Dealing with an embarrassing father....

Jay, if you had the option to see your dad again, but he'd be a racist asshole, would you do it? ETA, No I don't see what your trying to do there. Was your comment supposed to be helpful?

@Jay That's an apples to oranges comparison. Yes, it's horrible that you lost your dad at 18 and I'm sorry that happened to you. But it's also horrible that she has to handle a dad who is racist/xenophobic/homophobic. These are not at all related and your comment seems to be to make OP feel bad about trying to solve an issue with immediate family before it happens.

MissE, she just said that she would be reaching out to them to make sure that they know to say something if he says anything inappropriate. I would absolutely reach out to my friends first, because otherwise I feel like if something happened they were just blindsided and would probably leave, upset, without saying anything. Are you saying that the only way to show that she isn't supportive of his behavior is to not invite her father or just let her guests be personally attacked and later say "oh, sorry, I knew that might happen."?

@MissE now that you put it that way, that's a good point. I personally would prefer to be pre-warned if someone was transphobic/homophobic/anti-Semitic so I could decide before interacting with them whether I was up for pretending to be cis/straight/a Gentile or dealing with a potential bigoted tirade and act accordingly, but I can see how some people might prefer the possibility of just never knowing.

I can see your point. A few of the guests already know what he is like due to my venting about him. I just don't want my wedding to be a dramatic blow out. The only reason we are really having one is because we want to get our friends and family together, since we live in Nashville, and our families are in Florida. We have other family members who are difficult, my father is just more vocal about things and it causes problems. Most of the time he doesn't even know what he is talking about.

Jay, I am very sorry for your loss. That's never easy.

I have someone in my life like this. Short of not including him, you do nothing because nothing you or anyone else says to him will make a difference. You can't be responsible for what comes out of his mouth and stress yourself about it. He is his own person and it will reflect badly on him.

Soooo can I lighten the mood and say just put Adele on?

(Like the SNL skit...) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2zyjbH9zzA

Zoe, Yes, it was, but apparently you can't process that. My dad wasn't racist, but he wasn't perfect and we had our disagreements. I'd gladly deal with them again just to see him again, be glad he's still here.

I'm sorry if this was not exactly on topic, I was trying to provide a different way of looking at it, that's why the forum brings different people together.

Okay, essentially saying "I'd rather have a racist dad than no dad at all" is not helpful right now.

OP, this is so tough, and I'm really sorry that you're forced to suffer the consequences of your father's inappropriate views and actions. It's just a really sad, impossible situation. But the more I read, the more I keep thinking -- this guy really just needs an intervention. Rather than preemptively explaining away his behavior to guests, I would be more for having a heart to to heart and really making it clear how much his words hurt you, and how having to plan around his behavior is affecting your whole life. Figuring out a way to get through the wedding is not the solution, here. Then you'll still need to put up with this for the rest of your life; I'm not sure if you're planning to have a family of your own, but just like you feel obligated to have him at your wedding, you'll feel obligated to let him see his grandchildren. And do you really want your kids exposed to his hateful attitude? Even without getting kids involved, this is no way for you to live!

Telling your dad that what he's doing is wrong clearly won't get anywhere. But, as others have said, if he sees how deeply this saddens and affects you, it may be enough to help him at least keep it under wraps.

I'm glad you posted this. My step-dad is the exact same way.

It's not that my mind couldn't comprehend... It's that your comment was totally unhelpful.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP. I have no further advice but wish you the best of luck!

@OP I agree with the advice to give people a heads up. They won't be offended by the warning. Most won't even be shocked. Dealing with racist A-hole is nothing new for some of us. You could try talking to your dad and hope he respect your wishes. But from the sounds of it that's a long shot.

@MrsE Trust me it won't be a reminder. You 1st have to have a second to forget. And trust me not a day goes by that I don't know there are people who hate me because the color of my skin. Someone stating the obvious won't rub me the wrong one.

Bwen: Does your FH's family know other relatives of yours besides your father? Maybe it'd be a good idea to introduce them to other, less racist people (maybe your mom, cousins, etc), so that they really get a picture of how nobody is like that but him.

Do check out the book that LMac suggested you. If, after talking to him, he's still dead set on being an ass, all I can say is - it won't be a reflection of you or your FH, just him. At our wedding, DH's bigoted relatives (sigh) started talking shit about the other wedding taking place in that country club, which was two women. DH seriously wanted to die when he overheard them. But people didn't link it to us, thankfully. They just made fun of his relatives, because they know we're not like them.

I don't have any more advice to add, but I hope your day goes smoothly and no words are said! Good luck.

@Jay: I'm sorry, but I agree with Zoe. I'm sorry for your loss, and the pain of missing your dad since you were 15, but your comment doesn't do much for the OP besides making her feel guilty. I'm sorry, but I fail to see how that "different perspective" helps her figure out how to deal with her current problem.

@MissE: I'd feel the same way as you if the warning was about any other guest - but being her father, I guess I'd be more open to understanding she doesn't condone his behaviour but wasn't really able to leave him out of the wedding without facing a LOT of drama. Then again, having gone through wedding planning maybe I'm more understanding of the awkward-guest-I-still-have-to-invite drama than average guests. Either way, I see where you're coming from.

My FH has an uncle like that. My plan is to talk to him beforehand. Let him know he is entitled to his beliefs, but he is not entitled to express them at our wedding. If he makes any guest feel uncomfortable, he will be asked to leave. I know it's a little different with your father, but I honestly wouldn't want someone so hateful clouding q day that is supposed to be full of love...

I agree that you shouldn't even have to think about this. I think Centerpiece nailed it! I also think that when you pre-warn people, be careful how you word it. Make sure that they know the warning is to let them know that you don't condone the behavior, but they need to tell XYZ if something happens so the behavior can be dealt with. Most people will understand that you want you dad there even if he is an asshole. As a guest, I would understand that and appreciate the warning. It would also allow me to know to avoid him if need be.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. No matter who the man is, if he is a racist/bigot he would not be attending my wedding. But then again, I am in an interracial relationship so half of our guests were African American. Racists were invited to my wedding no matter what their relationship is with me. I do understand that you want your father there, but if he is like you described, what good will he do? I guess if I were in your shoes, I would tell my dad exactly how I felt and asked him to please use his judgment to attend if he can keep his opinion to himself, or not attend if he cant. Bottom line....you are marrying your husband not your father. If he will offend your husband, that is where you draw the line. I am not being harsh but rather trying to help.

I agree with @Promike.