Ex Wife trying to hijack MY wedding date

My best friend planned to have all of her FH's children (4) in the wedding. Ex-wife knew and agreed to it the entire time. Clothing for all the kids bought, sand ceremony written, children were told and excited to be in the wedding.

The night before the wedding ex-wife decided they couldn't go.

The kids didn't make it to the wedding.

If you can get a court to decide on it now, that's in your best interest. She WILL find a way to be vindictive bitch.

I have done at least three commitment ceremonies for couples who had to NOT get legally married on their intended date because of some hijinks on the ex's part. It's cruel, it's manipulative and in some cases, expensive.

I think it's lovely but naive to think that there is no jealousy involved in the motivations of these ex-spouses to do whatever they can to ruin their former partners' lives, whether they want to be a part of those lives or not. I'm not talking just kids here, I'm talking about the very real motivation to make sure that the person in question is never happy again.

Yes, we'd love for everyone to walk away from the divorce (or soon to be) with the greater good in mind, but I can tell you for a fact that is betting on human nature, which is always risky in situations that inspire great emotion.

It's a pickle for sure, but personally, I'd not be betting on anyone to do the 'right thing' when so much is at stake.

I have an ex husband. I have a child. My ex got remarried several months ago.

Guess what? I did NOT want my son attending his fathers wedding. Did he? Yes. But WHY didn't I want him there? Not because I wanted to upset my ex - that does nothing for me or my son - but because I cared about my sons feelings.

My son is NOT overly fond of new wife. Why? Because her and exhusband consistently say, and I quote, things like, "Your mom is full of crap." "Your mom shouldn't have talked to you about that" etc. etc. (and I am SO overly, insanely careful to not say anything rude about them to him, or when he is around.. so much so - that it drives people in my life crazy haha)

My seven year old BEGGED me in private not to have to go. But in front of his dad he would mutter, hang his head, and say "I guess I'll come." For his dad, thats "_______ said he wants to come."

Nothing to do with wanting my ex, or being jealous. I don't want him. I don't want him in my life. I'm glad he's not calling me anymore now that he has someone else to annoy on a daily basis.

It is VERY possible that your FH's children have expressed to their mother they don't really want to go. That might be what you are picking up. They wouldn't tell you that, they might not even tell their father that. I have entered therapy for the SOLE purpose of learning what it is my son is going, and will go through because he has divorced parents. I have learned that it is very common for the children to open up to the custodial parent, but not the other parent. I have my son every day and night except for two weekend overnights a month.. which is how everyone wants it... ex husband, my son and I.

DO NOT GET INVOLVED. It is not your place. Sorry. Plan YOUR wedding, and what YOU and your family and friends will be doing. Let him plan what HIS family will be doing. IF you start to throw your weight around you ARE going to get backlash.. and she is the mother of his children. Those children? Chances are a part of them see this upcoming wedding as the death of a dream that Mommy and Daddy will get back together.

I left my husband when my son was 5 months old. The day after his fathers wedding my son curled up in my lap and sobbed for an hour.. I never knew he was hoping we would get back together... he has no memory of us being together... when he was crying about it I realized how deep it is in children to want a biologically intact family.

Keep in mind that this wedding is harder on others than you.

Proceed with grace, caution and understanding. Anything else is a losing situation for you because there are children involved here.

Rachel - the OTHER centerpiece

PS I know what goes on at family court... been there, done that.

If your FH is set on not moving the date, I would go to the judge asap and have it put in writing that he will have custody that week and the kids will be in attendance at the wedding. How old are the kids? If they are old enough, they can have a private meeting with the judge and make their wishes known.

I can only weigh in on this with my own experience, and that is that @Centerpiece is spot on.

According to XH's wife, I am the "vindictive EX." According to her, I am a horrible person who cheated on XH and mistreated him, then lied horribly about his abuse in an attempt to make him look bad (to who, I'll never know!), and I manipulate them through DS.

In reality? She is the vindictive one. XH and I were able to

Coparent reasonably civilly...until she came into the picture and no longer allowed him to communicate with me. She began making calls she had no right to make regarding things like holidays and vacation time, whether I could take DS on vacation out of state, etc. She would talk horribly about me in front of DS, while I stick to the rules laid out in the parenting plan and NEVER let ANYONE say anything about his dad in DS's presence.

This is the same woman who threw a fit about me driving DS the 2.5 hours from the hospital after a major surgery to the more local hospital where he was to continue with major inpatient physical therapy, because she didn't like my car. She then got XH to threaten me, IN FRONT OF DF AND DS, so that when DF took him aside to speak with him, she could berate me in front of DS, telling me I was a shit parent, that DF was a piece of shit, and she was going to do everything she could to get security to kick us out. She then ran crying from the room trying to convince everyone that I had screamed and yelled at her, and had it not been for his room being so close to the nurse's desk, it would have worked.

After all of that, and her continued psychotic behavior, I continue to be civil for DS's sake, because I can't prove it for court. This is the same woman who, two months before her first wedding to XH (they had two full $30k "weddings" in a matter of 5 months) threatened suicide by drinking and taking pills, declaring XH was cheating on her, then said he had gone back to me (why would I want that garbage?!), and then freaked out on the police when they arrived to taker to be committed.

She is nuts. Literally, certifiably, nuts. I just can't get a judge to do anything about it.

So forgive me when I hear these stories about women who are supposedly vindictive, when the entire story comes from the new woman in the guy's life, and I question how much is resentment that they have to deal with a coparent in their new man's life, and how much is actually the XW. I have personally seen that the new wife can be JUST as vindictive as they declare the XW to be. Not saying that is the case here, but it certainly feels like we are missing a HUGE chunk of information.

My ex husband left me after 17 years of marriage you a younger unmarried woman. My 13 year old daughter hates this woman but I highly encourage her relationship with her father regardless. FH encourages the relationship his kids have with their mother. He doesn't speak ill of her to them. They are continually disappointed by her. An example is when we are at a school event, she will tell FH to "step back" away from the kids because it isn't "his" custodial time. I've seen it with my own eyes. Kids are trying to hug dad and she is literally tugging their arms away from dad.

I do not think she wants him. There is no jealously that I see. She is just an unhappy person who seems to me to try her best and cause difficulties for FH.

I agree with most of the posters that I should take back control and choose the date that is a guarantee, which would be 28 May. FH wants one more opportunity to discuss the situation with his lawyer. He says we chose 8 July together and it is our date. I told him it now is leaving a sour taste in my mouth and I'd rather just pick a different date.

Thanks again for all your opinions and advice.

@ Centerpiece, if you knew me, you would know I'm all about the path of least resistance. I just want to get married. I don't care where or when. If FH wants to have a wedding for family and friends to witness our union, I'll honor that and give him the best event I can, but I just need a date to work with before it's too late.

Y'all are a wonderful group and I appreciate all the time you have spent helping me work through my situation.

Centerpiece - I agree with you that having the children attend a remarriage will be bittersweet for them at best. I think it's best to not have any expectation of attendance and allow them to make up their own mind. In the case of young children, I don't know if it serves any benefit for them to be there. But they should have an idea that the marriage will be taking place. This is only me speaking from my situation. DHs child is grown and was not in attendance. It was the right thing for his child even though the child loves us. Some things just need to be handled gently and allowance given that this ceremony may not be exciting and joyous for all involved.

Kids are ages 8, 11, and 13

Girlllll!!!!! I deal with "one of those" now so I so understand. Change it to a definite date you will have them. She will try and ruin it for you. Don't let her steal your happiness or ruin your day.

With the change in wedding date, I just wanted to say, don't be surprised if the children's attitudes change as the wedding draws closer. My half-siblings are older than your FH's children, but their mother planted the "she is stealing your dad / dad will move far away and have nothing to do with you" seeds all the same. Of the 2/3 that did show, one of them is absent from all the family pictures because she was crying; she bought into what propaganda her mother told her. Just something to be aware of.

Can you change it but not tell her until the last minute so she can't make trouble?

@Anne, check your state's laws because it can vary, but the kids might be old enough to be eligible for a private meeting with the judge regarding custody matters. Judges often take the kid's wishes into account when making decisions (to a reasonable extent). If the kids feel strongly about wanting to be there it might be worth letting them express it themselves to the judge.

Change it.

@Centerpiece- you're projecting your feelings/ experiences in a matter that is very different from your own, according to OP.

@Anne, I don't know you - you are correct. All I have to go on is what you show us... and when your post starts with "Ex Wife trying to hijack MY wedding date" it just doesn't sound like someone who just wants everyone to be happy... it sounds like someone gearing up for a fight.

But, I don't know you - on that you are correct.

Keep in mind however that there is a lot of history, and five different people with five sets of feelings... if you really just want to marry your FH and this isn't about "winning" and having his and her children at your wedding? Then 110% allow your FH to decide this on his own... IE: Let him know that there is NO wrong decision in your book... that ALL you want is him there ready to say I do.

@MNA - omg... you have NO IDEA how similar my situation is! I so want to chat outside of WW!

Rachel/CP2

@Centerpiece: You can find me on Facebook under Shinespark Polish. I rarely check messages unless I get an alert email, but I'll keep an eye open. I only use it for business advertising really, lol. I can give you my email securely that way though.

Change to the sure date

With Celia, change the date!

OP, I'm in a similar situation as far as the vindictive ex-wife goes. I would never have believed that anyone could be so awful or crazy! My FH and I aren't even mentioning the wedding date to the kids (with whom I have a wonderfully close relationship) until the month of the wedding because we do NOT want it getting back to her. We are also choosing a date on which we will absolutely have custody, with no chance that she can ruin it.

My advice? Move it to Memorial Day and don't tell the kids until you have to, and don't tell the ex at all (it'll get back to her when you tell the kids, but it isn't her business so don't tell her directly). Good luck!