Drama with a Bridesmaid

Can you return her dress and things? Maybe tell her you know hard and costly it is to plan a wedding so you can help her out by not having her in yours?

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I can't return the dress since it's a discontinued color, but honestly I don't even mind eating the cost of the dress. I just am dreading confrontation with her and the drama she is causing.

I have been dealing with a similar situation and I just had a conversation with her and asked if she wanted to be a part of it. I gave her a way out and told her I wouldn’t be upset if she would rather be a guest instead

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Did she choose the out and to attend as a guest or did she choose to be a part of the bridal party still?

View Quoted Comment Shockingly, no. I really thought that she was going to but she said she still wanted to be a part of it and has been trying more since that conversation.

I had something similar happen. I asked myself would I ever regret not having her in my wedding? I answered yes. So I won’t let her ruin my day but I want her to be there. Our relationship has its ups and downs and right now it’s down. That will change in 6 months or so. Once you make the choice she is not in your wedding be ready you may loose that person in your life. Would you regret it? Only you can answer that question.

First off, I think it was so cool of you to accommodate her religious beliefs since that often does not happen (in my experience), you really are a good friend for that. Honestly, this bridesmaid is way out of line to ask anything of you outside of that. This is your wedding! Your day! I think you should have a face-to-face conversation and tell her that she can do whatever she wants and look however she wants for her wedding, but this is how you are doing yours. If she complains anymore or is really that against the outfit, she does not have to be involved. Of course, confrontation is uncomfortable and I would definitely include that you care about her a lot as a ____(friend/cousin/sister/idk) and that you really would like her to be involved in the wedding, but you need her to be supportive of your decisions because as of now, she's just stressing you out. (Also, straight up, you are the bride, literally no one cares what she looks like).

As far as her wedding being on Good Friday, there's really nothing you can do about that other than asking nicely for her to do it like the day or week later; as sucky as it is, the bride-can-do-what-she-wants rule applies to her too, even if it's extremely rude. I don't really know how Catholics observe Good Friday, perhaps you could work out a way to do both.

I recently ended up kicking a BM out of my party because she did something similar. My wedding colors are green and purple, and originally i was going to have my MOH in green and my BMs in a dark purple. The girl that i demoted to guest refused to wear purple because she "does do purple" because it "doesn't look good" on her. which is false, because i know her skin tones and she would have looked astonishing in the dress with that color i had chosen for her. on top of that, every time i tried to wedding plan with her, even if it was just simple discussion about small things, she blew me off and seemed uninterested. It was almost as if she didn't care about anything unless it involved her directly. Any time I asked her to do something wedding related she either did it halfheartedly and incompletely, or refused. She made "my day" about her, and i just wasn't having that. So, ultimately, as i had thought about it for months, i decided to rip the band aid off and kick her off the party.

I'll admit, it did cause issues between us, and it's still slightly awkward between us, but i'm sure that most of that's just because we haven't been able to really hang out much since that happened due to work schedules and whatnot.

I do ultimately feel better about the whole situation, because it's less stress that i have to deal with for a very stressful time (and my weddin's not for 2 more years!), and i already have plenty of stress with everything else.

First off, I’m so sorry that you are going through this and are not enjoying the wedding planning because it’s such an exciting and wonderful new journey we are all about to embark on. Although I currently don’t have this problem, I think your best option would be to sit down and talk to her about how her actions are making you feel unsupported and how it’s your wedding so it is ultimately your decision like it is her decision for her own wedding. If she doesn’t want to change her attitude and be more supportive, then I’d offer her the chance to leave the bridal party so she can wear whatever she wants to the wedding. As far as Good Friday is concerned, it was her decision to decide on her wedding date just as it was your decision as well. I’d let that one go. Being Catholic myself, I know the importance of Good Friday but I also don’t think she intentionally did it to hurt you, but rather it was just the way the cards were dealt. Plus you never truly know what is going on with her, she may be under an unbelievable about of pressure from her family or she may just be unhappy and she is unfortunately taking it out on you. I hope it gets better and you all are able to remain friends! Best of luck!

Please, do whatever you need to do to make this experience have as little stress and as much peace as possible. This is you and your FH's day. Let NO ONE disturb this for you.

If you kick her out it’s a friendship ending move

I don't really totally understand the problem with your bridesmaid's wedding being on Good Friday. That to me is a rude, unthoughtful move on her part (don't Mormons observe Good Friday?), and if I were you, I would just realize I wouldn't be attending that wedding. But I don't see how that is a problem related to your wedding.

So sticking to the subject, can you ignore her whining about the shoes/dress, etc...? If you want her to be in your wedding, just move forward, and ignore that stuff.

You honestly just need to sit down and talk to her. I had a situation where my friend was getting married and at first asked me to be in her wedding then she said I couldn't because just siblings only. Which I was fine and then she asked me last minute to fill the spot because she kicked her sister out. Well I declined but still was a guest. We are still friends even though it did hurt she was indecisive about her bp but it wasn't the end if the world for me. Anyways just talk to her and ask does she really want to be in your wedding and ask yourself that as well. Youre not obligated to keep her in it. She may not really want to be in it and be fine with it or need a reality check and get it together. But unless youre honest with yourself and her you're just going to keep stressing about. So have the talk and go from there.

She sounds like she’s adding extra stress that is not needed. It might be easier just to not have her in the wedding.

Sounds familiar. I'm having the same issue with one of mine.

View Quoted Comment Same thing I did

Ok she is not a good person. She’s a horror. Rid yourself of this toxicity. Tell her that you sense she has a lot going on with her coming wedding and so you are releasing her from her obligation at yours. Tell her you still hope she attends as a guest. You don’t need this type of crazy in your life. Seriously, Mormon-vain-judgmental-morally-challenged-hypocrite? Bye Felicia!

I think you should just return her items and tell her she can't be in it anymore but you appreciate her for saying yes. You don't need that stress for your day and she can't make it about her because it's not her day.

You don't just kick someone out of your wedding party.

However, you can stop aquiescing to her, and when she complains about any part of her outfit, simply say you can wear what I've selected or you can attend as a guest. Let her make the choice.

Also, almost all of your problems would have been easily solved by letting the women in your wedding party wear mismatched dresses in the same color/family, and choose their own shoes. It also would have saved you significant expense in accommodating her.

Her wedding/the food there/whether she is allowed to have the ceremony she intended/etc. is a wholly separate issue from your wedding. You are not under obligation to attend, if it conflicts with your religious beliefs. Bringing up all of the stuff about her wedding - even if true - doesn't change what proper etiquette is for YOU to do here. Which is, don't kick someone out of your wedding party, but let her step down if she doesn't like your choices.

It baffles me that bridesmaids are like this. I consider it an honor to be asked to be in someone’s wedding. Even If they want me to wear a toga for a day... but seriously. It’s not about the bridesmaid. Either they wear what you’re asking them to or they can attend as a guest. Now that she’s engaged and wedding planning, she should have to endure the same stress she’s inflecting on you and maybe then she would see it through your eyes. My vote is that you avoid the drama, tell her how it’s going to be, and set her in her place that you won’t be walked over for your choices for your wedding.