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Katie
Just Said Yes April 2021

Friend dropped me after i told her she’s not a bridesmaid

Katie, on December 18, 2020 at 2:17 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14
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Hi everyone,
Need some advice/venting about bridesmaid drama.

I have a friend I’ve had for a very long time, since before high school. She’s always been supportive- physically attending my life’s important events and achievements. I’m close with her family and they treat me as their own. Over the past couple of years, she’s been really mean towards me- making fun of what I wear, pushed my ex boyfriend, coughed on me (on purpose) when she was sick....these are just a few examples of her immature and bullying behavior. Because of this, I’ve distanced myself from her.
It’s complicated because this friend, myself, and a few other friends are all a “group”. Fast forward to getting engaged, I chose not to have her as a bridesmaid. I thought I’d call her to tell her the news, which was really hard. She was obviously hurt, saying she’s been there for me through everything...I told her I appreciate her friendship and that I want her to be apart of all my future festivities. Well, 2 of my bridesmaids are from this said “group.”
Every since I told her she’s not a bridesmaid, she’s basically dropped me as friend. She treats me totally different- like an acquaintance. She hasn’t said she’s coming to my bachelorette or even my wedding. I sent her a little Christmas gift in the mail and she didn’t ever say thank you. Me and a friend from the “group” were both were sick these past few weeks, and she sent this friend a get well card. I feel stupid for even sending her something because clearly she doesn’t care.
Our friendship died all because I didn’t put her in my wedding. I feel so icky, the situation makes me feel like I did something wrong. I now feel somewhat responsible for the weird disruption and dynamics change in our friend “group.” But I know I’m not!!!
Anyone experienced something similar? Thoughts? Advice?


14 Comments

Latest activity by Annika, on December 21, 2020 at 7:16 PM
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    That is common unfortunately. You didn't do anything wong. She is wrong to assume she would automatically fill that position, but the post-announcement behavior, as well as her being mean to you prior sounds like a blessing to rid yourself of toxicity. Grieve how you need to because some friendships do die unfortunately. But if someone is habitually mean for any period they don't deserve the honor of being a bridesmaid, no matter how long you were close to them before that.
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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    You didn't do anything wrong. If my friend was acting the way she has been towards you, I wouldn't have her as a bridesmaid either. Your closest and dearest friends should be the ones that are in your bridal party. I agree with Michelle that it was wrong for her to assume that she would be in the bridal party, and the way she's acting out is a clear sign that this friendship has ran it's course. Your feelings are valid, and losing a friendship is hard regardless of the circumstances, so it's okay for you to allow yourself to feel sad and icky.

    One of by bm's has an older sister, and we all grew up together from birth. I'm much closer to the younger sister mainly because the older one is not the nicest person, and can be cruel. We just drifted apart once we went to college, that's when her younger sister and I got closer. I've noticed that the older sister will rarely interact with me when we see one another, and I'm sure it's a result of my choice, but it just shows me that she cares more about treating me like a stranger than actually asking me if there was a problem between us. Her actions confirmed my decision and I'm confident that I made the right decision.

    I'm sorry you're going through this, but again, let yourself feel what you're feeling, but don't let this overtake you as a person. Sending hugs!

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  • Lisa
    Super October 2021
    Lisa ·
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    I've never really had any close friends so I've never been in your situation. I think it is natural for people to be hurt if they aren't included in a bridal party, especially if they feel they are close to the bride/groom or for some reason feel entitled. My fiancé has a lot of friends, some who say they are his best friend, but he doesn't necessarily feel the same, but is still close with them. One friend in particular is upset because he's not the best man; my fiancé choose his childhood best friend, which was an no brainer for him. We are only have one person on each side, so there wasn't another place for him but to be a guest. This friend even told his family how upset he is and every time my fiancé sees them, they make a comment. It's not fair that people think they are entitled to something that is solely your decision and try to make you feel bad about it.

    But, in your situation, it seems as though she wasn't the best friend towards you recently, especially with her actions you mentioned. Why should you or why would you want someone like that standing by you on one of the most important days of your life? Seems like you may be better off with out her and I, personally, would not invite her to the wedding or pre wedding activities/parties. Good luck!

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  • Katie
    Just Said Yes April 2021
    Katie ·
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    Michelle, thank you. I agree completely- I’m eliminating toxicity for sure. It is hard because I am the only one she seems to act this way around. She doesn’t treat our other friends like this.
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  • Lauren
    Expert July 2021
    Lauren ·
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    It sounds to me your friendship died before the wedding. Her behavior is not something that enhances your life. It’s immature and no matter the reason for it, she needs to go. Someone is never your “friend” if they are not making a part of your life better no matter how long they have been around.


    You may feel guilty because of the closeness of the past but your own happiness is worth more than drowning in a toxic friendship.
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  • Felicia
    Savvy May 2021
    Felicia ·
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    It sounds like the friendship was spiraling down before you got engaged (no fault of yours). I too lost my best friend, partly prior to me planning my wedding and during. The unfortunate is that everyone, even the ones that were once closest to us don't always get to continue on our journey. Don't blame yourself for doing what seemed to be inevitable. You will have an amazing wedding, starting your new life and the ones that love and support you will be right there with you.
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    The trash took itself out.


    Why and how did you ever stay friends with her? She PUSHED your ex and purposely COUGHED on you, which would have been unacceptable even if she wasn't sick.
    You need to set higher standards for friendship. She didn't just bully you, she committed 2 batteries.
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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    You took the words right out of my mouth.


    The connection was already on the decline and the simple convenience of being around someone doesn’t mean that 2 people are true friends. Sometimes YEARS is all that people really have.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    You didn't do anything wrong.
    I understand how she feels hurt. I was super hurt when one of my besties from university didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. I was mature about it. I laugh now bc I was the only friend from her circle who atrended her bridal shower and baby shower. She barely has any contact with her bridesmaids while we talk a lot more often.
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  • RaylaSan
    Expert February 2021
    RaylaSan ·
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    First of all, I want you to understand that you did nothing wrong in regards to what happened. And unfortunately, I don't think there's a real way to remedy the situation and the relationship you have with your friend. Maybe try talking to her one last time, and explain your feelings to her, but I highly doubt that's going to make things magically better between you guys. Still invite her to the wedding of course, and if she still cares about you than she'll try going.

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  • Mrs. Coakley
    Master June 2017
    Mrs. Coakley ·
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    If she was treating you poorly before you even got engaged, it sounds like she wasn't much of a friend to begin with. Good riddance!

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  • Allie
    VIP November 2021
    Allie ·
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    She’s lucky you were even nice enough to tell her and still try to maintain a friendship like that. If that were me, I would’ve called her out on her crap when she was doing it and then said this is why you aren’t a member of my bridal party (I’m very confrontational though...I know a lot of people aren’t!). To me it sounds like that relationship has been over, both for you and for her. Some people thrive off of having someone else to make miserable and you don’t need to be that person for anyone. While it might be hard because you do think of the good times you’ve had before, I think it’s time to move on from this friend as she doesn’t sound like a real friend to me.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    She may be having a mild snit, a low grade tantrum. But like walking round stomping your feet and slamming doors to it may not carry over long term.
    Wait and see. She is learning all over again that she is one of your many friends, Not head and shoulders above all others. And she has been taking y hereour friend ship for granted, like you will still be there, however she treats you. Respond if she makes a nice overture, but til then ignore her.
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  • Annika
    Expert November 2020
    Annika ·
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    You did nothing wrong!! I had 4 bridesmaids when I first started and i ended up with one. (who only came because of family commitment, shes my cousin and her family was there otherwise she wouldnt have bothered to show up. In fact she never even said bye when she left the wedding. 🙃) One bridesmaid ghosted and blocked me on all platforms, my MOH was not able to come due to surgery, college graduation, living overseas and covid, one bridesmaid decided to cut me off 2 WEEKS before the wedding, (good riddance 😑) and then when I recommected with a good friend and asked her to be my bridesmaid, she accepted then declined after two weeks. Honestly, it SUCKS and hurts so bad (and I know especially because I have no friends) but in the end, if they cant support you when you need them the most, its not worth the friendship anyways.
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