DW-marry before or after?

OP actually stated she is getting married in Mexico. And @Kaitlyn....you weren't invited to it so why are you so concerned?

@MexicoinMarch - I'd do it before. Don't worry about the name change (if you're changing it) until after. Just make sure the name you book everything with and the name on your ID matches. That's what FH and I are doing (wedding in Costa Rica).

Edited for using wrong tag for OP's name!

@MrsWrs like I said I went to a "wedding" in the past that I had to spend several thousand dollars to attend, take my kids out of school, etc. We were pressured to go because it was family. When we got to the reception someone let it slip that the B & G actually had been married for a while and lied to everyone. About 70% of the guests left almost immediately, and took back their gifts. When they saw people taking the gifts back they tried to take the card box, but that failed. We all went out to dinner and the couple has been written off by almost all the family, no one talks to them anymore. So, yes I check public records now. If we knew the couple was already married, we would not have gone to the "wedding", but probably would have sent a gift. When you spend thousands and take kids out of school, which is difficult to do nowadays (vacations are not excused absences), you want to make sure the event that you are invited to, if it is a wedding, is actually a wedding.

Yes I know OP is getting married in Mexico. I read your comment wrong, and I apologize. It wouldn't matter to me if the wedding was religious or not.

I don't have any pros or cons but I've only ever heard of people getting married legally before the ceremony. So which anniversary do you celebrate?? Lol

Do it before. If you're planning to live in the US, it makes way more sense to have your legal license originate here.

The 'lying to your guests' thing has to die a quick death.

@MrsWrs same sex weddings are legal everywhere in the US. I don't know anyone outside the US who is a same sex couple, but if a legal ceremony isn't permitted by law, that is different. I know OP isn't lying to people, I was explaining why I check public records and it is because I was lied to.

I totally agree, i'd do it before. Just wait to change your name when you get back because of travel documents. Congratulations!

@Mrs. Fall Bride I explained why I do that. I was lied to in the past. If I am going to have to spend tons of money to attend a wedding, it better be a wedding.

@MrsWrs no I don't. Sorry. If someone invites me to a wedding, it better be a wedding. If I am invited to a commitment ceremony and I KNOW the couple is already married then I have the choice of weather to go or not. I am not going to spend a bunch of money and take kids out of school to attend a commitment ceremony where the couple is already married. I think a lot of people who choose to legally get married and hide that fact and lie to guests know that many people won't go because it isn't a real wedding and they want the gifts.

@Mrs. Fall Bride almost 70% of the guests were pissed and got worked up because we were lied to. I do not take kindly to being lied to. Lying is relationship ending for me.

So....this thread.

1.OP get married before or after it's up to you. I say if your staying in Mexico for an extended period (honeymoon?) then get married before in case any medical issues come up. Don't change your name until you get back because it can take a while to get your passport and things in order.

2. The the tax break thing is kinda wrong. If you file your taxes as a married couple no matter if you are "paperwork legally married" the IRS counts you as married. I work for years in a tax office and had to deal with the IRS because a couple falsely stated they were married and then the woman couldn't get her taxes filed the next year after they broke up because she didn't have a divorce decree.

3. It's your choice to not go to DWs where the couple gets legally married before or after. The OP didn't ask for opinions on that front because her family has already made a decision. She didn't invite you, so congrats you don't have to attend!

4. Can't lie to someone if they have already been told that the Legal ceremony will take place in the USA.

No need to get worked up over it, everyone can have different opinions and still get along.

Honestly, I'm doing the same thing as my FH is American and for us to be married in Britain where I'm from is so much paperwork and we have to be in the country for 2 weeks at least a month before the wedding... don't have the money for that! We are having our "legal" wedding here fairly soon because that works for us and then not having the ceremony in the UK until May of next year, AND we're having a wedding celebration here next year after that for our American friends. I say do it before, it covers your butts and then often you can have them "bless your marriage" which is what we are doing over there! I stressed about this because of all the people on here saying its horrible to do to your guests, but then I talked to actual humans in real life who care about me and who I care about and realized that none of them care. ITS LITERALLY YOUR LIFE, so ignore these stuffy people who go to people's weddings and ask to see their freakin' marriage license and proof of marriage or they will never speak to the person again. I personally would not care to have those dramaqueens at my wedding!

TL;DR I think getting married before is beneficial, because then it can be blessed and also just better to get everything organized in advance I think! Also ignore stuffy rude people on here, people that care about you will not care at all and will just want to support YOU in your decisions and what works best for you

I'm not having a destination wedding, and we're signing our license a week after our wedding ceremony. We strongly believe that church and state should be separate, and that means the ceremony (a spiritually based ritual) should not be mixed with the signing of legal documents. For those who disagree, that's fine and dandy, but I stand by my convictions. As far as I'm concerned, etiquette is not involved in this decision. It's no one's damn business when I choose to sign my license. It is not lying to anyone, because as I said, it's not their business in the first place.

@kaitlyn your comments seem self centered. Ok, so you're pissed that you were lied to because the couple was already married. But, now what you are basically saying is that you refuse to support a couple's marriage (because you refuse to attend their "commitment ceremony), simply because it inconvenienced you. And the fact that you actually check public records is a bit obsessive. It's a party, FFS. You're getting fed, your getting booze, you're getting cake, you're getting entertainment. Sorry it isn't enough for you.

My husband and I had to sign our marriage license early last year before our June 3rd date. I have a disease that took a turn, and I had to go on his health insurance (people like you are the reason why I have to share such information). After that, we still proceeded with our big wedding celebration that had already been planned last month. We exchanged our marriage vows in front of our family and friends, and not only was it special to us, but important to them to witness. No one cared that we didn't sign papers afterwards. I assume if you were a close loved one to us, you wouldn't have been there. That is pretty insulting. People have legit reasons to get married early and have a celebration later. I feel bad for your family members who marry early and still want to invite you to celebrate with them. A vow renewal (it's not a commitment ceremony) is still a celebration of a wedding.

OP, I'm sorry you have this argument on your thread. To your original question, it's up to you, really, if you want to marry before of after. But, symbolic weddings generally happen after the legal wedding, because then you are actually married and not still engaged after the ceremony. Otherwise, there's really no point. Also, I would get married before, just in case something happens. I have gotten very sick and had to see a doctor on two of my trips to Mexico. Anything can can happen.

When we were considering doing the same I just always assumed we'd marry before. Not sure why, it just felt right that way.

Then Kaitlyn, you might want to insist on proof of consummation.

Sweet tap dancing jesus......

I have done close to 1600 weddings personally and you know how often anyone has asked me if the ceremony was the legal ceremony? Once. Because the close family knew that the couple was living overseas and would continue to do so; it must made far better sense for them to get married there. Oh, and for the commitment ceremony buffs? I had an elegant disclaimer at the beginning we had no formal 'marriage' lanquage (not even in their self written vows) and no formal pronouncement.

IMO Anybody checking public records to see if someone is legally married before they attend a wedding has WAY to much time on their hands. That is CRAZY. I've never ever seen someone ask or CARE whether the marriage is legal. Who gives a fuck? Its not your business when they sign their docs. *inserts eye roll*

Anyway, OP Personally I would do it before just in case and get my name changed after. My best friend did it the opposite way last year. We went to Jamaica in May and they signed their docs at the beginning of June with an officiant here in the states.

All 35 of us gave ZERO fucks. We had an awesome vacay. They had an awesome wedding.

Don't tell anyone you already legally married. Then no one can be offended or decide not to come, tell you it's not a real wedding, etc. They won't know and it's not rude or your duty to tell them. You get your marriage license 60 -90 days before the wedding anyways. You don't have to get married at the courthouse, you can do a signature only marriage.

In most states you can't do a 'signature only' wedding. I know in NJ, there has to be some variety of ceremony, no matter how minimal. And here, our licenses expire in 30 days.

I'd probably do it before the DW. That way, when you get announced as husband and wife, it will feel complete And it would be one less thing to worry about when you get back.

For many people, getting married is a religious or symbolic thing--not a legal thing--so the paperwork makes it recognized by the state, but they see themselves as truly married at their ceremony. I don't see anything wrong with that, nor do I see anything wrong with those who consider "the paperwork" the thing that makes their marriage official.

OP, enjoy your day. I'm sorry I don't have more to offer as far as pros and cons.

ETA: PPs had muuuch better reasons for getting married legally before than my silly one. I think before is probably the best way to go based on their points!