J
Just Said Yes August 2020

Do i need to have my fbil as a groomsman?

John, on September 24, 2019 at 3:45 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 22
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Hey everyone, probably quite strange for a groom to be an OP on here, but I need some help. To be blunt-I don't want my fiances brother to be a groomsman or an usher. In addition to him and I not being close, he's quite unstable mentally and I'm extremely worried about him even coming to the wedding as a guest. Though my lovely soon-to-be wife shares these thoughts with me, her parents don't, at all. The last wedding we attended, where my fiancé was the MOH, her brother started a fight with another guest who loudly cheered during an awkward moment in my fiances moh speech(it was funny). He was a guest at this wedding and I can only imagine how he would act at ours, especially if he had a role higher than guest. He's older than my fiancé, yet lives in his parents basement, has never had a job, and has the social skills of a teenager (pouting for his way, fighting, ect.).

My real questions are: Do you think other guests will think its disrespectful I don't have him as a groomsman? Also-I've seriously considered hiring a "bouncer" that specifically watches his temperament. Has anyone ever heard of hiring someone as such?


Thanks!

22 Comments

  • Jill
    Expert May 2020
    Jill ·
    • Flag

    You definitely don't have to have her brother as an usher or groomsman! The men who stand beside you should be your closest friends and people who you genuinely want to be there. Especially so if that is the behavior he exhibits. Maybe your fiance can have a conversation with her parents about why the two you don't want to include him? If the fight was physical then maybe consider a bouncer. If it wasn't, maybe you can get away with not having one. Let's hope he's on his best behavior!

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  • Sabrina
    Devoted April 2020
    Sabrina Online ·
    • Flag

    I don't have my FSILs in my wedding party and I don't think its mandated that you should have a future in-law in your party. Its the choice of the couple, so don't allow yourself to be steamrolled by others (as hard as that can be). Since its your FW's brother, she may have to be the one to put her foot down.

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  • Amber
    Rockstar February 2020
    Amber Online ·
    • Flag

    I don't think any guests would find it disrespectful for you not having him as your groomsman. And based off of his behavior issues, I don't blame you for wanting to hire someone to keep an eye on things. Oftentimes, off-duty police officers will monitor events like weddings. As long as you and your FW have discussed this and are on the same page, I wouldn't worry about anyone else. Best of luck to you!

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  • Anna
    Super August 2020
    Anna ·
    • Flag

    I don't think it's disrespectful not to choose him- unless she has other brothers you have chosen and then it's really clear you singled him out to be excluded.
    Otherwise, you are really under no obligation to pick anyone from her side (regardless of the extra information you provided).
    Yes- I have seen people hire a "bouncer" but that was to keep people out of the wedding entirely who were uninvited (crazy story). I don't think the parents would appreciate you hiring someone to watch his behavior if they are already upset he isn't a groomsman.
    I would just let your fiancée's parents know that you have chosen a group of your friends (or whatever the case may be) as your groomsmen but you will be thrilled to have her brother attend the wedding. Maybe he can sit at a table with the parents? Kind of as VIP guest status but also so they can watch him. Good luck.

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  • Brianna N
    Super October 2019
    Brianna N ·
    • Flag

    I definitely don't think it is disrespectful! I didn't ask my fiances sister to be a bridesmaid, as we aren't close at all, and it is completely normal!

    • Reply
  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    My brother was not a groomsman. instead, we had him and his wife walk in the processional before my parents. that way they still got acknowledged

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  • Cristy
    Rockstar May 2020
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    No, there's nothing wrong with you not choosing him as a groomsman. You should be choosing only your nearest and dearest to stand with you. Many couples don't have their FS's siblings as part of their wedding party.

    As for the bouncer, you can do that. There are lots of private security firms out there that will be happy to take the job, and monitor everyone, looking for drama, fighting, etc.

    I would check with your venue first. They may already have security in place, or a preferred vendor they use for this kind of thing.

    • Reply
  • Cassi
    Super October 2019
    Cassi ·
    • Flag

    I think the usher would be something you guys need to discuss but I am a firm believe SO's have no saying your choices for wedding party. I am 1 of 6 and I have 1 brother. He is playing no role in our wedding other than guest. I find is disrespectful when people insist on people being apart of the most special day of your life that you aren't even that close with.

    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    Other guests won't care at all. I've been to (and in) plenty of weddings where siblings aren't in the bridal party. We included all our siblings but we all had prior relationships & were close. I think there is also nothing wrong with hiring security.

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  • Rachael
    Expert October 2019
    Rachael ·
    • Flag

    Definitely have heard of plenty of weddings with hired security. It's smart on your part being that you can't predict him & its not worth the risk of what he will do.

    As far as groomsmen go, you don't want him to be one, so don't make him one. Your groomsmen are supposed to be the guys who have your back, the guys you feel you can lean on throughout your planning process. Your nearest and dearest. Your best friends. Do not make him a groomsman to placate anyone, for any reason.

    • Reply
  • yung_coconut
    Savvy October 2019
    yung_coconut ·
    • Flag

    As long as your fiancee is ok with her brother not being a groomsman, you don't need to have him be in the wedding party. I don't think other guests are going to care one way or the other. But if her parents care, definitely talk with your fiancee and come up with a game plan in case her parents start pushing to have him in the wedding party -- Sabrina's right, your fiancee might have to be the one to put her foot down since it's her family. I like Melle's idea of having him walk down the aisle to acknowledge he's part of the family.

    • Reply
  • Megan
    Expert October 2019
    Megan ·
    • Flag
    My FSILs arent in my bridal party. They are usher(ettes) but they never expected to be in it at all. My brother is my FHs Best Man because they're best friends, or else my brother wouldn't be either.
    • Reply
  • Allison
    Dedicated May 2020
    Allison ·
    • Flag
    We didnt ask my brother to be in the wedding or my future SIL. Its your wedding, make your choices and people will just need to go with it. My parengs weren't happy about it but guess what? My brother doesn't care he just wants me to be happy.
    • Reply
  • M
    Dedicated May 2020
    Millicent ·
    • Flag

    Your groomsmen should be the men closest and most important to you in your lives. You are not obligated to have Fbil as your groomsman.

    • Reply
  • M
    Super September 2019
    Mrs. Bubba ·
    • Flag
    Wow!

    I’m so sorry that you’re having this experience.

    I would say that he definitely does NOT have to be a part of the Wedding Party.

    Maybe you and FW can have a talk with him and the parents so that they all have the same info at the same time to let them know that he will be removed if he starts acting out.

    Also, maybe have either no Alcohol or tell him that he can’t have any. This may reduce the likelihood of him causing a scene and ruining your day.
    • Reply
  • M
    Super September 2019
    Mrs. Bubba ·
    • Flag
    Congratulations and 🍀‼️

    Keep us posted.
    • Reply
  • Catherine
    VIP November 2019
    Catherine ·
    • Flag

    You don't HAVE to do anything. I'm not having either of my future SIL in my wedding party and my FH isn't having his future BIL in his party. Aside from the normal, if he doesn't do well in large group settings I think its best you guys don't have him up there with you during the ceremony in case of an outburst. I've never heard of hiring anyone specifically for it, but could her parents maybe try and keep him under control in case of such instances?

    • Reply
  • Madison
    Dedicated October 2019
    Madison ·
    • Flag

    You don't have to have him as a groomsman unless you want him as a groomsman. Period. Will he have to be a guest? Probably.

    I have a grandmother with severe dementia who we are in process of getting into a home. My parents have been back and forth several times on her invite and ultimately her sisters are going "watch" her at her table.

    Weddings always bring out the worst in family. Good luck to you.

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Super April 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag

    Grooms are totally welcome here, it's not strange at all! Welcome! Smiley smile

    You definitely don;t have to have him in your wedding. Especially if your future spouse agrees with you, that decision is totally up to the two of you! I would have her explain your guys' reasoning with her parents, it is your day, and they cannot force you to have someone you don;t want standing with you up there with you. They will 100% be upset, but your reasons are valid.

    I would also give the venue a heads up (with your fiancee's permission ahead of time) that if he gets unruly, he needs to be removed (there is the answer to the "bouncer" question). Most venues have some sort of security in place, so I would check with them first. If not, hire a security guard. It is worth it in my opinion!

    Good luck! Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Super September 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag

    You don't need to have him in the wedding! But are your fiancee's parents paying at all? If they are helping financially with the wedding you do have to atleast listen to their input and perhaps find another job for him. If your in-laws are still being pushy make sure to have your fiancee discuss it with them. it comes across a lot more gently if she does it than you (family dynamics and all lol).

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