Dealing with an embarrassing father....

OP- Yeah, that sucks but we get it. People have their opinions and (often) they can be vocal about it. I'd give you MAD props for having the forethought to care about my feelings on your wedding day and even more so because I'd know how hard of a conversation that would be for you. Remember, this is something that we deal with on a daily basis and it's just nice to know if there is a person that will be a bit more aggressive than others. It sucks, but it's reality.

I'm sorry you have to go through that. No one should have to hear that kind of thing.

I'll talk to him about it soon. Maybe if I give him enough time to get used to the idea he will just chill. I really appreciate your help, everyone! Wish me luck!!

"Hey, Dad, just so you know, if I hear anyone is being a jerk to my guests I'll have security on hand to have them removed." And then have him removed if he oversteps those bounds. If he calls a guest a slur or gets aggressive about making someone defend their identity, that alone is justification to remove him, and it'll be his own fault.

I know he's your father -- but when you're the host it's your job to make sure your guests feel safe and don't have to deal with people who wish ill on them because of their race/orientation/whatever protected class. Especially when the guests in question are your FH's family!

As to specific guests you worry he may target -- tell them, "hey, my father is a racist homophobe, if anyone harasses you please tell me, someone in the BP, or security and we'll have them removed." They'll need to know you have their back on this.

One of these days, he's going to mouth off to the wrong person and get a punch in the nose (if not worse). He would have hated our wedding, btw.

Give him a heads up that your guests are varied (race, religion, sexual orientation, etc.) and that if he can't behave himself, he might feel better not attending. If he attends, have security in case of a brawl.

I know this man, bwren. He is everywhere, and many families have one of them in their midst. I do. At a recent wedding I attended (personal, not professional), this individual stood up and lit a cigarette in the ballroom because he was tired of smokers being discriminated against. His wife, who has been dealing with his antics for years, was all over him. If there is a crowd, this man will find the spotlight.

I can't speak for your father, but I can say that the person I'm referring to probably has a personality disorder. He is the center of the universe, and he has tenuous grip on his family and social relationships (they usually crash and burn, but he's never the problem). Everything is about them. They have a driving need to be noticed, and they really don't care if the way in which they garner that attention embarrasses their spouses or children. If you plead with him to stop, he begins his freedom of speech rhetoric. He's not listening.

I am so sorry that he ruined your college graduation. You are carrying a burden many people don't carry when it comes to their fathers. Instead of worrying about linen colors and dress alterations, you're running imaginary scenarios through your head of what he's going to do that will leave your guests remembering your wedding as the day the FOB caused the bride to cry and several guests to leave. It's time for this to stop.

Your father is not a stranger to consequences. He's lost his wife (and it sounds like a second wife left him as well) because of his behavior. Still, he won't change. He is a toddler running rampant, and that isn't fair.

If he is coming the rehearsal dinner, watch him closely. That will be a decent barometer of how he is going to behave at the wedding. If he acts up, he needs to be approached by someone in authority. Do you have a DOC? Do you have an adult brother who can approach him? Is their an older male cousin who's a little intimidating who can approach him? It would be preferable to have a non-family member filling this position, but if that's impossible, you need to find someone who will take on this task. In the event of an outburst, he must be immediately approached. The first time he uses hate speech, even if his tone is conversational, he must be approached. He needs to be pulled aside and given the rules. No hate speech is allowed. Period. He will respond by giving his well rehearsed speech on truth, justice, and the American way (as he sees it), and he needs to be interrupted and told to go to a political rally if he wants to talk politics. He needs to be told that this is a wedding, a social event, and if he harasses a single guest or uses inappropriate ethnic or sexual slurs, he will escorted from the premises. Let him know that the venue will not tolerate hate speech (and the venue is allowed to define what constitutes hate speech). You might need to hire a security guard (I would). Will it be terrible if he's tossed from the wedding? Yes, for about 15 minutes, but believe me, your guests who realize what happened will not judge you at all. They will feel for you. I feel for you, and I don't even know you.

People have a constitutional right to their political beliefs, but they do not have a constitutional right to inject themselves into someone's milestone event and make it all about them (and I really think this behavior has more to do with a personality disorder than a need he has to return America to 1952).

Lay the groundwork now. Have a plan, and if it needs to be enacted, make sure those involved in your plan work quickly and discreetly to remove him. I know this sounds brutal, but if an individual doesn't have someone like this in their lives, they really have no idea how wearying and humiliating these family members are. Remember, if he can't behave, that's his choice, not yours.

Best of luck.

I wish you were all wrong, but you're all very, very right. He loves the attention.

My fiance has already talked to the groomsmen about being makeshift bouncers (we've got some BIG guys in our party. Which is kind of funny because the FH and I are kind of short), and my brother is an ex MMA fighter, so he can take care of him. It just breaks my heart that I have to worry about this, and I may not be able to have my dad there for the most important day of my life. He's a jackass, but he is still my father.

I'm having to deal with a similar situation, but with some aunts and uncles. I had a very frank conversation with them. I told them that while I really wanted them to be with me to celebrate that day, I would not tolerate anyone making my guests feel uncomfortable, unwanted, or threatened. I told them they would be asked to leave if they couldn't behave themselves for one night. None of them were super thrilled with the conversation, and one may not come to the wedding at all because of it. But that is his choice and his problem, not mine.

I also agree that you should privately warn any guests that might be targeted by him. This way they know to tell someone if he steps out of line. These people know you and know that your father's views and hatred are not yours. They will appreciate the warning and not think any less of you because you have a family member who is a jerk.

We had one at our wedding as well. Super weird family relationship that I'm not going into, but it's MIL's new husband. He is bombastic to the extreme. Dh just made it clear to his mom that this person's behavior was not acceptable and he'd be escorted out if he got drunk or made a scene. He did end up backing into a couple of my BMs with a car (they were okay but it was like REALLY?!), but other than that he was on best behavior. Is he in a relationship now? Is there anyone you could speak to and try to keep a rein on him?

However, I love Salisott's suggestion.

Actually, DH's dad didn't come to the wedding because "He couldn't keep a civil tongue around DH's mom." So yea. I TOTALLY get where you're coming from. You are not alone. Sorry you're going through this.

This is why FH's father isn't invited...of course, they hardly have a relationship at all and he lives states away.

In addition to talking to him (I like centerpiece's the venue won't allow hate speech statement) I think you should warn FH's family so they know what to expect. They shouldn't judge you for your father's actions.

Edited for clarity.

Op, you expressed concerns that your FH's family will hear these obnoxious things your father says and fear it will reflect on the rest of your family. Believe me when I tell you *it will not*. If your FH's family are normal, rational adults, they will see your father and his behavior and actually think better off you for not turning out like him. You will be seen as strong and independent. I've gone through something similar with my FILs. My mom (as much as I love her) drives me crazy with her paranoia, mild bipolar disorder, and her overall scatter brained-ness. My FILs meet her, saw my descriptions of her were not an exaggeration, but loved her anyways. FMIL actually pulled me aside later and said (I'm paraphrasing a bit here) "I understand why you were worried about us meeting her, but just know we don't think her behavior is a reflection on you. If anything, it shows us a better picture of your upbringing and impressed us more with how intelligent and stable you are."

So you see, OP, I totally get your worry. Maybe you can set up a meeting between the parents before the wedding - we all went or to dinner in a public setting, so my mom wouldn't get too out of hand. Maybe you can do something like that too and get the majority of the embarrassment out of the way

As always, very well said Centerpiece!

since he wants to be apart of the day it sounds like, I would hope he would behave himself. I think having a conversation using the tips people have shared here would be so helpful. You might find he really changes his behavior beyond you wedding day.

"Dad, I know you have some viewpoints about various political issues. On our wedding day we will have people from all walks of life and DH and I would really appreciate if you'd keep those comments to yourself. It embarrasses me to hear those things from anyone and I would really like to enjoy this day. If you don't think you can refrain from making political comments for one day, I would ask your reconsider being there. However, DH and I really want you there and hope you can suppress you comments for this day. I have always wanted to share the special day with you and know you have too,"

Center Piece as usually nailed it.

I always want to scream when I have to deal with this in social situations THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU!!!!

sigh. Why can't adults be better at adulting?

JoRocka, I wonder the exact same thing haha

The personality disorder Centerpiece described is narcissistic personality disorder. And yup, it sounds like your dad's got all sorts of it.

Unfortunately, people with personality disorders cannot be reasoned with. Their brains just aren't wired for it. It's why he doesn't care where he is when he does stuff like that (for example, his daughter's graduation party. Or her wedding.).

You need to set boundaries and hold firm on them. Yes, definitely give guests a heads up--and tell your dad "Listen. I know you have your opinions and you're going to say them at my wedding. Please know that when you do, I will have someone prepared to remove you from the room because I won't tolerate that."

He has a choice: to take a step back and reconsider how he expresses himself (which, as I've said, probably won't happen), or keep acting out and face the consequences that you've clearly laid out for him.

Sorry, OP. The whole situation blows.

If it wasn't my father, he wouldn't be invited, and this wouldn't be a discussion. I feel like giving a pre-warning (and an apology in advance) would be better than have them be blind sided. It's not that I'm ok with it, it's just that it's my father.

I can understand where you are coming from, MissE. It's just a no-win.

@RingAroundtheRoushes and @bwren... I completely feel my MIL has that. She meets many characteristics of it: Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance, Requiring constant admiration, Having a sense of entitlement, Taking advantage of others to get what you want... she has them all.

But like you said, what can you do? People with an exaggerated sense of importance aren't going to take kindly to being told it's a mental illness... And you aren't going to uninvite key people because of a suspicion...

Bwren -- I think what MissE is saying is that you need to be careful about how you word the pre-warning to make sure your guests know that you don't want them to be blindsided, you don't expect them to grin and bear his behavior, and you want to know if he steps out of line so he can be dealt with.

I'm not saying your situation doesn't suck but coming from someone who lost their dad at 18, I would love to deal with your problem. See what I did there?

I didn't read all of the other comments, so sorry if I reiterate or missed something. I think that you have a good idea about saying something to him and telling him who will be there and why his behavior isn't okay, and then let it go. You can't force him to be quiet at that point. I also would say to make sure (which I am sure you already have) that the others who may not know how he is already know that you do not agree with him and that you are embarrassed by his words sometimes, so that they aren't taken by surprise and know that you have done what you can to let him know that you are not okay with him being offensive, if he chooses to say something bad. That way they can have your back rather than question if you agree with him since he is your father. If they already know that you have tried talking to him, they will respect you more. What happens from there is up to others.