Engagement Party/Bridal Shower Norms

It seems like you aren't quite ready to set a date, so I would hold off on the shower. Why don't you invite just your immediate families (parents/grandparents) to a small dinner to celebrate your engagement instead of a party? We did this and it was a really nice night.

In addition, you don't actually have a "date set" until you book a venue, which requires a deposit. April is only 8 months away, and it is the start of peak wedding season for most places. I'd be hesitant to commit to anything until you do some research. You shouldn't go into any debt for your wedding, and 80-100 people hosted properly will be at least $10,000+ (being extremely cautious and budget friendly with everything). If you aren't ready for the financially, plan for April 2018 instead, and have the wedding of your dreams.

There is no way you should be asking for gifts by asking someone to host you a shower without a venue booked and date set.

@Sarah I wouldn't quite say I'm looking for someone to completely agree with me.

Maybe someone went through a similar situation as me, similar concerns about a family member, and wanting to do what is right at the same time. Plus my dad also said, "But what do I know?" Meaning he's a 61 year old guy that doesn't know about or really pay attention to these things lol.

@futuremrsg, April 2018, sorry! I'm one of those "2000 still feels like 6 years ago, not 16 years ago" people! In fact, I wrote 2015 on something just recently, so 2017 feels further away than it actually is!

:-O

@Jessinlove I should have mentioned I am an event videographer in NJ. Our location is home to many high end fancy weddings with 150 guests that probably cost like $50,000 or more. 100 people is small in this area.

@going to the chapel, my finances aren't bad, but they aren't stable enough for my liking.

My fiance and I are "pre-planning." We have a list of venues to check out, I know some djs and photographers. We decided to hold off on actual planning until his car payments end (in January I believe) and he has enough college credits to substitute teach (which will be in January/February). So then not only will he have extra money each month from substitute teaching, he will have extra money from not paying a car payment!

So perhaps everything should be on hold until then.

Car payments end, substitute teaching starts, book venue in March/April, have a couples shower July/August, move in together September/October, then finish planning and wedding.

Does that sound more reasonable to all you?

And again, thanks for everyone being so helpful and putting things into perspective!

I just am really careful about planning and anxious about setbacks and all.

:-)

So, when would the wedding be? Finding a venue is going to be the problem, especially if you wait until next spring. The majority will be booked for the remainder of 2017. Again, it would be rude to have a couples shower just so you can furnish your apartment without the wedding date set to occur within a couple of months. As my grandma would say, "You are trying to have your cake and eat it too."

You must be type A. I get it.

YOU DON'T CHOOSE WHEN YOUR PARTY OR SHOWER IS. THE HOST PLANS, NOT YOU.

Look everyone, I only meant for the question I posted to provide some background on my thoughts and situation....I'm not planning a shower or party for myself, but the way my family is, I'm sure I'd have some insight into the planning.

Financially, we can't have a wedding as soon after being engaged as others, so I thought the idea of a small celebration to honor the engagement and our families and love would be a nice thing and at the same time, why not make it a shower as well so we don't need another expense of a shower at a later date. I believe my fiance and I will pay for a lot of our wedding expenses ourselves.

I'm trying to be reasonable and practical but still nice, special and memorable in terms of how and when to celebrate.

I can't fathom that a celebration that also serves the purpose of a shower that happens to be timed closer to us moving in together is seen as rude or greedy. I saw it as making sense so that we can receive everyday items for our first home together. I have seen plenty of wedding registries that include everyday items like bedding and bath towels, pots and pans, even irons and garbage cans. They also include fancy champagne flutes, expensive picture frames, candy dishes, etc. I wouldn't really want to include the latter on my registry.

If YOUR DAD wants to throw you a shower, he certainly can whenever he sees fit (although the norm is 4-8 weeks before the wedding). But not if you aren't actually planning a wedding. And planning to plan doesn't count.

And on that note, if you can't afford to buy things for your own home, you aren't ready for marriage. Do not expect gifts, graciously accept them if given.

@goinggoodwin, I don't expect gifts. But that's what typically is accepted at a shower. And I am practical as to what we will register for so that we can get plenty of use and enjoyment out of what my fiance and I receive. We will be able to afford things for a home, but what in the world would I register for other than home items? Obviously not a couch and curtains.

@Sarah, I am not an exception to any rules. Many people do things outside the realm of norm these days. Like I've stated before, some live together before wedding, some still don't. Some are engaged for 3 months, some 3 years. Some have 40 guest weddings, some have court house weddings, some have 300 guest weddings. Some don't have showers, some don't have engagement parties. I am simply putting my thoughts and ideas out there because in a way, it made sense to me based on my own needs and wants and what others around me have done. It is not based off of any greed or outlandish desires I have.

Even after I modified my idea of a timeline based on the helpful suggestions of others I still receive backlash and have been treated so unfairly and have my thoughts mistaken for wrongdoing on my very first post here. I certainly don't feel understood or welcome here. I don't think I'll be posting again.

What I intended to be a simple protocol question went way off the path of my intentions.

Soooooo what is it you want to know/do?

@GymRat

I wanted to know the norm or what outside the norm is acceptable for some kind of small combined celebration/couples shower that could take place in 3-6 months, even though late to celebrate engagement and early for a shower.

I simply wanted to share that I have 1 elderly grandmother left out of 4 grandparents, that I want to be able to partake in some sort of wedding festivities in the event she is not around when the actual wedding comes along.

Due to the high cost of everything these days: standard bills, purchasing or renting a condo, paying for a wedding, along with job uncertainty (as the economy is fairly fragile), etc, I can't have a wedding as soon as others might be able to.

So I understand that it is not best practice to have this small celebration in 2-3 months but to wait until a date is set, venue selected, and we are closer to moving in together. So I presented a shifted timeline in one of my posts above. All who know me see me as practical, careful with money, sensitive to others feelings, and considerate.

Responses were reasonable at first, but then suddenly turned to make me seem like a greedy, selfish bridezilla only looking for a party to be thrown in my honor immediately so I can receive items to furnish an apartment with way too many months before I should expect a shower.....when I am the exact opposite. :-(

As we've all stated, it would be rude to have a shower and it is too late to have an engagement party . This does not mean that you can't celebrate your engagement though. Have a small dinner with your parents, FHs parents, and your grandma to celebrate your engagement. This is a very easy solution.

OP, nearly every response is telling you the same thing. It is too early for a shower, your father is right. If you want to celebrate just go out to dinner with your parents and grandparents, boom problem solved. But it seems like that's not what you want to hear and you will probably end up doing what you want to regardless of our advice. ETA: *hear

And if you do continue and have a shower. You will appear to be extremely gift grabby as you are having a bridal shower with no date in mind. You can't have it both ways. Have a celebratory dinner as everyone has suggested.

@BeachDreams, I didn't know what to expect to hear as everyone does things differently these days. Long engagements, short engagements, court house weddings, no bridal shower, etc. But once the responses rolled in I realized it made sense and won't rush into any sort of extended celebration/couples shower until closer to the wedding.

What is upsetting is that people are accusing me of only wanting a shower/party so that I can be given lots of lots of gifts so that I don't need to spend a dime on as single item for the future home my fiance and I will share and that I plan on making someone plan such a party for me. That is not the case. I wanted to have a celebration sooner because of my grandmother, and 1 celebration instead of 2 to save on future costs! Simple as that.

Honestly, do what makes you happy. Sure, maybe it's too late for an engagement dinner/shower/celebration, but if those that are attending don't care, then I wouldn't worry about it. We all don't fit into one bubble of set rules to follow.

Several posters have already told you how to have a simple, cost effective celebration. Dinner with parents and grandma. Hell, invite the siblings too. That's just not what you want to hear. You want some sort of party. Well guess what? No one is offering, so do the dinner and have a great time spending more time with grandma than you would at a conventional shower/engagement party.

@Kelsey, exactly...."we all don't fit into one bubble set of rules to follow."

BUT I understand and agree with what all of you have said about it being too soon for a shower! So I am not considering it for 2-3 months from now. Instead we will set a date, book a venue, then discuss an "all hands on deck" planning approach to a small celebration/shower when the timing is better.

That is ALL I wanted an opinion on.

@Going to the chapel...it's not that no one is offering, they all know we were holding off on serious wedding planning until my fiance can start substitute teaching and his car payments are done.

The idea to do a celebration sooner just came to me recently and quickly because of my grandmother. But I am not expecting a party at any time, it was just an idea. Because I am considering others, not myself, with the idea I presented earlier simply because we have had no celebration or dinner and my grandmothers health as her presence at our wedding would be special for me.