Future Husband is being negative about everything wedding related

Eh, I have mixed feelings about those who say "he should be contributing to the wedding". If you are living together and he is paying all the bills so that you can pay for the wedding, then in essence he is paying too. Otherwise, if you are contributing to the bills and then he is taking the portion he would have paid to the bills and putting it toward the wedding, then it is really the same thing.

For example, if you give him $500 for bills and then he takes $500 from his account and puts it towards the wedding, then you are both paying. It's basically just shifting money around from one account to another. If you were paying for EVERYTHING, such as the home bills and the wedding, then he wouldn't be contributing, but this doesn't appear to be the case.

My H paid for all the household bills when we were planning the wedding, and I took money from my paycheck and put it toward the wedding. That doesn't mean I alone paid for the wedding, it just meant that I didn't have to worry about paying the mortgage, and I could just focus on the wedding. We still had a number we wanted to stay at, and we actually managed to stay under by almost $3000. Now the money that I was putting toward the wedding each month just goes to a savings account for us, for vacations, emergencies, larger purchases, etc.

However, if you are stating to people that "you" are paying for the wedding, then maybe he is feeling insecure and that is what is causing him to have the reaction that he does.

I definitely also suggest counseling to get at the root of the problem, as well as to set you guys up for good communication skills later in life.

FH and I didn't live together before we were married so during our seven month engagement we were planning a wedding and buying a house and furniture. Buying a house brings up all kinds of marriage talk. (For example, I wanted an office area so when we have kids the bedrooms could be theirs and not an office. That helped us dream about our four kids that we want and and if we would have bunk beds and stuff like that.) So to talk about marriage, talk about dreams and how you see them playing out. Get specific about life after the wedding and into the future.

Something that became an issue too is that our time together was spent doing wedding planning, house buying, furniture shopping, and H was in a job transition. So we had to have regular "no shop talk" date nights where we would do something fun and talk about things not having to do with weddings and houses and jobs. It helped keep us close.

A lot of people have put forth great advice and suggestions. I agree with Celia 100%.

I wanted to add that this sounds very much like my abusive Ex who fixated so much on money (yet contributed nothing financially) but I later realized that it was just a tactic to diminish any semblance of happiness I had. Not that we planned a wedding together or anything. Thank god.

This isn't really someone you should be considering marrying quite yet if he reacts like this.

Sorry you're feeling this way OP. I had similar issues with my FH in the beginning. We would get in little scuffles here and there until he finally straight up told me he really doesn't want to be apart of planning and I just had to accept it. It's not that he's not excited about getting married, it's just he honestly doesn't care about tiny details, colors, what lace is best, etc. Most men just aren't wired that way....and I totally get it. If he talked about what type of wheels he should pick out for his car for 6 months straight, I'd go a little bonkers as well.

So for us, we established our budget, and I am to do whatever I wish, as long as I stay in the budget...

I did give my FH a few things to be responsible for (honeymoon planning & groomsmen attire), but we don't discuss wedding details unless he asks specifically or if I update him on major milestones. I don't ask for his opinion, I just let him know I've done "X". Things such as:

- I bought my dress today!

- I've ordered our invitations!

Y'all may have different personalities, but for us this has really helped.

He sounds quite a bit like my FH. I was so freaking excited and when I was talking to a photographer, FH said absolutely no engagement photos. I was hurt because I have been planning this forever! He and I would even joke about different engagement pictures to do. He had been engaged previously, about 6-7 years ago. We've been together almost 5. Turns out, her leaving, all started the day of the engagement shoot in his eyes. He's actually been having crazy nightmares about me leaving ever since the planning has started. We talked it out. Worked it out. We opted to save the money instead of E-pics, and he's letting me make 95% of the decisions. He was definitely concerned about photographer price, but my parents have been saving since the day I was born, and this photographer was highly recommended and half the price of what they expected, so they made the decision since it's their wallet. Point is, yes, we have all been dreaming about our weddings, but each person and each couple is different. I would ask him why he is reacting that way, if it's not him not wanting to get married. You're going to have many points in your marriage that you disagree on.

I agree with others who have mentioned the many different ways of paying for weddings; one person paying all the living expenses, the other contributing their income to the wedding savings. It really depends on what works for the couple.

That's not the big issue here; the big issue is his attitude and the way he chooses to express the emotions he's feeling; through sarcasm, dismissiveness and disinterest (I'm connecting the dots here, and I could wrong. If I am, I apologize...).

One of the things I read the most often, in my couples' questionnaires, is that "my partner always puts me first; they would do anything to make me happy". Without that singular commitment, made every day, a marriage is doomed. Marriage isn't meeting half way; it's each person going all the way because it gives them joy to make their partner happy. For some, its flowers or Starbucks...for others, its doing the dishes, remembering key dates in the relationship, never finishing the ice cream. (For others, it's buying your partner an all in pass to the NYC Math Conference and for them to understand that you won't go at gunpoint.... not that I have any experience with this...)

However it's manifested, it's the overriding, consistent placement of your partners needs and wishes over your own. (I'm not talking about giant things like moving to Alaska or having and raising children; those are, obviously, actions that require a lot of conversation and compromise....)

There just seems to be a fundamental lack of that kind of concern here.....

Goodness gracious. Don't listen to everyone telling you how their marriages work. You two are your own couple. Try talking it out and sharing feelings and go from there. Good luck!

@ceila I agree I have always said that marriage is NOT 50-50 it should be 100-100 each person giving 100% and not expecting anything in return its not tit for tat...

@ Samantha she came here for advice and that is what she received Great Advise and how people give advise is thru personal experience... telling her to NOT listen to others great advise is not helpful at all.

Who, praytell, should she listen to Samantha? She came to ask opinions because her situation isn't working for her. And she got great advice.

Samantha... why would/should someone be perfectly ok in a relationship where their partner speaks to them in such a way? Why should they want to accept that kind of behavior? Regardless of how their bills are split, which is none of our business, the way he is behaving and his comments are NOT ok.

If my FH was so dismissive and belittling towards OUR WEDDING, there'd be no planning at all until, If possible a resolution was made. If no resolution could be made, the wedding planning would be on hold...permanently.

No pay, no say :o. eta...Seriously, Id be concerned about paying/planning the wedding solo.

It sounds like he (possibly) wants to prepare for married life as that is what will last a lifetime. Maybe he sees the things about the wedding trivial until you work on the foundation of your marriage? However, he isn't expressing it in the best way...

There are many marriage prep books (Things I wish I'd known before we got married by Gary Chapman was my favorite book I read on the subject--short and to the point) or premarital counseling. Communication is key, and it seems like that may be an area you both need some work.

Ok first things first.....you two need to talk....he needs to explain what he wants from you...why it bothers him when you are discussing wedding plans, and what does he mean he makes the statement about talking about the marriage. One he answers those questions then you can get a game plan to more forward from. HE could be overwhelmed...One of the most stressful things in life is buying a house, then add an engagement ring, etc.....Did you have any time in between the announcement of your engagement until you hit the ground running with the wedding? Perhaps he needs some time to be engaged before jumping into everything. I would suggest counseling but at least if he can answer the first questions then you can at least figure out what the main issue is. Perhaps only talking about the wedding a couple days a week will help but until he explains his reasons, the comments to you etc then you cannot really move forward.

First off, I would like to say congratulations with a little advice. If you feel at anytime that he does not want to do this, do not under any circumstances force him. I know that most men don't like to be involved in the intricate details of wedding planning. Therefore, knowing how he feels about it, perhaps this is something you should discuss with your female friends and relatives. However, you have to determine whether this is something that he genuinely wants to do or is it something that you want done and imposing it on him. I know it seems glamour like to have a wedding but it is deeper than just getting married. You need to know that this man is someone that will support you in whatever you chose or want to do. This is supposed to be your life long partner. If he is not supportive now regarding an important milestone in your life, what about when things start getting rough? Their will be rough times. Will he be able to support you in important decision making or is he just going to leave you hanging? You must know these things before you get married to him. I understand that finances are a bit out of wack right now. However, he can contribute a little bit our of his check each pay period towards something. If not, he needs to contribute some support at the very least. Think about it. I am not trying to be harsh but giving you something to ponder about. I hope that you think this through, have a serious talk with him about your concerns and make a decision. Good luck to you...

Many men are very involved in wedding planning. It's no excuse.

I know you are in the wedding business Celia. So, your expertise does mean a lot as you are an expert in this area. However, most of the men that I know (and I know a lot of men from different walks of life, careers, religions, cultures, etc) do not care about the intricate details of a wedding. They will help. The will contribute. They will even listen to what you have to say (which is definitely a must in a relationship). However, do they want to do it??? Hell NO! The problem with this lady is that her FH does not seem as if he wants to compromise a bit to help out with the wedding plans. It's deeper than the wedding. It's communication that's lacking. The question is does he want to do this or not? This is what should be determined before she moves forward.

Totally right on the last part.

It sounds like he might be stressed about finances and worried that the two of you aren't on the same page. If you are going to be joining finances (and to some extent already have since you are living together) money that goes towards the wedding is money that is not going towards the mortgage or savings or other future needs/wants. Did you agree on a budget together that you are both comfortable with? Premarital counseling is probably a good idea and finances is one of the big things that is generally covered.

@FB99 ....I said MOST not ALL! Generalizing would be if I said ALL! I said most. This is my truth with the men that I know and I know a lot of men ranging from family, friends, co workers, friends of friends, etc. Even on this very post, their are women stating that their men are not interested in the planning process. It depends on the man. However, I stick by my comment 100% because this is my experience with the people I know. Just because they are helping out does not mean that they are interested. They are being supportive (which I am sure that all of us can agree is what we want). Do you think that most men care about whether the interior of the reception hall has crystal glasses and pink satin table cloths? Most men DO NOT! Will MOST men be supportive of their future wives because they know it is important to them? Most will and some will assist with certain things but not be as involved as much as FW wants him to be. That's what I have seen for most of my life.