Divorced Parent Issue

View Quoted Comment

It wasn't my intention to say that he's making the wedding about him and his girlfriend. I'm worried my Mom and my Dad will get aggressive because that's what they've always done throughout marriage and divorce. Yes it was a bad divorce but I thought they'd calmed down. And I know my Mom is distressed because she told me quite directly haha. She knows he's moved on but I believe her thinking was, if neither of us bring anyone it'll lessen the chances of petty jealousy. And when he agreed to that but then went back on his word, his actions seemed to throw her into all the past times he's gone back on his word. (There's just so much darn emotional history--no one's thinking straight!)

As for the parents table I'm currently working on getting that out of the picture because it would solve all of our problems. Keep the parents and bfs/gfs separate.

You cannot determine the legitimacy of someone's relationship. Who cares how your father normally refers to his GF? She is his SO whether he calls her GF, friend, or lady in waiting. Clearly, she is important to him if he wants to extend an invitation to him.

As a person who struggled for years with my divorced parents and their relationship statuses, it is incredibly tough. The way they can make the day about you and not themselves is to not even make you have to worry about it. They need to be the grown-ups and mutually agree that they are going to set aside their crap and focus their attention on you. Mom cannot be upset that dad brings someone and if she is then she needs to complain to someone other than you. FILs can't care who you sit at the "parent's table" because they are your parents however it shakes out.

View Quoted Comment It’s a pretty invalid point though— many people choose not to marry just because they DONT want to MARRY. It doesn’t invalidate their relationship at all. They can still love and dedicate their lives to their partners just as much as us marrying folk.

I have family friends who have been together literally longer than I have been alive. They love each other, have a life and a home together, but they don’t have a certificate or a ring. It doesn’t make their love and commitment to each other less valid.

LIKEWISE, my grandmother has had a partner ever since my grandfather passed away. They aren’t married and never will be. She didn’t want to marry again. She found a life partner who respected that. They ARE life partners. Marriage is a choice and it is not a requisite for legitimizing a relationship.



ALL thAt aside, OP, you should not revoke the invite , as you have, on two separate occasions, indicated he could bring her. It would be rude to go back now. You can and should remove them from the parents table both bc the argument that she’s not a parent is legit and to help make it more comfortable for your mom. Reassigning their table while an inconvenience is not a big deal in the long run. Her being there isn’t going to take the focus off of you UNLESS your mom chooses to obsess over it, but that is 100% on her. She needs to decide to not let it bother her/occupy her attention. But your dad shouldn’t be punished for his relationship. Which is absolutely a relationship that can and should only be defined by the 2 of them

View Quoted Comment

Honestly this discussion board is helping me realize what I want and I agree with your solution. In my ideal world there would be three tables. Table #1: my future in-laws. Table #2: my Dad, his girlfriend, etc. Table #3: my Mom, her sisters, etc. I think that's the best option in order to keep the peace. Hopefully I can talk to a few people and get them to see sense. I still wish my Dad had stuck to his word and had asked rather than told me his girlfriend was coming but what's done is done.

View Quoted Comment

So by that logic your partner isn’t your spouse, or isn’t as important, or your spouse isn’t your partner....shouldn’t they be one in the same??? They’re mutually exclusive words in a relationship. I view my FH as my partner, once were married, he will still be my partner, and spouse....FH is my partner in every sense of the word, why wouldn’t I refer to him as my such or significant other?

Why is a year the cut off amount of time? I knew after a few months I loved him and wanted to marry him. You’re downing everyone’s relationship, with your own beliefs, that’s incredibly awful.

My parents are divorced 9 year ago, it wasn’t a pleasant divorce either. My mom remarried, he passed away now she’s a widow. Two years ago she tried to reconcile with my dad. He told her pointe blank not happening. Now he’s seeing someone, and my mom is a basket of drama and rudeness over it. We’re not having a parents table. I’m not going to put my dad and his girlfriend in a position for my mother to hurl insults...

Side note, my dad doesn’t refer to his girlfriend as his girlfriend either... and they practically live together...

View Quoted Comment

I've never been with a fiancé for a year....I married my first husband after 10 months of being together, we were engaged and living together two weeks after our second date.[Our marriage lasted for 18 years too, and we are still friends-even though it ended, I still count it as a success]

My current fiancé has been in my life for eight months, we were engaged 3 months ago. We will be getting married later this year.

I have dated perhaps 20 men more than 3 times over the course of my life. I do not consider someone I am merely dating a "relationship". I will not introduce someone to friends or family unless I am serious about them- and 9 or 10 dates doesn't equal serious to me.

A "couple" SHARES things besides physical pleasure and friendship. If you have no common bills or joint responsibilities, and you are not engaged or long term or married or living together, you are not a couple. You are friends. That's the entire reason for the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". Just because your friend makes you all tingly inside that doesn't make them different than any other friend. When that same friend starts helping you pay the mortgage or take care of your ill parent, then they are something more than a friend , and you can consider yourselves a "couple"

I do sympathize with the awkwardness of the situation. It sucks. But realistically if your parents’ relationship is that volatile, they’re probably better off not seated together anyway.
I just think of this as a very two sided situation— your moms side and your dad’s. To uninvite the girlfriend is very clearly taking your mom’s side, which to me seems unfair to your dad. Sure it’s lame of him if they had an agreement that he went back on (but again this is heresay) but maybe he said “yeah whatever no dates” bc he wasn’t sure how things were with his GF. Ultimately he determined they were serious and she wanted to be part of this day for and with him. It’s a momentous day in his life too, so it makes sense that his girlfriend would want to be there and for him to want her there. So he changed his mind and decided to take you up on the guest that you offered. There’s nothing wrong with that, and That in and of itself shouldn’t and doesn’t need to take the focus of the event off of you. He just wants to share that with his special someone.

I think you need to have an open, honest conversation with your dad. Understand how serious he really feels about her. Has she been to any family functions? Explain to him that she will be in these pictures forever. Also, if she’s not comfortable with many of the guests there it could be tough on her and him. He won’t be able to mingle as much or spend time with just you.
I threw a plus one to my brother (also my officiant) initially and we had a long talk about it. He said that he’s prefer to not bring someone. He is excited about being able to talk with everyone without any worry that he’d have to check in with his date.
Maybe expressing your concerns to your dad can either provide more understanding on all sides and come to an agreement that YOU feel good about.

View Quoted Comment

Serious question... you don’t consider long term relationships, actually a relationship?? FH and I have zero bills together currently, though he’s helped with my son, and other expenses, nor do we live together, so again, by your standards we’re not, nor have we been in a relationship for the last 2 years...

Good to know my relationship doesn’t have any value to you.... who are you to judge another’s relationship??? It’s not your place to judge anyone’s relationship, not the length, seriousness, value nor importance.

View Quoted Comment 4 months into my relationship with H, he started helping me with expenses for my kid since exH wouldn’t pay child support without a court order so we were a couple because he bought diapers for me sometimes?

View Quoted Comment

So when I introduced my now FH to my parents after only 3 months of dating we weren't a couple. But because he stopped at the store on his way to MY apartment one day to buy cat food for MY cat we were a couple. That makes no sense.

View Quoted Comment

No, actually, my original comment stated that "long term relationships over a year" should be treated as significant others. In the last two years, I'm sure you and your romantic partner HAVE helped each other in ways a normal friend would not.

It's no ones place to judge anything leads to all sorts of trouble. It is every ones OBLIGATION to "judge" their guests before inviting them. You want to create a comfortable environment. So maybe don't invite your racist uncle who can't shut up about "the wall". Don't invite your friend Jenelle if you know she's going to wear cut-offs and a halter top while everyone else is dressed properly. Don't cave in and treat everyone's "kissy friend" as a significant other. My original statement includes Married, engaged, living together, or long term over a year as "significant" others, and I proudly stand by that.

View Quoted Comment

Yeah Sarah! That's a couple.

View Quoted Comment But before that, when we discussed marriage, living together, him becoming her stepfather, them meeting, our nightly phone calls, had two dates a week, etc, he was just my friend who made me tingly inside?

I'm having a similar issue with my stepfathers SO. People are telling me that she has to come, that it's assumed. It's so hard. I don't know how to help you because I've been crying all morning, but I offer support. Maybe remind him that he said he didn't want a plus one? Not sure. HUGS

View Quoted Comment

It’s not my obligation to judge my friends and family’s relationships... Nor am I obligated to judge my dad’s relationship. So because they’ve only been together 5 months, but he stays there most of the week, they’re not a couple. They don’t even call each other boyfriend and girlfriend... It sounds juvenile...

So I don’t invite her to the wedding in September, because they wouldn’t have been together a year... even though she’s helped me so much with planning...

I’m not comfortable judging the relationships of my family and friends...I’m sure as heck not going to judge my Dad’s relationship. My dad being there means more to me, than My judging them and not inviting her due to some imaginary one year rule.

It’s simple, invite the girlfriend, just don’t seat the parents together at the same table...

View Quoted Comment

Yes, exactly. Talk is talk. I dated a lawyer for four months once who seriously asked me to choose if we should stay in Northern CA or relocate to LA because his firm was opening a new office in LA-that was just talk. His actions were different,and we stopped dating soon afterwards.

Until someone steps up to the plate and actually takes on your responsibilities as their own, they are "just" your friend. It doesn't matter what you say to each other or how you feel. There are different degrees of seriousness, and intention doesn't equal action.

It isn't rude for someone to make their guest list based on facts rather than what ifs. If a guest of yours IS serious about someone, and they are moving towards marriage or long term commitment, you will know. But the assumption here is that every ones boyfriend or girlfriend should be treated "as if" they are moving towards something serious, and to assume they are not is "judgy". Well, consider me judgy. I'm not going to disrespect real established relationships by saying that newer situations are "just as" important-they usually are not.

UPDATE:

All these comments have helped me sort out my feelings/thoughts on this subject (thank you for your input). I spoke to my fiancé and he and I have decided that my Dad's girlfriend is invited, but the "parents table" has to go.

Moving forward my intention is to have three parent-themed tables as it were.

Table 1 = My fiancé's parents, his grandmothers, etc.

Table 2= My Mom, her sisters, etc.

Table 3= My Dad, his girlfriend, etc.

All their tables will be close to us (we're having a sweetheart table for intimacy and to avoid looking like we're picking favorites) but my future in-laws' table will act as a buffer between my Mom's table and my Dad's table.

View Quoted Comment But it doesn’t make any sense that he wasn’t my SO during those conversations but as soon as he stopped by Walmart and paid $30 for diapers he was. A good friend might also do that. I buy things for my best friend’s kids all the time. I’m not her significant other.

View Quoted Comment This is a great idea! I’m glad you were able to find a resolution that works for you!