Groom got cold feet

@Maria

It's true, you don't have your whole life to wait. But you're 26, so there's no reason to worry about that at right this second.

It's reasonable for you to ask for a timeline though. It's fine to say to him that you want to be married by a certain age, and see if he thinks, with counselling and good communication, that he'll be ready by that point. For example, if you say that you want to be married a couple of years before you start having children, and you want to be finished having children by age 35, that means that you want to be married by 30. Is that realistic with his life plan? If not, are you willing to be flexible or would you be happier with someone else?

Two-way communication is really important here. You weren't wrong to tell him you wanted to get married; you were just wrong to rush it the way you did. He was also wrong for not laughing it off and saying, "Nope, not dong this here and now". You just need to build communication skills so these mistakes don't keep happening.

" My theory on waiting is that we will get money as wedding gifts that we can use towards a down payment." you're right you don't HAVE to have a house in order to get married. couples get married and go house hunting together afterwards everyday. If you already live together in an apartment you can renew your lease another year while you search for a home. It does seem like him bringing up a house was to stall the process out a little longer. I def think you two need to have a serious conversation.

You people in here are very judging we have been through some heavy stuff together, we move together one month after we met cause I was having difficult time at my dad house so I didn't have anywhere to go I worked part time at Walmart 8.25 an hour that wasn't enough to pay a rent , so we decided to move together in a foreign country, and a language that is not ours, and everything we are and have right now, is because of us, because our hard work and sweat. I came to this country with 21 years knowing nothing about this country or how it worked , I support him on his decision to leaving his full time job to study to be a barber and follow his dream. So trust me I'm an adult if my mom or grandma back in my country see me they wouldn't recognize the little girl they saw back to the day I came to this country.

Maria,

I feel for you. I get struggling, but marriage is not going to fix your problems.

If he left his job to go to school and you make close to min wage, a wedding is likely the last thing you need to spend money on.

Take a deep breath, relax and know you have your life a head of you. Focus on building a life. Also you can have a marriage without a wedding......

Good luck.

Maria,

I feel for you. I get struggling, but marriage is not going to fix your problems.

If he left his job to go to school and you make close to min wage, a wedding is likely the last thing you need to spend money on.

Take a deep breath, relax and know you have your life a head of you. Focus on building a life. Also you can have a marriage without a wedding......

Good luck.

It's really hard to read your posts. It does sound like he wants to marry you, but the issue here is that he wants the two of you to be secure. Which actually is not an issue at all. Wanting to have a home before marriage is not a bad thing. I mean it really is not ideal to get married and live with your parents. I really think you need to be on the same page as him, and understand that his concerns are for the best interest of your relationship.

The big issue I have with your post is you saying "I started planning the venue... I even get two vendors..." Why is it all you? A wedding involves two people and both should be involved in planning. You should never be surprised by something your groom is not comfortable with because he should be there with you helping to make the decisions. He doesn't sound at all like he has cold feet, but I'm sure he has the reasonable expectation that the two of you plan together.

My advice to you is to stop making decisions for the two of you. Have a discussion with him and don't do anything else without him. Consider extending your engagement to give yourselves time to save for a home and be diligent with saving. My FH and I are purchasing a home prior to our wedding and have calculated a certain amount to save from each paycheck to allow us to comfortably begin house hunting in December. You need a plan and need to develop that plan together.

Point blank, sounds like your boyfriend is a passive individual who has lived his life up until this point sans any spine or the ability to stand up for himself. You forced him to pay for jewelry you couldnt afford, he buys you it, it suddenly becomes an engagement ring, you demand he propose, you set a wedding date all on your own, you plan venues and a reception all on your own, and hes just along for the ride because its the path of least resistance. At what point in any of this have you honestly considered what *he* wants? You just keep talking about what you want, that you're hurt - its all about you. You dont mention his feelings or wishes at all.

Sounds to me like he woke up and realized this is serious stuff, found his spine, and is trying to tell you as nicely as possible that he is NOT here for it. Dude has no desire to marry you - not now, and if we're being honest, possibly not ever. Cut your losses, move on, and think seriously in the future about what it means to have a relationship built on mutual respect and communication.

I know it sucks to feel like you are being judged, but you have to understand why... we don't know you, we don't know your situation. All we know is that you couldn't afford jewelry, asked you boyfriend to put it on his credit card, convinced him to buy an engagement ring even though he wasn't ready at all and then told him to get down on one knee.... on paper that sounds pretty wild..... honestly, i think that sales person took advantage of you guys not being from this country and that's a real shame... I know a lot of sales people will pitch a good sale and convince people to get things they don't want/need. My fbil walked out of jewelry store with the biggest, ugliest and overpriced engagement ring because a sales person talked him in to it...

I suggest you go to counseling so that someone can help you both openly communicate what your wants and needs are and see if you two can get on the same page for your future. I'm glad you told him he can do it when he is ready. But you can also ask him what he sees for you two in the future and what his goals are so you can see if your goals match with his.

My fiancé and I both wanted to own a home before we got married. We've been engaged for over 2 years while we plan the wedding and get ready to purchase our house. There is nothing wrong with taking your time and meeting goals before marriage. And maybe worry less about having a wedding,which can be pricey, and just plan something small, like a courthouse, so that you can afford to pay for more important things.

I commend you both on working as hard as you have to get to where you are. It sounds like he wants to be more secure in your situations before moving forward. It also sounds like he actually wasn't ready to propose when you two got engaged. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. And it also doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you. But perhaps things just are moving at a different speed than what he is comfortable with. My FH wasn't ready for seven years. And frankly, I wasn't sure he was ready when we got engaged. But now, as I'm actively planning for the wedding, he is quite involved. If he doesn't want to talk about it at all then I'd take a step back, try and talk to him and sort things out. You certainly don't have to have a house to get married. All of my married friends purchased houses after getting married. But if he's wanting to purchase a house with you then it doesn't seem like he's looking for a way out of the relationship. He's just may not be ready for that step. My advice is to let him tell you when he's actually ready and take a major step back, reevaluate and have a serious conversation about the direction of your relationship and goals. I understand your desire to be married but you're still young. You have plenty of time.

I refuse to ever use punctuation on this thread for the mere fact that apparently when a woman is having a nervous breakdown about her future it's more important that she use a comma than seek guidance wtf

It's easier to offer advice when you can actually understand the thread to begin with @Julie

So I have nothing against people who buy houses together before they are married. But if you were ALREADY engaged and planning a wedding and now he suddenly doesn't feel ready, there is no way in hell I would buy a home together. Having a home together shouldn't change the fact that he wants to call you his spouse.

ETA: just read the rest of the comments. I honestly have no words. lol good luck!!

I'm loving @O&S today!

OP, if you can't wait to be married then you need to check out. This dude has a lot of pressure on him from you and it's only because you want to get married. You both have to be on the same page, not buy a ring and go GOT on him. I've been with my FH for 7 years and we didn't get engaged until last year. Please just enjoy your time together and take marriage off the table for awhile. A long while.....

I would hold off on the planning. This is beyond just cold feet. You need to have a serious conversation with him. Regardless, it is clear he does not want to get married as of now.

Omg... i will start of in Spanish because i see that English is not her first language..

Mujer.. no puedes aser que alguien te proponga matrimonio eso sale de si mismo,cuando alguien te ama esta listo para el siguiente paso lo asen de corazon,cuando uno los forsa muchas y lo asen ..lo asen por q los forsas y no por q lo sienten si su sueno es ser barber deja q logre su meta y apoyalo, no agas que se fastidie de ti insinuando el matrimonio cada rato. Tienes mucho tiempo y si no se a ido ahorita es por que te ama asi que dale su tiempo. No te pongas el titulo de prometida por que no eres mejor ya no digas nada y veras que solito el lo sacara ala mesa. Los hombres se artan y fastidian asi que ya no lo mensiones...suerte

This will be a translation so it will look off lol (dont judge lol)

Girl... you cant force no one propose to you.. proposing comes out of them on their own.When someone loves you they know when they are ready to take the next step its comes from the heart.. dont force him to propose because when you force them they just do it because You force them and is not meant..if his dream is to be a barber help him reach his dream. Dont let him get so fed up with your wedding ideas.. When he is ready he will do it... you have lots of time in life .

Maria, you posted here seeking advice. People aren't casting judgment on you, personally. They're judging the situation based on what information you give us, which is why most people post here to begin with; to get some judgment on a situation they are struggling with.

Based on their assessments, you've been given some good advice. It sounds in the best interest in your relationship to slow down on the wedding plans and have a heart-to-heart with your FH.

"I don't have the whole life to wait." Maria, you are 26, a quarter of a century old. A quarter! Not half, not three-quarters; a quarter. There is no set time to get engaged, be married, etc. It is different for everyone.

Faith seems important to you, so I'll write this as something to keep in mind: God has a plan for everyone. He works in mysterious ways. Don't rush his work, let it happen.

Tocaya, los demás comentaristas tienen razón. Tu novio no parece estar listo. Devuélvele la sortija. No digo que lo dejes pero deja que el hombre te proponga matrimonio en el momento apropiado. Así será más especial. Las bodas son caras pero como ustedes son miembros de una iglesia pueden tener una ceremonia íntima allí. Yo tengo 26 también y la realidad es que sí tenemos mucho tiempo todavía. A veces no parece cuando los demás están teniendo hijos antes que nosotras pero eso no es lo ideal siempre. Ahora, no te digo que esperes años y años para que tu novio esté listo. Evalúa la situación. Si tú ves que él no puede darte lo que necesitas, no dudes en dejarlo. A veces las cosas no funcionan. Pero háblalo bien. No te cases con él ahora.

@julie- lol, so true. It's really not that difficult to comprehend what OP is saying even without commas. Since everyone on here is supposedly just trying so hard to help, why not take an additional 30 seconds to re-read the original question, or take the time to read the prior 10 comments that already told OP her question was hard to read? Or don't spend time finding a meme about how you've been so inconvenienced by having to ask questions and give advice on an ADVICE FORUM...

Just here to say I'm loving all the Spanish being whipped out in this post!