my future years like that. In the newlywed years, it’s easier to handle and brush off. But, as years go by, it will certainly chip away at your marriage. In my case, after 7 years of marriage (12 years together), I filed for divorce in 2013. I jokingky say that I now have the “cheat sheet” for relationships and marriage!!! But, all that to say that I truly hope you can find a solution before it negatively affects your marriage even more than it already has. Whether it’s counseling, seeing a medical doctor, hormone treatment or whatever, definitely do it for the sake of your marriage! Best wishes!!!
I highly recommend trying acupuncture ! I also struggle with a low sex drive I have a bladder condition that makes sex painful at times I try my hardest but sex to me is associated with pain so it’s hard for me to want to do it as much as my husband. Acupuncture has helped me so much and it also is suppose to help with low sex drive it may be something to look into if your interested. Regardless sex is not an entire relationship it’s part of it but there are so many other ways to be intimate with your partner. Hopefully you guys can work through it!
View Quoted Comment
Thank you for your response. The point of him knowing what he was getting into with me is what bothers me a great deal. In our 10 yrs together there has always been intimacy issues at least on my side. I have never really been too into it and he knew that when he proposed. I think he was hoping if he put a ring on my finger I was going to magically get a high or even normal sex drive. I will say that when we got engaged I did feel like having more sex a little bit more bc I was on that high of getting engaged. And then I fall back to low to no desire. It's just how I normay run. I have periods of normal sex drive and then decrease. I seem to be in the low to no drive alot more than normal. And all this he knew when he proposed. Now adding the extra stress of conceiving and being pregnant at my age. It's a bit too much. I don't know how to get out of it. Husband also doesn't want me to take it anymore either. He wants me to reach total satisfaction which I have never achieved with him. I can get there on my own, just not with him which is an issue. He wants to do everything to get me there and I told him I don't care if I do. I'm fine with him just getting there. I don't feel the need to have the orgasm even when I get myself there it is literally only a few times a month. When I say I don't think about sex I really don't. I just don't know what to do. Feel like my husband accepted me and now wants to change me and makes me wonder if he ever really accepted me.
View Quoted Comment
Thank you for your response. We have tried the toys but I am not very comfortable with them unless I am drunk or sufficiently buzzed. I am very shy and insecure. I don't like talking about sex. If a movie I am watching has a sex scene I would look away or change the channel. When I do "M" I watch porn to help me get there which usually takes about 10 mins and only happens a few times a year. I am fine with not orgasming during sex. I don't tell him what I like when I am sober bc of my shyness and insecurities even tho he encourages me to and wants to satisfy me. I am totally fine with what we are doing. I don't like going outside me comfort zone and I guess am a bit close minded and am def my own worst critic on myself. I just don't like change and doing stuff I am uncomfortable with. We have done some stuff I am not comfortable with but he enjoyed it so I faked my way through it which I know now was the worst thing to do bc now he thinks that was something I really enjoyed and I didn't. He also asks me to come up with different ideas for new things but I can't bc I don't want to try anything new. I am just a person who doesn't like sex that much. And he won't accept that. He said he doesn't feel fulfilled unless I fully enjoy it. I know I should be appreciative of that bc many women don't get that kind of thought or devotion but I just want it to be done and over and move on. He gets his satisfaction and I get no fighting. He is not the only person I felt this way with. It has been other bf as well.
I saw that you've made several posts about this issue. Honestly, it doesn't sound like anything is going to fix this issue since you have already tried everything people have suggested. Unless he is truly willing to accept your lack of desire for sex, then I don't see how this issue will be resolved. However, I can understand why he would want his wife to be interested in being intimate. If my husband, never wanted to have sex with me I would be very hurt. I think you both really need to consider if this is something you can live with and move on from or if this is just something you are never going to agree on. If it's something you are never going to agree on then I think there is a real possibility that this marriage isn't going to last.
View Quoted Comment
I am currently only on Ambien for insomnia and now starting taking prenatal vitamins to prepare for pregnancy due to my age. I also tried a new drug that is considered the female Viagra but didn't see a difference and also had some risky negative side effects so I stopped it after 3 months of no improvement. I feel have tried any meds to help. It's just how I am and my husband can't accept it and keeps telling it's not normal and no other women he knows or talked to feels this way which make me feel like a freak.
View Quoted Comment
So I guess it comes down to how much does it affect you to just fake it? Feeling like its a chore vs hating it is 2 very different things. Is faking it something you’re willing to do twice a week? You said you were okay with him going to a strip club but would you be okay with an open relationship. I also think its pretty important for you to tell him you’re second guessing children. If kids is something he wants the relationship might not be worth salvaging. That’s a pretty big thing to ask someone to sacrifice. Imo much bigger than compromising about sex. I’m sure there are other many aspects to your relationship that makes it great otherwise I’d question why you would’ve married him.
View Quoted Comment
Lol, How on earth can you possibly come to a conclusion like that?? You know about a paragraph of their entire relationship. I would assume that for the most part everything else is probably pretty great seeing as how they’ve been together for a long time and they got married. It sounds like this is a guy who actually desires his wife. I think when a guy feels rejected and expresses emotion maybe in the wrong way, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is an abusive one. It might just mean that he feels rejected by his wife.