Ideas for 2nd ceremony for our kids after adults only destination wedding

I know a couple that eloped in the Bahamas without the woman's daughter (it was just them). The daughter was very excited for their marriage, but didn't seem to be upset she didn't get to go. What they did was take her to their wedding place in the Bahamas on a family vacation for their one year anniversary (they are actually currently there now, lol). Unsure if that would be a good option for you?

I think this is really going to depend on the child. My daughter (6) would have been crushed to not be included in her father’s wedding or in mine and FH’s. As it was, she almost couldn’t attend her dads because of other commitments and due to him planning a destination wedding in just a few months time. She just kept saying that she’d be sad forever if she didn’t get to be there.

I’m confused why you would choose to get married with friends and family, but without his children if their feelings mean this much to you.

Honestly, I can’t imagine why either of you would be ok with getting married without the kids there. If it was a baby, maybe that would be ok since they wouldn’t remember. But these are kids who will remember this forever. Do you really want to be remembered as excluding them from a significant event in their life? I highly suggest you rethink this. I would never consider excluding my son from my wedding (he’s in that same age range), and know he would be very angry and upset if he wasn’t involved and at the wedding.

View Quoted Comment The reason it's not an option is be because we are commandeering my moms vacation plan at an adults only resort. Adding the wedding was an afterthought. It was a compromise since my fiance has been married before, wanted to elope, and is uncomfortable with all of the attention. I've never been married (at 43) and this seemed like a good compromise. The boys haven't seemed the least bit interested and the 8yr old didnt respond very positively when we told them about the engagement. He said "what about mommy?". He must have still had a sliver of hope that they would get back together (after 6 yrs apart). I thought they would be bored with the event and hasnt mentioned it at all to us, so I was a little shocked to hear from his mom that he had expressed excitement. He will probably be more jealous of missing the Jamaican trip than the wedding itself. Hes an only child (other than half brother) so he is a little self-focused and demanding of what he wants. This will also be our honeymoon and expensive vacation for those attending so I wouldnt expect family to take care of them the whole week. I'm thinking of doing a small sand ceremony in a small chapel or his masonic temple for a symbolic ceremony with a dinner after. I can wear a simple white dress. I might be able to get my family to drive down the following weekend to participate to make the group bigger and the boys can think of that as the real wedding. I dont know. Just want to figure it out before we tell him about us going to Jamaica (unless we dont tell him where we are going). He is going to Hawaii with his mom next week so he gets the opportunity to do some fun travel. Maybe we should take them on a mini vacation and do something symbolic there. This is too stressful.

View Quoted Comment You can choose to do whatever you want, but I would expect this to cause hurt feelings no matter what choice you make. I absolutely wouldn’t lie and pretend to have a real wedding with them. What if someone slips and says something and they end up finding out from someone other than you? All I can tell you is my own personal experience with my daughter. If she had been excluded or her dad had chosen to get married somewhere she couldn’t attend, she’d probably be hurt for an incredibly long time. This just isn’t going to be something that gets let go of easily.

Poor kid, this breaks my heart. I'm afraid there isn't much you can do if you're set on him not being there. I've seen brides on here that were left out of their parent's weddings years ago and it still sticks with them years later. I just can't imagine choosing this path, but to each their own...

I appreciate the feedback and I agree that we shouldn't hide the Jamaican. Again this was a quick suggestion on my guy's part and there is nothing I can do short of cancelling the wedding part of the trip including the additional guests trips. About 20 people are booked and kids are not allowed at the resort. I haven't brought the engagement up too much with the 8yr old since he didnt seem all that interested and borderline supportive. I explained that we will be the same family as we have been (including his mom) but I'll officially share the same name. He hasnt even asked about our plans at all. I dont know that he really even cares about the wedding or if she just asked him if he was excited. I always planned to do something symbolic with them but I predicted that they will be bored with most of it. I guess I asked the wrong forum because I'm looking for ideas to make it special and interesting for them rather than criticism for choosing to get married while we were going to be there with my family (on my parents dime) anyway. My guy originally wanted to go to Vegas completely alone. I wanted to do something near home with everyone but he didnt want the circus/attention. Every family is different and the kids/history are different. Boys are different than girls who love weddings. He wouldnt want to stand up in front of people or he would back out at the last minute out of embrassment. I guess I'll figure it out myself.

Can you maybe take them on the trip and the four of you can stay at a different resort that isn't adults-only?

View Quoted Comment Thanks for the suggestion but the wedding is only a few hours of the whole week and all of these people are coming to spend time with us at the resort. Non-resort guests can only buy a pass for the wedding only and the bride/,groom must be guests. We cant have people pay all that money to stay there and then not be there. This is a vacation with a small wedding on one of the nights. The idea was for my mom to have us all together as a once-in-a-lifetime trip together. My dad is not in great health. The only way that would work is if someone else took the kids to a nearby resort and brought them over for the wedding and there is no one to do that. They are not going to be a part of that trip unfortunately. There is no way around it. I just want some creative ideas to create a family ritual ceremony before or after the trip. I dont think it's going to be a big deal for the kids really. They would be begging to play xbox (fortnite) in the room which is a whole other issue we are working on . :/+ Thank you for the suggestion though.

We are considering a destination wedding, but we may do the actual legal ceremony at home first, as having the marriage legally done abroad is a logistical nightmare (and added cost). So, would it be an option to do the legal ceremony before you go, then the big wedding in Jamaica? That way the kids could be present for the official wedding. And, it would probably save you some money too. You could probably also live stream the ceremony portion so they could watch, and if you mention them in your vows, or in a post ceremony speech, that might be very meaningful to them.

Thanks. I suggested that as a small legal ceremony the day before we leave and then the trip will seem like more of a honeymoon. My guy wants to just go to the courthouse alone and then after the trip take them to dinner and maybe a helicopter ride. I think that if we are going to do the legal part here we might as well have someone conduct the ceremony at a nice restuarant or at least take the kids to the courthouse with us. He thinks that taking them seems white trash and that they will be bored with that and that we need to just do something fun with them that's geared towards them. I dont know whether he knows what they will want or for what I should push. Do people bring family to courthouse weddings? Thanks so much for the idea. I am also concerned about the hassle on waiting on documentation from outside the US especially with benefits change deadlines of 31 days. Good luck with your wedding planning.

View Quoted Comment Most states require witnesses for all weddings, so yes, I think family would be appropriate. We are thinking just our parents for that part, because my mother would kill me if she missed it haha. Might be fun to have the kids keep a secret and be a part of your secret “real” marriage. Just an idea. I’m told it can take several months to have a foreign marriage be official in the US, so that’s part of our reasoning too.

View Quoted Comment I presented the idea and he went for it. The day before we leave, we will do a private ceremony with just is and the kids in a beautiful part of the old courthouse around late mirning/midday. It will be just us and his boys. We will do a sand ceremony so the 8yr old will love being creative and picking out the sand colors/family container. They cant sign as legal witnesses but they can on the keepsake version. Then we will go to lunch and then a helicopter ride downtown. Then the Jamaican trip will be more like a honeymoon in their eyes. Ill just find a simple white dress to wear and

That sounds great!

I think doing a second ceremony/convalidation at a church is a great idea. That’s what I’m planning to do.


I realize this post is old, just want to add some reassuring thoughts - don’t feel guilty on your wedding day and eloping with no children. I did the same thing. There’s lots of ways to include children in a second ceremony closer to home.