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Just Said Yes July 2021

Friend angry with me - help!

Beth, on March 7, 2020 at 4:12 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8
Ok, so this might be a bit of a long message sorry! I’m in the UK so I don’t know if customs are different but here you tend to have close family and friends to the ceremony and wedding breakfast and then your other friends to the reception. I used to be super close to this girl in university like joined at the hip close. When we left we moved 6 hours away and our friendship drifted apart. At first I would visit her every few months but she always had an excuse for why she couldn’t make the effort to see me. One time I went to the city she’s in to see some friends she doesn’t know. I told her I was coming but that I didn’t think I would be able to visit her due to seeing these other friends. She said she was fine with it but then when I was actually in the same city she sent me some really horrible messages saying how mean I was and how left out she felt etc. We then didn’t speak to each other for a year. About a year later she messaged me out of the blue saying ‘hey how are you’ and we carried on like nothing had ever happened. I don’t feel as close to her after we didn’t talk for a year as I feel like she blew it all out of proportion and was acting very childish. So I got engaged 2 weeks ago and she messaged me a week later asking if her and her bf (who I’ve never met) are invited? I should’ve replied I have no idea as I haven’t booked a venue yet but me being stupid and forgetting how quick she is to fly off the handle said that it will probably be just family and really close friends to the ceremony. I said her and her bf were 100% invited to the reception but I couldn’t promise that they were invited to the ceremony until I had booked a venue and worked out costings. She sent me a message seeing fine with it but then about 4 hours later sent me a massive message saying how hurt she was and was quite rude saying that she doesn’t want me to invite her to the ceremony now as she feels like second best, she also said if I want her at the reception she’ll try her best to make it...


I don’t know what to do?! Part of me wants to cut her out of my life completely as I have to walk on eggshells around her but the other part of me doesn’t want to throw our friendship away considering how close we used to be. The only way I think I can salvage our friendship however would be to invite her to the ceremony and reception and to grovel a lot. Even with lots of apologising from me she would probably be quite nasty back and take a lot of convincing to come to the ceremony. She would then probably have an issue with the fact that she is not bridesmaids etc. She messaged me on Wednesday this long message saying how she felt and I’ve just left it (it’s now Saturday) as I really don’t know what to do! Any help is much appreciated thank you

8 Comments

Latest activity by Alejandra, on March 7, 2020 at 4:50 PM
  • Samantha
    Expert October 2021
    Samantha ·
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    Cut her out and don't look back. People like this will always find a way to bring toxicity into your life.
    • Reply
  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
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    I think you answered your own question when you stated, the only way to salvage this friendship is to invite her. Why is it your responsibility to salvage this friendship? Where has she been when you needed her?
    I think as pp it’s best to just cut your ties completely
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  • Lyndsey
    Dedicated April 2020
    Lyndsey ·
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    Ok so a lot of people here are going to pick up on the fact that you are talking about a tiered reception - i.e. inviting some people to the evening reception only. I gather this is a massive No-No in the US but I just want to reiterate what the OP has said that it is completely normal in the UK to have a tiered reception, before anyone jumps on her for it. I am also in the UK and have never attended a wedding that wasn’t tiered in this way.


    With that said - just because tiered receptions are normal in the UK doesn’t mean that people’s feelings don’t sometimes get hurt that they didn’t make the cut to attend the whole event. It sounds like that is what’s happened here and really it comes down to one party viewing the relationship as a closer one than the other party does, which can understandably be hard to accept if you’re on the receiving end. Personally I have never felt offended at receiving an evening only invite because the circumstances in which I have received such an invite I would not have expected a full invite to those weddings, but I would definitely be hurt to be invited evening only to the wedding of someone I considered a good friend.
    I think where you go from here depends on whether you care enough about this friendship to salvage it and whether she is mature enough to have a grown up discussion about it. You could be honest and say that you feel you have grown apart and that’s why you responded the way you did but that you would like it if you can grow closer again? But if she is going to be nasty and toxic about it you don’t need that - there are better and more grown up ways to deal with hurt feelings over something like this.
    It is a cautionary tale that even in societies where tiered receptions are the norm the feelings of individuals can still be hurt. You have literally just got engaged so no-one should really be asking you if they are invited yet! If you have anyone else asking you I would say you haven’t decided on any details yet and leave it at that, and then think very carefully about who you relegate to the evening list! Honestly, whilst it is normal here I’m not a huge fan of it and initially I intended to have everyone for the whole event - in the end we have a small evening list which is basically my mother’s cousins, really just courtesy invites as they extended evening invites to my mum and dad for their kids’ weddings and wouldn’t expect any different, and a couple of old friends of FH who he hadn’t seen in years and definitely wouldn’t expect a full invite.
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  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    Cut her out! You don’t need this crazy drama on your wedding day.
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  • Karen
    Savvy March 2021
    Karen ·
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    Cut the drama, llama. Good riddance to this selfish friend making it all about her. You don’t owe her anything. Enjoy your day without her!
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  • Sinaya
    Devoted August 2022
    Sinaya ·
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    I personally would not invite her to anything at this point. She seems to make everything about her, and on your special day you should not have to worry about pleasing someone else, or be walking on egg shells to keep her from having another meltdown. People come into our life for a reason and some for a season. Maybe her season is over.
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    She sounds unstable. Cut her out
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  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
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    She sounds crazy, and I’m not kidding. I personally wouldn’t invite her at all. It’s rude to ask if you’re invited, and then it’s even more rude to respond that way when you don’t like the answer to a question you shouldn’t have asked. I understand that you don’t want to throw your friendship down the drain, but it kinda sounds like she already has. :/ I personally would start distancing myself from her.
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