court house then wedding?

The marriage is also the bond between the couple, and the relationship. If anything, the wedding is nothing. So who cares what people want to call it. It's not the important part of a marriage.

Have you ever been to a wedding and asked the bride and groom if they were married before hand? lol I think ti's totally fine to do that!! that's what you pretty much have to do in IL to get married in Mexico or out of the country.... and then you have the wedding at your destination. Go for it!

I think that people don't understand the definition of "wedding." It's defined as "the act or ceremony of marrying." If you become husband and wife at a courthouse, you had your wedding. If you exchange vows in an elaborate ceremony without a marriage license, you didn't have a wedding because you aren't married wihtout the paper. If you exchange vows in the elaborate ceremony after you are already husband and wife, you aren't having a wedding because you already had one.

Something becoming more common doesn't make it okay. I understand that in some European countries couples MUST have their civil ceremony before the religious ceremony, but that isn't an issue in the U.S. As a guest, I want to see the couple become husband and wife, not reenact it. I've attended something like this before and even though I dearly loved the groom and liked the bride a lot, I felt cheated out of seeing the real thing. I wasn't sharing in anything special because the special thing had already happened.

Well said Naomi and Kristina!

@Karen, that may be your preference. but your preference of not wanting to see a "reenactment" doesn't mean it is the right or wrong thing to do. You may have felt cheated while the person next to you thought it was beautiful. It may not have been special to you but it was to the bride and groom. You did have the choice to rsvp "No". And how can it be a reenactment if it was never done before? I'm sorry but my wedding day will be nothing like my civil ceremony day so rest assure there will be no reenactment there.

@Marlina, it's a reenactment because they already became husband and wife on another day--that means it was done and it cannot be done again. It would be like this:

Me: "My birthday is on June 7th."

You: "I thought your birthday was on April 8th?"

Me: "Yes, but I'm celebrating my birthday on June 7th."

You: "But you were born on April 8th? So June 7th is just a party."

Me: "Yes, I was born then but for ______ reason, my REAL birthday is June 7th."

For all legal purposes, I turned 30 on April 8th, even if I say that I'm not 30 until June 7th or say that I'm turning 30 FOR REAL then.

I'm not saying don't have a party--just don't call it something that it's not.

Your example makes no sense. It is a wedding. So its called a wedding.

Yes, I am married, and don't regret doing something simple and low key. But WE can feel cheated as well for not having a "wedding". Not everyone has the money to do something right away, but to military couples, or those in situations where they would benefit only dishing out $200 bucks to be husband and wife, and seen as that in the eyes of the law, shouldn't be made to feel like their big day that they FULLY DESERVE, is a mockery and a "reenactment". Just like Marlina said, my "wedding day" or "vow renewal" or what ever the hell you want to call it, will be NOTHING like the day of my civil union. I know a lot of my family felt cheated they weren't there the first time, and would LOVE for us to have an actual "wedding" so they can celebrate. Some people can do things right at this moment, and some have to wait a long while, it doesn't make it any less real, or any less special. So shame on all the people who try to make them feel otherwise.

My example makes sense because a wedding is when the marriage happens. It has NOTHING to do with a white dress or a fancy venue. You can't get married again if you're already married. You can say vows in front of each other and friends/family, but you aren't having a wedding. A wedding is when you WED. You are already wed to each other. You already call each other husband and wife. You already have ALL OF THE BENEFITS OF MARRIAGE. The only thing you haven't had is a big party celebrating that fact.

I don't want to sound harsh (I know that I do). I'm sorry if I'm upsetting you or anyone else who has chosen this path, but this is how a lot of people view it and you should be aware of how some of your guests may feel even if they don't tell you so.

Once again WELL SAID Kristina!.

Karen...you hit the nail on the head "but this is how a lot of people view it and you should be aware of how some of your guests may feel even if they don't tell you so".

The way people view it doesn't cause for the rule of right or wrong. And again, my guests have the option to RSVP "NO" and that is fine with me : )

Who is to say what others can or shouldn't do what they call it or don't call it?? SMH. Not everyone has the luxury whether it be money, having their fiance in the same country,deployment, kids, or missing out on certain benefits beforehand..there are all sorts of circumstances involved in different situations..they can tell whoever they want or not.

I bet if some of the posters were in various situations they would feel differently about it..You can still call it a wedding if you please. No need for shaking fingers at the OP..If guests feel cheated, well that's just selfish imo.

I hate the argument "you can't have a wedding but you can have an awesome party" what does that mean? Who cares if someone who is already technically married wants to wear a wedding dress. You only have one life so wear that dress!! I think as long as you run it by your family & tell your guests it should be ok. I'd call it a celebration of marriage maybe to avoid confusion. But I don't think there is any harm in doing the traditional wedding things. Guests like to see those moments.

Edit: call it your wedding actually. Every girl deserves their dream wedding!

LOL @GypsyBride

Right on @Rev Ann

HAHAH!! FTW! I think it's quite clear we can file this with "cash bars" where we can all agree to disagree. Poor Karen - her email inbox must be going insane!

Actually, my FH and I are already civilly married. We didn't really have much of a choice. He is Venezuelan and I was living there at the time. Down there, a civil marriage is required before you can be married in the church. Most people do their civils with only immediate family present and then a few weeks later, have their church wedding, reception, etc. In our case we had to wait several years because of the logistics of having family on multiple continents. Our wedding will be next April. And yes, it's a wedding. Not a vow renewal. To me, marriage is a public declaration of a couple's intention to be together and a religious commitment. To me, we're not married until that happens. In our case, it's culturally acceptable (and expected) to do it this way, so I don't really get all of the fuss. I was sure to explain it all on our wedding website for the benefit of some of my U.S. family who might not be used to the idea though. To my knowledge, no one feels duped or offended.

Bottom line Katherine is you can do as you please.

If putting on a big white dress and pretending to marry in front of an audience is what is most important to you then don't refer to yourselves as husband and wife, don't take part in the benefits married couples receive, don't act married. A wedding is very different from a party. A wedding = a couple legally (and sometimes religiously) becomes married and then has a reception following to thank their guests for attending. A party is simply a group of people getting together to celebrate something. A party does not include a bridal party, a first dance, etcetc.

Not once did me (or Karen) say a party wasn't allowed. Please, celebrate your marriage! But don't pretend its something that it's not. If having your parents present is so important then wait! It doesn't take a lot of money to have a wedding either. Cook some burgers and buy some beer. You could easily do that for the price of a courthouse wedding in some cases. So don't put the "I don't have the money" stuff.

Also, no one is talking about other countries. THings are differnet in other countries.

THe birthday analogy is silly. Comparing a birthday to an anniversary party is more accurate. Your anniversary date doesn't change, but you can celebrate is on another day. Just like your birthday. However, you can't change your birthday just like you can't change your wedding date.

Lastly, its highly unlikely that your friends and family will honestly tell you how they feel about a pretend wedding. It would be rude to do so unless asked and even then most won't so as not to hurt feelings. But many do feel cheated and feel its wrong. If you want to have YOUR day don't invite other people into it. No one is entitled to a big wedding. If that's what you want then make it happen, great! But don't insult couples who choose courthouse weddings because you're basically saying those don't really count. Not true.

Just do what you feel you need to. Your family will still love you. And these days, weddings are really just huge parties anyways. Why else would we shell out so much for a freaking cake?!

Yes you can. We were married by a JP and one year later we are solemnizing ou5 vows in our Church, meaning to make official before God. I will have the dress, the ceremony and everything just like every other bride. Our family is supporting us and it will be a great day for all. I wish you the very same.

Aye aye aye. I couldn't care less what anyone calls it, as long as there's festivities and merriment to be had, I will be there with bells on to celebrate the couple. Seriously, why does it matter what other people call it? Do what works for you and FH and stop expending so much energy criticizing other people's choices.

And furthermore, there's usually a REASON couples choose to do the legal part quickly (sickness, insurance, military, etc). I'd bet that the vast majority of couples don't do it because they want their day right now but also want a "pretty princess day." I'm thankful that FH and I don't have any of those outside factors pressuring our timeline. Not everyone has so much choice in the length of their engagement.