Help!

I think the biggest question is who is paying for the wedding…If his parents are paying, I would not oppose their demands. If anyone else is paying, then his parents are being unreasonable. Give your FH a little time to think. I am sure he isn’t really happy with all this either. I do worry a bit that he is not supportive of your wishes…..but, again, who is paying?

I would try to compromise here. Unless the friends children are your fiancé’s close friends they can be left off the list.. His parents are probably excited and proud of you both my parents were given a table for their friends. Discuss it with your fiancé and set a number you are both comfortable with for his parents to invite. You are right in that your future spouse should have your back, this is a great chance for you both to communicate and compromise. Best of luck to you!

We are paying. But this isn’t about the money and it shouldn’t be.

Can you compromise? It’s not unusual to give the parents the courtesy of allowing them some of their closest friends as a gesture of generosity and appreciation for all they’ve done in your lives. Unless FI has a relationship with their children, there’s really no reason at all to include them. Since you say you’re not from there are there any cultural differences or expectations at play?


Hosts plan and have some discretion over the guest list, even if it’s an event in your honor but you’re right to say it’s not about who is paying. That can work both ways though. While you are not obligated to have any and certainly not all of these people, it might be a generous thing to consider at least a few of them.
The bigger issue is whether this is a sign of things to come or not. Is this the first time anything like this has come up? Is he open to compromise? If not, then you may have some thinking to do.

View Quoted Comment I absolutely can compromise to a few of them of course yes! Especially because those few have been part of our relationship. But the rest and the daughters and sons I would like him to cross off. That’s the problem that I think he feels bad and he told me they have to go because when he was little they used to spend time together. Also, there’s not the first time something like this happens, yet he takes his parents side and disagree with me. I don’t want to create any trouble between them at all but he’s showing me now he won’t have my back in the future when major situations arises. That’s my concern.

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It actually is, because if they were paying, they do get to have a say. That's the trade off.

But since they aren't paying, they don't have that right. I would talk to your fiancé about how you're feeling. In my mind, this is potentially a deal breaker. If they're like this now, think about how much worse it will be when you get pregnant and have children.

If your fiancé doesn't act, you'll have to ask yourself whether this is the future you want.

What does your fiancé think about these guests? Not what does he think his mom wants, but how does he personally feel about them being at the wedding? It sounds like he’s made comments about being close to some of these people at some point in time, so if it weren’t for his mom, are these people that he would want in attendance? I think that’s important here too if these are people that he actually feels should be there.

I personally don’t agree with others that say you just have to deal with your parents decisions if they’re paying. Because in my head you’re choosing to do something really nice for me but choosing to do something really nice does not mean you get to treat me however you want and it’s okay because “look at this nice thing I’m doing for you.” Choosing to pay for your child’s wedding is a gift and gifts should never come with stipulations. At least in my book. But regardless you say you’re paying. I think you need to put your foot down with your fiancée. Because this is a perfect show of how your communication is as a couple. If you can’t work through things and compromise now then it’ll just be a one sided relationship where you only do what he or his family wants. And that’s not good. If you can get him to compromise on a few of them I think that would be best. You give in a little, he gives in a little

Also to add, we were both given some money by our parents to help pay for our wedding. And then we paid a bunch. Our parents asked if we could invite a few people and we did because they were kind enough to gift up money. But the money didn’t come with conditions and ultimately we got the final say as it was our wedding

You and your FI need to get and stay on the same page when it comes to his family. I agree with you that he needs to stand with you on decisions and honestly he needs to be dealing with his family, and not putting you in the middle here.

I could not stay in a relationship that results in my partner taking his family's side repeatedly. Unless this is addressed, this is going to be a theme as you move forward in life. I would suggest looking into counselling to get this sorted now. Otherwise you'll be spending your life trying to please these people.

The reason money question was asked is that money often comes with strings attached, and if they were paying for it, then they can call the shots. It's lucky that you're hosting!

View Quoted Comment My Fiance and I are the ones paying for our wedding. Yes his parents had helped so had mines but we’re paying the majority of the costs. And again it’s not a money thing here, we agreed we will be doing this wedding in the area so all the family and closest friends can attend without excuses. So I found a venue that it’s big enough to host a huge party but I don’t want that. I booked it because I liked it and it’s local and affordable. Yet, we have 120 people on the list and I think it’s enough. I don’t want to make it about his parents (especially his mom) because they can easily have another party if they want to invite all their childhood friends but not making my wedding a 10 years high school reunion. I am clear on my boundaries, what hurts me and frustrates me is my fiancé taking their side all the time. Not sure if it’s pitty or obligation or probably they already told everyone about attending to the wedding without us having the last say on the list.

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If his parents helped, there is where the entitlement started. I know you don't think it should be a thing but it is.

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If your future in-law's had paid some, then that is the source of why they feel they should have input. Them financially investing into your wedding is similar into how you're investing into your wedding. It doesn't matter that you're the bride, you don't get all the say when you include others as hosts. Their financing some of your wedding may be the reason your fiance thinks it's reasonable for them to make some demands. I think you should look to see if your FI has a pattern of taking their side outside of wedding planning. If this is so, then decide if this is the future you want because it will continue. If this is an irregular circumstance, then decide if these guests are the hill for which you'll cancel your wedding and marriage for. What you don't want is to be wishy washy hoping things will resolve itself just because you already put money into it. If you get married without team effort with your partner, then you not only lose money for the wedding, you lose all the gifts because you must give them back, then you also lose money paying for a divorce. If you two cannot find the words to get through this, seek a couples' counselor to help you two communicate.

View Quoted Comment You have really made me think with your words. I hope that’s not the case. But he usually take their side yes, and we argued to badly the other day because he said that he must invite them. I know that he’s doing it because his parents and not because they are extremely important to him. I barely see those people only maybe once in so long that we have been together. If they were that important I could of have met them earlier and see them more often. They are more of his parents best friends and because of it he has been seeing them while growing up. I don’t know if it’s selfish to tell him to not invite them and continue my ground or just be cool with it. Honestly I don’t know what to do. But what I know is that sooner or later I have to bring up the topic with his parents and don’t accept any more monetary help because they are very controlling and pushy. He’s a good guy and usually pleases me. But when it comes to them giving opinions he usually takes their side. I messed up because we should of have moved far away from them and get married out of FL. But this is already happening and I need to find the way to deal with it so it doesn’t happen again in the future. That’s not all, his mother is assuming that his sister has to be one of my bridesmaids. Because of that he begged me to have her. And I have to because of him now.

View Quoted Comment You're a grown-up, no one is forcing you to do anything. If need be, set up empowering post-its around your home reminding you, you are your own person. With a modified perspective, pick and choose your battles. If the friends are truly best friends, let them celebrate with you as guests. Of course, not everyone is a bestie so there must be boundaries. Set a number with FI, inform parents. They have to respect it and the in laws must now choose who will come. The SIL can stand on his side . . . If your back is to the wall, you'll say no to everything and be less likely to negotiate. So just shift perspective if you still want to marry this man. If you need allies, discuss with your parents what's happening.


When you marry someone, you become part of their family. Set boundaries now of who you are and that you will not be pushed around. When the future in-laws ask something, give a blank line "we're still discussing it" then change the subject. Tell your FI to say the same when they follow up with him. Don't feel like you have to leave the state to live a happy life. There are better options out there. If needed, ask your married friends how they dealt with "momma's boys" or similar. There are also lots of articles and sitcoms on such families.