how do you have two seperate weddings because family doesnt get along?

I know it's difficult because it is your mom plus you don't want your brother to be left out. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. It seems that you have been working hard to appease everyone and that is not working. I think you and your FH should sit down and decide what you really want (w/out considering anything else) and once you get that image in your mind go for it! It won't be easy but when you look back on one of the most imp. days of your life it will be exactly as the two of you dreamed regardless of who is or isn't there! Good luck

Ty dream come true!

Sorry you have to go through this...sounds like you are closer to your brother than mom? i think you can ask your mom to meet her granddaughter for the first time. it may be a good healing moment-- a good push towards that direction.....i had a sister tell me my wedding was inconvenient for her and her family...of course they were happy to have their daughter in my wedding as a flowergirl, for me to pay for the dress, and for their whole family to eat at the rehearsal dinner (had to be a nice place of course or they would complain?! omg).....it's too hard to please everyone....WHAT DO YOU WANT? THEN MAKE THAT HAPPEN FIRST!....Then think about honoring the ones who have always been there for you and have proven their support and loyalty over the years.....YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE and you'll drive yourself nuts if you attempt to..........The thing is: You will see who cares about you truly when they step up and try to make YOU happy and not them, when they put YOU first above them!

Thanks jj, my mom cant meet her grandaughter for the first time. Its not ok, and my sister in law wont allow it. Kelly(my sil) would love nothing better than having it be my perfect moment...it wont happen. My mom will start drama...

I haven't read anything but the question but I really think that you are being way to accommodating to your brother! My brother is an alcoholic and is in bad graces with my mom (which extends to the family 'cause if mama ain't happy than ain't nobody happy) because of the things he did while he was drinking. I extended the invitation and gave him the option to come or not it was his choice. I still had his son and daughters in my wedding and he didn't show. Yes it was hard to think that he couldn't face my mom in order to see me married. But there is no way that I was going to spend more money to have a separate gathering for him just because he can't act like an adult!

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There are many families out there that have divorced parents that do not get along and don't even talk to each other but come together for a the wedding of their child.

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I don't mean to be harsh with this post because I understand you wanting your brother there but you can't accommodate him this day is about you andfH

I would do exactly that if she feels she cannot go if he is there give her the chance she needs to celebrate with you and if she chooses not to attend let it be her regret not yours. I see nothing wrong with two weddings. We are inviting eveyone to our home wedding that is were we throw in the bomb shell. FH mom was re married when he was very young so his now ex-stepdad was really close to him for about 20 years, they are divorced but we are inviting ex-stepdad. I have made it cleat to eveyone that they are welcome to attend but the first person to start problems will be asked to leave.

Yea I agree, do what you want, I understand your curcumstances and I am not trying to be mean, but I don't think you should have 2 weddings, I mean the ppl u are inviting are adults, they should be able to handle themselves in a mature manner, just explain to both sides that you don't want problems but you want them all there.. good luck... sry you are going through this...

I mean do what you want for your wedding.

I totally agree w dreamcometrue! Decide what it is that you and your fh's ideal wedding is and go for it. Send both of them invitations and whoever goes or doesn't istheir problem. But if they call you and try to put you in the middle you MUST put your foot down. Especially with your Mom, because from the sounds of your statements, she's calling the shots? Tell herr if she loves you she'll stop being stubborn and if she can't do that then she wont see you get married...end of story. I think she'll come around. What mother doesn't want to see her daughter get married?

Granted, three of my close relatives have told me they won't go to my wedding for lame reasons, so I can speak from experience that when you initially hear someone won't attend it is hurtfull. But it gets better, I promise.

In your heart you know what the right thing to do is already. That's why you asked for advice because you weren't sure your plan was a good idea...and now you know.

As an Event Planner, may I offer my professional & personal thoughts? First off, great advice from most everyone. I see this quite often & not only is it sad that you are going through this, but it's quite immature that adults are unwilling to set aside their differences for one day. I tell my couples to sit down with each person (seperately) & tell them how much you love them, as well as how important it is for them to be a part of the most important day of your life...that the day just wouldn't be the same if they weren't there. With that being sad, I would also express that if they are not willing to collectively set aside their differences, be mature, & act respectful to eachother on your wedding day, than they are not welcome to come. (I know sometimes brides have a hard time swallowing that), but remember this. Your wedding is the most important day of your life. Don't allow people to put you in this type of position, regardless of who they are.

More thoughts cont'd...

I understand your feelings of wanting to keep the peace & accomodate everyone b/c you love them. But honestly, why should you have to have two weddings, etc for anyone. This is the last thing a bride should have to deal with.

Plain & simple, if they don't care enough about you to do this for you, for one day, than like I said, they aren't welcome to come.

I hope that helps a bit. So sorry that you are going through this.

Keep us updated.

Stephanie

I was in the same situation with my mom and my step mom. I asked them each separately if they love me and both said yes. I asked them out of their love for me and the fact that they both are Christian woman can they sit down and talk. They went to breakfast just yesterday and worked out all their issues. I think the best thing is to have them realize they care enough about you to work out their issues and be there for you on your big day! I hope it all works out for you!

I think families of wayy too many people end up being too selfish and try to arrange things their way for weddings. but its your wedding not theirs! and i dont feel bad calling people selfish cuz its not a personal thing its a family thing. mine was the same way. have assigned seating and place them on opposite sides of the room. and when you talk to them, talk with confidence and say that you love them and if they were to not come just because the other person is there, then you would be extremely disappointed and upset. let them know that your telling the pother person the same thing, and your not taking sides, you love both and want both to come. if they cant grow up, then they can live with knowing that they put a dent in the biggest day in your life, and thats something that can never change. their making the situation about them... if you let them know this, that its about you, then they might be more sensitive to the situation...

Sorry about the blabbering... my family got crazy with stuff too so i got a little heated... lol. good luck girl with whatever you decide to do!

What I pesonally would do, is sit down with my FH and decide what we really want, not what is easier for everyone else.

Then put that plan into action. I understand that you'r family has issues and what not, what family doesn't! (I know ours does) But it is your and your FH day no one elses. It sounds like that there may always be someone who won't want to come or can't. ANd I don't suggest going broke for mulitple weddings to plese everyone else

I love devine2be thoughts... I hated to admit it too, the selfishness that I witnessed the night before my wedding from my very close relatives. It made me so sad. Please remember: it is about marrying the man that you love and not about them. Despite all that, remember to be happy for the really wonderful people in your life.

I am grateful that my brother and my sister in law said they will not be offended because they know its unrealistic for me to have to choose...its just that my brother wants no part of being near or having my mom near. So i know they would understand and have no resentment..its just that I really want to and need to have all of them involved in one way or another. I would regret it forever if i didnt. I know it is supposed to be "my day" etc...so i think the two weddings for everyone is more about me, I just need to get my mom to agree to go to nashville or this whole scenario isnt going to play out and i will end up being engaged for ten years. Its kinda like going to college, if you dont do it right from high school its that much harder to go get it done...right??? Anyone know of a back up plan for a quaint little chapel wedding within maybe 5 hrs of boston???

I understand you wanting everyone to be there. But I also have to agree with the others. It is your day and you shouldn't have been put in this position in the first place. If they really love you they'll want to be there with you on your special day. I'd just invite both of them and let them make their decisions about it. Then nothing is your fault, it's their faults. How does your FH feel about the situation?

He has his own family drama about the wedding, not as dramatic...he sais he will do whatever i decide. He cant stand to see me stressed out, but doesnt see a solution for MY situation. His situation is that before we got together he was dating a very CLOSE family friend and his mom and him consider them family. After they broke up, that side wont talk to him AT ALL...he is a little more sturdy in his "whatev thats their problem" than i am! I know i made that sound a little incestious...its not like that. That whole side of the family practically had an arranged marriage for the two of them lol!

Maybe you should just talk to your family and aske them to put their differences aside for your special day. This isn't just your wedding, this is the first day of the rest of your life. You can't have 2 b-day parties for your kids, 2 graduation parties, 2 of each holiday. They are your family and love you, they can do this you.