First year of Marriage, Blissful or Miserable?

Important question, did you live together before getting married?

I feel like many people that experience a rough first year didn't live together before hand. They then are learning their new partner all at once.

I could be wrong, however.

View Quoted Comment Building off this: marriage can be a big change and change is never easy. Take time to have date nights, be goofy, and talk (talk to each other about everything).

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We did live together for a year, during this time there were a lot of issues we had and actually I called off the engagement. After a month and several long serious discussions we decided we wanted to be together and get married.

During the wedding planning we did not live together however.

Our engagement year was probably our toughest year because it brought up a lot of family stuff and we had to strengthen our boundaries and learn how to both handle each other’s stressors. What helped us was therapy. Together and individually.

I've always heard the first year of marriage is the hardest. In my situation though, we live together and have children...so I don't anticipate anything being very different (except for joining our finances and such).

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Personally, I would look at couples counseling. Without a lot of information I would say a lot of those issues that broke you up for a while never really got resolved.

I'm by no means saying my marriage is perfect, but I feel the reason we don't have issues is because we talk everything out. There are no surprises in our marriage.

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I agree with PP that counseling is probably best. If you lived together before and it brought up issues and you moved out during the planning process having someone to help get past any issues that have risen out of living together again might be very helpful.

I have heard the first year can be rough compound living together and getting in sync with each other can be very frustrating.

I think the first year is only tough if you never lived together. Nowadays I think the hardest year is the first year of living together or the first year when a baby is born

I have been with my partner for three years but we did not move in together until this past August, me moving from Michigan to New Orleans. He has two kids and this past eight months has been extremely, extremely tough. Navigating a new living situation in a new city I don't particularly love as much as home has been difficult, but the dynamics with the children has been incredibly, incredibly hard. We have been going to therapy and things have been getting easier. I anticipate more work to be done in the future, but that is the nature of all successful relationships.

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We have talked about counseling and he agreed to go, but has made no efforts to put that into action. I have been seeing a counselor for the past few months. Also, the therapist I see won't agree to couples therapy session with him until he has been screened by a colleague in their office. She says she has seen way too many spouses come into therapy to only appease the other person, not to focus on the real issues. She even made the comment, " I would hate to waste your money and time on someone who isn't willing to commit."

I wouldn't say year 1 has been BLISSFUL, but it also hasn't been bad! The first year brings up a lot of stresses that - for us at least - were things we could push off and say "oh we'll think about it later on" while we were just engaged or living together. Will we have kids? If so, when? How many? Do we like our jobs enough to keep them as-is? Will we continue to rent an apartment? When will we decide to buy a home? Where? A lot of questions come up, and they can be insanely overwhelming because "this is it - it's real now, you did the thing and now you have to think about the other things."

Year 1 is definitely a learning experience that's even more intense than engagement, living together, etc. Being committed to being good communicators is HUGE! Can't be afraid to have the hard conversations or call your spouse out when they need to be called out! No one is perfect, and thinking that happily ever after comes without work is no good for anyone. Year 1 is what you make of it! Do the hard work, and it's all worth it

I guess I should have given a little more info about this post, so here goes:

1) Yes we lived together prior to getting married, which caused a lot of problems ending our engagement. Ultimately we got back together and began wedding planning. During that time we did not live together.

2) We discussed Finances, Family Boundaries, Children (me not wanting kids vs. him wanting kids; I even told him if it was a deal breaker don't marry me. I was so upfront and honest), Debts, When we would buy a House, Traveling, Retirement plans for the future, etc. Basically all the articles I could find on WW I took the advice and we discussed each topic.

3) The discussions prior to marriage went great, we were on the same page. Seemed like we wanted the same things in life....up until about 3 months prior to the wedding when I requested we postpone our wedding one year. There was A LOT of stuff needing to be done as well as a lot of things we still had to pay in full.....He wasn't agreeable on postponing, stated I was overreacting, we can pull this off, etc.

4) On our Honeymoon, my husband spent a good bit of time working via phone....

5) After our Honeymoon, we stayed with my parents for a few weeks while the rental house we were moving into was supposedly being cleaned out..Long story short, we ended up moving our landlords stuff, fixing up the house, paint, do repairs, etc. Yes we were credited rent for our work, but it was a long process.

6) About 3 months of so of living together it became apparent all those long discussions we had about Finances, Debts, and House buying started to mean nothing because we were no longer on the same page anymore. I found out he had a credit card he failed to mention prior to our wedding...Found out he was more in debt that he told me. We had planned to build a house on "his land" but now his parents are having to pay towards a loan that the land is up for collateral on. So, there is no house planning anymore...

7) Counseling....I have been in counseling since February. I have told my husband about it. We discussed him attending counseling to which he agreed to. I even gave him all the phone # and insurance info in order to call and schedule an appointment ( it's almost been a month) and he has not even made an effort. In fact the counselors card is still in the same spot it was when I gave it to him.

I guess, perhaps, I think that marriage shouldn't function like this. Especially the first year. We got married in September of last year, and in my personal opinion it's been the exact opposite of blissful. I appreciate any advice. My parents have been married for 30 years. I get it marriage is hard. I just was wondering if anyone else has or is experiencing anything close to what I am going through and how do I make it through without losing myself, my sanity, and my marriage?

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I think the problem is that most people on social media/sites similar to this, only post about the good. No one ever lets on what happens AFTER the "honeymoon phase." Also the way that marriage is a lot of time pictured in the movies, magazines, etc. paints a really nice picture of a "happily ever after". As you said I am sure you already know marriage is hard. As long as its two imperfect people with different thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and ideas trying to meld their lives together, it will be HARD. Maybe you might have had a slightly unrealistic idea of how the first year of marriage would go? I would try and talk to him again about the counseling and maybe try and go to another counselor who will see you all together first. While I think the current counselor you are seeing might be right, sometimes people (especially MEN) have to see it work for themselves and agree to go together (I think guys a lot of times have to be tough and there is still a stigma - there shouldn't be a stigma but that doesn't mean it isn't there- that comes getting counseling). Maybe he will be more willing to go together and see the difference himself starting out. Then if he sees a difference, he might be also more willing to go on his own which will be helpful too!

Try and remember why you wanted to marry him to begin with. Sometimes things don't always go the way we want them to and maybe you had this idea of how your marriage would be in your head that just wasn't real life. That's ok, sometimes we just need to readjust our idea of how our life, marriage, things in general should go. I will be thinking about you and keeping my fingers crossed that you all are able to work through things. It is at times I have heard a LOT of effort but in the end SO worth it. Good luck!

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It's hard to remember why I married him because now he's not even close to that same person I fell in love with. I fell in love with the person he pretended to be, but after the wedding it's been a complete 180 from who I thought he was.