Guest List Stress

We had to slash our guest list by 50. I’d suggest to look first at how you’re handling +1’s. We only even considered +1’s for those who wouldn’t know anyone at the wedding. We also eliminated those we haven’t introduced to our future spouse, whether they were family or friends (which took care of a good portion of the guest list). We also asked ourselves whether this person was more or less likely to decline the invitation. If we had doubts, they were placed on the “B list”. There were many friends from college that we both would’ve liked to include, but we did have to make some tough choices. Ultimately, I am happy that our guest list is composed of people who have been tremendously supportive of our relationship & involved in our day-to-day lives.
One thing I am happy that we did as well: we sent the invites out a couple of months earlier that “etiquette” requires (we did this for many reasons) with an rsvp deadline 6 wks in advance. We had several rsvps printed with the date for response left blank. Should we receive any declinations, we will have plenty of time to send out invites to the b list. Hope this helps!

It is considered rude to B list, and often creates hurt feelings, so I wouldn't suggest that. I also wouldn't send invitations early, because people often don't know what they're available for very far ahead of time, and it often leads to yeses that are unable to come.

I would heed your family's advice. If you haven't had a meaningful conversation in a couple years, you don't need to send an invitation. You may still love these people, but you aren't likely to miss them on your wedding day (believe me - you're going to be insanely busy, you aren't going to miss people you haven't spoken with in years).

I agree to cut plus ones unless they're living together or have been exclusive for a long time (I'm probably going with 6 months for my own list). People here might say the length of time doesn't matter, but you need some kind of cut-off.


How many of those 150 are your parents' guests? If your mom is taking up 1/4 of the list with her church friends who you haven't seen since you were a kid, you need to have a discussion with her about that too.
Finally, you can use COVID to help you. A couple months out, request a copy of everyone's vaccine card; if they refuse or don't have one, they're not invited. This may vary depending on your state guidelines, but your venue may require or encourage something like this anyway.

This was definitely the most stressful part of planning! I grew up very traditional where you invite ALL of your family no matter what. Well. That’s not feasible. So I cut distant relatives who I didn’t have a strong bond with and only invited those I couldn’t imagine not being there. As far as friends go, these people mean a lot to me even if I haven’t spoken to them in years so I made room. It’s ok to have a SMALL B list of those you don’t mind waiting to send an invite to in case of declines. We have like 15 people on there and if we can’t end up inviting them it’s not gonna break my heart. But we would love to if we can. I definitely agree with looking at your plus one and kids included. Check with your venue and see what age child actually counts toward the guest count. For us, babies or any child not requiring a seat didn’t count. So that helped a little. Also placing a plus one on the b list helps too. Some of my old friends have a boyfriend and I just addressed the save the date to my friends and I’ll wait and see if we have room later to let them know if their new bf is invited or not. They would understand so it’s not a big deal. If someone has been dating for a LONG time or is engaged you HAVE to include them! I was HIGHLY offended when my distant cousin didn’t invite my fiancé. I wasn’t close with him (nor did I like him very much) but we are friends on Facebook and he likes my posts all the time so I KNOW he knew I was engaged. I didn’t go to his wedding. I wouldn’t have gone either way but I was just like wow.


Good luck tho! You’ll go over the list a hundred times, but at the end of the day, it’s y’all’s wedding so you shouldn’t have any regrets with who you invite or don’t invite. It’ll all be ok

We're kinda in the sam boat. I would say tho if you already extended the invite leave it as be and if you need a final number let those that really want to come remember to come to filter it out. If it's important to them they will remember to RSVP. If you're still crunching down to the wire then you're gonna have to go through who have really been there and support you and your partners relationship. Because that's who you want around you on your big day.

I would consider how many on the list account for children that you don't know. We decided to only include children on the invitation for those who we know and have a relationship with. I would also take into consideration that you will have people decline. Granted you won't know that until they rsvp but I think it's safe to give yourself a buffer.

If your list is more people than the venue can hold- then yes, you need to cut some people.

Your family members are absolutely correct! I personally find it odd if you haven’t spoken to someone in 5 years but now you want to touch base with them only because you’re getting married. So, were there no other times in the past 5 years when you felt the need to reach out to these “best friends” who you consider so special in your life? If individuals aren’t important enough for occasional conversations or the smaller activities in life (happy hour, brunch, shopping, hanging, etc.), then inviting them to your wedding just because you envision a “fairly sizable” event seems like they’re only invited for appearance. There are a lot of people we’ve loved in our past. But it doesn’t mean they get an invitation. Unfortunately, your budget and venue capacity simply aren’t in line with your vision. I would certainly eliminate those who you don’t have any recent connections with before cutting the +1 of someone you have a relationship with. The friends you haven’t communicated with in 5 years probably aren’t expecting an invitation anyway.

View Quoted Comment These are all great points. I have college friends who I haven't seen much since graduation (because of COVID, one studied abroad, one had a long hospital stay, etc.) But we have a group chat and talk/Zoom regularly, so of course I'm still inviting them. If you have barely talked to yours since, that's another story. Do you think they would invite you to their own weddings? If you invited them out to dinner, would they bother to come? It's a tough decision and lots of emotions at play, but if you're over capacity, these are things to think about..

We are having a smaller wedding and inviting 70 guests. I wanted to keep it even smaller, but it expanded. There are first cousins that are not invited as we have not spoken in over a decade. I went with the rule that if there hasn’t been a relationship in several years, they are excluded. 130 guests is a lot. Keep in mind that you won’t be able to spend time
With most of them.

View Quoted Comment Great ideas! Also- I hate when people say the B list is rude. 1. If you time it no one would know and 2. The only people I have on my B list are people that wouldn’t get their feelings hurt cos they understand how $$ weddings are and that I can’t invite 200 people. Also, I decided not to invite out of town family who most likely couldn’t afford to come anyways- I will send some of the non tech ones a wedding announcement and my cousins can see the wedding photos on social media. I’m totally copying your timing suggestion for invites.

Always prepare for 100% attendance and never invite more than capacity. Venues include the couple as part of the guest capacity so you have to consider that. Some also require that you count vendors for fire code reasons while others don’t count them.


Do not ever B List anyone because people know when they are the 2nd or 5th choice and would rather not be invited at all. It’s also very impolite in many social circles. People are aware of the standard 6-8 week time frame and they know when an invite comes super early or super late that you are B listing.
Make a list of those people who you cannot imagine the day without. Who are your absolute best friends and closest family you want to spend the day with? Those automatically are invited. Make a second list of those who are nice to have whim you can extend an invite to as you wish, but all invites are sent at the same time. A third list would be anyone you are obligated by others to invite whom you don’t care about. For example, parents’ friends and associates, relatives you have no relationship with, and so on. The third list does not get an invite. Parents already had their chance at planning and in older generations was the parents’ responsibility which is why so many try to live vicariously through kids, therefore they can host their friends at another time and they can create a tradition of a family reunion picnic that everyone contributes to also at another time.

Ugh I'm going through the same thing. You honestly just have to do it if you're set on the venue. I LOVE my venue so unfortunately people I wish I could invite can't come or I'll have to restrict plus ones.
What I did was make 3 lists. An A list of people who 100% have to come. B people I would love to come and then C people who I would like to come. After I did this unfortunately only the A & B list made the cut.

View Quoted Comment And I’d love to know those people who need less time to plan to attend a wedding lol….sadly nobody in my life. Receiving an invitation 6 wks in advance would increase the chances that I wouldn’t be able to attend because I’ve already booked the date. But I think that’s where you have to know your guests. I suppose if I had people on my guest list that did operate that way, I’d just send out their invitations later 🤷🏻‍♀️

View Quoted Comment Yeah I don’t have a lot of friends on the b list who would care that they got an invite 6 weeks before a wedding vs eight weeks. Throwing on clothes and showing up to a wedding isn’t too arduous for them: if they have a month and a half to plan. Blessing of laid back friends I guess.

View Quoted Comment After I made my first pass the C list is mostly family or friends who I know probably couldn’t make it or friends who have become more like acquaintances over the years. It was a useful tool for narrowing the list but I don’t think your C list ever really gets invited do they?

We are on a similar boat. My ceremony venue only holds 100 people, but my reception holds 150. We've set our "max" to 130 and I'm letting guests know that if they want to be part of the ceremony that they need to arrive at the early time or they will be turned away at the door. I'm letting my DOC be the bad guy. Both my fiance's niece (she's a wedding planner) and my coordinator have made me feel that inviting those extra 20 people (120 guests) to a destination wedding (no one on our guest list except for one couple lives where we are) is not a big deal and I will likely not hit 100 with 117 people invited. Is your 130 capacity both for the reception and ceremony? I honestly think most people really only care about the reception. I would say that only the people who are close to you will probably want to go to the ceremony and the others are just there for the party lol.

I read some responses some I am just reiterating what some people have already said but my venue told my fiancé and I not to count anyone under 5 because they're not going to eat the food and if they do, it will be so small that it won't make a difference. Maybe you have a situation like that. I know that takes at least 10 people off our list (although I still have them written down just in case they need high chairs or something which my venue does offer). I am 23 so not too many people I know have kids, they're just now starting too so it isn't as big of a chunk as people if I was say 28. But still. That's like $250 right there with the 10 kids I am saving right there.

Now if you don't want kids at the wedding maybe make that help cut people down. Before I found the venue I did I was worried I would have to do just that. I was going to make the wedding no kids except for obviously flower girls, ring bears, and my cousins. I have a big age gap between me and my cousins. My cousin closest in age with me is 6.5 years younger than me. My youngest cousin will be one in 6 weeks. So those kids were going to be the exception.

Hope this helps.

If your guest list is over capacity for your venue you dont really have a choice except to cut people. How many people contributed to the guest list? If its your parents, FH parents, FH and you, could you all commit to cutting 5 people each? That would take care of your overage and seems more manageable than you cutting all 20.

I would also recommend you not be at full max capacity of your venue. Generally thats what the fire dept will allow for safety, but it doesnt necessarily mean that its a comfortable fit for your guests. If everyone is going to be crammed and have no room to walk or dance is that what you really want for your day?

Maybe look into cutting it down to inviting only 120 and then hope that some people just dont show. Then each group of people who had input for the list can get rid of about 8 people. This could be children under a certain age, plus 1's, etc. It doesnt have the be the actual guest.

View Quoted Comment B-lists and not inviting spouses of guests is considered rude.


Definitely don’t overinvite over venue capacity! What if everyone says yes!? Those limits are based on fire code not preference by the venue. Also your vendors need to be included in the head count.