How to back out of a bachelorette party?

I don't have a child yet so I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel but I am sure I would feel the same as you. I would tell the bitch planner that her attitude was uncalled for and you don't appreciate her talking about you to others. Tell her flat out you are not interested in attending any longer. I would explain the situation to the bride and apologize. If she's a good friend of yours she should understand.

If you are going then at least you could stay for 1 night, and with a one year old that might indeed be difficult. You are attending the Wedding right?

The bachelorette party shouldn't be that big a deal she should understand, just talk to her.

Op, the woman planning the party seems really hostile towards you. You wrote that you originally rsvpd yes and then changed your mind. Is it possible that she booked the room and put money down after you rsvpd yes for one night and then you switched up the plan after? I'd probably be snarky too if I put money down based on someone rsvp'ing yes and then they pulled out after. Anyway, the bachelorette party isn't for this woman, it's for your friend. If you don't think you can go and be civil then just let them know stat and make plans to celebrate with your friend with just you two, if you're so inclined. For the record, bachelorette parties are completely optional parties and I usually decline them. No problem there. I do have a problem when people say they can go to something and then back out last minute. (Unless it's an emergency) I think it's flaky and I don't like flaky.

So I'm a nursing mom(my son is almost 2) and I'm a breastfeeding counselor for the Florida Department of Health so I can tell you my opinion from a mother's perspective and a professionals prospective.

I know exactly (EXACTLY) how you feel. I struggled with a decision like that once. It's hard leaving your baby and enjoying yourself even when they're almost 1. They depend on you to nurse them to sleep. I wouldn't be able to leave my son unless I really really really really wanted to go and it doesn't sound like your hell bent.

Now as a professional I would ask you, can you pump? One night of pumping isn't going to damage your relationship at almost a year old. Children really do bounce back quicker than you'd think. They WILL be ok! Especially if you have a night away before then. If your child doesn't take a bottle, trust me they will when you're gone and they're hungry. Or have Dad or Grandma walk them to sleep. They will be ok. It might be good for you to have some time away to collect yourself and let loose.

You have to do what YOU want. Your friend will understand and the bitchy planner will get over it. Once they have a couple shots they won't be worried about what you're doing anymore. Just worry about you mama and know whatever you choose is the best decision out there!

I don't think you can back out without hurting the Bride's feelings a little ... especially when you previously said you would come the one night and your backing out is unrelated to the baby. For my BFF, I've tolerated a lot of her work friends that I didn't care for. I wouldn't let them be rude to me though. I'd address it in that moment.

If you are going to back out you just need to be honest about why

You need to speak to the bride. At this point, she's probably very excited that you've rsvp'ed yes and to just back out with no info or explanation would hurt her feelings.

@Christy-I went back to work after 7 months into my mat leave, I nursed until my son was 22 months because I worked close to home. Leaving for an overnight would have been difficult at a year, even 18 months.

OP, Sarah had a great suggestion.

If you had not already said yes to one night you could easily just say that you cannot go. Since you did say yes you should find out what has been paid for already on your behalf and make sure to cover those expenses. You could also offer to pay some towards treating the bride (if you want to and are able). This ensures that you backing out does not make the trip more expensive for the others who made plans based on your initial response.

What @rosered said.

I think it's fine not to go as situations do change, however if they've committed to things like hotel that included your contribution or people said yes based on your contribution, then you should still send the money. It's unfair to the others otherwise. Hopefully it's something they can adjust without you having to contribute but you should be prepared either way.

Debate about whether you should or should not feel comfortable leaving your child is irrelevant. This is your decision to make for you and your child, and what someone else does after their paltry mat leave is over doesn't matter one iota.

If you committed to sharing expenses, and your cancellation means others are going to have to pay more, I would call the bride and tell her that unfortunately you are going to have to cancel. At the same time, mail her a card and enclose your check in an envelope addressed to the planner.

My son will be 1 tomorrow and while I'm not breastfeeding anymore, he has a nasty case of separation anxiety. He already doesn't sleep well and trying to get him to sleep around someone that's not me? Lolnope. I wouldn't leave him and worry about whether or not he's driving his dad or sitter crazy just so I can go to a bachelorette party that I don't even want to go to because the planner is being bitchy. Tell the bride you thought you were okay with leaving your baby but you now realize you're not. If she's not understanding of that then...*shrug*

Thanks for all these responses! I really appreciate the validation lol. And I as a mother, I agree with muriel -- "what someone else does after their paltry mat leave is over doesn't matter one iota". I've never questioned my change in decision not to stay overnight, just gone with my gut instinct, which is that the time isn't right. That instinct is one of the great things about being a mom!

To clarify, (even though it's minor), I originally wanted to stay at a hotel with my other friend who also has a baby but is moreso concerned with cost. The bitch said that when people stay at a hotel and not the group house, it's a "buzz kill" so we offered to sleep on the couches there, which is when the bitch told my other friend "some people just don't understand luxury" and then insisted that my friend and I stay in a bedroom for our night and pay for the full 2 nights for which that bedroom would need to be secured on our behalf ($800 combined for one night sharing a double bed with my friend? hell no, the 2 of us will stay at a hotel across the street). So I told her, I'm not doing that and will stay at a hotel instead. They then booked a house with bedrooms for the rest of the group, not including us, and everything was fine until this shit-talking got back to me.

She is really just being hostile for no reason other than her own hangups. My guess is it's because she is single and all her friends are settling down and I represent how unavailable they are becoming.

Does your love of your friend outweigh your distate for the bitchy planner? It's one night....

I say go, or reach out to the bride directly and tell her you're not comfortable leaving your son and wish to avoid any potential drama (don't throw planner under the bus). Then make it up to her by taking her out to dinner one night to celebrate her.

Speak with the bride directly about your concerns with leaving your child. Anyone who is truly a friend will understand this. Maybe send some flowers or surprises to the bachelorette party to show you are there in spirit!

Don't go if you don't want to go, that's ok. I do think you are on the hook if you owe any money for the room or other festivities because you agreed to go. So I would settle up and explain to both the bride and the planner that you need to decline.

As a mom, with a young one, I would have a hard time leaving my child that I am still nursing. Especially if I've never left them before. The fact that it is a flight away is what would be the deciding factor for me.

It sounds like the MOH has an idea in her head about what this bach will look like and the alternate housing for you and your friend are throwing that off. That could be why there's attitude. Also, if you have already made a commitment to the expense, make an effort to cover that cost. If you change the plans when things are already booked, it could be a problem for the other girls.

Talk to bride, let her know your concerns about being away from the baby. Don't bring up the MOH or any other drama. The MOH is most likely talk shit about it. You can't control her reaction. Ignore her.

OP, as a complete aside, if your username is your real, full name, it might be wise to change that. Probably a fairly friendly bunch here, but no need to put your real/full name out there, especially since you're discussing a specific situation and referring to individuals involved by certain derogatory names (regardless of whether those titles are deserved or not).

You never know who else may be on here reading this.

One of my close friends had a 5 month old at the time of my bachelorette party (yes I've already had mine early because Britney is done at the end of 2017). She was open and honest with me the whole time and eventually said she didn't think she could come because she was uncomfortable leaving the baby. I was super sad, but completely understood. She did order a bottle of champagne for us all to enjoy before heading out to the concert. So maybe you could send something to be there in spirit.

If you don't want to go don't go. You have a solid reason not to: a baby. I don't even see any of my friends who have babies anymore!!!