FMIL turning rehearsal dinner into mini-wedding -- is this normal?!!

And I'm sorry if I sound like an ungrateful bitch. If throwing a more upscale party is what will make her happy, then that's fine, and I do appreciate it...although I will probably vent about it again because it's stressing me the F out (as most things do)

I just don't think it's necessary, and I don't want her to feel like it's such a big deal. She also wants to hire a photographer, and she's putting together gift bags (which will be handmade by her mother, FH's grandma). And I think she's hiring some sort of musical entertainment. Left all those things out before...haha

I say it's overkill but it's her money... She can do what she wants. Can you have FH talk to her about what your vision was.? Maybe they can find a middle ground?

Everyone does it differently... my brother's ex-wife's family had a slideshow with music and formal dinner and big floral centerpieces and matching linens, etc. My father, for my brother's second wedding - a happy one, thankfully - ordered centerpiece flowers on the tables and reserved a private room at the restaurant. For my wedding in June, my FIL reserved a few tables at a country store/farm market restaurant, we went in casual clothes and had burgers and sandwiches and pie, and there were no decorations at all.

She's not going to out-shine your wedding.

Try to enjoy the evening, and enjoy that she loves you and her son so much, she wants to make it super-special for you

Unless she has a history of being vindictive, take it more as a she does not have occassions to do special events much, and she wants to make this as special as she can. She may just be really excited and is having fun adding a lot of elenents. Let her have fun and go with it.

I think most people can be reasonable, so if you explain your concerns respectfully but clearly (no need to sugar coat it in jokes), she will understand and scale it down a little

I also would feel a little annoyed, but I would also feel grateful that she was so into your wedding. Unless! Unless she is the type to upstage. I partially got that as I read your post, but quickly dismissed it. If she isn't that type of person and is genuine, I would just go with it, focus on your wedding (doesn't seem much for you to do for your RD! Geesh, we have to organize our own rehearsal plans (we are currently thinking of hosting something (although we di have a small wedding party so it might work for us) at our house with pizza, beer & wine after to save a little money!) - so yeah, I'd say just let her do her thing. (A decorator for a RD??!!) Oh brother.

I say that its overkill but hey your not hosting and nothing will out shine your wedding anyway, most of the guests won't even be at the RD.

My FSILs RD was hosted by her father in law and it was over the top ridiculous! the restaurant was small so the only way to have it at this restaurant was to close it for the night. there was a full top shelf open bar (awesome!) but then they cooked all of the food on the menu. that meant that there were 15 horderves , then there were 10 plus appetizers at the tables in addition to the entrees. when more food came out you could see the faces of people just drop because they felt obligated to try everything even though they were stuffed. and there were a minimum of 40 people there (mine is max of 20)

sorry... just needed to share that. it was the most extravagant RD i have ever been to, it was legitimately a dinner you would have for an intimate wedding.

It is a little more formal but my mother in law is doing something similar. I know she's hired our florist and is doing favors. It's not fancy fancy but it's a little more than we had in mind. However, I don't think anyone is going to complain about it being too nice. My in laws also were able to expand the guest list once they offered to host so it's more of an "event" for the weekend. It sounds like yours are making a smaller guest list to accommodate the extra touches? Which kinda sucks since you won't be able to invite as many people as you'd like.

If it helps, we went to a wedding once where the rehearsal dinner was literally a second wedding. It was in a restaurant over the water (Boston) with a 5 or 6 course sit down dinner, full top shelf open bar and a seafood bar and all the guests were invited. It was absolutely fabulous even if it was a little over the top.

That's complete over kill considering you and the MR are footing the bill!

It's overkill, it's grandstanding and it's unacceptable. Plus, do you REALLY want to be at two weddings? The rehearsal dinner should be a relaxed, low key, event for people to have a casual time to get together before the BIG DEAL the next day.

I understand that enthusiasm takes over, but you need to reign her in.

Your words, OP: "FMIL turning RD into a mini-wedding". Is that what you want, because that's what she's doing. Unless your family is featured in the society pages or you have your own chauffeur, this really is overkill. There is absolutely no need to hire a decorator for a RD, and there's certainly no need to consult with a florist. Next she'll be hiring a photographer. I'd be afraid that she wants photos of you so that they can be blown up into those silly, poster-sized things.

This will be a stuffy event, and it should be fun, relaxed, and easy. The big event is the wedding. Plus, if your wedding is nowhere near as opulent as this RD (or lunch), then what she's doing is actually unfair to you. I know the person paying gets to call the shots, but when it's a RD, it is customary to take the feelings of the couple into consideration. You wanted something larger and "less exclusive". She wants something smaller but more exclusive. I'd reign her in, and I'd do it now.

Honestly, if she's paying for it and hosting it, then it's her party - in your honor - that you've been invited to. If it's truly going to ruin your wedding or make you uncomfortable, you should express your concerns with her... but it sounds like a lovely generous gesture on her part, and I don't see why it would be anything other than fun, unless you choose to stress about it.

I'm surprised at how many people think this is unacceptable. She is paying, hosting and doing it in your honor. It won't outshine your wedding. It isn't super common to have elaborate RDs here, but in my MILs family, everything is elaborate. We had a really fancy RD (cocktail hour, floral centerpieces, escort cards, meal choice/rsvps, the works) and it was a total blast and added to the wedding experience. I was really concerned that some of my guests would be off-put by it but everyone really enjoyed it. Honestly, just go with it and keep an open mind.

You are not a bitch, but i do think let her do what she wants. If this isn't what you want, and it sounds like it's at 2pm, why not have a bonfire fake rehersal that night with pizza, beer, etc? This sounds like a nice event, maybe just keep this to just the people in the wedding, then have a meet up at a brewery, park, etc.. later in the evening for what you were picturing?

OP - can you clarify who is paying for the RD? That definitely changes things!

If FH's parents are planning then I think this is sweet, if overkill. I've been to RD's that were almost as nice as the wedding (cocktail hour with hors d'oeuvres, flowers, centerpieces, favors, photographer and videographer there) but I never thought they upstaged the wedding! I would worry less about how many vendors she's pulling in, and more about if this is the type of RD you want or not.

It's not so much a matter of who is paying really. Do you WANT to have two elaborate, fancy, time consuming parties back to back?

My FMIL is doing this also....we're having it on Thursday now (wedding is Saturday) because I'm terrified that the BP will be super hungover after this crazy party it sounds like FMIL is throwing for the RD.

Celia, some people do. I get you don't like them, but it's getting a LITTLE bitter. It's not grandstanding if they're doing it because they enjoy planning parties and want to give a gift to the couple. Good lord.

We had a very, very large RD. It was definitely more of a cocktail welcome. We had an entire restaurant bought out, full bar, and heavy passed apps with some stations. There were over 100 people there, with about 200 at the wedding. They were all people who weren't local, extended family, and others who traveled far. FMIL got "centerpieces" done but they were not that pretty and most people assumed they were the restaurant's anyway.

We had a damn good time.

I have been to many RD that were gorgeous!! They rented a space, had centerpieces, uplighting, chiavari chairs, upgraded linens! They even had a DJ, but only playing slow/soft/R&B music. It was very romantic. I think it is okay. It is her money, her party. All you have to do is show up

@m preach.