fmil Help

You have to move out, honestly. Of adults are screaming at each other, it has gone way beyond dislike. It’s dangerous.

Move out asap. Cut that toxic relationship. And voilaaa... you will find peace 🙌🏻

View Quoted Comment We are! It has already been decided that if we do not in the process of closing on a house come June 2021 we are getting an apartment.


I’m aware of how dangerous it is, I have spent several nights crying as I’m being blamed for all that’s wrong in her life.
However, my FH loves to keep peace as much as he can so I’m trying to alleviate some pressure off of him by including his mom

View Quoted Comment It’s going to be a mess no matter what you do. She wants it to be that way. No matter how hard you try she will keep moving the goalposts.
I hope you can get out soon!

Let me get this straight...you have been living in FMIL house for the past 6 years, but can't stand her. So why would you live there? You are asking for advice on how to include her yet you don't want her along to look at venues, or dress shopping, or helping with showers (which are all the ways that a parent would appreciate being a part of). Don't you think it would be nice to have your mom and his mom coming together to bond over the events of your wedding? It sounds like you are the one alienating her as she expresses interest in being involved.

View Quoted Comment I agree with all of this.
I mean you’ve been living in her house for 6 years and think this poorly of her?

View Quoted Comment This women has screamed vulgar things in my face after a fight with her husband, she blames me for problems in her marriage because I don’t walk in and go into deep detail about my day. I have done nothing to this woman besides be the person I have been for 27 years, she is a textbook narcissist, if I don’t do what she wants how she wants I am “disrespectful” this women has caused more anxiety in my than anything else in my life.


My feeling of the bridal shower is due to covid my mom wants to throw her only daughter a bridal shower, she will tell my FMIL who she is inviting from my FH side of the family (no extended family) and my mom would like to do this on her own, my FMIL will be informed of plans and who’s invited by my mom wants no help, she wants to do this on her own.
My mom is also aware of how i am treated in a house where I have offered to pay rent (and been told no), do grocery shopping, clean, and take VERY good care of her son.
She has 3 sons, but my FH is her youngest, she has not cut the cord, keeps him “on the boob” so to speak. She did not act this way with the other twos weddings or my sister in laws, it is just me being attacked

View Quoted Comment Fingers crossed that you are able to close on your house. As PP said, this sounds like a toxic situation. Seeing as how you’ve mentioned almost everything else that you definitely don’t want her to be included in, that doesn’t leave much else for her to be included in other than maybe getting the favors? She may possibly even get offended by that suggestion, but would it be too difficult for you to calmly and politely explain to her that everything is all taken care of and that you were extremely grateful for her wanting to help and be involved but you would love nothing more than for her to just attend and enjoy the day?

View Quoted Comment Also to add, I live here by accident, it just happened over the 6 years I’ve been with my FH. His parents house in .3 seconds away from where he works. We have offered to pay rent the last 6 years have been told no, we buy groceries, cook dinners, take care of the dogs for them.


She does not like me because I do not live up to her standard she finds me “rude” because when I come home from my 12 hour days of working in a call center and talking on the phone I do not want to talk.
She is also an alcoholic who causes problems in her own Marriage but chooses to blame me as it is easier.
I keep the peace for my FH who is also had it with his mother’s actions that don’t involve me at all.

View Quoted Comment That's what I'm saying, I'd be mad too if I had 2 almost 30 year olds living in my house.

View Quoted Comment Absolutely 100% agree with this. You have been living with them for 6 years. If you guys can't stand her that badly and she treats you that bad why are you still living in her house

View Quoted Comment How come you guys didn't go to live with your mom if it's that bad at his parents house? If I knew how horrible my daughter was being treated living with her in laws I'd most certainly be getting her out of that situation asap way before 6 years.

View Quoted Comment I'm wondering the same thing. If she is as awful as you claim then both of you should have moved out a long time ago. It doesn't make sense that you would put up with this for so long.

View Quoted Comment Yea exactly. If it were me I'd either see if we could live with my parents until we closed on a house or settled for getting an apartment. I mean yea the in laws are around the corner from his work as she mentioned, but however is convince better than your mental health. I'd say no. No offense but they aren't kids anymore they the can leave at any moment.

View Quoted Comment I agree. They are adults and as such should have found a place to live on their own a long time ago. It wouldn't surprise me with the in-laws are just tried of them living there.

Ummm June is not soon enough. You need to move out within the next month

Sounds like you don't want her to help and you don't want to make room to include her. While the relationship does seem toxic, it clearly hasn't been toxic enough for you to move out. I feel like you're staying in her house, the least you can do is let her be involved in the wedding of her own son. Maybe this is her way of a peace offering. Just as your mom wants to be involved in the wedding, your FMIL wants to as well. Allow your mom to plan the bridal shower and your FMIL to plan the engagement party. If she causes drama with that, then you know where she stands and you move on from there.

Seems like your options are pretty simple, be open and allow her to help with some things which could mend the relationship, or continue to block her out of everything and you two can remain on bad terms.

View Quoted Comment With the housing market and how long it takes to close on a house in CT it is not feasible to move out before then, our goal is a house, so if we can not meet our goal of a house by June we will be getting an apartment.


I have talked to my FH about this numerous times, if we had it my way we would have been in an apartment in august when the first “blow up” happened. I pick my battles. My FH does NOT want an apartment and has made that clear, so we have Coke to an agreement that come he’ll or high water we are out in June as we are already in the process of looking for a house.

I think I need to clarify some things. This is not me simply “not liking my FMIL” I like her just fine. We get along. However she is an alcoholic, when she drinks things changes is. We have had 2 screaming matches in the past 5 months. 1) everyone wanted to order pizza after cleaning up from a tornado, she didn’t want pizza she wanted Chinese, I pulled up the Chinese menu so we could order but she stormed off throwing a fit that “everyone was against her.” She sent her husband (who loves me) out to yell at me that I was the problem in the house and I was rude a disrespectful, this if the first blow up that had happened in the 5 years of me living here. It was easier to blame me for her issues than her husband and her son, when I was the one who said “ok let’s get Chinese, here’s the menu on my phone, what do you want” 2) I used the wrong cutting board when cutting raw chicken to make everyone dinner, her husband would not reprimand me (cause I was using a cutting board used several times for raw chicken) she then went on to scream at me that I was turning her son and her husband against her cause they wouldn’t take her side in yelling at me for using the wrong cutting board.


My FH was 17 when we met, I needed up living here by accident, I would sleep over so much that it just kind of happened. Things did not get bad until August of 2020 when EVERYONE in the household agreed to attend therapy at my suggestion (she cries at the thought of us moving out, cause she doesn’t want to lose her son) we thought things would change by my FH and I started seriously saving for a house. We have enough to buy a house now and get out and are in the process of finding one, the housing market in CT is causing houses to sell extremely quick and with people leaving NYC houses are flying off the market and we cannot afford a bidding war.
My mother hates that I live here, she wishes I would move home and so would I. However, our whole life and everything we own is at my FH’s house it does not make sense to move everything we own from his house, to my parents house to our own house when we move out we plan to take a couple months of no contact from his mom to decompress.
I am not a strain on their life, I work 8am- 8pm most days, I come here to sleep, then go to work and repeat. I am cordial, I am nice, I cook dinner for the family every Saturday night; I go grocery shopping every week (which she uses to cook for jut her and my FFIL which I DONT CARE) and I have offered over the last 7 years to pay rent and am always told no. They barely see me. They are asleep when I leave for work and In bed when I get home. I care for her elderly parents.
I am simply looking for advice on how to best include her in wedding planning or making her feel included when everything is already planned. I do not need a deep psychosis on why she feels the way she feels (I have a degree in human services which deals a lot with psychology I know she’s a narcissist and I can’t change that) we have a plan to move out.
Thank you.

View Quoted Comment I never told her she couldn’t plan anything. She asked I my FH and I were planning an engagement party; I said “no but I’m sure my moms I’ll want to plan something” her exact words were “you make sure she includes me” I said, I’m sure she’ll reach out if she needs help. I don’t feel it’s my job to tell my grown mother to include my FMIL in her plans if my mom wants to throw her only daughter and engagement party, if she wishes to be involved in the party she can reach out to my mom and make that known, she has her phone number.


If she wants to throw us a party she is free to do so, if she wants to plan something she if free to do so.
My FH is 1/3, one brother is married in the last two years, and one is getting married in 2021, she did not do ANYTHING for the other two, so I wasn’t expecting her to be involved now as she didn’t show an interest in her other two sons weddings.