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Expert February 2021

In need of serious advice on what to do with my mom

RaylaSan, on October 30, 2020 at 9:41 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18

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It's long, but you'll want to read this trainwreck.

Basically, right around the time COVID hit my mom took my little sisters, and moved to the Philippines to live with my dad.

Before they left, they basically pushed their car on me that they didn't need anymore, a 2016 Honda Civic with no pink slip on my fiancee and I, and $10000, which they gave to me to help pay for the wedding, and $3000-$4000 of that money just for themselves to use when they go back to America to apparently have a lavish vacation here in the states.
I don't show it, but when my mom took my entire family and basically moved to an entirely different country, in the middle of COVID, while I was planning my wedding and everything. I'm not gonna lie it hurt, a lot, and it effected me so much at work, that I nearly lost my job because of it.
Anyway, ever since my mom left, she's been asking for a lot of favors recently, such as...
1) Taking my little sister in and having her live with my fiancee and I, so she can learn to become more "independent"
2) Finding said little sister a therapy group that she can attend regularly to help her deal with her problems
And so on...
Of those two requests, my fiancee and I reluctantly agreed to.
Now before I tell you my mom's last request that she made to me, let me explain that due to COVID, we had to change our venue to a more expensive one, and find a new catering group entirely, because the one my parents chose for me wasn't liscenced and basically wanted $3000 just to make the food and nothing else.
Also, now because I promised to take care of my sister after the wedding is over, my fiancee and I are now forced to move out of our little one bedroom apartment and get a bigger place to accomodate my sister, and somehow save enough money to pay for the therapy sessions that she needs. =_=
Which, takes a lot of money...
On to my mom's last request, which she made to me on my birthday...
"Hey Rhiamae, just want to let you know that your dad and I love you very much, so please have a BLESSED BIRTHDAY. I'm so sorry we can't celebrate with you.
Oh yes, just so you know, I won't be able to attend your wedding because COVID, but don't worry because your dad and sisters are still looking forward to going.
Btw, I'm really struggling here in the Philippines, because your dad isn't giving me much allowance anymore, so please kindly send me $1000 today!"
Hilarious, on my 24th birthday, 4 months from my wedding my mom tells me that she won't attend my wedding due to COVID, when she was able to happily leave America and move to the Philippines right in the middle of COVID, and now she's asking me for money.
Anyway, I tried telling my mom that I can't give her $1000 because of the several reasons I just explained to you, and she is now threatening me to the point that she'll stop my dad and the rest of my family to not go to the wedding.
LOL... some birthday present.
Any idea on what I should do? I would give her the money if I can, but I still have a lot of wedding expenses and I now have to save some of that money to find a bigger place and to take care of my sister's needs when she begins to live with us.
Also, I feel she'll only start to ask for more favors in the future if I choose to accomodate her.

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18 Comments

Latest activity by Michele, on October 30, 2020 at 10:56 PM

Expert January 2021
Katie · on October 30, 2020 at 9:52 AM
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I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. The reality is that if you give her money this time, it certainly won't be the last time. This is kind of the perfect opportunity to draw that boundary and not comply with her request. It's basically choosing that money go to her or your sisters therapy, you should make that point if it gets there. She can't control what the rest of your family does, and if they do listen to her that's really unfortunate. I would draw a hard line in the sand when it comes to giving her money or you're in for it forever.
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on October 30, 2020 at 9:54 AM
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Whew this is very messy. If I were in your position, I probably wouldn't give her the money and take the risk of familt not being there, but that's me. I'm already having a wedding without my dad being there and he lives only 100 miles away from me.
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on October 30, 2020 at 9:55 AM
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I agree with this point. Tell her that money can be used on your sister abd the therapy.
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Super April 2021
Tiger Bride · on October 30, 2020 at 10:06 AM
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I would go straight to your dad and tell him what's going on, and also tell him you can't accommodate your sister living with you nor pay for her therapy sessions. You're 24 and she is not your child (I get this might be a cultural thing, but if you don't have the means and/or desire then you don't).
I'm so angry for you, this is incredibly out of line.
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Master May 2019
Cyndy · on October 30, 2020 at 10:14 AM
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100% agree Your sister is NOT your responsibility and you need to put up some boundaries ASAP. Good luck. I’m sorry you are going through this
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Master 0000
Judith · on October 30, 2020 at 10:23 AM
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The few thousand that she set aside for when she came back, do you have that? Since she asked you to hold it, not use it. The rest was for you.
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Expert February 2021
RaylaSan · on October 30, 2020 at 10:33 AM
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At this point, I want to set aside that money for my sister.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on October 30, 2020 at 10:45 AM
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I would point blank tell your mom no. I also wouldn't take your sister in or pay for her therapy. She isn't your responsibility. You shouldn't have to get a bigger place or work your butt off to support. Also, are those in the Philippines currently allowed to even travel to the US? I would recommend talking with your dad rather than your.
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Super February 2020
Karla · on October 30, 2020 at 11:37 AM
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I’m sorry, but what?!

I agree with others— do not take your sister in AND give your mom money as well. Honestly, i would answer her $1000 request with, “okay, let’s also discuss how you’ll be contributing for sister’s housing, food and therapy session. I’m more than happy to physically care for her here, but will need you to financially provide for the additional expenses such as $xx for therapy, $xx for her food, $xx for the difference in rent we’ll be paying since we’ll have to move into a 2-bedroom apartment.”
I grew up in a Filipino household, and don’t know how much of this is a cultural thing or your mom being manipulative. I’m a little bit older than you (and I’m assuming my parents are older than yours), but with our family it’s the other way around — kids depend on their parents and not the other way around. And usually this just entails them living at home until they can save up for their own place. This extends to my cousins who are your age as well as most of our Filipino friends. I know parents relying on their kids was the norm back in my parents’ days, but I think in this day and time, most Filipino parents aren’t (or more so SHOULDN’T BE) relying on their kids to take care of them.
This sounds super manipulative of your mom. Sorry.
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Expert December 2020
Bo Miller · on October 30, 2020 at 11:40 AM
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I agree with the people above. I would be taking the money she had you put aside to help take care of your sister. I would be setting boundaries and I would be talking with your dad and let him know what is going on so that he know what all she is asking of you. It seems ridiculous that she is asking so much! She is unloading a huge financial burden onto you (your sister and her therapy) and now you have to move to accommodate that. You should not send her any kind of money, but that is just my opinion
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VIP June 2019
Hanna · on October 30, 2020 at 11:45 AM
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What the heck?!! So sorry you have to go through this. Aside from the fact that it's unreasonable to ask you to take in your sister in the first place, if your parents expect you to take in your sister and provide for her, then they should be subsidizing the cost of your housing. Your mom sounds super manipulative and I would pull back, as difficult as that may be. Explain that you cannot take in your sister and also don't give your mom any money. This whole arrangement of taking in your sister is also not fair to your FH, and I can't imagine that he would be board with it. I'd also talk directly with your father. Excuse my ignorance if this is a cultural thing, but in what world does a husband give his wife an allowance? This whole situation is nuts! I'm so sorry
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on October 30, 2020 at 11:48 AM
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I never understand how people can just so easily pack up and live wherever they want to live. I was under the impression that there’s a lot of paperwork, money, and time that goes into that… all I can say is that you need to live your life. You and your fiancé might end up having rocky times due to all the added stress and financial pressure. None of which has anything to do with you guys. You both just need to focus onBuilding your future and planning for your wedding. I would send your mother a text message and tell her that you can no longer assist her. Your father won’t give her an “allowance”. Sorry but I just can’t relate to that. When you’re married, or at least living with someone in my opinion there is no “borrowing money “or “allowance” at that point. It just sounds like an extremely immature and selfish thing for your mom to ask you or by the way can I have 1000 bucks… Simply just tell her no
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Master April 2021
Michelle · on October 30, 2020 at 12:18 PM
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I agree with a lot of what previous people are saying. Especially Karla - point out to your mom the expenses you are incurring taking care of HER child. You most definitely need to draw some boundaries for her. If you give into this request, there’s no stopping her.
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Master January 2022
SLY · on October 30, 2020 at 12:30 PM
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Coming from a child of a Filipino parent, don't give your mom the money. You're already doing enough by caring for your sister and providing her therapy sessions. (which personally I don't think should be your responsibility). My experience with my family is that 'you give them an inch, they'll take a mile'. You agreed to help with her first favors/requests, so now she just expects you to cater to all of her needs now. It sounds like she's using guilt and manipulation to get her way, and that's not fair to you or your FH especially since you both have done so much for them already.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know how tough it can be to set boundaries and step back from your parents. While they are family, you have to remember that you and your FH are also a team and family that you have to look out for and support.
I hope the advice given on your post helps! Good luck
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VIP August 2021
Katie · on October 30, 2020 at 12:52 PM
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Honestly you need to tell her no. She needs to learn the word no from you. You are doing way to much for her as is. Taking in HER child and caring for HER child and dealing with the added expenses from taking in HER child. If you don't put your foot down now she will just keep asking you for things and money all the time. If your family loves you they will attend the wedding regardless of what your mom has to say.
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on October 30, 2020 at 4:21 PM
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You need to tell her no. I have a friend who gave her mom money and her mom never stops asking now. Her uncle got involved to tell his sister to cut it out but that only worked for a while. She is an adult, she needs to handle her own issues.

You are also not responsible for your sister. If you want to take her in, that's fine. But you shouldn't be taking your moms directives on how to "parent" her if you do, especially on this expensive therapy.
My same friend also took in her husbands sister as a newlywed. It didn't go well.
You are starting your own family. You need to save your money for your new family. You can't let other adults in your life suck you dry, no matter how much you love them. Love your new family more
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Dedicated July 2021
Alyssa · on October 30, 2020 at 10:44 PM
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I’m really sorry to hear that thinking of you and hope it works out.
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Super October 2022
Michele · on October 30, 2020 at 10:56 PM
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She created the issues so she needs to fix them. Do not enable this behavior by giving her money and catering to her whims. Set boundaries and stick to them.
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In need of serious advice on what to do with my mom

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