FMIL turning rehearsal dinner into mini-wedding -- is this normal?!!

Also, why wouldn't you want two fun parties in a row? Too much happiness, joy, or love in the room or something?

I was in the same boat, until i voiced my concerns. We are only having 37 peopke for an intimate wedding, and a restaurant reception afterwards. Fmil wanted to rent a room at a restaurant with all the bells and whistles, at a restaurant fancier than the one we are having the reception at, and inviting almost everyone to both parties. I was honest with her and said I was concerned the rehearsal dinner would outstange our reception dinner. She downsized it to wedding party and parents only. And although she still reserved a room in a restaurant, its a casual restaurant. My problem now is that they dont want to pay for alcohol.....Im not sure what to do about that. Im going to do a separate post for my issue. My advice to you is talk to your fmil and tell her you would really prefer a casual party....bring suggestions to her. Your fh could do this for you too, if he has the balls to stand up to his Mom....which can be hard.

So my FMIL did this to me as well but she isn't paying for it. I am! There was a miscommunication between FH and I and when he said it to his mom, she just invited everyone instead of letting us invite them ourselves. Now it will be a family reunion for his mom on our bill. Fun...

I think you can express your concerns to FMIL and FH. But if she is paying for it and planning it, it's ultimately her party in your honor. As the guest of honor, you have to be just that, a guest.

At the end of it, just thank her graciously while everyone is still there for the amazing party that she put together for you.

Yep, sounds to me like she's living out HER decorating dreams. It's one thing if your on the same page, another to do something that wasn't what you expected and don't want and fear might upstage the wedding.

I don't think you're a bitch for being frustrated about it. You can voice your concerns and hope she takes them, but in the end, if she is paying, you may just have to accept it. I don't see it as trying to outdo anything, it sounds to me like she just wants you to have the best. She might be trying to show you two how much she appreciates you and welcomes you into the family. Over-the-top? Yes, From-the-heart? Probably also yes.

My sister dealt with this when she got married. She invited 115 to wedding and have 90 at her rehearsal dinner. It was beautifully catered with an open bar and all i remember is my sister wondering if she should have just worn her dress two nights in a row.

For what it's worth- her RD DID upstage her wedding. So it does happen.. and it does suck.

My FMIL wanted to do this. I also thought it was a bit much when she wanted to have favors, spend tons of money and the works, when we just wanted a low-key fun time of relaxation with friends - but we said "whatever" and she could do her thing. But then she felt that since she was paying for a rehearsal dinner (which she offered to plan and pay for), she had the right to start telling us who to add to our wedding invite list and how we should do other things for the wedding. It got out of hand. She has a tendency to be controlling and a bit spiteful when you don't like her ideas anyway. We drew the line and told her not to worry about it after all. So if your FMIL is just doing it strictly because she wants to, enjoys throwing parties, with no strings attached, I say let her, but just keep an eye on it. :-)

Ummm your FMIL and FFIL are paying for the RD. Just let them do their thing. Butt out... unless you want to pay for it and plan it. This is not grandstanding. She wants to throw you a fabulous party because she loves your FH and you.

I personally think it's a bit much for my taste but I wish I could have a RD with all of my out of town guests!!! So jealous! we're probably not going to do anything just hang out with my family and his family but I wish I could afford to do this for my guests.

Consider this a blessing in disguise.

Never mind......... I wrote a book and no one would want to read it anyway. Nothing controversial, just wordy, hindsight says "never mind".

Also a thought - maybe coordinate with your FMIL and see if her decor can complement yours and use both. I scored some beautiful flower arrangements for my reception because she talked to the my florist to make them complementary.

ETA: Midwest you should leave your post up it really was good and added a lot of insight.

We always say those who pay get a say so why is this situation an different? This rehearsal dinner sounds fabulous

I went through the same where my FMIL wanted elaborate party with 100 people and DH and I wanted something small and casual. I wouldn't stress out about it. I've seen so much worse. There was a bride on here a few months ago who's FMIL was trying to make a baseball themed RD for her son. It was super weird and sounded more like a child's birthday party for the groom rather than a celebration of the couple's impending wedding. You could have that. lol.

Sorry for being M.I.A.! I had my hair re-trial this morning (separate post once I get the pics!) and it's been crazy at work ever since.

The range of responses is pretty interesting. To clarify, yes, FMIL and FFIL are footing the bill for the whole RD, so her over-the-top selections will not affect me financially. And I'm not mad about all of this, nor do I find it completely absurd -- I just think it's a bit odd, and wanted to make sure I'm not crazy. I'm kind of relieved to see that so many of you actually feel more strongly against it than I do!

I don't think there's anyway I can talk FMIL down from any of it. Like some of you have said, this is what she wants, so I should just let her have it. I do really feel like having 2 big parties in a row is a bit much. Forget upstaging the wedding, I don't know how I'll have the energy for a big, serious sit down meal the day before the wedding. I'm going to be a big ball of nerves, probably won't be able to eat a thing. But, yes, if it makes her happy, I guess I should just be happy she wants to do this for us. (Another sucky thing, though, is that my hair will probably be a mess because I have to wash it right before the rehearsal so that it has 24 hours to dry before we start on wedding day, and I won't really have time to do it for the RD. So I'm going to look like a slob at this fancy affair.)

@Emmy -- good call about trying to reuse some of her stuff! That's another silver lining

OH, and I forgot to add something you're all gonna love. My FMIL is also throwing us an "engagement party" in 2 weeks -- ie: 5 weeks before the wedding. For all of her friends who aren't invited to wedding. I tried to talk her out of it, as did FH, and I'm mortified that it's happening, but there's nothing I can do. She's even specifically said that she wants all her friends to give us gifts. (For that one, she's hired people to come make tacos in their back yard.) So...the RD stuff is not exactly an isolated incident. I think she's just trying to squeeze out as much celebrating as she possibly can from the wedding.

And for the RD, she actually rented out this entire restaurant for the whole day. (Yes.) So we're going to tell all other out of towners that they can stop by and meet us for a cocktail or something in the evening, once the dinner is over. So we will get a chance to see more people, and it's pretty nice that we'll have a good spot where we can do it.

Everyone else has said enough so I am just here to say GO FOR IT! She's paying, don't worry about it!

So I am in the underwhelming minority that doesn't do upscale because i feel like a monkey in a suit (just not really me) so I completely understand your anxiety. That being said its really sweet that they are doing all of it I guess I would just show up and enjoy (which I would do way better in casual attire).

Okay not going to lie that engagement party sounds awful though. A bunch of people not invited to the actual wedding? That I would draw the line on, especially the gifts.

FutureMrsT I do not envy your situation one party is enough for me! But hey, at least at the engagement party you can get a great buzz and not be worried about being hung over for anything important the next day!

If the couple wants it, then WTF, but this sounds like the in laws haven't taken their wishes into account at all. They want to show off, entertain their friends and make the wedding into Woodstock; three days of fun and music. Not every couple is into that, and I can totally understand why.

And the engagement party sounds awkward and inappropriate. People who aren't invited to the wedding shouldn't be invited to that, but hey, she's a train off the tracks. Aside from not showing up, it doesn't sound like there is much you can do to stop her.

It's her money, and it's nice that she wants to put together a beautiful dinner, but if it's not what you want, it's not what you want! If a more casual party would accommodate out of towners, that's really nice. My RD is going to be just bridal party because including out of towners would literally turn into a 100 person affair. Tell them your feelings. Again, it's their money, but as I have told my sweet mother, for all that you are spending, don't you want it to be something I am happy with?