Dealing with an embarrassing father....

Is your mom or another family member able to help you? Would he say this in general or are you worried about his speech? If it's his speech you could always have him speak at RD and not the wedding?

I'm more worried about him saying it in general. I've asked my mom, but even she isn't sure how to handle it.

Honestly I'd let it go. Your father is his own person and is going to behave his own way no matter what you might say to him, it sounds like. Guests are people, and all people have had to deal with views we disagree with or find distasteful. If he gets in a guest's face, they can just walk away or engage as they see fit -- their choice, they're adults I assume and know how to handle themselves.

I'd just take some steps to make sure he avoids getting the floor -- give the list of people who have planned toasts or speeches to the DJ and make sure they know that no one else is to get the mic, for example.

Finally, if you're really, really worried maybe have security on hand so that if he does cause a scene you can have him removed. This is a fairly major step, but if he has 'ruined' past events this may be a necessary one. I will say however, having just finished with my wedding, if someone was quietly behaving like an ass I didn't notice because I didn't spend too much time with any one person during the wedding itself. So maybe somebody in our group (and we had some characters!) wasn't polite or behaved as they should, but it didn't ruin the day.

I'm less worried about him making a speech, and more worried about him outright calling someone a racist slur, or telling someone off for their sexual orientation. It also doesn't help that he hasn't met anyone in my FH's side of the family (this was intentionally done), and I don't want them to assume that we are all as classless as my father. He is known for saying highly racist things very loudly, because he wants people to know how little he thinks of them. Since his last divorce, he is also anti-wedding/anti-marriage, so I could see him making a scene just because he is unhappy.

My mother's suggestion was to sew his mouth shut, if that gives you any indication as to how difficult this could be to deal with.

Does he live near you? Is there any way to just... not invite him? Jk... sorta. I feel like that personality type the more you tell them NOT to do something the more likely they're going to do it and be bombastic about it.

How embarrassing. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I have some family who make mildly racist remarks (I try to call them on them when I hear them but since we disagree on politics I don't typically hear their remarks except for the ridiculous memes they post on FB), but they're not usually said in front of company because my family chooses to not talk politics (I'm far left and part of my family is very far right... like crazy far right).

This is the type of person I would hold at arms length even though he is your dad.... Sorry I don't have any good advice. Good luck!

When I know ppl can be assholes I warn ppl. Not around them, and not publicly. But just tell ppl who don't know ignore my dad he's an asshole a lot of the time. Everyone has some assholes in their life. Really you can't stop him. But if you can keep ppl from provoking him it may cut down on it or at least allow them to be prepared to ignore him.

Maybe consider speaking to FH family about Him and just warn them? So that at least they're prepared? I'm so sorry.... I don't have any insight beyond that. Best of luck my dear

ETA: spelling

I'm so sorry your father has a tendency to ruin your big moments in such a way, and I hope he keeps it together for the sake of your wedding day.

Is there a way you can warn those he may target on the down low? It's not exactly a position anyone wants to be in, but if I had friends that my dad is likely to call out for being black, gay, trans, etc, I would possibly consider giving them a heads up to give him a wide berth rather than accidentally putting them in such a position. I know that he's really the one you should talk to, but the way you're explaining him, it doesn't sound like he'll listen. If the people he objects to loudly and cruelly know to stay away from him, maybe he won't have an opportunity to be so abrasive.

I wish I could count on him to be respectful on his own, but past experience shows that isn't necessarily possible.

I'm just not sure how to approach talking to him about being respectful and how important it is to me. I unfortunately can't just warn people, because them just being slightly different from him is what provokes him, and we have people of all walks of life coming to our wedding.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. I know you said he'll argue with you if you try to tell him not to, but maybe you could talk to him ahead of time and tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe if he knows how much it upsets you and how much extra stress it will cause you on your wedding day he'll be a decent person and keep his mouth shut for one day.

ETA: would you be okay with your dad not being there? This would bother me so much that I would tell him to either bite his tongue for a few hours or not bother coming.

As odd as it sounds, ask him if he wants to go. Let him know that you have a very diverse group of people coming and let him know that being rude isn't acceptable and ask him if he will be OK keeping his mouth shut. I had to ask that of my FSIL and she said we need to have a chat... translate to, no, I am not comfortable and we will not be coming. It sucks but it's for the better if they are going to make a big scene.

I can try to warn people, it's just difficult to tell someone that my dad may treat them poorly because they're gay or because they aren't white. Its almost as embarrassing to warn them about it as it is for something to happen. I just want him to get along with everyone for one weekend.

I have a problem with my pops to about "not carrying about being politically incorrect".

And he's right- it's free speech- but at some point you gotta grow the fuck up and realize this party isn't your personal platform to preach about what ever you want.

Before meeting FH's parents- we had an issue and he went to bring it up again and I said- look- here is my concern- we are meeting with these people and I can't verify where they fall- and I'm not trying to have an issue- so please just be on your best behavior. And don't bring up X and Y subject. I had to wait till there was a conversation already in play about it- and you can ask and say- this is a concern to me- and then if it goes further you can say "look- this isn't your day- its' mine- please button it"

And then just hope for the best.

How do you think he would react if you told him his past behavior (specifically your graduation) really hurt you? If you calmly told him that the language he used at your college graduation ruined what should have been a joyous occasion, and that you're concerned something similar will happen at your wedding?

Maybe he can't be swayed, or maybe he just needs a wake-up call.

I want him to be there, and I know that he would be heartbroken if I told him not to come. He's the type to be unhappy no matter what. I may ask him if he would be comfortable with it though, that's a good idea Salisott! Maybe if I word it that way he will realize this isn't a point he can argue.

Bwren- I would like to be forewarned to stay away. It happens, people have their opinions and I know I'm not going to change them just because we are adorable together . If he is coming, give your guests a heads up that he may make inappropriate comments. That way they can plan ahead and not be caught off guard.

The right to freedom of speech is not the right to freedom of the consequences of said speech in society. FI's family knows you. Your father's behavior will reflect poorly on him, though if your mother agrees with you just let her know your concerns. If she's also concerned, she'll likely spend the evening with him and policing him --- because if she shares your concerns I bet it's something she's had to do before.

I don't think you should outright tell him not to come, but like what Saliscott said. Just have a frank discussion with him that you won't allow him to insult your guests and he will just have to deal with people different from him for 1 day. And he needs to make the choice if he can be there and be respectful or can't handle it. That way it puts the ball in his court instead of you ordering him to behave or not to come. If he makes the choice himself to behave because he wants to be apart of it he will most likely stick with it.

Salisott - you're right, although that breaks my heart. I don't want to tell one of my closest friends that he and his boyfriend may face some backlash just for coming to my wedding, but I don't know how to get around it.

One of our issues is my mother is remarried to a guy that doesn't get along with my dad either due to race. It's literally effecting every part of the wedding, since he won't get along with my step dad, his kids, part of the bridal party, some of the guests, and my hairdresser (who is doing me a favor).