Ex Wife trying to hijack MY wedding date

Having witnessed first hand the over the top vindictive behavior of some ex's, I'd change it to the sure date.

1) I find it a little petty for his ex wife to be doing something like that.

2) I agree with Celia- try to change it to make sure that they will be there.

Change it to the sure date or go back to court for a one time modification. I think not telling her the date of the wedding would have been the best policy, but I guess that horse is out of the barn now.

Also, the lawyer may have just been pulling your FH's lawyer's chain. If her lawyer is so unprofessional as to suggest her client is using custody to be a vindictive bitch that will not play well in court. Make absolutely positive that that is what was said, and that she actually plans to do that before you do anything. This may all just be smoke and mirrors to wring a concession out of your FH on the custody issues.

There is no getting the dates sooner? What is FH's thought?

Change it to the sure date!

I'm with Celia. Change it to May if you can.

I think I'd change the date to a time when the kids are guaranteed to be with you and FH since you are able to do it.

I'd change it and don't clue her in on it, if possible. My FH ex is like that and she has messed up so many plans already. So now we only plan and clue kids in if we have to!

I am sorry that's happening. Yeah. She sounds like a petty and unpredictable individual. Play it safe and go for the sure date.

Unfortunately, I would change the date. It will save you headaches later down the road.

That's so petty! I think I would change it to the for-sure date. If the ex is that vindictive I don't see her giving it up before then, and you'll end up regretting not switching. If you do switch... You're guaranteed to have the kids, you're married a little sooner and the stress is over sooner, and maybe you can plan yourselves a fun little trip together for the 4th of July week (in case that date has significance to you), anyway, so it seems like a win-win.

If you change the date then don't tell ex wife until after she gives you her date. Or else she might try to ruin the date again. Or maybe tell her you changed the date to see if that changes her plans...

Thanks for the quick advice. Wow! This woman is incredibly vindictive. She is the one who walked out and didn't want to be married to him after 13 years and 3 kids but she is miserable and she enjoys making our lives hell.

Her lawyer can't stand her so he is very frank with FH's lawyer. He had been for a few years now. She fired her last lawyer because she wasn't getting her way.

I am going to propose the Memorial Day thing to FH tonight at dinner. I'm thinking about a Sunday wedding on the 28th since everyone will be off that Monday. It's doable but quite a quick DW weekend since the kids don't get out of school until Fri afternoon.

We realized after the fact that we shouldn't have told the kids the date because that is how it got back to her.

@Emily, I like the idea of celebrating the 4th of July separately. It's FH's favorite holiday and it's the date we got engaged.

Thank you all again so very much for the words of wisdom. I love this group! You are all incredibly kind people.

Change the date, and then prepare for her to leave you with the kids July 4th anyway.

I hope it all works out!

Anne, you do realize, do you not, that you are buying into rhetoric that you cannot substantiate with even a scintilla of personal experience? That's the foundation of your argument, and that's why it's weak.

You say, "This woman is incredibly vindictive. She is the one who walked out and didn't want to be married to him after 13 years and 3 kids but she is miserable and she enjoys making our lives hell." Thirteen years says, "I gave it my all". Three children says, "We had a dream, a hope for the future, but in the end, the dream died and the three children remained." Healthy people do not enjoy making each other miserable, and since he picked her, we can assume one of two things: either he has absolutely no discernment that assists him in choosing the healthy or the sociopaths, or he gave as good as he got. Don't make the all too common mistake of believing his carefully formulated, packaged response when it came to dating after divorce; excuses that absolve him from all responsibility in the disintegration of a marriage of 13 years that produced three children.

The truth is, she doesn't care who you are, what you do, where you came from, or how long you're in the picture. She cares about one thing: her children. If you want to build a bridge to those children that doesn't include smearing their mother's reputatipn -- and that should be of primary importance in your life -- you can begin by forgetting his carefully rehearsed script and looking each of those children in their eyes and telling them, "I'm not here to replace your mother. Your mother is a woman you are connected to, and will always be connected to. I'm not here to break or weaken that connection. I respect her, I honor her, and I would never say a word against her (unless she's a crack head/prostitute)." Once you inject phrases like "She's trying to hijack our wedding", you're not only hurting yourself, but you're hurting those precious children. It isn't easy to be a step-mother, but it can be incredibly rewarding if you remember your position in their lives.

Whatever you're planning as far as your wedding to their father is concerned, do it around HIS schedule. She doesn't owe you a day so that her children can attend your wedding. Secondly, be completely confident in the fact that these children want to attend this wedding. I won't even get into the details a personal experience in which two "Jr. BMs", ages 5 and 7 -- daughters of the bride -- left the ceremony and spent the majority of the reception being comforted in the bathroom because they had finally realized that mommy and daddy were over, forever.

You're walking a delicate road. Treat it as such, and stop with the histrionic language. His day is his day. Get used to having your plans adjusted by who gets the kids on what days.

Change the date to when you are sure you will have the kids. According to the agreement, she gets to pick vacation week first, and if she plans a vacation for that week, well, that's when her vacation is, regardless of her motivation for choosing that week. Even if your FH wanted to file something to change that, you probably don't have time. I was in my local family court today (I'm a law student) and they are scheduling court dates into mid-February already.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this! I'd change it. Just in case.

OP - I understand how a difficult ex can cause great frustration on your end and for your FH. My best advice is to keep out of it as much as possible. This is their situation to work out. Just plan your future to the best of your ability based on the availability that you are certain about.

I agree with The Centerpiece Flowers. I think we need a little more information about your relationship with these kids, how they feel about dad, dad getting remarried, etc - before you change the date.