Fiance leaving on Military Training (get married before or after)

We have couples all the time who have beautiful courthouse weddings. Just because it's the courthouse doesn't mean it has to be just signing papers in jeans and a t-shirt.

Lots of people have courthouse weddings that are lovely. You can dress up, and go out for a very nice dinner afterwards. And then plan a vow renewal for your first anniversary with all the frills.

Here's one of the most recent posts of a WW couple with an incredibly beautiful courthouse wedding: https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/its-time-for-hazel-bam/345b165ef16c4c72.html?page=1

Here's another WW couple's recent courthouse wedding that was absolutely gorgeous:

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/who-mrs-jones-courthouse-elopement-pro-bam/63257fcab37bd152.html

I really wish people would stop equating courthouse (or city hall) with crappy. I'm having a $35,000 courthouse wedding (technically it's a town hall, but that's how things are done in the UK).

Personally, I'm also sort of sick of the "we need to get married asap because $$ (health insurance, military benefits)" or "we can't get married asap because of $$ (child support, student loans)" and because of it, we have to have a PPD.

Sorry to take it out on you, OP. But you hit both of my sore spots in one post. Make a decision and own it. If you wear jeans to your wedding, wherever it is, that was your decision.

I had gotten married to my now ex-husband before he went away for Basic and AIT...I really wish we had waited until he'd gotten back. Getting married for the extra income, health insurance and feeling of solidarity are NOT good reasons to get married. Tbh, while he was away, he was amongst single men and he resented not being able to relate to the guys he was training with. On family day (the day he graduated from Basic), I felt completely out of place and didn't get the greeting I expected to get as his wife. Be ready for all of this. You shouldn't resent or hate the day you get married...It should be a happy union/ceremony that you both want and will look back on with joy

Part of my issue is that my fiancé just sees it as signing papers. So getting him to take it seriously is frustrating. He just keeps telling me we will do the ceremony when he gets back.

@SwissMs I see where you are coming from with being tried about people needing to get married for money but that is common in the US because of laws that are only for married people. I am a teacher in the US and the 1800 is almost what I make a month,so it would be stupid not to get the BAH.

You could buy a dress off the rack at a bridal store, he could wear a nice suit or rent one, and you could get a cake from a grocery store that is a gorgeous wedding cake. Then have a reception in a private room at a restaurant where you invite your loved ones. That is all doable in two weeks if you get on it.

I want to know what military training causes and increase of 1800 dollars a month because marriage wont do that lol....

My fiancé and I discussed that if he had to deploy we would get married at the courthouse and have a vow renewal (ceremony) when he returns. But that's up to y'all, it was more practical to do that because I could control finances and stuff at home while he was deployed and I was easier if I was his wife.

I am actually American living overseas - I am very aware of how things work in America. I pay US taxes, which will increase when I have to change to married filing separately, because my FI is not American. For me, this increased cost is not reason enough to not get married. Other benefits outweigh that, such as the ability to buy a home together, intestate inheritance laws in the US, UK and Switzerland that make passing assets on death simpler, even the ability to know that by default we will each own 50% of all assets, not to mention the ability to collect death benefits automatically and to assist with medical decisions on each other's behalf.

It's ok to get married or not because of financial decisions. But as an adult, you need to own that decision. If that means you get $1800 extra a month, but not a fancy wedding, you need to own that decision. Figure out what you have the time and money for and have the best wedding you can in that time. Otherwise, wait until after training and have your fancy wedding.

ETA: Deployment is a totally different situation @Davistobe - just be honest with your loved ones if you do get married before and decide to have a vow renewal later.

Doing a courthouse wedding doesn't have to be a jeans and T-Shirt event. As you see you can get dressed up and do a thing.

There is also something like this-

https://apracticalwedding.com/vendors/pop-wed-co/

It's important- no matter how "small" of an event it is- and he should respect that it has meaning to you.

When I first met my now husband he thought marriage was just signing a paper- and I told him nope- it is important and it's a ceremony- regardless of if it is religious or not. It should be special to YOU to. what you make of that is up to you- and he should respect that you want it to be special. Hubs finally came around and by the time we stood together taking vows HE was the one almost crying the whole time.

Honestly- this is a conversation for you two to have- but I would wait. It's going to be heartbreaking to go through this really emotional event- then have him leave.

One of my best friends/bridesmaids for my wedding went through this last year. We literally through her a wedding together in 3 weeks so she could get married, and go with him after his basics were complete. She didn't want a courthouse wedding, not because she had a problem with it, but because she wanted her pawpaw to walk her down an isle, she wanted her family and friends. Now for this instance, we pulled a TON of wedding no-no's, but with the small amount of people, and WHO the people were everything was fine. The whole family knew what was up. The wedding was beautiful, the barbeque after was a hit, and everyone happily had a great time. She got her wedding day, and 2 months later they moved to Washington state where they will be for an indefinite amount of time. I don't advise you to pull all the no-nos we did for her wedding, but if you're set on one, pulling off a wedding in 3 weeks CAN happen. (I do hope you have a little more time than that though. Decide what you would like to do ASAP)

I do a lot of small military weddings, and I can tell you that they are much nicer than 90% of all courthouses. (NYC rocks, by the way...)

We have a castle we use as a setting, a few beautiful parks (Central Park and two parks in NJ designed by the same man), and a host of restaurants and b&b's that love our smaller weddings. My brides sometimes get pretty dresses, grooms get suits or tuxes, there are flowers, photos, even limos; flowers, music....it can be just beautiful, and it CAN be done in a few weeks. Especially at this time of year.

People get married for financial reasons all the time; it's part of the overall life plan in every case and it's naive to think that it's not. (people also do fake marriages for financial reasons, but that's another thread...).

Because of our lovely administration now, (another thread), I have couples with great fear of the future (whether that is rational or not, only time will tell; He is already orchestrating the deportation of immigrant military spouses.....). We are doing a lot of short notice weddings for people who would never even have considered it, and it's really our goal to make those weddings as beautiful as if they'd been planned for a year.

So I guess the bottom line is that you decide what works for you guided by the very real notion that the important thing, at the end of the story, is the marriage. Not the party.

I can guarantee there is no BAH that jumps by $1800. On average, it's around a $400 increase to be married. Where do you live that you think the BAH increase is $1800?

Just wait until he gets back.

Caitlin I take offense to your "courthouse wedding is crappy" statement. My first marriage I got married at the courthouse and that was our wedding. Our decision was to rush off and get married and we owned that decision. Getting married for money, health insurance, etc is a crappy reason to get married. You are coming across that the most important thing to you is money. You should be over the moon excited to get married to your FH and if marriage was actually the most important thing to you it shouldn't matter if your FH wore sweat pants or swimming trunks to the ceremony. I would also love to know what kind of military training will get you an extra 1800 for BAH. I know my BIL who is a O-4 with over 14 years in with 3 dependents living in DC of all places gets 2,000 a month in BAH.

I am stationed in Jacksonville, FL and just looked at the rates for Jacksonville. The max it increases here is $336 and that's for an E6. The average increase in Jacksonville is closer to $200 with some ranks not even increasing by that much. With that said, I just finished flight school which involved moving multiple times in the last 2 years. I know many of my peers that married in the courthouse during flight school and then had a wedding celebration later because they were dual military and needed to be stationed together at the end of flight school. I saw nothing wrong with that because it would be real shitty to not go get legally married, end up with 1 person stationed in CA in 1 in VA. And I think it would suck to miss out on a big wedding celebration, if that's what they wanted, just to ensure that they're stationed together. So personally, having a courthouse wedding followed by a wedding celebration doesn't bug me at all. But doing it just for the pay increase does. And you are very wrong to think the pay increase by $1800 a month.

From my experience in the military, if he's married he will get married BAH which includes housing expenses (because they can't live on base single housing) and a little but extra for a dependent. I can see how it might be around 1,800 for both of those combined. Also depends on rank, if he's just going in his pay may be lower. OP, I hope you and your FH aren't rushing into this because of the 1,800 paycheck. My FH was in the military and we've been through deployments. I've seen many of his friends find someone and get married so that they could get that extra paycheck. It's sad and I'm not saying it's your situation, but having a spouse in the military is tough - especially dealing with them gone a lot. If you're really sure this is what you want to do, then have a small courthouse ceremony and do a nice dinner with family afterwards. It can still be beautiful. Honestly, my suggestion is to wait. The paycheck will come eventually and then you'll have at least 9 months to plan a wedding and get used to your FH being gone and then being home for a short time and leaving again. I wish you all the luck in the world. Good luck to your FH in his training! ETA: I guess I probsbly should have asked this question before my little rant: is he going off to basic training or has he already been in the military and this is extra training for him?

I suggest just waiting the 9 month and have your special wedding when he is back It will be hard being long distance, but even harder if you are married. I speak from experience, as my fiance wont be back until the end of July( will have been serving for 18 months)

I wouldn't marry someone who saw the commitment as "just signing papers" sounds like he has some maturing to do

If I was you I'd wait and do it in a year