HOw to deal with a difficult maid of honor

I know that you are very frustrated but you chose her to be a maid of honor for a reason. I think that you will be sad if you lose the friendship and do not get to share this special day with her. It seems strange that she would agree to be a maid of honor and then not help at all. Perhaps she has something going on in her life.

Believe me I know the feeling! Maybe just ask her to go to coffee or something and ask her "what's up?"

I had a MOH like that, and I simply told her "either youre with me or against me!, if you dont like it, or its to much you can just be a guest that day instead of a MOH!" simply put and she came around. My MOH was the same way, she had so much to say about how I should do this, how I should do that, etc. When I put it to her like that, she came around and started helping and doing her MOH duties, then she told me that she was a bit jealous because I am having a wedding and she never had one, plus she is unhappily married. I told her in no way do I want her to be jealous and I see where she is coming from, if this is too much for her at this time i understand and I will still be her friend and understand if she choose not to be a MOH.

Dont ruin your friendship over it. On one hand it's completely understandable that you want her to help & you're frustrated she's not supporting you. On the other hand, there is no official MOH or BM duties, she is NOT required to help you at all. It's supposed to be out of the goodness of her heart, true. But if her life is too busy, then you just have to deal with it. SOOOO many times we brides get stuck in our excessive planning, we forget the rest of the world does not revolve around our wedding. Everyone has their own lives.

I would LOVE if my BMs could help me. But they're wives, mothers, full-time career women. So, I'm doing everything myself, happily too. I'm a control freak, & totally understandable of their busy schedules. They show up to my wedding to look pretty & stand up in support of my marriage, that's it.

Now if you decide it's too much hassle & stress, & you decide to make her a guest instead of MOH, that's your choice. But be aware something like that can ruin your friendship, forever.

@Glennda its good to know that im not the only one that has had to deal with this sort of thing.

@Masquerade Bride I feel sorry for you that you had to do it all yourself. According to etiquette the MOH is your right hand woman. There to help you through the planning, hosting/ planning the bridal shower, and throwing the bachelorette party. If anything they are there to be your support. I am a equally huge control freak that has a 40 hour a week + a part time job thats knows that even I cannot do this on my own...a very humbling fact for me. I understand that she too works 40 hours a week, is single with no kids, and plays derby. We have been friends for 5 years and know each other very well if she felt that she could not spare time in her "busy life" she could have simply turned me down.

I think im mostly frustrated that she expects me make time for her (gives me shit if I don't) but seems to think she doesn't have to do the same for me.

Masquerade don't even bother.

Noooooo according to etiquette this is her list of duties

http://www.emilypost.com/attendants

How much DIY are you doing? It can be very tough for BM to commit to helping with too many DIY projects. But I get what you are saying. My ex moh was brutal and believed she shouldn't even be helping and expected rides for each planning event and thought she had the right to invite people she wanted to hang out with at my planning events. The new one has been engaged and awesome and understands what is right for her to do.

Http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx

I guess differing opinions from different websites say different things.

Well that is an article from a wedding website, you said etiquette so I went the etiquette route, different things entirely

also your list is a whole lot of listening and support not a whole lot of have to do diys and be at the beck and call of the bride

@Alteray just the decor which is vase and laced covered votives. We have already had one crafting party and have gotten most of the decor done. Giving her a ride I dont mind since I'm dead smack in the middle of were everyone lives. I'm all up for meeting at my house and then all driving in one car to where ever we need to go, but something anything would be better than...Im sorry I cant come because its on Sunday and I have a bout on Saturday.

@Alteray just the decor which is vase and laced covered votives. We have already had one crafting party and have gotten most of the decor done. Giving her a ride I dont mind since I'm dead smack in the middle of were everyone lives. I'm all up for meeting at my house and then all driving in one car to where ever we need to go, but something anything would be better than...Im sorry I cant come because its on Sunday and I have a bout on Saturday.

@Miss B Im sorry but I think I have confused you. Its a really long story of which i'm going to try and sum up. I have my best friend who is being absent and unsupportive. I have generations of married women who have advised that the link that i posted is the correct etiquette for MOH duties not being at my beck and call. I haven't asked her to do anything but help and be part of this experience with me...as we have been equal parts of each others lives for 5 years.

You have asked yes and she has every right to say no, there is no contract that states your duties as MOH means do whatever the bride wants you to do whenever the brides wants you to do it

is your friendship worth losing over lace covered votives?????

And maybe that the custom where you live but it's really not etiquette stating this is mandatory

LOL dont feel sorry for me, I actually enjoy it, I can perfect things myself without having to micromanage - which is what I would do if others were helping me. I guess considering the fact I've had 2 years of planning (from postponing) that it's a cinch & no stress at all for me. And you're right, MOH & BM are there as support. But to me all that means is they support my happiness & getting married to a wonderful man. My best friend is my MOH b/c we love each other like sisters, not cuz she's my "right hand"

Anyway, if you feel that she's not supporting you enough, then it's your decision to make about her position in the wedding. All I was saying is with that, you're risking losing your friendship if you de-note her from MOH.

If you truly want certain types of support from her, like helping with decor, then flat out tell her.

Pan: lmao

@MissB you are absolutely correct. I asked, she said yes. No lace covered votives will not cause the loss of a friendship but having a friend who is displaying true colors when their friend needs support will.

As far as etiquette goes we will have to agree to disagree. Different strokes for different folks.

I guess so Meghan, I just hope that you don't regret anything later, good luck.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Most of us have been there. They should play such an important part but ate MIA. I have found that the best thing to do is tell hem you want them to be more involved and if still won't like one of mine didn't.... Just let it go. It seems like you have at least 1 that is willing to help so share all these fun times with her.