Engagement Party/Bridal Shower Norms

Yeah, it's kinda late for an engagement party and too early for a shower.

I'd wait to have the shower until February.

AND someone has to throw both/each for you. You don't throw it/them yourself.

It's really not for you to plan. If someone offers to plan a party or shower for you, great, but you don't ask for parties to be thrown for you.

He's right. It seems to in the middle. Is he going to host the shower? If so it should be done closer to the wedding.He can host a couples shower so you won't be alone opening gifts.

You really shouldn't throw yourself an engagement party or shower, or ask someone to do it for you. Your father is right that you shouldn't have a shower if you haven't even set a date. A shower is normally thrown sometime between a few months and a few weeks before your wedding.

A shower is usually like 1-2 months before the wedding. Showers and parties aren't necessary and you shouldn't plan them yourself.

You dad is right

I agree with your dad. Also, don't plan your own. Why dont you set a budget first, find a venue and then start planning? You can involve your grandma in helping you plan some of the wedding related things so you have time to bond with her.

The only thing I would mention is the sooner you can move in together, the better. It's sooooo important to know what you can live with before making that leap!

I wasn't specifically saying I would throw the party for myself. It would be/could be hosted by our parents. One of the most important aspects behind my thinking is my grandma, who I really really want to be a part of some kind of wedding celebration.

I am very low key, low maintenance and cost conscious, so my thinking was simply celebrate the engagement a little late, and the shower (with both of us present) a little early. It would be fairly small and casual, family and our bridal party friends. Timing would be November, because my aunt will already be in NJ for one of her visits, so she wouldn't need to make a special trip out. I wouldn't want to wait too long because of my grandma.

Also, I don't want to register for fancy expensive things I will never use, so it would be practical to have this gathering before moving in together and register for the basics that we will need and use to live together. I don't need a $200 picture frame or $100 decorative bowl, but a set of pots and pans and toaster oven are the sort of things we would need.

Like I said, nothing seems typical or "the norm" these days. Some people get married 3 months after getting engaged, others 3 years. Some have kids first, a friend of mine who just got married in July don't even have their own place yet; they're living with her parents!

thanks for the input!

@Courtney, also, change your avatar on desktop so we can get to know you better

My grammas are both gone... Follow your heart.. Don't miss a beat! Even a pizza party at a family's home, who cares! Your gramma can share the joy! Plus, have the pizzeria spell you and your fiances name "to be" in pepporoni!! Cute, easy, paper plates, and grammas there!

Are you set on April? I would start planning the wedding asap if so. Many venues and vendors book 1-2 years in advance. I'd focus on booking a venue and setting your date first, once you have that set, if your friends/family would like to throw you a shower than I'm sure they will.

@Sam I know they aren't necessary which is why I am trying to be practical and combine the 2 on a small scale.

For example, I see a shower as more necessary than a $2,000 wedding dress.

@HLH, I briefly rented in a room in a house with others for just over a year and my fiance (at the time boyfriend of only 6-8 months) stayed over a lot and we do well together. And that was just in the living space of a single bedroom! We balance each other really well and despite some of his typical guy laziness, I think we'll be just fine! :-)

Thanks everyone!

@Michelle, I am pretty low key so a get together at a house is something I'd consider depending on number of people. Like I said it would be family and our bridal party. Small back room of a restaurant or something.

@Jessinlove, will upload a photo shortly! :-)

@futuremrsg, We met in April, so I'd like April. :-) Also, it's not peak wedding season, so pricing is better, and it's not freezing winter, or hot summer. So that's why I'm leaning towards that month.

So guys, if we had a date set, would a couples shower then still be inappropriate?

I don't want to confuse or offend people or seem like I am just looking for gifts or a party! I am mainly concerned that my grandma won't be around much longer. :-/

If a registry/shower isn't mean to sort of "furnish" an apartment, then what is it for? Like I said, I'm practical, I'd rather receive a gift of a toaster oven (used often, even if not for 6 months) then champagne flutes (used once a year) so why not use a shower that way, not for miscellaneous items I don't really need?

In my parents generation, my parents got married in 1978 or 1979, couples almost never lived together before getting married so a registry and shower was to provide the couple with things they needed and wanted to live life together. My mom had her shower, then a few months later they got married! They probably unofficially moved in to the apartment a week before the wedding. And then they had their gifts to use for everyday and celebrations. Then they bought their furniture obviously.

If you set a date first , then yes a shower would be appropriate. But, do not plan your own. If your family says they're hosting then great. Is your grandma ill? Why do you think she won't be around much longer?

@Jessinlove, my grandmother is 89 and my only grandparent still alive. I remember my other grandmother at one point had said a few times she hoped she was around for my wedding, and sadly she isn't. :-(

She hasn't been her version of 100% for awhile. Weakness, lack of appetite, she has something called nonessential tremor as well as parkinsons. They're not sure why she is feeling the way she is feeling now. Lots of tests being run, etc. So we just don't know what is going on or what will happen when.

2016 is nothing like 1978. In 1978 people got married at 21, cost of living was much much less, our parents didn't have excessive school loans, or expensive cell phone bills. Now, many people get married in their late 20's and early 30's. Older relatives are less likely to be around in many cases.

We can't get married yet because of all these financial hurdles.

We haven't set a date because of the economic instability of the time we live in. What if we set a date end of April, 2018 and start paying for stuff but then we have some sort of financial set back? I was unemployed nearly 8 months until last October, kept afloat barely by 1 part time job and 2 nanny jobs. Now I have 2 part time jobs and 1 nanny job and it still isn't enough. I am doing very well with savings, but with the world we live in, it is never enough.

And no, I'm not waiting to get married so I can have a big expensive wedding, but I don't want to do something really small. I want a scaled down version, 80-100 people, of a typical, but still simple wedding, at a location where it isn't $150 a plate. I have researched at least half a dozen locations in NJ that fit what I am looking for, but 95 people at $80 a plate still adds up along with other costs. I have also seen nearly a dozen dresses I like for under $800. So I plan on being careful, practical, and on a strict budget, but I still can't do it so soon just so my grandma can be a part of it.

Which is why my little "Engagement Shower" seemed fitting so that there could be a celebration sooner rather than later, that I can be almost certain my grandma can be a part of. :-)

Showers are for setting your life off together - but those items are gifts with the intention of you getting married - and shouldn't be used until after you wed.

If you set a date april 2017 - you have the shower no earlier than Jan 2017 - and anyone invited is invited to the wedding.

I am sorry your no getting the answer you want but a shower any earlier or without deff. Wedding plans is not acceptable.

If you want to include your grandma take her and your families to the court house. Get married and take them all out for dinner.

A shower cant be more important than a dress. Since one your control (dress) and the other you have no say (the shower)

Also you dont choose when the shower is or what it is - since you don't host

You, FH, both sets of parents and grandma get together for dinner. Boom, you've had your celebration with her in attendance.

You can justify what you want to do all you want, but as so many of posters have said, it's too late for an engagement party and until you have plans set in motion with a date, you should not have a shower and that shower shouldn't take place until shortly before the wedding. Frankly, if your finances are as you say, you shouldn't be planning a wedding at all. The court house and dinner after make you just as married.

For us it started with a budget, how much money can we set aside each month and still be able to pay for things as we have before. Then we decide ok, with this money what venue can we afford and how many people can we host. Then once we have our venue , we pick our date.

So is April 2017 feasible for you? You want to host 80 to 100 people, that's quite a lot. You might have to cut down on your guest list to make it something you amd FH can afford without adding too much pressure to your finances. Or you can decide to do a cake and punch type of thing or have your ceremony earlier in the day and serve lunch instead of a full blown reception. All of these things will save you money and keep you on track to have your wedding in April and not have to postpone.

Sorry to hear that your grandmother's health is not the best right now. I truly hope she gets better. I can understand you wanting to make this wedding happen sooner than later. But for now include her in anyway you can, ask her opinions about dresses, colors etc. I'm sure she will appreciate and enjoy bonding with you over the little things.

Good luck Courtney