Fiance doesn't want Wedding

This does not sound like a man who wants to get married. I’d a long, hard look at his words & actions before planning any further.

I would be honest with him and explain that he has truly ruined the 2 wedding experiences already with his negative attitude and it's incredibly disrespectful and selfish. I'd look into pre-marital counseling sooner rather than later to see if he can realize the selfish child he is acting like and if he can't, I wouldn't marry him. If he won't do pre-marital counseling, call off the wedding. What happens after your married when you need support with something he isn't interested in? Whether it be family, job related, money related, etc.? Is he just going to sulk and not support you?

Yeah, I agree that everything you wrote about him seems to SCREAM, "I don't want to get married!" Not just, "I don't need a fancy wedding...." I would definitely stop planning and consider seeing a therapist on your own. Marriage requires being able to talk through differences and find compromises when you have different opinions. You've shared two important separate issues -- a wedding and couples therapy -- that your opinions are completely different about and his response is basically, "there is no room for compromise -- I get what I want." That does not sound like a person I would want to commit to for the rest of my life. Listen to your gut; it isn't wrong. Good luck to you!

Honestly? My FH is reluctant on some things - he didn't see the point to engagement photos for example - but he did it because he knew it was important to me. This should be a partnership. I would talk to him and try to explain that having a wedding and the events around it are important for you, much like marrying him is. Because he needs to realize that this is important for you too. And my FH will do even small things with me because he knows it makes me happy. It's ok for him to think it's silly, but he should be willing to do this for you. I hate to say this, but you need to have another hard talk with him. This is clearly bothering you enough that you came to other brides on the internet for help. A lot of guys aren't interested in planning, but the dismissal of your feelings bothers me.

I would have him write down why he doesn't want a wedding. You should do the same thing about why you want a wedding. Then, the two of you should write down why you want to be married (married and wedding are related, but not exactly the same). Reflect on why you want to spend your life together. Then go back though the points you each have for why or why not. Listen to what each others says rather than trying to respond. Once you have gone though your list, see if you can find a compromise.

I would see the compromise being an elopement or micro-wedding, but you need to find the compromise that is right for you guys as a couple.

I don’t think that him not wanting a wedding is concerning, but how he is acting towards you and how he is making you feel speaks volumes. Have you tried telling him that the way he is behaving is making you second guess even getting married in the first place? I would just be brutally honest with him and hope he is willing to compromise on the wedding and couples therapy after you tell him how you are feeling, and if he still won’t budge, then you have your answer.

Why did he propose? How long have you two been together? I am so confused why any man would propose to get married, but don't want to get married ??? Most guys are not involved with wedding planning. FH can be uninterested in some things like registry stuff, but it is because it is overwhelming at times. I think you need to have a face to face serious talk with him and ask him how is feeling about the whole thing about getting married.

Maybe he would prefer a more intimate wedding or smaller wedding? maybe he wants a destination wedding instead of a huge wedding? You need to find out where all of this is coming from.

To the PP above--plenty of people want to get married but not have a wedding.

OP, my main question is, was this something you talked about prior to engagement and he's changing his tune?

View Quoted Comment 100% this! My husband could care less if we had a wedding. A lot of grooms aren’t into the process of wedding planning or into weddings at all but just the way he seems dismissive of what you want speaks volumes

It sounds like you're being just as dismissive of his wants as he is of yours. He doesn't want anything more than a courthouse wedding yet you're insisting on planning the big wedding you want despite his feelings. Both viewpoints for the wedding are completely valid, and one isn't more important than the other. You both need to learn how to compromise, as that is something you will need to do throughout your marriage.

I'd say did deep into ya mindseye and ask yourself is this the right choice. My fh is not involved in planning and sometimes doesnt want to speak about it but I must say he does wanna get married. He's counting down the days, talks about the clothes he'll wear, the fun we'll have and other stuff. Not being involved in planning is 1 thing but what all you've said is a warning.

I have called my wedding the document signing. And I don't think anything will change at all now that we've been living together for almost a year.

My fiance isnt super excited about the wedding. But is going along with it because he wants to marry me and he wants me to be happy. And he's finding things to look forward to and be excited about. He attended my bridal shower for goodness sake. He wasnt too on board with engagement photos... til we got them back. And he loves them.
Your fiance needs to work on finding some middle ground. Because you should not spend your engagement or the rest of your life feeling miserable.

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I did and he kind of threw it in my face that it's been hard to deal with me being so emotional and crying all the time. I've set back into depression, and started seeing someone, but I still don't excuse the hurt. I almost walked out, but I just couldn't. I even started packing a bag, but something was keeping me from leaving. We talked more, but I'm not sure if my cold feet feelings have gone away. It's been rough these past few months with him losing his job and finding a new one (yay!) but he's also been stressed with now having to work like 10-12 hours a day. It's hard to balance between what's situationally wrong and will get better, and what is red flag wrong that won't get better ya know?

Unless there are other things aside from this where your feelings are being dismissed and you aren't feeling supported, it doesn't feel like a reason to throw away the relationship/not consider getting married. It sounds like he does want to get married, just not have a wedding. It sounds like you two could use a sit down discussion - I see you said he is fully against counseling. But it sounds like there are some things you want to discuss now, maybe writing them down would be a good idea. Consider his feelings, too. When you say that you explain what marriage means to you, does his discard that or is he discarding what a wedding means? It's OK that he isn't into a wedding - but he should definitely be into a marriage!

View Quoted Comment Girl that is some serious stuff, and if you need someone to talk to privately please let me know! But as someone who has struggled with depression very openly with my partner, that is not how he should be reacting, at least in my opinion. Things get tough in life, and your partner is supposed to be your support system, not your punching bag. I think the red flag is that he cannot handle the hardships that life has thrown at you guys without turning into someone who makes you want to pack your bags and run. If he cannot handle your emotions, let alone his own, then maybe you two should think about taking some time to stable out before you make this commitment.

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I agree with you! There's way more that goes into this, but I definitely feel like postponing is a good idea. It's just hard for me to have these doubts and not let that affect me trying my best. I keep looking for advice and leaning on friends and family, but it's hard to talk to him about stuff sometimes because he feels like I'm attacking him. He's not one to talk about feelings or get excited about things, and I am, and Idk why all of a sudden I'm starting to feel the weight of that. We've been together/living together since Dec 2018, and we knew each other for 7 years before that in college as friends. The wedding has definitely brought out more stressors! It's hard to distinguish between wedding stress or red flags...

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I 100% agree with this. I want you to know that my situation sounds like yours. I do not know how you two ended up engaged but I can say that my FH was never interested in marriage and last fall I decided that since I made things clear from the beginning about where I want our relationship to go before we moved in and he kept dragging things out I basically had a talk with him saying that my views on marriage are not going to change and I hope he realizes what a good woman I have been to him and that I want to be married and if that is not what he wants then we need to reevaluate the relationship. Call it an ultimatum but I gave him a chance to step up or move on if I am not who he wants to really be with because I was done playing house. It got to the point where I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me but he wanted married life without marriage. I do not know for sure but I feel that he grew up a product of divorce (not a positive ending to his parents marriage) and he has low self esteem about himself and I remember him first asking why would I want to marry him because he has or is... We had a serious conversation and we are moving forward with marriage. I think you should ask him why does he have reservations about marriage. I feel men are different than women. My parents divorced and I still am optimistic about marriage while some men see divorces or bad marriages and feel that will be their experience (some women too)so best to avoid it. But the reason I agree with this post is because yes, like you, I have dreamt of the perfect wedding day since a little girl but my FH wanted to just go to the courthouse and get it done with. I knew I wanted some kind of ceremony with a dress and pictures to look back on. So we compromised and agreed to elope. He is now at the point that we are doing this and he is comfortable discussing wedding stuff but I am the one planning and mostly interested in it. He is doing the ceremony for me but since he does not like all eyes on him nor wants to spend the money on the big fancy wedding we agreed to elope with two friends and my brother walking me down the aisle. While I am sure he does not see the purpose of marriage he knows he wants to spend his life with me and is willing to become my husband. I think maybe you need to see what he really wants and if maybe the big wedding is what is off putting maybe you two scale back. I know you have dreamed of the big wedding but you do not need to have one to make that the happiest day of your life. I feel if you two are going to get married then you two should both be happy about the plans for the day. The ultimate goal is marrying the man you love and not how grandiose your wedding is. I do not mean to be harsh but I am saying this because I know what you are going through and I lost both my parents so I know how much harder it does make wedding planning without people you love. Therapist or not you need to know where he stands just in regards to your relationship because like others have said many men are not interested in planning so even if he is on board to marry you I think you should mentally prepare that you may be planning it alone but I really feel by this post and your most recent one you are focused on what your needs are but have not asked or considered his which might where be the breakdown is. Your feelings are important and he should consider them too but it does go both ways. Please do not take what I say as being rude as I do not mean it to be but just someone that is kind of in your shoes and understands. I think with or without a therapist really sit down and ask what is causing this because maybe he will speak one on one with you as opposed to a stranger. I do send positive vibes and really hope things work out between you two and that you both can be on a happy track towards the future and the marriage.

He may not care about the wedding planning details or want a wedding himself, but he should care about how his attitude is affecting YOU and consider how that will affect your relationship and your marriage.

Has he acted like this before on other subjects?

The lack of support and unwillingness to compromise is concerning. I'm blessed that my FH is very involved. But my cousin wanted a wedding while his now wife did not. They compromised with a low-key wedding at her aunt's lake house and they threw it together in a matter of months. Unfortunately you can only control what you do and make sure you're considering his feelings. If he can't do the same for you, even something like counseling, I would ask myself if you're settling for a lifetime of giving in to what he wants while your wants and needs are ignored.

However, I also see that you said things have been stressful for you and him and that can always play a part in irrational feelings and reactions. If he was never this (seemingly) inconsiderate of your feelings before, then maybe this is something that will blow over when life settles down. Are you willing to wait until life settles down? If he always gets like this when life is stressful and he's unwilling to seek help, can you handle that? I definitely agree that a sit down conversation is needed at the very least.

Taylor, all I can say is that my FH is my heart and soul. I cannot imagine life without him. He always has my back, and truly wants me to be happy. Even when I want ridiculous things and have ridiculous moments, he's like "ok, it's all good, let's do it"! From a random stranger on the internet, I suggest you take the leap of faith that seems to be in your heart.... and walk. You deserve AMAZING. There are guys out there that will give you the moon and stars, you are soooo young, give something new a try! Good luck sweetie, thinking of you!!!