I do not want to invite my best friend's boyfriend to my wedding. What should I do?

You either invite them together, or not at all. Couples are a social unit and should be invited together. Chances are if you don't invite him your friend will not come and might strain your friendship - especially if you are inviting your other friend's s/o's.

How good of a friend is she? Does she know about the incident? If you absollutely must have her there you should probably talk to her about the incident. If it happened years ago she'll probably tell you to get over it or "he's not like that anymore" or, " he was drunk"

If this is one of your closest friends, she should understand that you do not feel safe around this person and do not want him at your wedding. That being said, I would also prepare for the possibility of her declining to attend as well. I am normally in the "always invite significant others" camp, but not when it means sacrificing personal safety.

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Yes, she was there during the incident and totally understands. She has never suggested I come visit again and always comes to visit me alone. It was a terrible experience and she is incredibly embarrassed and horrified about it. That being said, she is with this person, has forgiven this person, but this person has not ever done anything to right things with me. It wasn't just a drunken act. It was scary and aggressive and terrible, and I don't think she would even expect me to "get over it".

I agree with Hannah. I am all about inviting SO's, but when you fear for your personal safety, then the line has been drawn. Anyone (drunk or not) who makes my friends that scared, I wouldn't date or be around. You need to have the conversation with her about it. If she still wants to bring him, then do not send an invitation.

Okay, thanks. I feel like I just needed some vindication about the "line" I've drawn. I've been reading all over the internet that I should suck it up and invite a S/O no matter what...but I just don't know if this falls into the same category of invitation dilemmas...

Based on what you wrote in your post, it seems like you already know your decision. If you’re not comfortable with a person and they make you feel that unsafe, you don’t m invite them to your wedding. It’s pretty straightforward. If she’s truly your good friend, she’ll understand. But there’s no need to compromise your comfort.

I wouldn’t invite either of them. This was multiple years ago. The fact that your friend knows the impact it has on you and has not had her bf make any effort to apologize is not okay. I would explain to her that you aren’t comfortable with him there for obvious reasons and she hasn’t been a good friend by allowing this to go on for so long.

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I would call her and explain that you want her to be there but not her s/o, sounds like she would understand completely and not mind if you don't invite him

I have a very very similar situation as you. As your friend, it sounds like she understands that you don't feel comfortable since she hasn't brought him around you anymore and she's come to see you alone. I would think this would stand true for the wedding as well, especially since it's your day and you don't need the drama. I would reach out to her again and just clarify that you don't feel comfortable around him still and ask that he not attend. She'll either be understanding and leave him at home or she won't go. Either way, he shouldn't be there.

I make an exception for people I feel unsafe with or who I know will be aggressive and start trouble. My idea is that by me breaking etiquette up front, I am preventing this person being rude, it not dangerous, to my guests.
Additionally, I would want to send a clear message to my friend that I won’t cut her off (in the event that his behavior is leading to her isolation) but that I am not going to tolerate bad behavior.

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100% This.

We're not inviting FH Cousin's Fiance to the wedding as we know he has abusive tendencies, and has treated not only his fiance poorly but has also said and done horrible things to me and my FH. His cousin is aware of this decision and understands where we are coming from.

I would speak to your bestfriend about the situation and see what her thoughts are. Honestly for me, I wouldn't go anywhere that my husband wasn't invited and vice versa. You may just possibly have to miss her at your wedding.

View Quoted Comment I get this. And maybe this might sink in the message - if my boyfriend was not welcome somewhere because he causes problems, I would need to decide if that’s what I wanted my life to look like.

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Some people don't have a problem with it, some people do. Only her bestfriend can decide for herself, I just know me personally it would be an easy no for me. Hopefully her bestfriend will still be able to attend her wedding with her boyfriend understanding.

This is more than just wedding. It’s having a difficult but necessary conversation with your best friend about what this might look like long term. Is she always going to be there alone for all major life events (births, birthdays , weddings, engagements, deaths etc.). The fact that he was aggressive towards you and that your FH and you are a unit in not wanting him present may mean some TOUGH conversations and decisions with your bestie. I’ve been in a situation where I knew one of my former best friends boyfriend was cheating and he was also abusive. I didn’t what to be around him and I did lose my friend. After a few months I wanted to keep the friendship and tolerated the guy. Eventually, they broke up but the pattern of her picking abusive men continued almost to this day. We remain friends but nothing as close as before. Our values diverged with time. I guess my point is this is beyond one day. It’s a potential lifetime of avoiding this aggressive guy who your best friend loves and making her basically choose during major life events... it’s rough...

View Quoted Comment I made a change about 10 years ago that I wasn’t going to be around people who made me feel unsafe, or who were mean to me. At the beginning it was difficult because some friends were dating/married to some real jerks. I let these friends know I loved them and we could spend time together, but their SOs frightened me, and I wasn’t going to put myself in those situations anymore. And they understood. One friend is happy about it - I’m the one person she can socialize with without the night ending with her being sad that he acted out and embarrassed or humiliated her.

In all honesty I would no longer be friend's with someone who continued to date a person that assaulted me, no matter what type of incident it was. Especially if she has made no effort to make him see his wrongs. If I was in her shoes, I would no longer date someone that made my friend fear for their safety. I wouldn't and couldn't imagine myself ignoring those obvious red flags. I'd seriously consider this friendship completely. I cut someone off, that I dearly cared about, because her BF was constantly speaking ill about my partner and I, guising it as "that's just my religious beliefs." We had never even met the guy and once we did, we were the hot button issue in every conversation. She never made any real effort to stand up for me, so that was that. We have to protect our peace and energy, that can include still loving and caring about people but not having them be part of our lives. I wish you the best in your decision making!

This is one of the few instances where it is ok to invite the friend without the bf. Your safety comes first. It sounds like your friend will understand. If not, reconsider the friendship. You should feel safe at your wedding. Your friend should respect your boundaries and your need for safety.

In most cases, SO's need to be invited. In situations where safety is called into question then that rule goes out the window. Dont' invite him.

*My only concern about that would be any possible repercussions to your friend. Do you have reason to suspect he is abusive to her? Isolating her? If so, not inviting him may bring on some unwelcome consequences for your friend and it may be worth inviting him and having someone watch him super closely. Not saying this is the case, but something to think about.

Don't invite either of them. Why on earth would you be friends with someone who is in a relationship with a man who assaulted you? Easy decision. No invite.