Church Wedding= Open invitation??? Not Happy

Wait - is your reception in the church auditorium? Or at a separate location?

If it's in the church auditorium you're going to have a really hard time not inviting everyone, especially if the pastor is telling you this is how things happen.

I would still find a church lady who knows what's up. My dad's a pastor. If I want the scoop on what's going on at church, I ask his secretary. She knows it all and keeps it on the down low, too.

Also.....it may be your day and not the pastor's, but like said previously, some churches are very close knit communities and they all have their own rules and ways. My dad won't let couples do whatever they want if it's outside the norms for his church community. It's not on par with a secular vendor like a banquet hall or something, you've got to roll with the culture a little.

If FH has attended there since he was 2, can you ask his mom or one of his aunties what's up?

It is very common for the whole church to be invited to the ceremony and then punch, cookies, maybe cake. But not for the whole reception, and it's really not appropriate (in my opinion, as part of a church pastoral team) to require a couple to share the day with a bunch of strangers (you might know some or many of them, but probably not well enough to invite them if the situation was different...)

(And I can tell you that the last thing I would want to do on pretty much any given day is go to a wedding for someone I don't know. I would much rather be not invited.....)

Is this guy MARRYING YOU? yikes. Sounds like he needs a reality check about power.

The church & reception site are different locations. FH has only been a member of the church for 2 years and he's trying to avoid any drama. My reception site has an auditorium so we can easily have it there but FH is not budging on not having the wedding at the church.

@ Celia, you are so right, he needs a reality check!

We are having an open invitation to our church family, that does not mean everyone is invited to the reception. Usually when the announcement is made in church they will add if you have not received a personal invite that the open invitation is for the wedding ONLY.

FH and I are having a church wedding as well. However, I did not want to have it at his church because just like your FH's church "family", they are overbearing and pushy. Shortly after Fh annouced our impending wedding, 75 people from his church gave me their address just to make sure "I had it correct." And just to be fair, another 50 from my church. I told FH, they will get an invitation to the wedding, but not the reception. FH agreed because we cannot afford to feed all these people. Our ceremony is it at a church that does not fellowship with either of our churches.

I absolutely cannot believe FH's pastor is being so inconsiderate of your feelings. Then, to have the mitigated gall to then say, it's not like your having a $25K wedding, and why did you send out STD! And don't worry about running out of food! IS HE KIDDING ME! Like you, I would not have said a word during the meeting, but another meeting is definitely needed. (continued)

I am praying that the member's respect you family and friends and allow them to have seats and the ceremony and to eat first.

Gotcha, I thought you said he was a member since age 2.

Have there been any weddings there in the past 2 years? Maybe you could seek out one of those couples and ask them discreetly what went down for their wedding.

Is your FH attached to the church community, or the pastor, or the building, or what? I guess I would want to know why he won't budge on having the wedding there when it's going to take such maneuvering. Seems like if he loves the church, he loves the community too, and I wouldn't think it would be such a shock that this is how they roll. Unless there just haven't been any weddings there since you guys joined. KWIM?

Will the pastor do an offsite wedding? Or is your FH really attached to the church building? I'm confused.

Mine is exactly like Mouche. No way someone can tell I have to invite the whole church and then feed them. I would just bust out laughing at that one. It's bad enough you have other family members trying to get yo uto invite people but now the church wants to put their two cents in too. No WAY!!!!

Man, I'm a girl that doesn't like drama or being told what to do. It sucks your FH is set on getting married and being a member of this church. The pastor is the leader of this community, and the way it typically works is that you have to play by the church's rules or there will be drama with the congregation. So for me, that would be on my way to a different church. Of course, FH and I aren't interested in being part of a church because of all the drama we saw growing up.

OH no... see all this seems WAY to dang pushy... the new pastor at our church , told me i could do it on Sunday instead, and it would be cheaper... otherwise i wont know the pastor who will marry me on the sat I WANT to be married... i said no thanks, and moved the ceremony outside to my sisters house. I have "control" issues, lol... and to me, HE wants to be in control. I dont think your comments would've been rude at all... my jaw dropped when i read this.its only been 2 years at that church, lmao.. cut your losses and run. Find a new one! Whats he gona say when you wanna baptize your baby?! "You mean you're NOT having the whole church at the reception for that too? well we all want to hold the baby, it would be rude to not let old miss blue hair hold YOUR child" lol..

Kesha, I am going through the same problem...I would love to invite all of my church family to the wedding, but can't invite everyone to the reception, (since I have been told this a very rude thing to do) But cannot understand why you have to invtie everyone to the reception. I say pray about it or maybe ask FMIL about it to see what is her take on it? Maybe the church can provide food if they want to impose just a suggestion.

WOW! Yes, I just screamed! Lol

I would calmly and politely tell him, "I will need you to sign the check over to (insert fh's name). In _____ amount of dollars to cover the extra costs of guests."

I'm pretty sure he will back off

I have never heard of that, but if fh still wants it at the church, have a open invitation wedding, but invitation only reception, that pastor is not paying for that and it's the expensive part. He is also crazy, if you run out of food before everyone gets to eat, you will have some very angry people.

I think people will understand about not have an open reception. I would like to invite my whole church also, but since I can't afford to, I am not. My invitations say invitation only reception, so if someone hears about it and show up, they can enjoy the wedding, but not the reception. and I have had a few people say that that was ok with them. My rsvps have a place to check for wedding only or wedding and reception, so there are no people to show up for just the reception.

I am having a open invitation to the church 4 the ceremony only. He can't tell you, you have to invite everybody. Smh at him

I am having a open invitation to the church 4 the ceremony only. He can't tell you, you have to invite everybody. Smh at him

Just explain to the pastor that you will have punch & cake or cookies for the church members. And you don't have to get an expensive cake just go to Sam's, Bj' or Costco's and get a sheet cake or two and enough punch for the church members

Remember, the people invited to your off site reception will go directly there. So, you won't need to count them into the count. Good luck!

Okay ladies I've managed to talk some sense into FH about this issue & he wants to talk to the pastor before we move the wedding. FH really wants to have the wedding at the church but is willing to move the ceremony if we have to. We have marriage counseling this week & we will be letting the pastor know that we are not inviting everyone,if it's a problem we can move the ceremony. We all know they'll be trying to get to the reception if the come to the wedding.

@ Kris, there have been 2 weddings in the past 6 months and both brides told me they regret giving the church an open invitation. November bride said that she had a extra bill at the end of the night because only 65 people RSVP'd but 87 showed up, and they were our church members that didn't RSVP. She said they even brought people she didn't know with them. I was at this wedding & I overheard the Hotel staff saying they had to prepare more food. (cont)

I am not a member of a church, but my ex and I did get married in his church. The only people invited to the wedding were those WE wanted to invite. Not once did anyone from the church, who was not on his list, ask to attend, nor get offended.

Since we are not religious, my daughters wedding was held at a hotel. No worries about members of a church getting offended....and amazingly...no party crashers. LOL!

NO you are not insane! SWITCH YOUR CHURCH/VENUE and do it soon!!!!! Tell them it is with no disrespect (or make your fiance do it) but you are not able to have such a large wedding--- you've always wanted it to be more personal. And if you have to end up moving churches, then that's that. It IS NOT the church's decision. I've been to like 25 weddings and not ONE was like that. It isn't normal, and he shouldn't be making you feel that way NOR should he be questioning your STDs, etc. This is YOUR and your fiance's day- not the church's!

(Cont) My friend had her wedding last week & she is very upset because she gave an open invitation and there were people who didn't come to the wedding but showed up to the reception. FH said a few people sat in the parking lot during the wedding. I made it very clear how how inconsiderate they were & they better not try it with me because I have no problem turning into to B!+chzilla.

I will update this once we have a talk with our pastor.