Destination wedding guest question

A wedding reception is a thank-you to your guests for attending your commitment ceremony. Since you wrote on the Etiquette board, your plan to only invite guests to the ceremony would be considered poor hosting and a slap in the face of your loved ones. Destination weddings should also be held to a higher standard of hosting as guests are paying a considerable amount of time and money into traveling to being with you. This often includes acknowledging their graciousness with welcome parties, local day activities, a wedding day reception, day-after brunches, etc. Having none of these including the obligatory reception celebration looks inconsiderate and cheap. Many people view destination weddings as a way for couples to get their guests to pay for their wedding, and your idea of zero hosting would validate that.

If you care not for your guests, then elope, just you two and go on the honeymoon of your dreams.

First of all, this doesn’t sound very kind. These are supposed to be your closest friends and family, and yet you are very rudely stating you don’t want to see them other than your ceremony. In that case, why don’t you just elope? Because it doesn’t sound as though you are going to be very gracious hosts. When you have a destination wedding, it raises the level of hosting required of you because you have raised the time and financial burden for your guests to attend. Typically with a destination wedding the couple hosts, a welcome dinner, then the wedding ceremony followed by a reception with a full meal, and oftentimes a thank you/farewell brunch. It is also not uncommon for the couple to host some sort of event during the guests’ stay. If you aren’t prepared to graciously host your guests at the level a destination wedding requires, then I would suggest eloping. You can always host a lowkey, informal reception when you return.

View Quoted Comment I guess let me clarify,
Yall don't understand the level of greedy that is our families. They're going to expect us to pay for their hotel and all of the things for them to do at the destination, including all touristy things. We opted for a destination so that most of them don't go, because they’ll try to make the day about them and most of them can't afford to go.
I'm hosting them at the ceremony and also inviting them to join us the luau after at their expense (because it's like $150/person for the luau). I'm then hosting a local reception when we get back home. I was just asking for a nice way to write all that lol here's what I came up with
"We kindly request that guests enjoy their time exploring the destination independently.The couple will not be responsible for any entertainment/travel or other accommodations during your trip to Kauai. Please only plan to see the couple at the ceremony.A local reception will be held upon return"

It sounds like you need to elope and have the wedding celebration when you get back.

If they or anyone attend your ceremony, you have to host them to something afterwards on your dime. I guess you don't since there is no etiquette police, but still. They flew all that way....for what? to also pay to attend your celebration? That won't fly almost anywhere you are. If you're worried about their greed, imagine the uproar at you lack of hosting.

They can't make you do anything. They can't make you pay for their accommodations, there food outside of the reception, activities etc. If you agree to it, that is your choice and you need to own it. You can say no. They can expect all they want, but it doesn't make it happen. The only way you can get them not to show, is to not invite them.

View Quoted Comment I’m just going to be blunt- this is horrible hosting. In no universe is it OK to not host a reception (that YOU pay for) after your wedding ceremony. It would be insanely rude and tacky to invite them to a luau, then tell them to pay for themselves. After reading your clarification, it is incredibly obvious you and your spouse need to elope. Especially since you decided on a destination wedding only because you didn’t want these people to attend! There’s a simple fix for that – do not invite them. Elope. Have a fantastic wedding and honeymoon with your spouse, with no one else in attendance (which is apparently your goal). If you want to celebrate with friends and family, simply announce that you are eloping and you will host a local reception when you return (please keep in mind, if you host a local reception later, that means you pay for everything at it. You don’t invite guests to something and expect them to open their wallets).



Sidenote, since you asked: the wording you suggested for invitations is absolutely unacceptable.

View Quoted Comment If that’s what you need to do for your families to be bearable, don’t invite them. If they’re invited, you have minimal hosting requirements you have to meet. It’s perfectly fine to elope, but you can’t have both. If you’ve told anyone the plan already, just say you’ve reconsidered and aren’t sure what you’re going to do, then elope and invite everyone to a local reception once you get home.

Just elope. That's terrible etiquette to have people travel to support you at your wedding then not provide the most minimal of hosting. The reason wedding receptions exist is so that the couple can host something to thank people for attending the wedding. This is doubly important if they've travelled to be there for you.

Also the wording you're suggesting sounds like you just want them to go away. If that's the case, don't invite them.

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The wording for your note makes it clear to your guests that you don't want to see them, and you also said you're hoping they won't attend, so why invite anyone? These people would be spending a lot of time and money to travel to attend your destination wedding so that they can be there for you. If you invite guests to your wedding, you are not obligated to pay for their hotels or travel, but you should at minimum host some sort of reception in Kauai (that you and your spouse cover the full cost for) as a "thank you" to your guests for showing up for you - the luau would be a great option. If you truly don't want them there, save everyone their time and money, and elope instead.

If you don't want them to be there, I agree, don't invite them. However, maybe you're thinking if you invite them and they choose not to come, that's less family drama than if you don't invite them - I get that.

If you go that route - I'd suggest, instead of a disclaimer, tell them what you will do. If they assume you'll do more, and then you don't... that's on them. (Although they might stir up the same drama about you not paying for the hotel, as they would have about you not inviting them. So you still might want to consider not inviting them.)

I would suggest having a quick cake & punch reception after the wedding, in order to fulfill that etiquette obligation. Then go to the luau etc, without them. One way to communicate "we don't plan to entertain you other than this" is to provide some information on things they could do in the area for the rest of the time. This is pretty common for destination weddings anyway. If anyone asks to get together with you, say you'll be so busy with wedding arrangements beforehand, and so tired afterward.

Welcome to the Etiquette and Advice forum.

It's okay to color outside the lines but hear me out when I say that planning anything unconventional, you're going to want to dial up the kindness in order to offset expectations. So when I read the wording on your invitation, I cringed so, so hard.

My fiancé and I are having a micro-wedding in Vegas with only our mothers and my maid of honor in attendance. His family is too far away and mine is just not worth the headache. But this allows us to focus heavily in planning events for the moms, in addition to hosting a small dinner instead of a reception after the ceremony.

Please expect to treat the people willing to travel far and wide to celebrate your big day, very well. If you do not want to do so, don't invite them to the wedding. Focus on enduring those people if you really must at the reception you plan on having once you return home.

Additionally, I will say that whenever I hear stories about people enduring people they dislike attending their weddings en masse, I start to question the motives behind that. Oftentimes it's not with any intention to make amends with these people. It's to maximize profits on gifting or even funding the wedding, which are really bad reasons to invite anyone.

Take it from me: surround yourself with the circle you and your future spouse feel supported and loved by. Your tribe. And if you can't afford to leave out the difficult people in your life because of the monetary gains, you're going to have a very bad time.

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From your initial post, clarification, and the responses to this thread, I feel that there is a lot to unpack. While ideally, families are supportive, emotionally and fiscally, not everyone has that in their lives. With that being said, I think it might be best to do a little reflection in terms of what you and your fiancée want on your wedding day. From reading your posts, your families don't strike me as the type to be very forgiving of slights regardless of their actions and behavior.

Providing at bare minimum a reception with food and drinks are matter of etiquette because the people would have spent hundreds of dollars to come and see you. It would be beyond rude to expect someone to spend hundreds of dollars on plane tickets or other modes of transportation along with hotels just to see a ceremony that lasts thirty minutes or less regardless if they aren't the easiest family member to be around. If anything, asking for guests to travel only for the ceremony makes you look narcissistic, selfish, and vindictive rather than trying to keep the problem at bay. You do not have to spend big on a destination luau or entertainment. It is perfectly fine to keep things simple so long as the guests are aware of that.

Option 1:
If you want a destination wedding where your families are in attendance regardless of the dynamic, or to avoid a lot of grief in the future, you as a host need to provide at bare minimum a dinner reception and drinks for the guests that have been in attendance, as well as a suggested* block of rooms with a discounted rate.

*For the sake of clarification, a suggested block of rooms means that you work a deal with a hotel or two to tentatively reserve a select number of rooms so that guests can book 2 nights minimum at a discounted rate. It does not mean that you pay for every guest's room, or any at all.

A formal invitation to a minimalist destination wedding that you are paying for (without help) with room block suggestions can be phrased like this:

You are cordially invited to the wedding of
(Fiancée's first and last name) & Tyler (last name)

Friday, April Eighteenth, 2025
Seven o'clock in the evening
The Surfing Tiki Resort
5432 Bayside Road

Honolulu, Hawaii

Please join us for a dinner reception after our wedding.

You can phrase room block suggestions on a formal invitation as:

"For your consideration, a block of rooms has been reserved at the following hotel(s)..."
The Surfing Tiki Resort
Phone number of the resort and name of the room block

The Fancy Hotel
Phone number of the hotel and name of the room block


Option 2:
If you and your fiancée feel that most family members will make your wedding about themselves and just poison what is supposed to be a happy occasion, I agree with the others on this thread that eloping is a good option, and come back and host a reception. Be prepared for some backlash if you do, as some may be hurt, or use it as an excuse to act out against you for not witnessing the ceremony.

Option 3:
Host a small, brunch wedding before going to your Hawaiian honeymoon. Brunch weddings are fun, but usually keep costs down, and don't go as long as traditional weddings or expect much in terms of entertainment. A brunch wedding also avoids hurt feelings of family members not being invited to the ceremony itself. It is still good form to have delicious food items, a cake and/or desserts, and some alcoholic beverages.

Note: You and your fiancée can still do formal "wedding photos" on the beach after the wedding, so long as you have ample time to have your wedding attire cleaned and mended. Give it at least 2-3 weeks for a wedding dress, unless your fiancée's dry cleaner tells her otherwise. You will not be the first or the last couple to do this.

Option 4:
Host a luau before you and your fiancée go to Hawaii as a family reunion/ pre-wedding sendoff. If you generally stick to wanting to "share family time because travel can get tedious and expensive" this may assuage people from feeling very hurt or left out from wanting to have a ceremony that is just the two of you. Be prepared to have some entertainment like games or maybe a caricature artist or two for a fun, but more elevated feel to keep your families happy. It might not hurt to hire a photographer to take pictures of the family too.

I would suggest that if being with your families gets you both on edge, wait at least two to three days before traveling to rest, clear your minds, pack and double check to have everything you need.

I hope this helps.

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These are all excellent suggestions and I could not agree more.

Particularly the nod to hotel courtesy blocks. As someone who works in a hotel that specializes in wedding blocks (my position being the coordinator of them), 99% of them, quota or not, are paid by the individual guests. If anyone gifts a stay at the hotel, it's usually the parents covering the costs of the wedding couple's room/suite. I have never seen a wedding couple pay for someone else's room, so the very suggestion that a couple should do that at the behest of the guest, is going too far.

Destination weddings bear a fiscal responsibility for travel plans to be covered by the guests themselves. However, they're making the effort to be part of a celebration, and so the hosts should act accordingly to include them.