Help! Future Step-Child Issue ?!?

You're not awful for worrying but you do need to include her.

How is FH handling this? he needs to be very involved in correcting her behavior and "debriefing" when you guys have her.

of course she should be included in some way in your wedding. how would your fiance feel if she wasnt?

if you are not able to handle his daughter, honestly you need to think long and hard about marrying her father.

^^ agree. Don't kiss her ass, kids see through that and will disrespect you more. Treat her just like you would any other child (that you have some responsibility over).

I would definitely include her. It could be a good opportunity for you to get closer for.

RE: the ex, maybe you or your FH can sit down and have a discussion with her. She may be intimidated that someone else is coming into her child's life and I would be too. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt and have a conversation about how you can all best raise the child going forward.

I don't think not including her is the answer. I think the best thing would be your FH telling the ex to stop it. Imagine how the kid feels. You have time to build a relationship with her. He needs to talk to her and explain what's going on in a way that she can understand it. Then you need to spend as much time together as possible. She needs to know that liking you doesn't mean going against her Mom. Ideally, her Mom would want what's best for her, but when you are wounded maybe it's to hard to see the forest for the trees.

I think that you need to include her as well - not for you future in-laws, but to build the connection between yourself and the little girl. I would assume she will be attending the wedding, so if she is going to act out, it could happen anyway. By inviting her to be in your wedding party, you will be showing her that you want her to be a part of the new family you are creating with her Dad. She will also get a chance to participate in all of the fun events surrounding the wedding. If you leave her out, you could be playing right in to the nasty things the ex-wife is telling her about you.

Edited for spelling

I completely understand the issue and your hesitation to include your future step daughter...

But here are my two cents -

I think FH should be the one to ask his ex if their daughter can be in and/or attend his wedding. That way it isn't coming from you to the ex...FH (should be considered...) is the neutral party here.

I think the wedding may be a great way for you to grow that relationship with FH's daughter - make it something you two work on together - or pick a specific thing for her to be "designated" to help with ... whether it be her outfit or helping to taste the cake.

Also, you should try and have FH mention to his ex that you are trying to establish a relationship w/ daughter and the Ex needs to allow that to happen because you aren't going anywhere but make sure FH doesn't make it seem like you want to become daughters mother...that's probably the issue.

Ideas for including her in the day - flower girl or have her do a reading

Honestly I wouldn't include her - unless she starts acting differently to you. Maybe explain to her that she won't be a part of the day unless she straightens up.

Future Hubby needs to talk to the ex and see if she is going to go awoll about it. Step children can be a little stressful because that child wants their parents together. Please don't take it personally. I also have step children to work with and it is difficult because deep down they want to like you but they feel like if they do they will be betraying their mother. They will see in time that you are a good person but I would have FH work with them on it and if the mother doesn't want her in the ceremony that's not your problem. Maybe the grandparents/ your in laws can be responsible for her. Good luck it's going to be a long road.

Well, this is a tough situation. As far as including her goes: Yes. You should include her. Otherwise her mom will fill more crap in her head about how she isn't included because of YOU. and it will make their daughter hate you more.

As far as the disrespect goes, your FH really needs to tell the mom to stop talking bad about you and if she doesn't then he at least needs to correct his daughter. I agree that you shouldn't smile and push her off, She will see she can be rude and ignorant to you and she will take advantage of that and step allllllll over you. I know its awkward but you have to put your foot down.

Maybe you can take FH daughter out & do something she likes. Getting her nails done? roller skating? Something SHE likes doing and finds fun. that way you both can bond a little bit and while your out tell her you don't know what people tell her about you (don't single out her mom) but your not a bad person and you want her to get to know you. Maybe if you took her out for

Some girl time she would change her attitude a little bit. You have to show her that everything her mom says isn't true and teach her to form her own opinion...

Edit: Im thinking If you can get her excited about the wedding about how fun it will be, and how you want her to be apart of it for her dad and get her amped up about things like how she can help plan or whatever (just to make her fee important) .....you will get her excited and if her mom droped the bomb and said NO she cant go.....Then the daughter will start to see that your not the crazy one.

Don't smile and laugh it off and I think Donna and FutureMrsP had great points. Not including her could play right into what mom says and FutureMrsP's idea about cake tasting would be a really fun way to include her.

Talk to FH about figuring out a way to make this all work. Potentially look at counseling for the three of you or offer to take a parenting class. What you don't want to happen is alienation of a parent in any regards.

Definitely include her.

You be the adult and include her. Have FH talk to her about how she is expected to behave. She's 7, of course she's going to be influenced by her mother, but it's your FH's place to talk to her about that, not yours.

I want to start off by saying that my FH has a 5 year old from a previous marriage, so I can understand a little bit of what you're going through.

You absolutely should include your future step-daughter in the wedding. It would speak volumes to her if you don't, and I think in a way, it would say that you don't accept her. I would assume this would also be extremely important to your FH that she play not just a role, but a big role. You aren't just becoming husband and wife on your wedding day, you're also becoming a family, and you will be a step-mom and role model to this little girl.

I agree with the others that you should make it a point to spend quality time with your future step daughter and let her get to know you better. Also never say anything negative about her mother in front of her, because no matter what, she will always be her mother. Your FH definitely needs to speak with the mother about how inappropriate it is to be bashing you in front ...

Her daughter and that FH and you would never do such a thing. She doesn't have to like you, but she does need to accept that you will be a part of her daughter's life and you all need to be adults and do what's best for their daughter.

As far as her possibly misbehaving at the wedding, I say have someone around who will be able to watch her. If she does start acting up, you will just have to let it go as much as possible. It's out of your control. Hopefully though, she will be mostly excited about the wedding and will have a great time, because weddings are fun!

Good luck to you and hang in there!

I was in the same position. But i treated her just like i would my own and told her talking to me like that would not happen when she is in out house. Im including her in our wedding. The thing im worried about is her mother showing up to my wedding and making a scene. Im hoping that she will still be in rehab when we do the wedding.

Now do you have full custody or split custody of her. If you have the wedding during the time you have her than her mother has no say what you do with your time when you have her. Also your FH should have a talk with his daughter and tell her that it is not right to treat you that way. He needs to start putting his foot down if he doesnt now that kid will be a wild one when she gets older.

She is old enough that you can talk to her and explain that her mom says bad things about you because you are marrying daddy not because you are a bad person and that dad picked you to help him raise her because you are so great... something along those lines.... perhaps your FH can talk to her. I think this will bridge the gap and make you more comfortable with planning. This is a big change in her life, she is probably scared and you are there to replace her mother, you need to soothe her that you will never do that and you are here to help... she is 7, she doesn't understand marriages and divorces - to her, you are stealing her father.

I have/had the exact same issue. All I can say is that it takes time. And FH needs to step up and set things straight.

In the beginning, FHs kids wouldn't give me the time of day. The XW would tell the kids all sorts of things, and the situation was terrible.

Now things are better, and we behave as a family. But I also had to set things straight with FH as well. I told him that I wouldn't be comfortable in the "mom" role. The kids call me Jen, and we behave as friends. Now the kids and I are fine, and XW keeps her nose out of our business. FHs son is excited to be in the wedding, but we're still up in the air about his daughter participating. She will definitely be there, but we don't know if she's going to be a Jr BM or just a guest. At this point, we'll just have to get a dress for her off the rack at DB (to match the other BM dresses) or just get her a pretty dress to wear.

It's a tough situation, I know. Just be as patient as you can. Cont

But give her the option to be in, don't arbitrarily exclude her. Hopefully she'll come around.

Include her, because she is just a child. What she needs is a loving mother who is waaayyyyy better than what she's getting! My sister has been in the same boat as you are; her future step-daughter (also 7) has severe behavior issues when her mother is involved. BUT, my sister steeled herself and stayed consistent in her love and affection, even when she was secretly screaming in her head, and now JJ calls my sister "Mommy" and has majorly improved, even in school.

Years from now, your stepdaughter will look back at photos and memories and see the unconditional love you gave her, despite her mother's selfishness. And she will love you, because no matter what mommy says, she will still form her own opinions eventually. Again, she is only a small child, and she needs a steady maternal rock, not someone using her as a pawn. Be the better mother and refuse to play the mind-games!

(BTW my sister is 19....joined families when she was 17/18....if a teen can do it, you can too!