Guests of guests

Relationship seriousness isn't measured by the calendar. I know two people who were married three days after they met--and thirty years later were still married and going strong.

Husband and I got engaged after knowing each other three weeks, but it took quite a while to order the ring. So, under the one-year rule, we wouldn't have been a couple, though engaged. And, under no-ring-no-bring, we wouldn't have been a couple, though engaged.

If you want to know if two people are a serious couple, ask them. Just ask them. Use your words, not your stop watch.

View Quoted Comment That is not what I meant at all. But our guest list is getting a little out of control, so if it’s invite them together or not at all, I’d rather invite them knowing there are other people they will be able to interact with. But based on the large volume of responses I have received I understand that was wrong. I don’t need comments that are going to make me feel bad about it too, but I asked to find out proper etiquette so I would know. I’m trying to learn.

View Quoted Comment Here’s a thing though, and I’m not putting down your relationship, but I would expect MY family to tell me how crazy that was. I would want people to have a chance to get to know the person I’m going to marry. And if you’re truly that in love why do you need to rush a marriage? It’s not a thing to take lightly, and personally until my fiancée I haven’t had the best choices in relationships myself. I put a new boyfriend on as a guest to a friend’s wedding once, he told me that day that he didn’t think he was going to go. I spent that wedding angry at him and with my friends and forgot about him. But I wouldn’t have been offended if my friend had told me not to bring him.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for responding in a way that doesn’t make me feel like a jerk for even asking.

View Quoted Comment

We were 43 and 36; my closest friend had been working for him for four years and adored and respected him, so he came pre-vetted (and she'd told him about me for years, too); there were financial reasons for getting married soon; and we very much wanted to be married. Our families trusted us and were delighted (neither of us had been married before). We weren't taking it lightly and have been married 35.5 years.

This probably sounds defensive, and I'm sad about that, but there was no persuasive reason to wait.

We gave plus ones to everyone in relationship. If they are single, we did not. We have a very small amount of guests that are single & they are all family so it's not like they don't know anyone. One example is FH's younger brother. He will be a groomsmen, is away at college & hasn't been in a committed relationship. FH & I discussed that it really is not in our budget to pay for some random college girl we've never met to eat, drink & hangout for the night. So, no plus one.

We have already cut down our guest list quite a bit because we only want to share our day with those we couldn't see it without. We just don't think it would be fair to pay for people we have never met when we had to cut out people/family that we do know, just aren't very close with

(mostly 2nd cousins that are a lot younger & hardly ever see). The way we looked at it is that if someone is that upset about it, they can always RSVP "no". The only exception would have been if we had invited a guest who didn't really know anybody. Then they would receive a plus one. Thankfully, we don't foresee it being an issue with anyone who won't be getting one.

At the end of then day, it is your wedding & you can do it however you want, but it does get a little sticky when trying to decide how "serious" a relationship is.

View Quoted Comment I think that our real problem is that we got away from a wedding where we invite the people we couldn’t imagine our wedding without, to inviting people that we “should” because of this or that reason and I was trying to make up the difference. I know better now

The etiquette book answer is, if they are steadily seeing each other at the time you are addressing invitations, about 3 months out, you should ask your friend if they want the person invited. After invitations go out, if you missed someone with a long standing relationship, you should fix your error and invite the SO. But if they started dating after 12 weeks out when you were addressing things, you can give them one or not. You cannot keep making changes. You cannot tell how serious people are, by time dating. But a committed relationship, serious and not seeing other people, is the SO who must be included as a couple with the person you know, invited by name. Not an optional plus guest.

People make different assumptions about time and seriousness. Some people, particularly older people or those with previous long term relationships or marriages, know quickly. We did. And we never expected our parents to meet more than once before our wedding. And some of our sisters and brothers met me or FI, but our families never met till the wedding. NYC, and NH near Canada, we did not know if they would ever be more than happy to acquaintances. Not everyone involves family before they are serious. Or even then. So, no reason to wait, once we decided marriage was what we wanted, and we're ready for, shortly after we met. No one outside a relationship can tell, how serious two people are. It is difficult , and sometimes you need to ask people, when you are hostess for a wedding, and wondering, who is a couple, who is not.

Kaitlyn.

I had this very same dilemma. I had to draw the line somewhere, so guest who were married inevitably got a plus one, guest who were engaged also got a plus one. Everyone else got an invite for one. We are also doing a adult only wedding with the exception of my niece who will be about 2 weeks old when I get married, and my fiancé's niece who will also be about 5 months old, my flower girl who is also my god-daughter will be present. I pretty sure some people are upset but thats a personal problem of theirs. My guest can either attend and be happy for us or not attended and be upset that they didn't get a plus one. We didn't want strangers at our wedding and we definitely weren't going over our budget to accommodate others.

I don't see anything wrong with the route you're taking. Go for it!!

View Quoted Comment Well it’s nice to have someone see where I’m coming from. It’s hard being an adult when everyone we know is in some sort of relationship because then it’s about choosing who I want to invite over other people because they all have relationships

Like most people said we gave mostly if everyone plus ones.

As soon as they are exclusive and considered a significant other. I personally didn't think I had the authority to determine if a relationship was "serious enough" to include them as a plus one. So anyone with a significant other got the plus one to include them.

I am having a DW and I gave everyone a plus one, even if I don’t know them... no one likes to go to weddings alone, specially if they have a significant other.. I know I wouldn’t go alone.

View Quoted Comment What she said.

We gave a plus one to everyone. If a friend of hubby's showed up with a girl he met at Applebee's the week before, why do I care? As long as she is dressed, polite and sober I don't care!!

Any guest with a significant other should be invited with their significant other by name (not +1). You don’t have to include +1s for single guests.


The only exceptions I’d see to this are:

(1) if the relationship started AFTER you sent out invitations
(2) if they’re children under 18 and are attending with their families

I have never replied to a discussion thread but I figured this would be a good one to answer. This was something that stressed me out in the beginning of planning when coming up with a guest list!! So I get what you're going through! Both me and FH have HUGE families. With family members alone, we were already almost at capacity with guests so we had to make some tough decisions with the guest list. I agree with a lot of people that mention that guest's want to have a plus one with them, but at the end of the day, you need to make sure that you're family is there and you stay within your budget. When it came to plus ones, we invited married couples (regardless of if we met their spouse) and our close family/friends that had serious significant others (example, living together or together for a good clip of time, enough for us to know them by name). It's hard to give an exact amount of time people are together because its pretty impossible to actually know that for sure!! It also went by age, our younger guests (under 18) did not get a plus one, even if they were in a relationship. If someone really wants a plus one, they will reach out. I had two people message me after invites went out asking if they could bring a guest. I told them the truth, that it is nothing personal, but due to the number of family members that we invited, we were over capacity. But I would let them know if any seats opened up. Once all my RSVPS are in, if we are under the capacity, I will message those people that they are more than welcome to bring their plus one. Both guest's were very understanding and appreciated the honesty and that I would let them know as we get closer.

We offered a plus one to everyone but I would stick with anyone who publicly considers themselves in a relationship. I don't like judging the seriousness of other people's relationships. I did not include significant others of teens who are attending with their parents.

We had one guest where we send a Save the Date to him and "guest." By the time the wedding invites rolled around, he was dating a girl that had a daughter and they were pretty serious so all 3 were included. Everyone's relationships progress at different speeds.

My FH invited me to his cousin's wedding before we officially started dating. He officially asked me out on the day of the wedding. I was the random +1 who the bride & groom didn't know. Since his entire family welcomed me with open arms, we plan on allowing everyone (except young teens) a +1.