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Joanna
Dedicated November 2018

Guest told me she'll only come to our reception...

Joanna, on August 30, 2018 at 3:21 AM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 66

Hi everyone! I might be slightly overreacting/sensitive about this.... We just sent out our invitations, and one of our guests told me super nonchalantly (in person) that she'd only be coming to our reception, and not to our ceremony. Our ceremony is going to be fairly short (45 minutes max), but...

Hi everyone! I might be slightly overreacting/sensitive about this....

We just sent out our invitations, and one of our guests told me super nonchalantly (in person) that she'd only be coming to our reception, and not to our ceremony. Our ceremony is going to be fairly short (45 minutes max), but she told me she wouldn't be able to make it to it because of work.

However, she told me she'd still have to get work off if she wanted to come to the reception anyway because she technically works all day on Sunday...Is it weird of me to feel a little frustrated about this? She could potentially take a couple of hours off to make it to our ceremony if she's going to take a half day off...

Maybe it's just the way she told me it in the first place....? She talked about it with me like it was no big deal, and it was just sort of...rude.

I know it's just one guest, and we're not even all that close. She's part of a friend group and I sort of pity-invited her (that was probably my bad, but I hate the idea of people feeling left out and she was one of the very few that I invited because I felt horrible for her), but now I just feel like she's not really all that invested in our actual marriage, seeing how she only wants to come to the reception. It makes me think that she's only in it for the free food and booze....Smiley ups

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you! Sorry if I'm overthinking this.

66 Comments

  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Probably in both directions, this is a case of "take no offense where none is intended." People have feelings about a "pity invite", that it is condescending. But YOUR intention was clearly to be kind and considerate of her feelings, knowing how unkind some in your group can be to someone left out. Talk behind her back or on social media would be hurtful if only she and one or two others were left out. Being willing to spend 100-200 dollars for a guest to be kind, that says you have good intentions. Just as she probably has no clue that to you, missing the ceremony would be bothersome. So, good you will let it go. Wait until you have 5 good friends or family who cannot be bothered to do something as simple as RSVP! This will seem trivial.
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  • Laura
    Dedicated October 2018
    Laura ·
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    I think your reaction is normal, the ceremony is the important part. Just going to the reception makes it feel like she just wants free food and a party, not to actually celebrate you.

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  • Estera
    Devoted August 2018
    Estera ·
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    I think she has every right to miss the ceremony. To me they are really boring and you wouldn’t notice her in the crowd anyway. Don’t you want just the people who mean a lot to you witnessing you marrying the love of your life? I think everyone has really valid points. Try not to let it bother you it’s just one person! Smiley smile now if it was a close family member I do think you’d have every right to be upset but it’s just a pitty invite.
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  • Kristen
    VIP August 2018
    Kristen ·
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    Why would you worry about it especially if you're not even particularly close to her?

    Maybe you didn't like the way she told you but at least she told you.

    45 minutes is definitely not a short ceremony its fairly long and that is a full hour more she can be at work.

    It's not as easy to get off work for everyone and I would let it go and appreciate that she is taking the time off to go at all.

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  • Mrs.Married
    Devoted September 2017
    Mrs.Married ·
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    Where I’m from, this is the norm. I’ve always thought it was extremely weird, because what is the point of the reception if you’re not going to bother coming to the ceremony? The people all act like it’s no big deal, so I guess It’s just a regional thing? This has also led couples to start only inviting a small group to the ceremony, and then hundreds more to the reception! I think this is so weird, but apparently, people here find it acceptable. No idea why. But perhaps where she’s from, it’s the norm as well? At least she is using work as an excuse, when I got married, one of my really good friends told me that her husband, herself and her kids would be coming to the reception only because “they don’t do boring ceremonies, just here for the party!“ RUDE
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  • Camille
    Devoted October 2020
    Camille ·
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    I would also be bothered by this for a few minutes. It’s a bit rude to be so non-chalant about it, but in the grand scheme of things if she didn’t tell you, you probably wouldn’t even have noticed she only made the ceremony. As other PPs have said, some companies and jobs make it nearly impossible to take a full day off of work without losing your job so just focus on the fact that she’s using her hard earned time to celebrate with you. You have so much other stress on your plate right now that this is one of the things you need to just let go. Let it bother you for a little bit and then move on! At least she’s coming to celebrate and be there for you.
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  • P
    Dedicated September 2018
    Pom ·
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    You are overreacting. Missing the ceremony is not unheard of, though I agree it's not ideal. It does not necessarily mean she doesn't care about your actual marriage and only wants food and booze. If she actually didn't care at all, she probably just wouldn't go and use the valid excuse that she has to work. People can't drop their whole lives for our weddings. Also, if you "pity" invited her in the first place, that means that you're not really emotionally invested in your relationship, so why should SHE be?

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  • Officiallymrs
    Super May 2010
    Officiallymrs ·
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    I think you’re over reacting some yes .. honestly I am inviting 200 people to my wedding and although my ceremony and reception are at the same venue I don’t really expect to have 200 people at the ceremony, especially if people have to take time off of work .. I work 9-5 including saturdays and Sundays and if I was invited to a wedding where I’m just not that close to someone ( as you mentioned you & she aren’t ) I probably wouldn’t use vacation time for the ceremony .. my PTO time can only be taken in intervals of 4 hours so I try to use it wisely
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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    I wouldn't let it bother you! Some people think ceremonies aren't important (I'm not one of those people). Maybe she's hourly and it's truly easier to take off less time? It's for sure offensive of her to do, but not enough to ruin your special day or stress you out!

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  • Shannon
    Expert October 2017
    Shannon ·
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    Some jobs make it almost impossible to take a full day off especially on a weekend. I know in my job there are only a certain# of hours that the entire Dept can take off on any given day, once thise hours are taken to bad noone is getting time off. So people do tend to take partial days a lot. Maybe she can't get the whole day off,. Maybe she doesn't want to use all her PTO time just in case she needs it later,. Maybe she doesn't have enough PTO time left to take the whole day off.
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  • Joanna
    Dedicated November 2018
    Joanna ·
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    Thanks for your input! Yeah, I should try to be a bit more understanding. She probably has her reasons. Smiley smile I'll try not to dwell on it too much!
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  • Joanna
    Dedicated November 2018
    Joanna ·
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    Yeah, that's what I was feeling Smiley sad But a lot of people on here have been giving me more insight as to why she might not be able to come. Thanks for your comment! Smiley smile Appreciate it
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  • BB-H
    VIP September 2018
    BB-H ·
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    I wouldn't think on this any longer, especially since it seems like she's not high on your priority list anyway (just inviting her because she's part of a friend group). And as for how she said it, I don't think that's worth fretting over either. I saw my cousin (who I have been very close to since we were kids) and his wife this summer and when they asked me again when the wedding was, I found out right then and there that his wife would be unable to make the ceremony due to work. Whether that's because she didn't ask off, or she couldn't get off, or she misjudged the travel time (it's an hour away from where they live), it's not my business. She told me she would come right after work and make it there for the reception, but that my cousin would be there for everything. I was a bit surprised but I'm not bothered. She's still coming to celebrate with us.

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  • R
    Devoted September 2018
    Robbi ·
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    I might in the minority for this, but I actually really dislike going to wedding ceremonies. They're boring and they just don't do much for me (any length). So yes, I'm usually one of those people that skip out on the ceremony if I can. I'm not trying to be rude and it's never anything against the couple; I just don't usually care to attend.


    It's nice that she's even taking off of work to come to anything. To me, that obviously means she really wants to be there for you. If you were just someone she didn't really care about she probably wouldn't try to get off of work (I wouldn't). Free alcohol is just a bonus.


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  • Christine
    Expert September 2018
    Christine ·
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    Not all people attend the ceremony, I have friends and family just coming to my reception. I also have a family member on my FH side coming after dinner.
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  • Joanna
    Devoted February 2016
    Joanna ·
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    Exactly. A pity invite is an invitation to someone you don't really care about being there, so why are you getting all offended now?

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  • Joanna
    Dedicated November 2018
    Joanna ·
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    Lmao. Please read the comments in this thread before assuming. I phrased it as a pity invite, but that doesn't necessarily give you the right to assume that I don't care about her. If I didn't care at all, I wouldve
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  • Joanna
    Dedicated November 2018
    Joanna ·
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    Would've not invited her in the first place.* She's a friend (though I'm much closer to others) that's part of my friend group, and there are details that I haven't included in this discussion that are still important to know before coming to the conclusion that I'm being petty. If I didn't invite her at all, she would flip and the friend group would make her feel even more isolated than me inviting her because I feel bad for her.
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  • Lisa
    Super August 2018
    Lisa ·
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    Having just been married, I can tell you I didn’t really notice who was at my ceremony and who wasn’t. My goal and focus was my husband that day and to marry him and I was making eye contact with him down the aisle and staying focused, as I know that if I looked around, I would’ve lost my focus for sure. Once we were up there, it was still just him and I, we took a pan of our friends and family, but again, you don’t notice who and who isn’t there. Missing the ceremony to me wouldn’t make a difference and I agree that the reception would be a great place to mix and mingle with everyone and talk to each other. 45 minutes is rather a long ceremony, mine was 15 mins tops! And depending upon your area, traveling to get to a ceremony on time during what could possibly be a lot of traffic can make all the difference in the world with leaving work early. My ceremony was at 5, with my reception/cocktail starting at 6....traffic is horrendous where I live from 3-5 and you would need to give yourself a good hour and half for travel, even though the ceremony is 20 miles away. However after 5, 5:30, you could breeze right through. I don’t think the girl saying she’s just coming to your reception is anything to get bent out of shape for. You’ll have many other things to worry about than that, especially if she was just maybe ‘pitied asked.’ Move on, not worth the fret, nor discussion.
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  • J
    Expert May 2018
    J ·
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    At my wedding I vaguely recall noticing some people arriving late, both right before I walked down the aisle and also a few arriving a little while after the ceremony had started. I have no idea if anyone actually missed our whole ceremony, but I assume some people probably came really late and I didn’t notice. Like honestly it really doesn’t matter who is or isn’t there, obviously your family and best friends will do their best to be on time but chances are some people will be rolling in late, maybe even realllly late or skip the whole ceremony. So be prepared for that because you seem pretty sad that this one person is missing the ceremony, but please know that it’s pretty likely others will come late and maybe even miss a good chunk of it. If that’s going to bother you, you might want to start your ceremony a bit after the time on the invitations because we started ours pretty much right on time so I guess that’s why a good amount of people came rolling in late.
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