Dress Code for the Guests

You "kind of feel" that's how you want it isn't a good enough reason to tell guests how to dress in order to make your wedding feel formal or black tie. Unless you are truly in the league of Black Tie or White Tie, it is pretentious to imply that you have a formal dress code. Asking your guests to rent tuxedos and/or wear evening gowns doesn't make your wedding formal or black tie. In fact, if your social circle was accustomed to such events, they wouldn't need to be told how to dress at a peer's (or the offspring of their peer's) wedding, and you and your mother wouldn't be having this debate. You are suggesting Black Tie formality, and if you aren't offering the following (and this list is hardly exhaustive), please don't tell your guests there is a dress code:

1. The wedding is after 6:00 PM

2. White or Ivory invitations with engraved black printing.

3. Valet parking

4. Coat check

5. Top shelf, open bar for cocktail hour and multiple passed apps

6. Opulent centerpieces on every table

7. Seating cards for every chair -- not just the table

8. White gloved, table-side service

9. The presence of a sommelier -- a specialist who can offer the optimum pairings of wine with a selected dinner

10. A multi-course, gourmet meal, ordered tableside

11. Uninterrupted, live entertainment

12. Top shelf, open bar for the duration of the event

13. Food that never stops coming, and the quality of which is amazing

14. Lounge attendants (to be tipped) with a well stocked supply of perfumes

Barn receptions? Never. It's marble, crystal, and amazing staircases. Every aspect of the wedding has been handled by a professional, and DIYs wouldn't make it through the back door.

Etc., etc., etc.

If you don't have those 14 elements (at least), just send the regular wedding invitation and allow your guests to dress for your wedding as they see fit. It is up to you to host a formal wedding, not your guests, and certainly not their clothing.

No one was rude to you.

There is no such thing as black tie optional.

Black tie is not a theme.

"I feel like it's my wedding and that's how I want it"; it's going to be a very long 2.5 years for you.

I'm going to guess this black tie "theme" is actually very far from a real black tie wedding and that's why OP thinks everyone is being rude. You're just going to do whatever you want anyway, why even bother to ask?

If I got an invitation telling my how to dress - probably not going. If it is a true black tie event, then I'm an adult and will be able to figure that out by the time and location.

OP, please change your picture from the double rings. Also spend time getting to know people on here. People will give you opinions you don't agree with...thus a forum. You can dictate how people respond, you can only dictate how you react. You'll love the people on this site if you learn that and understand there is some really good advice on this site.

There is no black tie theme. The wedding is either black tie or it isn't. Black tie is a standard. Black tie themed is the equivalent of play acting. It's a wedding that has behind it a bride/groom/parents who erroneously believe that they can create a black tie wedding without spending the oodles of money it takes to host a genuine black tie event. Is it illegal to do so? No...but it is kind of sad.

ETA: Kaden...face it. You are not having a black tie wedding. All of the rented tuxedos from the mall won't make it so. Nobody is being rude. This is called the truth, and, as we've seen time and time again, the truth isn't always well received. Go ahead, tell your guests to spend money renting tuxes for your wedding. Believe me, they will be pissed off when they realize it's a bait and switch without the luxurious perks of a true black tie, but hey...it's your fantasy.

You can't tell adults what to wear. I have never been to a wedding, no matter how small or "informal", where the guests did not dress nicely. You could include something as simple as "this wedding is a formal event, please dress appropriately" on your FAQ on your wedding website, but that would be all I suggest including.

If I went to the trouble of renting a tux and a gown for a black tie event and then showed up and it wasn't hosted as a black tie event, you'd better believe I am taking my card full of cash back and using it to reimburse ourselves for our attire rentals. I'd be so pissed! People are not props for our pictures.

I truly believe that my guests will wear their version of appropriate wedding attire.

I will not put my preferences anywhere on the invite. The wedding is as a gorgeous winery, in June. I would love pretty summer attire and lightweight dress clothes. But if they show up in something else, I will simply thank them for making it to celebrate our special day.

Thank being said, if someone asks me outright, I will ask please not flip flops, shorts, or jeans. ;-)

My mother and I had this same discussion. I wanted "black tie optional" on the invitations, and she thought it was rude to dictate guest's clothing. We live in the south, and most of our guests are well acquainted with etiquette - they will likely know based on our very formal invitations and time of wedding that it is a formal event. When it comes down to it, I don't really care if people wear suits, tuxes, gowns, cocktail, etc. If not listing a dress code was something important to my mother, it was an easy battle to "loose". Don't sweat the small stuff.

Also - isn't your wedding 2.5 years away? Seriously a waste of time to be thinking of these details now. Can you even book a venue that far out? Until you've booked a venue, catering, bar, etc - you don't even know if you'll be having a "black tie" wedding. Black tie isn't a style of dress only, it's a style of EVENT ...like other posters have said. Don't ask people to dress the part if you don't know you're going to provide the experience.

If you don't care to inconvenience your guests like your mother suggested, then go right ahead.

I would decline. I am not renting FH a tux for your wedding. NOPE.

I would put it on the wedding website, but not the invitation.

Yes yes worry about what guests are wearing 2.5 years away. That's what matters.

A few years ago my cousin married a guy from abroad, wedding was in Ireland. Where the groom was from they didn't really dress up for weddings, jeans etc. Here people really dress up, guys always ware suits ties, women nice dresses, often hats, the guys in the bridal party usually ware 3piece suits,or morning suits. For that wedding they were worried that the grooms family might come under dressed, as it was where he was from. From what I remember it was spread by word of mouth to grooms family that the wedding would be dressier than they were used to. Everyone looked perfect on the day, no one felt out of place. Bar I was bridesmaid I wouldn't have known any difference.

I have suggestions on what to wear in the FAQ section of the wedding website. A few people personally asked me so I gave suggestions on what they could wear. I would never force anyone to wear something. My Mom also mentioned some people asked her, but nothing is enforced and we did not write it on the STD or invites.

Unless it is a true black tie event, it shouldn't be listed on the invites. You can suggest a level of formality on your website and through word of mouth, but you can't require that anyone dress a certain way just because you'd like them too.

We have an FAQ section on our website with attire addressed there. However, if my guests showed up in jeans, I wouldn't care. There are more important things to worry about than what others are wearing.

Also, I'll echo some pp's. You have a vvvverrryyy long time until your wedding. Focus on some other aspects. You'll also find as you go that you don't really want what you originally envisioned. Do you have a budget and number of guests set yet? Venue/actual date? Other big vendors? Work on those things first.

I think this is one of those Askhole situations...

So yes. Anyway. Your formal invitations usually give guests an idea of how formal of an event they are attending.