EEK!! Demoting a MOH to Bridesmaid!

It's *it's, Andi.

I don't think expecting the MOH to show up sober to dress shopping is asking her to be a "slave to the event". Based on the information the OP has given, I don't think she's asked too much from her MOH, and better to have the conversation about expectations now than later.

Jessica, I think you have completely valid concerns. It's going to be rough either way, but do what you gotta do. Maybe you can tell her that you have to use your sister as your MOH to appease your family, or something. Maybe that will soften the blow.

Jessica, the fact that you say she's your best friend, but you believe that you won't stay close with the distance between you, and that you regret your choice of MOH fills in a big blank for me: If my BFF behaved this way - no matter how immature and irresponsible - my reaction would be concern for my friend, and considering to talk to her about getting medical intervention - therapy or counseling and possibly medication to help with depression and/or anxiety. My first reaction would not be to use this as a convenient excuse to replace her!

Generally when someone does something like that, there is a reason - good or bad, it's not random. If you are a true friend to her, you owe it to her to talk to her about what's going on before you make any decision what to do. If she is too consumed with sadness, with anxiety, or whatever to really be at your side through this, tell her that you do not want to add to her stress, and OFFER her the option to either step down entirely and attend as a guest, or to participate as a BM. If she says she wants to be your MOH, you can have anyone you like helping you - there is no prohibition against someone other than the MOH being your wingman!

BTW, even the etiquette mavens disagree on whether MOHs have responsibilties beyond 'just showing up'. There is no consensus - there are entire books written for BMs to know what to do and how to do it, so bottom line is brides shouldn't assume anything when it comes to people and roles/responsibilities - it's up to us to communicate, and not make assumptions...in an ideal world, of course! Just take it as a lesson learned...

Kicking someone out to punish her for being drunk is absolutely out of line.

If she's a close friend you find out why she's behaving this way...you don't punish her.

It certainly is Kristin. damn voice typing on the Samsung Galaxy.

I think no matter what you do it's a friendship changing move.

Rebecca, I agree with most of your post. In fact that's the first thing I said. There's probably something going on with her friend and she needs to have an honest talk to find out what's going on and to see if she can handle being the MOH. Giving her the option to step down is a great way to handle it. Let her make the decision. And yes, I also agree it's important to communicate and set expectations from the beginning.

I do not think asking someone to step down means you don't care about them, or are trying to 'punish' them. If she's acting out because of personal problems, it's actually a kindness. It's not fair to the friend to put extra stress on her, and its not fair to the bride to expect her to just 'deal' with it.

Where in this post did the OP say that she reached out to her friend to ask if something is wrong, if she's okay, if she's going through something? Instead, the entire post is about how she doesn't answer texts, doesn't fetch addresses, and hasn't apologized. It's not about releasing her because she cares.

My opinion is that if you are close enough to someone to ask them to be a part of your wedding, you are close enough to them to talk through any problems and to be honest with them. If you don't think it's worth it to give it a go then you probably aren't that good of friends. That being said, I definitely don't think you should tolerate a one sided friendship if that's what it is.

I totally agree with Laura on this, but I also think a lot of Brides don't make it clear that they expect their BMs or MOH to perform certain duties prior to or on the day of the wedding.

You are absolutely right. Im a redneck bumpkin. Feel better about yourself?I was just commenting on a post. But good job trying to be a bitch on a wedding forum. Wasn't trying to piss in your cheerios tonight!@ Adixlyn

I don't agree that a MOH's only responsibility is to show up and hold the ring. Maybe the BM, but not the MOH. Sounds like this BFF doesn't want to be in the wedding or at least not MOH. I'd give her the option to step down or step up to the plate. I do agree that you should talk to her (or the new MOH if you get one) about expectations moving forward. If you two are truly BFFs, you BOTH owe each other a certain level of understanding and concern. That's not a one way street.

Furthermore, I don't see why asking her to step down is a friendship ending move. The OP needs something the MOH can't (or is unwilling to) provide. What's friendship ending about that?

It is YOUR wedding and not BM or MOH so we can't expect them to drop their lives because we decided to get married. Yes they should be there for all the emotional support but rest is up to them in my opinion. All the time it took to write this post and comment on it could be use completing your addresses.

Ok Jessica, so you asked how to demote your best friend to a bridesmaid without damaging your relationship.

One way or another, your relationship is damaged. Obviously, your feelings are hurt that she is not living up to what you expected from a maid of honor. Have you tried talking with her at all? Finding out what is going on? Asking her what *she* expected to do as a MoH?

A wedding is one day. That's it. A friendship could last a lot longer than that, but like marriage it takes a whole lot of work and can get very messy.

You've got to decide what is important to you and go for it.

'The activities of the principal bridesmaid may be as many or as varied as she allows the bride to impose upon her. Her only required duty is to participate in the wedding ceremony. Typically, however, she is asked for help with the logistics of the wedding as an event, such as addressing invitations, and for her help as a friend, such as attending the bride as she shops for her wedding dress.'

Just pointing out that traditionally her only job is to attend to you on the day of your wedding. That's it. Everything else is purely optional.

Just remember that it's your wedding, not hers. Her life does not stop just because you're getting married. Both my MOH and my BM are in the UK (a long way from me) and they both have incredibly busy lives (my MOH is just expecting her second child, and the BM is the General Manager of a massive historic estate) I would never dream of expecting them to drop everything every time I needed them.

Sure I ask them for advice and suggestions when I'm not sure about something -and my MOH is designing my invites (because she's a graphic designer...) but I don't expect them to do anything other than get their dresses and be there to support me at the wedding.

I think you are expecting too much of her - and if she really is your best friend then you would never dream of 'demoting' her. This isn't a job or the army.

Plus - if she got that drunk there is almost certainly something else going on - like perhaps she has her own shit to deal with and actually needs you to be there for her.

Oh my goodness, be there for your friend! There is obviously something wrong, instead of talking about demoting her, ask her what's happening in her life right now, that's what a real friend would do.

Yes, I would definitely have a talk with her, ask her if something is wrong, or ask how you can help. Hopefully she'll realize how important her role is and you two can get this behind you.

As for the traditional roles of the MOH/BM's, I think once again, it's regional/cultural. My daughter's MOH has been there from the very beginning of the wedding planning. She has planned the entire shower(while enlisting the BM's ideas), will plan the bachelorette party(again with the BM's input), and has done everything she can to help my daughter. It was her choice, and she is loving every minute of it.

I actually agree that the so-called "duties" of MOH/BM's appear to be regional. In my area, its totally normal for the girls to be there during the planning process, help with details, go dress shopping etc.

And my MOH literally gets antsy if we don't discuss wedding details! She is over the moon excited for "duties" and honestly sometimes even more excited than I am. She would be hurt if I left her out of something. This is totally normal for MOH amongst people I know.

That being said, it clearly sounds like your friend is upset over something. Maybe she is sad that her life isn't progressing the way yours is, or is upset about a relationship, or even upset that your relationship with her may change. I would definitely talk to her and see how it goes from there.

That being said, I did have a girl opt out/get removed from my bp. It seemed to be mutual, idk, I didn't want her involved bc she started acting funny towards me and basically being rude etc after demanding to be MOH, the whole situation was odd. I was relieved, as was my other girls. So, that's definitely something to consider. I never in a million years would have expected that to happen, but it did.