Future Husband is being negative about everything wedding related

One other sidenote is that I am paying for everything. I have been saving up for a while so we could pay for everything without taking out a loan so I'm confused why he keeps bringing up that everything costs too much.

I’m sorry OP. FH and I are both excited about getting married but he could careless about the details. One thing that has helped us is to set aside 1-2 days a week and reserve that for wedding talk. I don’t bring up wedding stuff daily, nor do i send tons of texts about it every day. I send a text or email on those days with proposals, links and such that we’ll go over for that week and make decisions. However he’s never been dismissive about it, nor has he been mean about it.

I’d sit FH down and try to explain how hurtful his behavior is.

ETA: why is he not helping out financially??? It’s YOUR wedding, as in both of yours.

He sounds just lovely. You're paying, he wants nothing do do with it..... this isn't really the way people who care about the people they're with, "five languages' be damned. It's not "not being romantic"....it's being aware of your partner and to SOME extent, taking joy in them taking joy.

There is something going on here beyond wedding planning and it's something that could worm its way into the rest of your life. Counseling?

He recently bought a house and I moved in with him about 6 months ago. The mortgage is high and he's still adjusting to paying it and then he also paid for the engagement ring. I contribute but he pays a lot more so I felt I should cover the majority of the wedding.

It sounds like you are paying cause it’s important to you not cause it makes financial sense.

Honestly, it shouldn’t matter if he bought a house, if you both want a wedding, you should both contribute.

His behavior and belittling of it would have me not paying a dime on a wedding.

Honestly your situation sounds similar to mine right after FH and I were engaged.. I was SOOoOoOoo excited so I was looking up everything and was so excited to tell him about stuff (without realizing that he could care less about the little luggage tags I was considering for favors) it actually caused a pretty big argument (ours wasn't about the financial piece of it just about how that's all I talked about) but after the two of us talked I realized that both of us were on two pages.. we both wanted to marry eachother however he didn't care about every single detail and he felt that wedding planning was taking over our relationship.. so now we can talk wedding planning but it's not all the time and i just make sure he is in the mood for it.. i suggest really having a heart to heart with him and telling him how important this is for you.

My fh could care less about the minor details either. It was frustrating. Like @hisbeauty did, i cut back on wedding talk to a minimum of twice a week. He was never really negative but I could tell his interest was elsewhere. It's nice that you had saved up some money But... your fh should still be helping financially. Once he sees how much nice things are he'll probably understand why the details matter so much

FH probably doesn’t care are every detail but he cares about me. He rather learn the different flowers that make up our centerpieces than watch me stress about it. And he gives two shits about flowers

There's bigger problems than flowers and photographers if you feel he is intentionally trying to bring down your happiness. Agreed with counseling. You two aren't communicating well or working as a team, right now.

Thank you all for the feedback. I will try that plan of cutting down the talking about it to twice a week and possibly counseling. Sometimes we struggle understanding each other so counseling could be good.

Something that keeps coming up with him is that I am not talking about our future marriage. I'm not sure what to talk about because I feel our lives will be mostly the same since we already live together. The only thing I think that will change is that we will most likely combine our finances and potentially start talking about raising a family together in a few years.

During the wedding planning did you have to have a lot of discussions about your marriage? I feel like the main focus is on wedding planning right now because there is so much to do but is there some other things that we should be talking about?

We talk about how we think married life will be, how we could prank the other one. We talk about anything and everything. Music, movies, tv shows, silly memes. We always talk, and never struggle to find things to talk about.

You should definitely talk about the future, goals, dreams bucket list items.. you should both be on same page and such.

ETA: clarification

No I meant specifically if there are marriage related topics that we need to talk about.

We have plenty of other things to talk about but when I bring up the wedding he says that I should be talking about the marriage and not the wedding but I'm not exactly sure what to talk about when he says that.

DH and I have been together for six years. We still have tons to talk about. We frequently talk about our goals and dreams for our marriage, family and future. There's lots of "things you should talk about before you get married" articles out there. Maybe start there.

You need to have more to talk about than a wedding because soon enough, the wedding will be over. Good luck, OP!

ETA: saw OPs last comment. Talk about finances, children, careers, family, religion, politics. Basically, figure out if you two want the same things or if you don't. And if you don't, is that something you both can live with?

My advice:

1) Couples counseling for communication issues.

2) Premarital counseling to start working on the conversations related to the marriage vs the wedding.

3) Regarding the above, look for premarital/books on marriage. Read them, discuss them. This will also bring about marriage/relationship discussions + help with communication. Win-win! I'm sure WW has recommendations.

4) Set aside x1 day a week (or every other) to discuss wedding plans. Not a whole day, but a set period of time where you both sit down and discuss the wedding. Some people aren't into planning, but at least ask his thoughts on x or if he ever thought about y.

5) Try to come to an agreement on your wedding plans. He's pulling one way, you're pulling the other. Say you want a big, fancy cake, but he wants something simple. Go with a happy medium. Also, not sure if you two set up your budget yet, but maybe setting x-amount of dollars towards each wedding element ought to help both of you come up with a happy medium, too.

Also, this being said, if you help to arrange it so you're also conversing about the marriage as he wants in addition to the wedding, he should be able to give a bit in regards to the wedding planning.

And if he doesn't, well, that's why couples' counseling is first on my list.

Good luck, OP!

I feel like those are all things we have talked about over the last three years and we know that we want mostly all the same things in life and I feel like we still talk about them regularly. I guess I feel like when he says I should talk about marriage and not the wedding, it feels more like a way of saying to just stop talking about the wedding.

Thanks for the advice Jay, I especially like the idea of getting a book that will bring up some things we should be talking about. Sounds like it could be a fun way of spending time together.

I will be the first to say that it's no ones business as to way your paying for your wedding and he's not contributing. If that's what you and him decided to do that's between the both of you. However I would suggest maybe a small wedding nothing to big. Something with just only the people that mean a lot to the both of you. That will cut the cost down and less talk about it which leads to less stress on the both of you.

Side note: I also recommend couple counseling just to iron out all the small or major issues you both have in your relationship (not saying you both have any). My FH and I have done it before we decided to set a wedding date and it was the best thing!!!

Good luck to the both of you!!!

William, I understand what you’re saying, however, if it didn’t matter or bother her, then OP wouldn’t have pointed it out. It seems it does bother her a bit. If it truly doesn’t matter, then it wouldn’t have been mentioned.

It doesn't really bother me, I would like it if he said he wanted to help out with one item maybe but just because it would be sweet gesture to show he's interested to me. The reason I posted it was because I thought when people read my post they would just say something like "maybe your picking things out of his budget"